Julie

THE PRINCE OF THE NIGHT :  He is watching you, in the dark, as you rest in a deep and dreamless slumber. Today was a hard day. You cried. You went to all the places you know he likes, you called his relatives. He has been missing for a week now.

CLAIR DE LUNE : “my dad is Byun Baekhyun. My dad is a celebrity. At school, some people are afraid to talk to me and I don’t understand why. My dad is just a normal dad. I miss my dad”

SNOW AND ASHES :  “10 years ago, a great fire destroyed the castle upon the mountain. Baekhyun decides to go back to search for his lost friend, Taemin”

THE FOREST THAT SMELLS LIKE FALL : “Hello my dear friend. I haven’t written to you in a long time. I have so much to say to you. I met this guy, in this forest that smells like fall”.

LOVE AGAIN : Baekhyun is a model in Paris. A greek statue, as they call him. A statue he is indeed, as his heart is as cold as stone.

“My dad is Byun Baekhyun. My dad is a celebrity. At school, some people are afraid to talk to me and I don’t understand why. My dad is just a normal dad. 

I miss my dad. I love my dad”

It is raining outside, and I am laying in bed, sulking. Mom put me to bed early tonight, it wasn’t even dark outside. I asked to watch TV but she said no so I cried a little.  I am not a baby, I did it on purpose so she would let me, but it didn’t work.

The room is dark except for the little night light Mom turned on when she said good night. I am six years old; I am not a baby anymore, but I am still afraid of the dark. Mom promise to not tell anyone at school though, so it is ok.

It is raining a lot. I like the rain; it sounds like a lullaby. When my dad is home, he always sings me a lullaby before I go to sleep. My dad has a beautiful voice, “the voice of an angel” says mom. I don’t know how an angel sounds like, I have never seen one, except on TV but they sound very much like everyone else. My dad doesn’t sound like everyone else, so I guess the angels on cartoons are not real ones.

A dog barks in the distance and I sigh.

I hold my teddy bear, Tommy, tight against me. Tommy is a gift from my dad. I miss my dad. I wanted to watch the television tonight because I heard a commercial at dinner that said Byun Baekhyun was going to be on the show. My dad is a big celebrity, everyone knows him. At school, some people are afraid to talk to me because they know that my dad is a singer. I don’t really understand why. It is just a job. My dad is a normal dad.

Tommy smells like daddy.  Before he left, he put his perfume on him, so I won’t forget about him. I could never forget about my daddy, but the smell makes my heart very warm and I have the feeling that he is here with me.

I miss him. He has been gone for a lot of days now. Mommy and I are counting the days until he returns. Today was day 36.  I don’t know when he is coming back home. Mom told me, but it was a really big number, and I can’t count that far.

I am really not tired. Through the curtains I can see it is not dark yet. Why did Mommy put me to bed so early? Usually, we play games, or she reads a book to me. I am sad and angry. I sit, Tommy on my knees, and cross arms while uttering a deep sigh. Maybe Mom will hear me?

I listen carefully but the only sound my ear can catch is the sound of the rain. Stupid rain. I sigh again, louder this time, but there is no footstep to be heard on the other side of my door.

-        Tommy, I am bored, I say to the teddy bear.

-        You want to play? he seems to answer with his big round eyes.

No, I don’t. I want to watch the TV.

-        Tommy, I want Daddy….

This time, the plush doesn’t answer back and a tear comes down my eye. I am mad at Mommy for not guessing that I am sad. And I am a little mad at Daddy for not being here.

-        I love my daddy so much Tommy. He is the best daddy ever. When I am sad, he always plays with me. Do you remember when he gave you to me? You, daddy and I played for hours and hours. It was so funny! And then, I went to play with the other kids outside and I fell into mud  and came home crying but instead of scolding me, he laughed and told me about that one time when he fell into mud as well and hide from Grandma the all day.

I laugh. My dad is really funny. When he is home, Mom is always laughing. I love it, she is so beautiful when she smiles.

Another tear fell down on my cheek and I wipe it off very fast. I am not a baby; I am a big boy. Big boys don’t cry. Or at least that is what my teacher said when I hurt my knees on the playground a week ago.

Dad said it is ok to cry, even when you are a big boy. He said he still cries sometimes, when he is very happy or very sad and he said that it is not a weakness.  “If you cry, it means your heart is big and it is the most important thing in life.” I didn’t fully understand what he meant by “big heart”. I am a little scared that my heart becomes so big that my chest can’t contain it anymore.

But he also said that I have to listen to my teacher, so I am a little confused.

The rain is still pouring on the window. There is no light coming from the outside anymore, so I guess it is finally dark. For a minute, I am a little scared of the monsters that hide into the night.  I put the blanket over my shoulders and hold Tommy as tight as I can. Tommy smells like my dad. Tommy will protect me from the monsters.

Suddenly, I hear music coming from the living room. Wait. Not from the living room. From the piano.

I forget about the monsters and sit on my bed again, all ears. There is a melody in my house, a beautiful melody, very calm and magical. I have heard it many times before, I even know its name. I asked my dad one time when he was playing it.

-        It’s called “Clair de lune” my son. It means moonlight in French, he said before he put me on his lap and used my fingers to press the piano keys.

I put the blanket aside and listen carefully. I can’t be wrong. I know this music too well.

I jump out of bed and Tommy falls on the floor. I don’t care, I don’t need Tommy anymore. The floor is very cold and I am barefoot but I don’t care either. “Clair de Lune” is playing.

I open my door slowly and it creaks a little. My heart beats fast in my tiny chest. Maybe that is what daddy meant when he told me about having a big heart. The hallway is dark, mom must have turned on the lights when she left my bedroom. I look to the left, to the right. What if there is a monster hiding? What if the monster is making me imagine the piano, so that I would come out of my room and it could attack me?

But the piano sounds so real. I turn back quickly and get Tommy. I put my nose between his ears and take a deep breath. It smells like Daddy. Daddy would be brave. And Tommy will protect me.

I take another deep breath, run in place to give me courage, close my eyes and finally push the door.

I hope the monsters won’t get me.

I run, run and run for what seems like ages. I think I have never run that fast in my life. I run so fast that the monsters couldn’t get me, even if they wanted to. There is only one door to open between the hallway and the living room. My heart is racing. The handle almost escapes my hand, but I am stronger. I turn it, open the door, and close it behind me.

It is difficult to breathe. I was so scared, but I am proud because I won.

-        Hello, little bunny.

I look up.

Suddenly, I forget all about the monsters or my heart growing to big for my chest. I forget I was scared, and I forget I was even sad or angry. Here he is. His hair is brown. Last time I saw him his hair was white. But he hasn’t changed. He is looking at me and I feel surrounded by love. His smile is big, as big as mine.

My dad is playing the piano. My dad is playing Clair de Lune.

-        I wanted to surprise you and I knew you would recognize that song. I came home early little bunny.

I sniff. I didn’t even realize I was crying but I am. I probably shouldn’t be crying; I should be a big boy, but my dad is home. My dad is home and I want to be his little boy more than anything.

-        Daddy, I missed you.

"10 years ago, a great fire destroyed the castle upon the mountain. Baekhyun decides to go back to search for his lost friend, Taemin"

WARNING : ANGST

On top of the mountain, stood the remains of an old castle. The cold wind was passing through every room, one by one, caressing what was left of the ancient tapestries hung on the walls that stood still, like a skeleton of stone. The floor was covered by a white carpet, made of snow and ashes.

A portrait was proudly standing above the fireplace, whose stones had been spared by the Great Fire. The painting on the other hand was barely recognizable. A black layer of soot had covered the white skin and the crimson of the costume. As for the lower part of the piece, it had vanished into the flames, such as the man on the painting.

Baekhyun looked away from the portrait of his deceased friend and a shiver ran through his body. A snowflake came to die upon his lower lip, followed by a hundred, a thousand, a million more. It had started to snow again.

The wind was furiously howling in every corner of the castle.

Baekhyun wandered into the ruins for quite a while. Time elapsed differently on this mountain and he could not tell if he had been here for an hour or a week. The cold was penetrating his bones and the snow had dyed his hair white.

He was ambling through the halls, in the snow, in the cold, hoping to run into his old friend at the bend of a hallway. In the village, they said that Taemin still lived up here; that sometimes, on a warm summer night when the sky was clear of clouds, they could see the shivering light of a candle through the broken windows.

Was Baekhyun crazy or was he just missing his best friend? Maybe both. Madness and grief had guided his steps to this damned and haunted castle because he believed the rumors in the village. Did he believe in ghosts? He did not know himself, but he climbed the old dirt road now invaded by greenery on this warm night of July, hoping to see the one he considered his brother once again.

He entered what used to be the ballroom. He walked on the balcony overlooking the prodigious room that used to host so many receptions, official diners, balls… The last event had been the winter ball, ten years ago, before the flames colored the white snowy sky in red.

On his left, he noticed an opening through which the wind was blowing. Baekhyun remembered that instead of this big black hole, there was a door leading to the outside with a stainted glass Taemin was afraid of. Taemin was afraid of God, afraid of the Devil, afraid of Death.

Outside, the wind was calm, almost nonexistent. The night sky was full of stars and the air warmed his cold skin. Down in the valley, he could see the lights coming from the village. There was a big party, celebrating summer and good harvests. If he would have eavesdropped, he would have almost heard the voices and the laughs. But instead, he turned back and listened to the wind howling inside the castle, like a whisper screaming in a language he could not understand. The language of the dead.

Suddenly, he heard music coming from inside the castle. A slow and painful lamentation using the piano to utter its sadness. The wind was still growling, mixing its rage with the anguish of the music. And, in that specific moment, Baekhyun understood.

He had been searching for Taemin when Taemin was all around him. In the walls, in the wind, in the snow. Baekhyun smiled but a tear fell down his cheek.

In the ballroom, a red grand piano was sinking into the snow and a man wearing a crown which seemed to be made of horns was playing. A veil was hiding his face but Baekhyun was able to see the golden cross sparkling on the porcelain skin. The symbol of the Lee family.

He took a step forward cautiously, for where once was a wooden balustrade now there was a void. Down below, the phantomatic silhouette stopped playing, but the piano keys pressed themselves to continue the music. The owner of the place stood up and looked at Baekhyun through his black veil, in silence.

The snow around the silhouette and the piano intensified. The wind was lifting the veil gently, but never enough to reveal the face underneath. It did not matter to Baekhyun, he already knew. Was it a ghost, a memory, an illusion? He could not tell. But Lee Taemin was standing in that room, next to the piano still sinking into the snow like a bloodstain.

He frowned as he noticed a weird smell of burnt flesh, like the pig the villagers were about to eat in the valley. In the ballroom, Taemin opened his mouth.

What came out of that throat was no human sound, no animal sound, nothing that could be described. It seemed to come from a world no living soul should ever witness. It was pain, sadness, anger, and regrets. It was high and low-pitched at the same time. It was awful but also wonderful to the ears. It was the sound of death.

Baekhyun stepped forward and almost fell from the balcony. Taemin screamed louder until he caught fire.

The piano kept on playing. The wind kept on blowing. Taemin kept on screaming. The snow intensified in every part of the castle, but the snowflakes were no longer melting on Baekhyun’s skin. The smell of burnt flesh became stronger.

It was not snow falling. It was ashes. The piano finally disappeared into the mix of snow and ashes and the music stopped. There were only screams and wind.

Baekhyun wanted to run, wanted to leave this place and the horror that he was witnessing but he could not. Instead, he watched his friend combust again. He watched this tortured soul, so afraid of death that it could not accept it, that it had decided to cling on to this place and live into the memory of its last moments.

Taemin was living as a ghost, a spirit, a memory. A scared soul desperate for life and breath and summer.

Zoe and Baekhyun have known each other since they were childs. Brother and sister, best friends, lovers. Shadows

Destiny is not etched in stone. Fate doesn't exist.

And sometimes the shadow must be set free

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You are sitting on this comfortable chair, made of red velvet and wood. In any other occasion, you would take some time to appreciate the caress of velvet on your skin and how the cushion you are sitting on seems to conform to the shape of your body; But your muscles are tense and your mind is only concentrated on one idea.

You glance nervously to your left. He is standing by the window, his arms to the sides, staring at you as if he is waiting for you to say something, but it would be too risky to talk to him right now.

-        Do you know why you are here?

You turn your head toward the doctor. He is quite old, in his fifties as the wrinkles on the corner of his eyes can attest. His hair is white, and his eyes are light blue, like the color of a blue lagoon on which the sun is mirrored on a hot day of summer. His entire person seems to have been through some bleaching process that wiped every bright color out of him. He looks like a living ghost.

-        My mother asked me to come to this appointment, Doctor, you answer vaguely.

-        Do you know why? The doctor insists.

You look to your left again. He is smiling at you and, in his crescent eyes, you can read love and support. He mouths “I love you” slowly and distinctly and you feel your heart getting warmer in your chest.

You are not alone in this.

-        I do not know Doctor, you lie.  

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Little Zoe is playing on the playground. There is this big sandpit, but it has been raining for a week and her mother forbid her to go in it. Instead of digging into the sand, she has set her eyes on the swings and is now moving her legs backward and forward in order to move a bit. Sadly, she is a little thing, and the wind is blowing. Despite all the efforts she puts in, she does not swing much.

-        Mom! Please push me!

Her mom is reading a book, sitting on a bench. As usual when she reads, Zoe’s voice doesn’t distract her from her reading and the little girl sighs. She hopes her mother will find her a dad someday and that the two of them will give her a little sister or a little brother so that she would have a playmate at last.  

-        Do you want me to push you?

Zoe jumps out of the swing with fright and turns over quickly, ready to defend herself like her mother has taught her.

It is with her two hands raised in front of her face in a defensive position and fright into her green eyes that she meets Baekhyun for the first time.

Zoe and Baekhyun are eight.

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-        As you probably already know, I have been talking with your mother. You know she is genuinely concerned about you.

You roll your eyes. When will that old hag finally let you go and let you live your life on your own?

-        To be honest Doctor, I’m only here to please my mother. I don’t really know what she has told you but I’m a hundred percent sure that everything is fine with me. I should apologize for wasting your time.

You smile and behind the frowning doctor, he raises his thumb into the air in sign of encouragement.

The doctor writes something down on his papers and you sigh. Outside, the sun is shining. You and Baekhyun should be having a picnic by now and not being trapped in this rathole.

-        She told me you have a friend, the doctor says. I think she mentioned his name. Does the name Baekhyun ring any bell?

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Zoe is in mathematics class. She hates maths. Everybody hate maths, why do they need to know about stupid Pythagoras and Thales; the men have been dead for centuries.

The teacher is rambling on and Zoe is not paying any attention. Three tables away from her, Baekhyun is half asleep, his hand supporting his head, but he is placed in such a way that the teacher can’t tell if he is asleep or studying ardently.

You little sh-, she thinks

She grabs the handmade peashooter she has made from a ballpoint pen and hasten to insert a tiny ball of paper in it. From the way Baekhyun’s head is turned, she is sure she can hit him in the eye and wake him up. She approaches the peashooter to her lips, takes a deep breath and blows.

The insult that comes out of Baekhyun’s mouth when the paper ball hits him is covered by the school bell ringing and Zoe laughs out loud.

-        The fuck you’re doing Zoe, grouches Baekhyun as they both meet outside of the class. You know that the peashooter wasn’t supposed to be used on you or me!

He rubs his right eye and moan in pain.

-        Did I really hurt you?

Zoe is not laughing anymore. She just wanted to wake her best friend up because she was bored, not make him a one-eyed man.

Baekhyun is still rubbing his eye and Zoe can’t tell yet but he’s smiling.

-        No you didn’t, you idiot, Baekhyun exclaims suddenly as he opens his arms and imprisons his friend with them.

He passes one arm around her neck and rubs the top her head with his fist. She screams, outraged by the little game of her friend and yells at him to let her go. He laughs.

Zoe and Baekhyun are thirteen.

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-        Zoe, do you know who I am? Do you recognize me?

You frown. The doctor is looking at you as if you were some kind of freak.

-        I’ve never seen you before, how the hell am I supposed to recognize you?

The doctor writes something down on his papers again. The friction of the fountain pen on the paper is the only sound in this cold wooden room. Why do doctors always have wooden rooms to receive patients? It doesn’t feel warm or comfortable, it just feels intimidating.

By the window, Baekhyun finally moves and places himself just behind the doctor to read over his shoulder. From the look on his face, you are guessing that what the doctor is writing is not a delightful novel and your heart is tightening into your chest.

-        Zoe, if you don’t remember me, do you remember Baekhyun?

-        What an odd question, of course I do.

The doctor writes something again and you stretch your neck to read some of it, in vain.

-        Who is Baekhyun then?

Behind the doctor, Baekhyun looks up and stares at you. You blush slightly. You have confessed to Baekhyun years ago but having to do it again all of a sudden because of the doctor pressuring you is not that easy.  Nevertheless, the words come out of your mouth without you really thinking about them beforehand.

-        He is the love of my life and my soulmate.

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It is a Saturday afternoon and Zoe and Baekhyun are walking on the coastal path. The sea is calm, the wind is playing gently with their hair and some seagulls are flying in the sky.

-        There, says Baekhyun while pointing to a dirt road. Follow me.

Zoe is a little nervous but the excitation she feels surpasses her apprehensions.

-        You’re sure we’re not gonna get caught? She asked while going deeper into the dirt path.

The tall grasses are whipping her cheeks and one tickles her nose. She sneezes and Baekhyun turns around.

-        You’re not a baby anymore Zoe, he says while imprisoning her head between his hands. We are sixteen now, you need to act like an adult!

Usually she would have made a face or spit on his face as a joke, but his eyes buried into hers are making her fuzzy, her legs are weak, and her heart skipped a beat.

Baekhyun and Zoe have been best friends for years now. They don’t have any squad like the other kids, they’re not invited to birthday parties or class gatherings. They only have each other and they have never needed a third person.

Zoe and Baekhyun. Baekhyun and Zoe. Each other's shadows.

But lately, Baekhyun is different. He is taller, his jawline is showing, his shoulders are broader and his arms stronger. The other day when they went to the beach, Zoe noticed Baekhyun’s body for the very first time while he was running to the sea. His back is muscular now and so are his abbs.

-        Let me go, grunts Zoe.

The two of them continue their way into the tall grass and finally reach an area clear of any plants.

-        We can sit there!

Baekhyun sits cross-legged and looks up at Zoe, still standing up.

-        What are you doing, wuss, sit down! Do you have the lighter?

Zoe sits next to her friend and hands over the lighter to him . Baekhyun seizes it, smiling, before taking the cigarette they stole from Baekhyun’s father out of his pocket. He puts the cigarette in his mouth and Zoe’s gaze lingers over his pink wave-shaped lips.

She thinks it would be nice to kiss them.

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Baekhyun is smiling at you now.

-        I love you too, he says.

You know the doctor can’t hear the voice of your beloved, so you just remain quiet. You will talk to Baekhyun once you are out of this consulting room. You can’t wait to kiss him, to feel his breath on your skin and his warmth surrounding you. This room is cold and unwelcoming.

-        Your mother says she often hears you talking to Baekhyun? Continues the doctor. Is it true?

You deny it. No good would come from saying the truth, the doctor would just think you are crazy and send you to the mental hospital.

-        So you know that Baekhyun is no longer with us?

You chuckle. Nothing they can say could change the only fact that will always remain true as long as you will be alive. Baekhyun is your shadow. You are his shadow.

They will never be able to understand. 

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It’s prom night. Zoe is eighteen.

She is wearing a long red dress and high heels that hurt her feet. She tied her hair into a complicated bun and some strands of hair are stuck into her earrings.

She is not used to be dressed like this. She never wears heels, she prefers sneakers, and she thinks dresses are not as comfortable as the old pair of jeans she always wears.

But tonight is prom night. Tonight, Baekhyun is taking her to prom and she can’t wait to see him all dressed up in his suit.

It is 7pm. The doorbell rings.

Zoe is sitting on a chair in the kitchen and she doesn’t stand up right away. She is nervous and her head aches a little. Tonight, is the big night. Tonight, she is going to confess to Baekhyun. Tonight, she is going to tell him that she is in love with him.

Tonight, she wants to finally taste these lips she has been dreaming about for two years.

The doorbell rings again and she finally opens the door.

-        Hello Darling, says Baekhyun in a weird British accent.

Perched on her high heels, Zoe loses her balance for half a second. He has never looked more handsome. His dark hair, usually done coconut style, are styled and revealing his forehead. His white shirt fits closely to his chest and Zoe can easily guess the pectorals underneath.

When Baekhyun’s eye fall on Zoe, they open wide and his jaw drops.

They face themselves for a couple of seconds without exchanging any words. Outside, the night has fallen, and they can hear the kids playing from the playground. The same playground where they met each other for the first time ten years ago.

-        You are breathtaking, Baekhyun whispers .

His voice is so low Zoe is not sure if he is speaking to her or to himself., but the compliment warms her heart and she feels like she could take wings.

-        Do you want to drink something? She asked shyly.

Her hands are moisty, and her heart is racing into her chest, echoing into her ears. She would not be surprised if Baekhyun could hear it as well.

-        No it’s ok.

Baekhyun clears his throat, finally taking his eyes off Zoe. He seems agitated.

“No it’s ok”. 

Those are the last words Zoe will ever hear from Baekhyun’s living mouth. 

They go into the car together, both of them awkward for the other look astonishing and they both can’t think straight anymore.

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Zoe was in love with Baekhyun since she was sixteen. Baekhyun realized he was in love with her best friend when she opened that door and appeared looking like a princess in that long red dress.

Prom night was written in their history. This night was supposed to be their first dance, their first awkward smiles, their first kiss.

Zoe knew she has met the one she would share her life with. She knew Baekhyun was her soulmate.

Somehow, they both knew it from the moment they met in the playground.

They would have shared a beautiful life together. Baekhyun wanted two kids, she would have given them to him. She wanted to be a writer; she would have written novels for kids. He wanted to be a lawyer; he would have been the best lawyer of the State.

Even destiny can be changed. Even what seems to be etched in stone can be erased. Fate doesn’t exist.

Unless fate is that green car and this old drunk man that collided with Baekhyun’s car.

Unless fate is that green car and this old drunk man that broke eleven bones in Zoe’s body.

Unless fate is that green car and this old drunk man that took Baekhyun’s life.

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There is a tear on Baekhyun’s cheek, and you can’t understand why. He smiles, but you can tell from the look in his eyes that his heart is aching.

-        Zoe, the doctor sighs… I need you to come back to reality now….

You frown. Baekhyun wipes the tear out of his face.

The doctor opens a drawer of his desk and gets a piece of paper out of it. He puts it in front of you.

The page is damaged and crinkles as if someone’s tears fell on it. You come closer to it, intrigued as you recognize your own handwriting.

-        What is this? you ask.

The doctor stands up. He seems sad somehow.

-        You should read this… This is a letter you wrote in this office a week ago, in front of me. You made me promise to show it to you if your delirium comes back…. I don’t have any other choice.

Without any further explanation, he leaves the room.

-        What the fuck is going on?

You look at Baekhyun, searching for any kind of explanation. He is silently crying, and you feel like your heart is falling into an abyss.

-        Baekhyun, what’s going on?

He avoids the desk and gets closer to you. You don’t really know why but your throat is choked up and some tears are already spilling down your cheeks.

He kneels down next to you and take your hand in his. The warmth of his skin reassures you for a moment, but the expression of sadness on his face just makes you want to run away forever.

-        It’s going to be ok my love, he murmurs.

He kisses you slowly on the lips. Your kiss is wet and salty from all the tears and the taste of iodine reminds you of the beach Baekhyun and you used to go to as teenagers.

-        Read the letter baby, he says while caressing your cheeks.

You are afraid. You don’t know what is on that paper, but you are aware that it contains a horrible truth you don’t want to know.

Or maybe deep inside you, you already know.

Your hands are shaking when you take the paper. This is your handwriting indeed.

And as the reading goes, you realize the paper crinkles from the tears you shed on it a week ago.

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Hello Zoe

This is Zoe. Your lucid self.

If you read this, it is because doctor Zelner’s treatment didn’t work, and your delirium has come back. I am so sorry for you. I am so sorry for myself for failing on doing better.

I am sure you remember the car accident. The one when you were eighteen and heading to the prom with Baekhyun. Your knee still hurts when it’s raining outside.

On that day, Baekhyun died.

I don’t know how deep in your delirium you are. Sometimes, you know that Baekhyun is just a ghost and you are just convinced he came back to live by your side forever as a spirit. Sometimes, you don’t remember his death and think you two are married and have kids. One day, you tried to drive them to school and scared a poor teacher.

You tried to cope in your own way. You are still trying.

I know how painful it is. I know you love him. I know you miss him. I know it because I love and miss him too.

Please Zoe, you have to let him go. It’s been twenty years. He has been gone for twenty years…

I think he loved us. He never had the chance to told us but I’m certain he did. He has been a brother and a best friend to us. He would have been a boyfriend, a husband and a father if life wasn’t that cruel.

You will always love him, but you have to let him go.

You are not his shadow anymore. Don’t let him be yours.

I love you Zoe. Take care of us.

And be brave.

Tell me once again. Tell me you love me like you did that day.

Baekhyun was walking his way back home. The sun was going down and its last rays were streaking through the cloudless sky. 

The wind was gently caressing his golden skin, and pushing his hair backwards. He looked at his watch. 9pm. He sighed. 

If you turn away now, we can never come back to this.

He loved fashion and modelling had been his carrier for more than 6 years now. He had come to Paris in hopes of becoming someone, of meeting influential people and making a name for himself. He had succeeded, for sure. His name was on everyone’s lips ; Byun Baekhyun, the korean beauty, the face of perfection, the angel fallen from heaven. 

They had called him a greek statue. A statue he was, indeed. Cold, like frozen in time, unable to feel something as his heart was shattered into pieces. He was still breathing, his heart was still beating but he was dead somehow. He didn’t know how to smile anymore. He hadn’t heard his own laugh in weeks. His mind was oblivion, a black hole devouring even the slightest emotion. 

A statue, a rock, a nothing. Where is the difference ?

Tell me once again. Tell me that you love me again.

9 : 30. It was late and he was exhausted, but at least the subway wasn’t crowded. He had have a shooting not far from the Saint-Lazare station and had to go all the way back to Nation in order to go home. A 20 minutes journey. Not enough to his liking. 

The only journey he wanted to go to has a beginning but no end. Funny, he thought, how the beginning of that journey engenders the end of human life.

Come back to me again

The subway smelled like fat and sweat. Fat, because of the teenager enjoying his McDonald’s menu, three seat rows away from Baekhyun. Sweat, because it was the middle of July and the heat had been being sweltering for several days. It was quiet, except for the constant metal-on-metal grinding sound produced by the contact of the train on the rails and the feminine voice announcing the stations one by one. 

He didn’t notice any of that. He was floating outside of his body. He was trapped in his own head. 

It’s floating, like a balloon. I’m filled with those memories. I’m still just as I have always been.

Pyramides station. On the platform, two young persons, a man and a woman, were smiling at each other. They talked briefly and kissed.

Something inside Baekhyun broke. His dead heart ached in his chest and he went out of breath for a second. His stomach was twisting in his belly and he felt like throwing up.

I’m filled with those memories. I’m still just as I have always been.

His consciousness suddenly  reclaimed is body. Inside his brain, a powerful force was trying to break through, as a little insect digging his way out. The grinding sound became clearer, the smell of sweat stronger. The kids eating his McDonalds was making mouth noises. 

The statue was broken. The black hole was filled to the brim and not able to devour anything. He was awaken.

Baekhyun didn’t want to go home. He didn’t want to go back to that empty apartment. She had been gone for weeks now, but the smell of her hair seemed to be clinging on the walls, the furnitures wood and the bed sheets, like a nightmare he couldn’t get rid of. 

« Don’t think about her, Baekhyun. She’s a stranger. She’s no one »

The feminine voice announced Chatelet. Without really understanding why, he stood up abruptly, glanced at the kid eating his french fries and got out of the train. He had to get out. He had to escape. He was suffocating.

But now you’re trying to run away so that the race of our love can never end babe.

Paris is a curious city. When you come here for the first time, everything amazes you.  The buildings, the ceaseless flow of passersby, that man on the parvis of Notre Dame singing to French songs with his accordeon. But one day, you become an accustomed in this big city. One day, you notice the smell of dirt, the unhappy faces that surround you and the homeless guy singing songs for money.

Baekhyun had been in Paris for 6 years and he had come to hate it. If he could vomit a city, he would. 

The city of love, they call it… 

Tell me once again. Say that you love me again. 

He walked. The sun was down. The lights coming from the lamp posts guided him. One foot in front of the other. He was looking down and walking fiercely. But his steps was leading him no where.

« You can’t escape »

Tell me once again. Say that you love me again. 

Why was he thinking about her ? She had left, she had abandoned him, she had disappeared. He was doing fine. Why breaking down ? Why thinking about all of this ? Why torturing himself ? 

The apartment. Her sent floating in every room. 

9 : 45.

Say that you love me again.

He looked up. The sky was dark, the stars seemed to be mocking him and the tears that was rolling down his face. He had been dead for weeks but life had regained his body. And with life comes all the burdens of a human being. Love, regret, pain. 

Notre Dame was watching, gigantic and noble. Baekhyun was standing on the bridge over the Seine River. He wasn’t a believer, but he looked at the basilica imploring for help. Praying for help. 

And in the night she stood still and quiet.