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solace ; pope cody

001. chapter one

eight years old

the moving truck had been outside your new house for hours now. there were countless different people coming in and out of the house with either full boxes or empty crushed up ones. you and your parents had driven to california the day before and hadn’t been able to stay at the house so you ended up in some shitty motel. It didn’t seem shitty when you were eight though, it felt like a vacation. you remember having dinner at a new fast food joint that opened by the strip, and watching movies all night on the terrible cable tv. your dad had called it a “crappy shitbox of a tv”.

you were upset when you were first told of the move. you’d have to start at a whole new school in a whole new state and make a bunch of new friends. the thought formed a pit in your stomach that refused to leave. your mom silenced all your fears, telling you that people were going to flock to be your friend the second you step into the classroom. it took you a while to believe this though.

you didn’t really understand the reason for the move, something to do with your dad’s work. you were too young to really understand what it was he did, other than he was away for a long time sometimes. you hated these times. as much as you loved your mom, it was hard without him. it made you sad when he didn’t come back for weeks. you could see it made her sad too.

your mom had set you up on the newly assembled dinner table with your lunch and some paper and pens. all your old artwork had to be thrown away before the move, so it was your mission to make a bunch of new ones for the fridge and your daddy’s office. he kept a lot of your drawings at work with him, and even in his cap he wore for work. it made you feel special.

10 new drawings later and you were already bored, there was only so many drawings of your life back in texas you could draw before boredom struck.

your new house is big, much bigger than the one in texas. it has more bedrooms than deemed necessary and hallways that felt like mazes. you were going in bedrooms multiple times without realising, trying to find your mom or dad. anyone that could give you permission to do what you wanted. you wanted to go outside. the sun was shining through the window and you were starting to get sweaty. you wanted to play.

the efforts to find anyone were given up pretty easily. all you could find were the moving people, and you knew they weren’t in charge of you.

the street wasn’t very busy, and it was closed off so nobody but the residents were really allowed in. you were able to be easily spotted from the house if you did venture outside. you took approximately five seconds to contemplate your decision before you grabbed your orange juicebox and ran outside. this was the first time you fully took in the surroundings of your new home.

as you turned around, completing a full three-sixty, you noticed a boy on the sidewalk. he was sat next to the house next to your new one.

“oh, hello!” you smiled, waving at the small boy. he didn’t wave back but he looked over at you. he had these sad eyes, and a frown on his face. his hair covered his forehead. you skipped over to him, a big smile on your face. he could be your first friend here. as you approached him, you noticed the blood dripping from his knee. it looked painful, and you knew you’d be crying if that was your knee but he wasn’t. he didn’t even look bothered.

“what happened?” you gasped at his bloodied knee, and meeting his eyes again. he just shrugged and looked back down at the ground again. it wasn’t the type of shrug that the kids in your old school did to seem cool, it looked like he really didn’t care that he was bleeding.

“my mommy always washes my cuts so they don’t get infected”

he never said anything to that, just continued looking at the floor. the slurping of your juice was the only sound between you two. you sat down next to him. the back of your legs burning against the hot concrete.

“what’s your name?” you asked him, setting the empty juicebox on the floor.

for a second you thought he wasn’t going to answer.

“andrew,” his voice was small, like he didn’t want to speak.

the cut on his knee looked worse close up. you could see all the dirt from the ground in it.

“were you running?”

“no”

“did you fall off your bike? i did that once,” you continued.

he shook his head.

“then what happened?”

“fell,” he muttered. you figured he wasn’t very good at talking. you didn’t mind, you were brilliant at it. that’s what all your teachers told you at your old school.

“my daddy fell off a ladder at our old house,” you tell him, “he said a lot of bad words and my mommy yelled at him” you looked over at him the whole time you were telling him your story, he didn’t look up at you once but you saw a small twitch at the corner of his mouth. not quite a smile, but it was close enough for you.

excited by the slight progress you made with him, you scooted a little closer to him. he didn’t protest, just watched as your sparkly pink sneakers made their way closer to him.

“i just moved here,” you told him, like he had asked you.

“i know,” he replied, now picking at the dirt in his grazed knee.

you blinked at him in surprise, “how’d you know?”

“the trucks been here all morning.”

that made sense.

you looked back at your new house. one of the moving men must have dropped something because all you could hear was a clatter and then your mom yelling bad words at someone.

“do you live in this house?” you ask as you point to the house next door that looked identical to yours. he nodded at you. his eyes were a pretty shade of hazel, it made your stomach feel a little funny. like the butterflies you get when you’re nervous.

there was more silence between the two of you. you watched as he picked at his knee, not even wincing when he pulled a chunk of skin off the cut.

it was then that a brilliant idea came to you.

it was hot. you were sweating and you could see andrew’s neck sweating, making the back of his hair wet.

“wait here, andrew! don’t move!” you shouted at him as you ran towards your house, managing to slip between two moving men. you ran straight towards the fridge that you knew was the first thing that was unpacked. you had helped your mom go grocery shopping this morning before coming over to the house. you also remember picking up something that would definitely work in your favour of getting andrew to be your friend.

rummaging through the freezer, you found exactly what you were looking for.

two blue raspberry popsicles.

ignoring your moms yells for you, you ran back outside and were ecstatic when you saw andrew still sat on the step.

you stood in front of him, holding out the popsicle for him to take.

he furrowed his brows at you. he looked confused.

“take it,” you ushered him, shoving it further in his face.

“why?”

because he was hurt.

because he looked sad.

and you really really wanted him to be your friend.

“they make me feel better when im hurt,” you shrug and wait for his small hand to take it from yours. he waits a second before he does just that. with a feeling of triumph, you sat beside him and begin eating your own one.

this was the first time somebody had actually cared that andrew was hurt and wanted to make him feel better. he felt that same butterfly feeling in his belly too.

“we’re friends now,” you smiled at him, the blue popsicle dripping from your mouth.

“okay,” he spoke, a small smile on his mouth.

it was something so simple.

something so silly that started your friendship with the boy next door.

10 years old

you and andrew had spent all day together, from the moment you got out of school to the moment you got called home for dinner. sometimes your parents would let you stay for dinner at andrew’s house but they weren’t a fan of his mom. you could never say you were either, she was scary.

smurf always made you feel welcome, giving you all the sweet treats and candy you could want. she let you swim with andrew and julia whenever you wanted to. there was never a time she denied you access to her house, despite her having a new baby. he was super cute. sometimes you played with him and wished your parents would have another baby. you were jealous of andrew and julia.

but there were times you could hear her yelling from your bedroom and that did scare you. your parents never ever yelled at each other. you never knew who or what she was yelling at but some nights you’d hear her, and the next day andrew would be extra quiet. it made you feel very sad for him.

you’d never ever tell andrew how you felt about his mom though, because you knew he loved her a lot. it would also make you sad if he said that he found your mom or dad scary.

your dad had called you over from andrew’s house at 6, he needed to be at work that night so dinner was earlier than normal. you had been doing your homework for mr smiths math class when he knocked on the cody’s front door. smurf had come into andrews room and gotten you for him, an eerie smile on her face. you gave andrew a quick hug, despite his efforts to slightly pull away as he always did, you never let him though.

“how was school?” your mom asked as you sat with them at the dinner table. she had made spaghetti, your favourite. before you even put a fork to your plate, you had downed your water.

“oh it was so fun! one of the boys in our history class told julia that he loved her and,” you took a deep breath and started eating your dinner, “andrew gave me some candy smurf had packed him for lunch. i don’t think he liked it,” you smiled, remembering the small tootsie roll that had made your day.

“sounds like a fun day, baby” your mom smiled at you.

dinner went by quickly.

your dad spoke about his next upcoming deployment. you finally understood what those times when he was away were called. he was a marine, and sometimes he had to be deployed. it was easier now, compared to when you were little.

mom had told everyone about her surfing lesson. she taught kids how to surf over at the beach all day. she had taught you but you had no interest in it. she explained how one kid had managed to crack his head open somehow, and how she needed dad to help her collect some new equipment on the weekend.

every story you had to tell involved andrew.

andrew this.

andrew that.

sometimes your parents would look at each other, a small hint of something you couldn’t decipher written on their faces when you would speak about him.

“okay sweetheart, lights out now,” your mom kissed you on your head as she tucked you into bed. she did this every night, religiously. you were coming to the age where you wanted to act like it didn’t give you some kind of comfort but it did. “go to sleep, no staying up late tonight please” she pleaded with you, sending you a kiss as she walked out your bedroom door.

you waited until the sound of her footsteps against the floor disappeared completely to turn your lamp on. you had a habit of reading until very late hours of the night. you had gotten caught a couple times, when either of your parents were headed to bed and could see the light on from under your door.

deeming it safe, you pulled out the book from your drawer and turned to the page you had left on the previous night.

you had managed to get halfway through the first page before a light shined through your whole room. there was only one culprit it could be. dragging yourself out of bed, you walked over to the window. on the opposite side, in his own bedroom, wearing his pyjamas, andrew stood with his flashlight. he flicked it on once more, lighting your whole room up again.

“whats the matter?” you whisper-yelled out your window. your rooms were so close you were able to hear each other, you still deemed it not close enough. you tried to be as quiet as possible, you didn’t want to get caught out of bed again.

he looked pleased with himself, doing it again.

“what are you doing?” you asked once again, an innocent giggle in your voice.

“trying to get your attention,” he finally spoke back, putting the flashlight on his windowsill. he sat himself down on it. he looked tired, which wasn’t unusal for him you had come to learn.

“why didn’t you call?” you followed his actions and sat on your own windowsill. yours had been padded with a really long pillow so you were able to sit here and read when you wanted to. andrew’s didn’t have that. his room wasn’t as decorated as yours was.

“i didn’t want your parents to be mad at you,” he shrugged. “this is cooler anyway,” he flashed your window again.

“what does one flash mean?” you smiled at him as you watched the cogs turn as he tried to think of something.

“come outside,” he came up with.

you took his words as law, and nodded.

he flashed it twice, “two means i can’t sleep”

you knew he had trouble sleeping some nights, he never told you why but he would often look sleepy the next morning. you noticed some nights, the lights in his house never went out. there were countless sleepovers where none of you actually slept. you didn’t want him to be lonely in the night so you fought against your own tiredness.

it was only when your dad was away that you had trouble sleeping, you had a lot of nightmares then too. andrew knew that.

he flashed it three times.

“this one means something’s wrong,” he looked at you seriously, like he really needed that one. you nodded at him, understanding that sometimes he just needed you. you were okay with that. you liked feeling needed.

“if you do three flashes, i’ll come,” you looked at him with a small smile but you really meant it. “no matter what time it is, i’ll be there”

he looked at you with acknowledge in his eyes. like he never doubted you for a second. you stuck your pinky out the window. your houses weren’t close enough that either of you could reach each other, but it was the principle.

it had been months since discovering this secret language between the two of you, that it was put to serious use. andrew had used it plenty of times before, when you were long put to bed but he was outside practicing new skateboarding tricks and really wanted to show you.

or when you were still up watching the stars and you wanted to show him how pretty they were. he had gotten you a flashlight, a pretty pink one like you had suggested.

it was way past midnight, and you had kept tossing and turning all night. your dad had been away for a week at this point and your mom didn’t know how long he’d be gone for this time. you kept looking at the picture of the three of you that you had on your desk across the room. it helped when you were missing him but it made you feel sad.

thats when the three lights appeared from your window.

immediately you shot out of bed and ran to the window. andrew stood at his. his face was mostly hidden by the darkness of the night but you could tell something was wrong.

his head hung low.

his shoulders hunched over.

his grip on the flashlight was hard.

“andrew?” you quietly spoke out of the window, concern riddled in your voice.

he didn’t move, and didn’t say a word.

he just flashed the light three more times, facing down towards his floor.

normally he looked proud of himself when he’d used this new language you’d created together, or even amused with himself when he had woken you up for something silly.

this is how you knew something was bad.

you didn’t bother putting any shoes on, you just grabbed your previously ditched blanket and left your room as quietly and as quickly as possible. you ran across the cold grass, trying to get to andrew as quick as possible.

you were able to climb the fence that divided your houses easily, having two years of experience at it.

reaching his house, you ran straight for his bedroom where you found him exactly where you had last seen him.

at his window.

flashlight in hand.

“andrew?” you threw your blanket on his bed and joined him at the window, sitting on his windowsill. “what happened?”

you had learnt over the time you had known him, that he doesn’t speak until he’s ready to. not a second before. you welcomed the silence, looking up at him with pleading eyes. you could see the whites in his had turned red. you’d never seen him cry before.

he shrugged. this annoyed you instantly. this was the first and maybe only time he had ever annoyed you.

“then why did you use three flashes?” you questioned him. you didn’t want to pressure him, but he scared you.

again.

he shrugged.

“andrew,” you sighed, pulling on his arm slightly to get his attention.

nothing.

so you waited.

you waited until he finally spoke.

“she left,” he spoke. his voice was quiet, raw.

you knew this was about smurf. she often took off for days sometimes, but she was usually back before the day was over. you guessed it was different this time.

“she always leaves,” you tried to comfort him. it didn’t work, he didn’t move. he just stared at the ground.

“not for this long,” he drops the flashlight on the ground and moved to sit next to you.

you remember the last time you saw her. it was maybe three days ago. you were sitting by the pool with andrew when her and billy drove off, taking deran with them.

“julia’s crying,” he whispered.

this was the first time you had felt totally helpless. you didn’t know what to do to help julia or andrew. this was the first time you’d seen andrew truly scared.

not scared like he got when you two watched horror movies together.

or when there was a thunderstorm and he didn’t want to admit it scared him but you could see him flinch every time it thundered.

you know what it feels like when one of your parents disappeared, with no exact time they’d be coming back. the difference was, that your dad always came back. there was no guarantee with smurf.

“she’ll be back,” was all you could say to him. you didn’t know if these words were true, but they might provide some comfort for him.

“you don’t know that,” he instantly regretted his words. they came out much sharper than he had intended for them to.

he wasn’t wrong though so you held no grudge towards him.

you couldn’t imagine doing that.

the night was flying past quickly and your tiredness was catching up on you. you didn’t know how long the pair of you were sat the window, but it had been a while.

without saying a word, you walked over to andrew’s bed and pulled the blankets back. you didn’t want to leave him alone. andrew’s bed was much more comfortable than yours anyway.

“i’m tired,” you yawned as you climbed in, bringing your own blanket you’d brought up to your face. your eyelids felt impossibly heavy but you could see andrew walking to the other side of the bed, climbing in. he looked defeated.

“what if she doesn’t come back?”

the question was so quiet you almost missed it.

once he laid down, you silently slipped your hand into his. you gave him three small squeezes.

you wouldn’t let yourself completely fall asleep until you could hear his soft snores from beside you.

smurf came back the next morning.

16 years old

the first sign something was off with andrew was the fact he hadn’t spoken to you all afternoon.

he’d driven you to school that morning.

walked with you from all your classes.

sat next to you in english.

shared his fries at lunch.

but something was off with him.

at first you assumed he was just tired, he had you in the yard with him until at least one in the morning. then maybe you assumed he was annoyed, or smurf was in one of her weird moods again. by final bell, you were completely lost.

you finally decide to pull him up on it when you’re leaving school. you’d been waiting for julia with him for 30 minutes now. it wasn’t rare for her to be late.

“you’ve been weird all day,” you look over at him as you both made your way to his car, getting fed up of waiting by the entrance for julia.

“hm?” he hummed, looking confused.

“you’ve been acting strange all day,” you repeated. it was starting to bug you. it was very rare for andrew to ever have a problem with you, and if he ever did, he was quick to resolve it.

“no, i haven’t” he just shrugged, opening the door to his car.

“you definitely have.”

he shrugged again.

before you could argue further, a voice came from behind you, calling your name. quickly turning around, you see noah from your history class. the only class you didn’t have with andrew, automatically making it your least favourite. he just about made school enjoyable.

“oh, hey noah” you smiled politely at him. you’d noticed since the semester started, he’d been trying to get closer to you.

he’d purposely sit as close to you in class, even when andrew was there.

he’d walk past you on his way to his locker which was on the opposite side of the school so he had no reason to be near you.

he’d shoot you smiles whenever he saw you.

despite it making you slightly uncomfortable, you were too polite to say anything to him. julia suspected he might have a crush on you, and he was trying to see if you felt the same.

you didn’t.

not even in the slightest.

“did you understand the homework from history?” he asked, standing way too close for comfort. without him noticing, you try and take a step back until you’re basically pressed up against andrew’s car.

you launched into a quick explanation of what mr. nyugen was teaching in class just hours before. you couldn’t tell if he was doing this just as an excuse to talk to you or if he really didn’t understand what was assigned.

noah finally walked away a couple minutes later, the biggest grin on his face.

you jumped into andrew’s car and was met with the sight of him gripping the steering wheel harder than you’d ever seen before. if he was to put any more pressure on the wheel, you were certain it would break off.

“what’s wrong with you?” you watch as the muscles in his arm twitch under his shirt.

“nothing”

“there it is again,” you sigh, throwing your bag in the back and getting comfy.

“what?” he sounded pissed off but you don’t take it to heart. he’s probably just very moody.

“that,” you look over at him, your eyebrows raised.

he frowned at you, crossing his arms over his chest. “that what?”

“whatever that face is,” you point at his face. he didn’t realise it but he had been scowling all day. you were surprised the muscles in his face didn’t hurt.

he shrugged.

“you have a face.”

“i always have a face,” he replied sarcastically, looking out his window. you decide to give up on him for now. he’d talk when he wants to.

hours later, you were sat by the pool at the cody house with a definitely virgin margarita in your hand with julia. andrew had been skateboarding for hours, getting way too close to the pool edge. one wrong turn and he would end up in the water.

he hadn’t spoken more than maybe ten words to you since getting home and you would be lying if you said it didn’t annoy you. you never ever fought with andrew in the whole time you guys were friends. it left you with an uneasy feeling in your stomach.

you also knew that he wasn’t going to speak until he was ready, and forcing him to speak would just make him feel worse. once he got over whatever mental hurdle he’d found himself in, he’d speak to you.

“is everything okay with your mom?” you asked julia as she hands you another plastic cup fulled to the brim with margarita. smurf made possibly the best one you’d ever tasted, not that you have had a lot of them. julia had managed to master the same recipe and you fully took advantage of that.

“i think so? hasn’t said anything to me,” she shrugged as she threw herself on the lounger next to you. “why?”

“andrew’s been weird with me all day,” you admitted, pulling your sunglasses over your eyes. you watched as he did another lap around the pool. he looked like he was mentally going over something.

“i don’t know, you know what he’s like,” she shrugged and turned the music back on louder. you take this as a sign to be quiet.

you weren’t as close to julia as you were with andrew. sometimes this was difficult, andrew didn’t always know how to be there for you with your girly issues. he tried his hardest, and did a lot of research into whatever issues you were facing.

when you had gotten your period, you were 12 and in his pool. he noticed the blood dripping down your leg when you’d climbed out of the water. he quietly told you as you walked into his bedroom to get changed. that following day, he’d taken out a book in the school library about puberty for girls. he very awkwardly asked you if you had pads at lunch that day. you were equally horrified and in awe of the effort he went through for you.

“you talk to him a lot,” andrew finally broke the silence in his bedroom. you’d been laid in his bed, in silence, with him at his desk for an hour by now. you were seconds from dropping to sleep.

“hm?” you mumble, looking over at him. he was busy with homework, something that was due in his first class tomorrow morning.

he didn’t answer immediately, giving you time to dwell on his comment.

then it clicked.

“oh my god,” you shot up, a laugh tickling your throat. you finally knew what his issue had been all day. “you’re jealous!”

you could see his face darken, but his ears were quickly turning a bright shade of red. an easy indicator that he was embarrassed.

“you’re totally jealous of noah!” you found this possibly the most hilarious thing ever.

andrew cody was jealous of some nerd called noah.

he looked genuinely offended. like you had personally made a dig at him. the more you laughed, the more his fair skin had turned a colour of pink you had never seen on andrew before. it made the situation way more funnier than it needed to be.

“am not jealous,” he sighed, scribbling his pencil harder into the paper. a tiny bit more pressure and that led was going to snap.

“you totally are,” you’d jumped out of his bed and joined him by his desk, wrapping your arms around him. “andrew cody, you are so jealous!” you laughed in his ear. he shoved you back, not hard, but hard enough for you to stumble back.

“shut up,” he grumbled, slamming his book shut and turning around to face you.

“you’re jealous because another boy is talking to me,” you smirk at him, your cheeks were bright red from laughing, and you couldn’t quite catch your breath.

he didn’t deny this though. he didn’t entertain your amusement anymore. because he was jealous another guy was talking to you.

“you like me!!” it came out before you could even take it back.

you immediately froze, all previous laughter coming to a halt.

andrews eyes locked onto yours. he didn’t say anything. you swore you could see a small twitch of his mouth, a smile and his whole face relaxed.

months had passed and none of you two mentioned it again. you were beginning to think you’d read the room wrong, maybe he wasn’t jealous. maybe he didn’t like you like that. you’d spent countless nights thinking about it, what it meant for both of you.

you’d endured years of people constantly asking you if andrew was your boyfriend.

people from school.

your parents.

even julia had asked a couple times.

it wasn’t like you didn’t think he was good looking, because he was. he definitely was. you didn’t want to ruin the friendship you had with him.

you cherished it too deeply for a stupid little girl crush to ruin it. so you ignored it and let life carry on as it was.

you’d been at the cody house all day again, like you had been doing since you were eight. andrew sat at his desk, working on some assignment he was definitely going to hand it late. you’d finished all your homework before he even started his.

a question had been plaguing your mind for the last week. you’d thought of it whilst just laying in bed on one of the nights andrew didn’t need you at all, which was rare. you tried your hardest to forget about it but once something was in your mind, it was impossible to get rid of it. the only thing was, you weren’t sure if you wanted the answer to this question.

“can i ask you something?” you spoke out before it was too late to take it back. a quiet hum came from where he sat. he span around, pencil still in his hand and looked at you. he was waiting for you to ask what you wanted, but a lump of anxiety formed in your throat.

“go on,” he ushered you.

“have you ever kissed anyone?” your voice was much quieter than it usually was, and you refused to make eye contact with him. you could hear him chuckle.

“no,” he shook his head. it was amusing to see you so shy. andrew hadn’t ever seen you like this, face down and voice quiet.

“huh” your head shot up, looking at him bug-eyed. you’d expected him to have some kind of experience, tonnes on you. you noticed how girls at school looked at him, like they feared him but also wanted him. “you’ve never?” you reiterated, needing that confirmation again as if you didn’t hear him before.

he shook his head, a small shrug of his shoulders.

“why are you so surprised?”

“i’d figured you’d have done that by now,” you answer honestly. “i mean, you see how rose looked at you in english? i thought she was gonna rip your clothes off right then and there.”

disgust riddled his face quicker than you’d ever seen it before. you tried your hardest to hide the grin that was slowly making its way to your face. you didn’t expect his answer, his lack of experience, to make you so happy.

it wasn’t like you’d kissed anyone either.

you wondered if he would care as much as you do if the roles were reversed.

if he ever looked at the boys who talked to you and felt sick.

if he ever wondered if someone got there first.

“have you?” he threw the question back at you, throwing the eraser between his two hands. he refused to make eye contact with you.

“no”

“oh,” he let out a deep breath.

you were both as inexperienced as each other. somewhere, deep in your chest, you felt relief. you were grateful to yourself that you had waited out. you didn’t entertain noah when he basically forced himself onto you at some party weeks ago.

you wanted it to be him. you shook that thought from your head as fast as it entered it.

It couldn't be andrew.

smurf had disappeared again, no telling when she’d return. as andrew got older, he knew where she’d go but refused to tell you. it didn’t upset him at all anymore. he seemed more relieved when she left, his guard coming down a little more. his walls immediately shot up when she returned.

you didn’t ask about it, you figured there was a reason for andrew not telling you anything.

it was late and you and andrew were both sat on the couch watching some action movie that was playing on cable. julia had gone out with her friends hours ago. you sat with your feet tucked under your legs, not paying attention to the movie. andrew sprawled across the couch, his arm hanging over the back. you hadn’t been paying attention to the movie, you’d been talking the whole time.

school.

julia.

gossip you’d heard in school.

the usual stuff. he pretended he wasn’t listening, staring at the tv but you knew he was. gradually, the conversation had died down into this comfortable silence you often found yourselves in.

he never minded the silence, you always tried to fill it somehow.

you didn’t this time. you took this opportunity to watch andrew. this wasn’t unusual. you often found yourself looking at him. probably more than what was deemed normal. constantly noticing new things or watching as his young features slowly changed over the years.

he’d let his hair grow longer recently, letting his natural curls show more.

he’d gotten a tiny scar on his eyebrow from falling off his skateboard.

the problem with andrew was that that he noticed everything, especially when it came to you.

“you’re doing it again,” he noticed, without looking away from the tv. you quickly darted your attention elsewhere, feeling the heat creep up your cheeks.

“i’m not doing anything,” your voice was quiet, something that only happened when you were embarrassed.

“you’re staring at me”

“no i’m not,” you shake your head, as if that will take the humiliation away. he turned to face you, a smirk pulling at his mouth.

“you are,” he stared at you, amusement in his voice.

“you wish,” you snicker back at him.

a hum.

a hum of approval comes from him.

instantly, the tension is the room became something it had never before. it was thick with something. you snapped your head over to his direction, he didn’t move. his face didn’t falter when you stared back at him. the smirk had dropped, but he never took his eyes off of you.

“what?” you whisper, your voice just audible over the tv. without much thinking, you were scooting closer to him, breaking the small amount of distance between you.

you had no idea what was happening, but you knew you didn’t want it to stop.

“i didn’t mean…” andrew began stuttering, taking back what he said even though deep down, he was serious.

he liked when he’d catch you out staring at him.

the look on your face when you realised you weren’t as slick as you thought you were.

your eyes grew big, the hue on your cheeks turning pink.

“andrew,” you whispered, you could hear your heart beating in your chest. his jaw tightened, and he looked away almost pained.

like he regretted saying anything.

you weren’t going to let this get pushed under the rug like you had the many conversations of before that kept you awake at night.

you didn’t know what you were doing, and neither did he. you brushed your hand over his arm, bringing him back to the moment. his skin was soft, surprising for someone with such a tough exterior. slowly you made your way up to his jaw, feeling it tense under your fingertips.

his eyes darted from yours to your lips. those butterflies, the one you felt when you were eight and every day since, made their return.

he let himself get closer than he ever had before. it wasn’t strange for you two to cuddle, you did it often but this felt different. his mouth with just centremetres from yours. he left space, an invitation to back out.

a way out from something he wasn’t ever going to take back.

you’d never done this. nerves filled every crevice of your body.

you didn’t back away. you let him get closer.

and closer.

until his lips were on yours.

his hand tightened around the couch cushion. for the first time since you’ve known andrew cody, he looked nervous. like he didn’t know what he was doing. his breathing was uneven, nervous, matching yours.

it was quick. one second they were on yours, and two seconds later they weren’t.

the fire in the pit of your stomach had spread to your whole body. everything felt different. good different.

he didn’t pull away completely, he let his forehead rest on yours. his eyes closed, and you felt as his chest rose and fell.

“waited so long,” he chuckled, finally coming back to the moment. his face was red, and he had a real smile on his face. a true one.

you were sure your face had turned a whole palette of reds and pinks. you kept your hand on his arm when he finally pulled away. you didn’t want to let go.

moments passed and you both stayed silent. a comfortable silence, just sitting in the moment. you’d moved so your head was now against his shoulder, his head on top of yours.

he looked peaceful, for once.

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