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This is an anti-despair checkpoint! You must share something you're looking forward to before scrolling on.

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There’s a lot of things you’ve done that Becky doesn’t know about
so. this weekend a dear, dear friend looked at me, eyes full of love and pride, and said “i’m not worried about you anymore. i know you’ll be okay.” and like it felt so good but
holy shit. i’m doing worse than… arguably ever. maybe even worse than 2014. my body is shutting down. my brain isn’t working,
and let’s be 100% clear, this is MY fault. this is on nobody else. i don’t know if that’s self-pity or self-awareness or whatever. i’m too numb and tired.
i’n not even sure it’s giving up. I don’t feel like I’m giving up. I don’t think I want to give up. but it feels like the lights are going out and i think maybe it’s just been too long now. maybe i’ve taken too long or waited too long.
too numbed out to be scared.

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btw it's so fucking stupid you can be anxious physically in your body even after you've decided mentally you don't care. I'm supposed to be in charge here
i keep getting this instagram ad for what i assume is a romantasy novel that begins w the phrase “imagine knowing your destiny in life…is to die” n it’s pissing me off SO BAD. everyone’s destiny in life is to die. that’s like. kind of the main one.

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you'll get the urge as an artist or a writer to say out loud the things you're worried about "the proportions are off" "kind of out of character" "i'm not good at summaries" "didn't get as much detail as i wanted" "i made a mistake and here's how" and that's the self-conscious part of your brain telling you "it's bad and if you don't tell them you know it's bad then they'll think you're stupid" but you've got to ignore that little voice and pretend you think it's good or else that little voice is going to ruin your life
Some of the best advice I have ever gotten was from a creative writing professor. She said never apologize for your work. Never critic it before someone else does.
Her reasoning was you are the creator. You made your work from nothing and can see all the flaws and seems and holes. But your audience may not see any of it. Maybe they will; maybe they won't. But if you TELL them about the holes and the mistakes and the problems....they will 100% see them. So don't tell them. Don't sabotage yourself just because you think you're not good enough.
anyway i have given myself formal permission to officially eat shit 50 days from now, so now it’s just a matter of killing haha time i guess, what a pain in the ass these seven weeks will be, sheesh
still here, about ten weeks later. oops. maybe soon though.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Emily Dickinson, in a letter to Catherine May Scott wr. c. August 1848