marama sideblog

Me: I love my telegram channel pookies

My telegram channel pookies:

Like, I thought I hate any kind of physical contact and I always flinch and cringe when someone touches me

BUT

Today we were having an exam and my friend was sitting with me and she was really nervous and I felt I needed to reassure her

And I like

Didn't think about it too much and touched her thigh

Then freaked out and thought she'd freak out too like why I didn't touch her hand or arm or shoulder and it must feel like I was violating her in some way

And then I realized I wasn't repulsed by the touch once in my life??

And it was a freakin revelation that when I initiate touches I don't feel weird??

And I also realized that any touch I didn't initiate brings me back to the say when the SA attempt happened

Sooooooo

Damn

I thought I was over a person and I REALLY WAS while we were chatting online

And today we met irl and damn I acted like a lovesick fool and I'm so embarrassed haha

Like, not that I'm desperate but I def looked desperate and the person was def taken aback-

And I thought I was falling in love again but then I actually understood that I just care about ppl so much and I wanna show care and have it appreciated so much that thinking about someone else taking that place from me causes me physical pain

Like, I'm jealous, yeah, I'm really bitter, but I'm not in love, I just fear being not needed and I fear that ppl will move on and leave me alone when they learn how miserable I am/find someone better than me

Damn I'm hella selfish bastard

Being self-aware helps sm yo I feel a bit better now haha

Or maybe I'm delusional again

.

Btw that person isn't that great they're just nice to everyone and that's why some ppl mistake that for some hint or smth

So scary

I literally see an art think it's gorgeous look at my own and find a ton of things I'm lacking

And then improveimproveimproveimproveimprove- *dies*

***

We're sitting in the hospital, waiting our turn to see the therapist. It's someone in the office, talking quietly enough and then-

"... GARLIC.... BLACK PEPPER..."

mom turns to me and is like:

– Garlic.

And me like:

– What?

She answered with nothing and turned away and I was left wondering if they were making pilaf in there or something.

***

Evening. I walk up to mom's couch and be like:

– Y'know, I actually have a hell lot of painful ulcers in my mouth. I thought it was just my mouth sore, cuz, well, I had headache for days and all. Like, it's maybe logical when your mouth hurts if your head hurts, but it's actually ulcers or something.

– You had headache? Why didn't you tell me that.

– Yea, for a couple of days.

– Uh, okay.

Then I went to mind my business.

***

My favorite one. I drink real slow, so I sit in the kitchen, doing my small sips and so, and mom needs to put a pot on the stove and asks me to take another pot off the stove to make space.

When she returns in 3 minutes or so I'm still holding it.

– Why are you hugging it like your precious lovechild?

– It's my moral support.

Today was a mess, it's just like

I was supposed to have no classes for 1+ week after the exam week and after having only 2 FCKN DAYS TO REST I LEARN THAT THE SEMESTER STARTS TODAY

Like

Wtf

The whole uni had 2 weeks to rest and our group is so ✨special ✨ yeah yeah we're not humans yeah uni?? It seems they see us as dunno, robots or something???

AGRHHHHHHH I'M SO PISSED

I had plans for my entire weak, I was planning to take care of my health, repair my laptop, start taking commissions and now it all goes to dumpster cuz some jerks decided we don't deserve to have our rights as students fulfilled

Like, it's an average artist's path to draw for years peacefully, blow up when you expect it the least and then you kinda can't repeat this success anymore

Did I want that exact piece to be my peak? Probably not.

And I'm already feeling the need to have a backup plan or something, dunno. Like, okay, my drawing is kiiinda popular, but it doesn't give anything basically. I drew a popular ship. okay. this ship will eventually lose popularity in any case. And the fandom in general will become less and less interesting for people.

I need something more stable than just fanart, my first thought was. Doesn't mean I'm stopping doing fanart, too many ideas to draw which I don't wanna miss.