Bad Chaotic Science

Bad Hypothesis: If I send my ex this public domain photo of a donkey [Appendix A] with the text “donkey wonkey”, he will take my light-hearted message as a personal slight, fall into a deep ponderation of our time together, and ultimately regret our separation.

Chaotic Method:

1. Get into a 4-year committed relationship.

2. Love each other deeply but decide to amicably split.

3. Grieve.

4. Notice you’re somewhat weirder than them and were the whole time.

4. Feel a hint of wanting their attention while simultaneously enjoying being single and thinking “we’re all friends here”.

5. Locate a public domain picture of a donkey. But don’t look up ass. Have some class.

6. Send it to the ex through text message.

7. Follow up later if there is no response.

Bad Materials:

- 4 years of your time

- See Appendix A

Chaotic Results: No response. Later, somewhat forgetting my goal here, I sent them a funny video. They replied to that. We proceeded to have a full conversation. ‘Perfect,’ I think, ‘they will mention the donkey soon’. No such time came. During the text conversation I asked whether they had any feelings about my donkey meme. I clarified that it’s for science and refreshed them on the facts: It was a picture of a donkey and I said: Donkey wonkey. They replied "Oh I remember it all right. Wish I could forget…". After telling them about my project and thanking them for participating in our research (because I’m ethical), they simply hit me with "Lmao bro..".

Bad Limitations: I should’ve just left donkey wonkey be, leave donkey wonkey free.

Chaotic Future Research: Perhaps a pelican welican would be better. Or maybe chose better ex?

Bad Conclusion: We are still broken up. It’s okay though. Donkey wonkey fulfills me. And a lover who can’t appreciate that is no good to me.

Chaotic Recommendations: Try this at home* if your ex has a sense of humour. Otherwise, don’t be that guy pal you’re not that guy pal we’re all donkey wonkeys.

*Home being the broken home of the life you created together. Now you must return to your own lives. Having gained a lot and only losing what could’ve been.

Appendix A

Bad Hypothesis: Will God smite me for my morbid curiosity or the Monster energy drink and mash potatoes cuisine?

Chaotic Method & Bad Materials:

Chaotic Results: My journal reads, "I think I’ve actually invented a new flavour. Like there’s no way anything could possibly taste like this. Not exactly a mix. It feels new. Like I’m having trouble comparing it to anything. Because who in their right mind would make anything that tastes like this? Okay wait I might have a comparison. Not super accurate but best I can do. Imagine if those pink rubber erasers were dipped in what someone who has never tasted sugar thinks cotton candy tastes like. Now imagine that flavour with the texture of silly bandz bracelets if they were melted down into a sludge-like concoction" (genius, 2023). Additionally, professors (sample size = 1) will respond to this information within minutes to express their concern.

Bad Limitations: I have made a severe and continuous lapse in my judgement, and I don’t expect to be forgiven.

Chaotic Future Research: The potatoes are…very slappable. Slap potatoes.

Bad Conclusion: The abomination that I have brought into being can only bedescribed as a miracle, for it is a miracle that God would ever allow me to create such an atrocity and offence to nature. This deserves to be burned at the stake.

Bad Hypothesis: If I cover my nipples in enough makeup, they will disappear.

Chaotic Method:

1. Take out expired FitMe foundation you used to use as a theatre kid.

2. Get naked and spite the will of God.

3. Pour large amounts of foundation onto your chest. Do not dramatically shake your boobs as if you are in a gross college film as it would make a mess.

4. Blend it out with a beauty sponge. Say thank you to the sponge for its hard work.

5. Repeat steps 3-4 every time the circumference of nipples starts to reveal itself.

6. Record results with Polaroid cameras because you fear technology.

Bad Materials:

- Foundation (preferably the colour of your boob, not of your nipple).

- Something to blend your foundation out with (pure willpower will do).

- A mirror (to admire your new neutral chest bags from all angles).

- A soothing voice to tell your nipples to calm down (so that they remain as incognito as possible).

- Cleanser or something for afterwards (it’s the only hope for your pores).

Chaotic Results:

- It worked pretty good. I was pleased. Pictures will not be included (see step 6 of Methodologies).

Bad Limitations:

- Nipples were not in state of ultimate softness that would allow for best results.

- Foundation had to be reapplied as the perimeter of nipples began to reveal itself rather than not knowing where cleavage ended and the e world began.

- Setting spray nor powder was employed.

- I only tried like medium hard but I committed fully.

Chaotic Future Research:

- Different skin tones/types.

- Different titty/chest shapes and sizes.

- Different/better foundations.

- Could you make your whole body the same colour creating a uniform meat sack?

Bad Conclusion: Nipples have exceptional camouflaging abilities once covered in foundation, but not supernatural abilities as their 3D contour and shape cannot fully be covered.