The Bacon and Egg Roll Project

  Remember when the iPad first came out and every dipshit with a Twitter account was saying things like, “Hey @SteveJobs what next…the iTampon?” and getting at least five retweets?  Well fast forward to 2014 and said dipshits have long since deleted those twitter accounts, because the ghost of Steve Jobs was right, iPads are cool. See, the moral of the story is sometimes, unless you’re old man Jobs, you don’t realize how much you’ll actually like something until it’s forced upon you.

Which is why, when I saw that the Bower’s bacon and egg roll came adorned with something I’d never before seen on a B&E in my life I kept my mouth shut.  Friends, this time it wasn’t an avocado schmear nor a sauteed piece of kale, but rather, a deep fried hash brown!

Yes a hash brown, the oily breakfast king that everyone loves but is embarrassed to admit, there’s something about enjoying reconstituted precooked glistening cubes of semi transparent potato coated in yellow powder fried in hot oil that makes you feel kind of low brow, so whenever I’m offered one, I reluctantly accept but on the inside, I’m crying tears of breakfasty joy.

When the B&E&HB arrived at my table, I was beyond excited, I eagerly took my first bite and it was amazing – the hash brown that is.  The issue was, the hash brown was so damned amazing, the rest of the B&E ingredients paled in comparison.  The roll didn’t possess the structural integrity to house such a breakfast giant, the bacon wasn’t cooked near enough, the salad was an unwelcome addition and the egg, well, it was good enough to provide the HB with a satisfying liquid coating, but that’s about it.  I feel this B&E really served as an example of why hash browns should remain scarce on the breakfast menu because let’s face it, they’re just too great.  If you replaced this B&E with a stack of HBs then it would have been an easy 20/20, but that’s crazy talk, because let’s face it if we were allowed to eat the stacks of hash browns that we all secretly want, we’d all be dead, and buried in hash brown coffins.

Bacon Situation: The bacon situation was nothing to write home about. 

Change from a $10: Minus $2.70 which is enough to buy you a minus 3-5 section adult bus ticket. 

Special Mentions: The Bower cafe is located half way between Manly and Shelley Beaches, it's set in one of the most idyllic locations we've ever reviewed. It's so close to the ocean, on rough days sometimes you can't even sit outside because the sea will hit you in the face.  Also, they serve cute cookies alongside every coffee! 

Bacon: 13/20 Egg: 15/20 Roll: 14/20 Vibe: 19/20 $$$:  12/20 Total B&E Score: 74/100

I don’t know when exactly brioche erupted onto the trendy food scene, perhaps somewhere between sliders and pulled pork with slaw, what I do know is that it’s appearances on a breakfast menu should be limited to fancy French toast, because it just doesn’t have the structural integrity for those savoury breakfast items. The B&E at Shot Cafe, arrives at the table looking incredible, but upon first contact with that brioche bun, it becomes glaringly obvious that the brioche is just for show. See, brioche buns have a lot in common with fake boobs, they look amazing at a distance, but when you hold them in your mitts, more often than not they fall apart before completely disintegrating, leaving your hands covered in nothing but a thin coating of warm egg yolk.

Perhaps they’re designed to be admired from a far, or perhaps I just revealed I’m largely inept when it comes to eating anything that required a little tact, but either way, I’m keen for a new café bread trend.  Isn’t it about time pumpernickel had its day in the sun?

As for the rest of Shot on Military bacon and egg roll experience, well, it was fine.  The bacon was ok, the relish good, the egg was also alright, and the eggshell blue plate was a nice touch, but I just couldn’t get past the fact that the roll tasted dangerously close to cake.

Bacon Situation: This particular situation was good, I mean, there could have been more bacon, but who’s to say, what constitutes “enough bacon” is there even such a thing?

Change from a $10: One dollar.  We suggest giving that coin to a child as a gold coin donation so they can wear mufti to school.

Special Mentions: The owner of the café is an interesting character, who looks like he could be the brother of the guy that sings for Russian folk band, Gogol Bordello.

Bacon: 16/20 Egg: 16/20 Roll: 12/20 Vibe: 17/20 $$$:  16/20 Total B&E Score: 77/100

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. And, while you’re at it, choose a bacon and egg roll from Lewisham’s Trainspotting cafe. Because, unlike heroin, you won’t regret it.

This roll is an intriguing proposition. Served on surfboard-shaped Turkish bread, it features added extras of avocado, rocket, and, in a first for The Bacon and Egg Roll Project, basil and feta sauce. The B&F sauce is the highlight of this B&E. It’s seriously addictive stuff - either because basil and feta are a great combination, or they slipped a cheeky little bit of smack in there to add to the Trainspotting theme. (I didn’t see any babies climbing on the roof, so I’m going to assume the former.)

The other pleasant surprise of this B&E is the aforementioned Turkish bread. I’ve held a grudge against the Turkish people since the bloody battle of Gallipoli in 1915. But, 102 years on, I feel I can now admit something: those Turks know how to make a slice of bread. The Turkish bread's craters conveniently absorb the B&F sauce and egg yolk. And the softer consistency is a welcome change from those tough sourdoughs, which are now responsible for over 95 per cent of inner-city dentist visits.

Next time I get the shakes and need a B&E fix, Trainspotting is one of the first places I’ll hit up.

CHANGE FROM A $10

$0.00 - Which, according to a duet by Luther Vandross and Janet Jackson, is still enough for you to purchase “the best things in life”.

BACON SITUATION

Charred, crispy, succulent - this bacon is like a confused student doing a multiple choice test: ticking heaps of boxes.

SPECIAL MENTIONS

I’ve said before that I find Chai the perfect companion beverage for a bacon and egg roll. But when it comes to music companions, I believe hip hop is the clear winner. Trainspotting has this figured out - big shout to the staff member on the decks playing high quality beats.

Bacon: 17/20 Egg: 19.0/20 Roll: 17/20 Vibe: 19/20 $$$: 15/20

Total B&E score: 87/100

Any place that shares a common wall with a bacon depository is a place where I want to eat bacon.

The Butcher’s café is located a pork chop’s throw away from an actual butcher packed with meats so glorious that I can only imagine they are a constant feature in local dogs’ wet dreams.  On this particular Sunday, I decided to throw tradition out the window and pay the extra $1.50 to add avocado to my bacon and egg roll so this is the first time I’ve reviewed a B&E with an avocado situation, and let me tell you, I was most definitely on board.  I can now safely say that the flash of creamy green is enough to convince your brain that you’re doing your body a solid, so you don’t feel so bad about eating something that is largely comprised of the stuff that gives people heart attacks.

Now, this B&E is wonderfully old fashioned, there are no brioche buns in sight, just the most basic of ingredients cooked to perfection.   The bacon, sourced next door is impossibly thin, and as I’ve established in previous posts, I run on a platform of thin rashers.  How glorious it would be to live in a world where all bacon rashers were so thin they were semi-transparent? But alas, I am not (yet) in the business of bacon, so when I do come across an establishment that heralds the thin rasher, I feel it is my duty to celebrate it.

As for the other B&E components: the egg was perfectly cooked and runny and the roll had superior chew factor, the only down side was the complete lack of sauce.  Unfortunately there were no condiments on this puppy, and even though the golden egg yolk and avocado did their best to conceal that fact, the B&E was missing that sweet relish tang that I have grown so fond of.  That said, I’m sure if you ask nicely, they’ll work a little something something out for you.

BACON SITUATION: Bacon textbooks would do well to feature an image of these rashers on their front covers.

CHANGE FROM A $10: You’re left with a reasonable $3.60 in change, which can buy you a single can of coke at Sydney Olympic park. 

SPECIAL MENTIONS: Uhh, there’s a butcher right next door. You can buy the actual bacon they use and eat it all over again privately in the comfort of your own home.

Bacon: 19/20 Egg: 17/20 Roll: 18/20 Vibe: 16/20 $$$: 18.4/20

Total B&E score: 88.4/100

If there were a school for Bacon and Egg Rolls, Wedge Espresso's would probably be expelled.

This B&E breaks all the rules. There’s ham instead of bacon, a panini instead of a roll, cheese and avocado, and, I’m told by the menu, an egg which has been “smashed”. They’re trouble, alright.

Let’s start with the ham. To be fair, this isn’t the first time I’ve caught a cafe trying this. I’ve seen Cornersmith in Marrickville and Raglands in Redfern also attempt the ham-bacon switcheroo. When you’re achin’ for some bacon - as I so often am - it’s hard to consider it anything other than straight up fraud. But, on this occasion, I must admit I don’t feel swindled by the ham scam. Nothing ever beats bacon, to be sure, but “swine is swine”, as they say …

(Disclaimer: No one actually says that. But they should.)

Another reason not to feel swindled is that there’s a lot of extras packed into ‘The Henry’. (That’s the name of Wedge’s B&E, their rule-breaking ranges from the culinary to the linguistic.) The aioli, avocado, cheese, tomato and rocket are very much like Bill Murray and Wes Anderson: together, they achieve greatness. Salt and pepper flakes and a dash of olive oil on top of the panini are a nice touch as well. I’ve heard that’s how the Royal Family season their paninis.

(Disclaimer: a Google search concerning the above statement yielded no results.)

So while there are certainly grounds to expel Wedge Espresso, by the time I was finished with The Henry I came to the conclusion they should be allowed to stay. They’re the student with so much darn charm you can’t help forgive the ham scams and egg smashing. Part of me thinks they could be a bad influence; the other part wants to hang out with them some more.

CHANGE FROM A $10 Minus $3. But if you break a twenty, you can save the $7 change for the next time you have to visit a doctor. (Yes, you read that right, the Bacon and Egg Roll Project is getting political. Watch out, Abbott.)

BACON SITUATION There is no bacon situation. Or is there some kind of situation because you're still eating pig? As Kara said while watching me eat The Henry, “It’s enough to start an existential crisis.”

SPECIAL MENTIONS Have a childhood regression and wash down your meal with the iced milo!

Bacon (?): 15/20 Egg: 18/20 Roll: 19/20 Vibe: 19/20 $$$: 12/20

Total B&E score: 83/100

Guest Post by Elizabeth McDonald who blogs at Butter and Salt I like eating animals. In fact, I enjoy eating animals so much that I want to see at least two butchers shops while I eat my bacon and egg roll. Which is perfect if you’ve been able enough to haul yourself out of bed on a Sunday morning and into the glorious sunshine at the Addison Road Organic Markets, held every Sunday from 9:00am until 3:30pm. Make your way down the first long aisle of food stalls, hang a right and join the queue.

The stall itself is called Bowen’s Bacon & Egg Rolls. If that doesn’t set the scene I don’t know what will. There are no frills here. No relish, no reduction, no designer salad leaves, no plates. You get four rashers of crispy, thin, slightly charred bacon, a perfectly cooked egg with a broken yet runny yolk sitting on a lovely white roll. Condiments include your choice of Masterfoods tomato sauce, bbq sauce, Tabasco and salt & pepper. To be applied yourself atop a paper napkin.

Do not let this informal setting fool you, this bacon and egg roll is outstanding. It never ceases to amaze me how these thin bacon rasher crisp up while remaining moist and still manage to taste so strongly of that most holy of trinities - smoke and salt and meat. It’s all surface, there’s nowhere for the flavour to hide!

The eggs are cooked in oiled rings right on the same hotplate that the bacon sizzles on, resulting in extra bacon-y flavour. The yolks are busted before your very eyes, which may cause some alarm but fear not, they’re then effortlessly flipped and hastily transferred to your waiting roll. The result is an oozy yet manageable prebird that coats your proscuitto-thin bacon and runs satisfyingly into your fresh, untoasted white bread roll. Ordinarily plain, white bread could be unflattering, but not with this sandwich. The roll is soft but retains structural integrity, it doesn’t absorb too much liquid but neither does it leave you gagging for water. It’s basically the perfect unassuming vessel that it needs to be.

The staff at Bowen’s are understandably secretive of their bacon and egg sources, revealing only that all their ingredients are local, free range and stress free. “The boss hasn’t even told me where it comes from!” I am told cryptically.

There’s something nostalgic about this style of bacon and egg roll. It’s evocative of Saturday morning netball or the special times when Dad surprises the family with a massive breakfast and unashamedly leaves the fat on. It’s simple, honest, unpretentious and just damn good. There’s no judgement here, this is a safe place. A place definitely worth donning your darkest shades and adding an extra shot of espresso to your latte for.

CHANGE FROM A $10 The roll is $6.50. Which leaves you with enough change for either a coffee from one of two excellent coffee carts at the market or a middy from the Vic, just a few minutes walk up the road.

BACON SITUATION Perfectly adequate and you can stroke your morals for eating free range, local, stress free meat. It is familiar yet somehow different, you’ll wonder how you ever went without this super thin bacon BFF.

SPECIAL MENTIONS The Addison Road Organic Market is such a wonderful way to spend your Sunday morning (or afternoon). I highly suggest bringing a shopping list with you and grabbing a black pudding from the friendly Scottish butcher, as well as your weekly veggies from any number of vendors. Drink your freshly squeezed juice on the grass and watch the tiny pony rides.

Bacon: 19/20 Egg: 17/20 Roll: 16/20 Vibe: 16/20 $$$: 18.5/20

Total B&E score: 86/100

I am not a negative person. “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” is a cliche rule I try my best to abide by. But sometimes when you’re a B&E reviewer, there comes a time when you must break the rules. For the good of the bacon and egg roll consuming public you are forced to speak out against injustice, wrongdoing, and a particularly odd smattering of rocket. Now, for me, that time has come.

You probably shouldn’t buy the bacon and egg roll from Newtown’s Urban Bites cafe. It is a subpar B&E.

OK, that may seem harsh. But, before you think I’ve gone all Simon Cowell on you, consider my long history with this roll.

Outside Urban Bites is a sign, seen below, advertising a B&E special for just $5.

“$5? I haven’t seen a B&E priced that low since a Saturday morning sports barbecue in the 90s,” I’ve thought many times when walking past the sign. After having this thought for perhaps the fifteenth time, I decided it may be worth forking out a fiver at Urban Bites.

Now, I don’t mind eating a cheap, basic bacon and egg roll. There’s no prerequisite for enjoyment that B&Es contain ‘housemade relish’ or be served on wooden boards. But there is one prerequisite for enjoyment: that the B&E is at least substantially bigger than my Macquarie University student card. As you can see by the side-by-side photo, the Urban Bites B&E failed this test.

To call this roll fun size is an insult to the lame marketing concept of fun size. The thing’s truly tiny - if that photo’s not clear enough, you should know that I consumed the entire B&E in just four bites. (Those were normal-size bites, not Hot Dog Eating Contest bites.)

Unfortunately, the egg was also all kinds of dire. It was the worst type of runny: watery runny. Little white chunks of egg were bobbing up and down in a sea of greyish liquid. The thing looked like something from a Science lab’s petri dish, not a bacon and egg roll.

But it wasn’t all so grim. The bacon and the roll were perhaps passable, and I didn’t get food poisoning. Also, the non-B&E food my breakfast companions ordered didn’t seem so bad.

As I said earlier, it pains me to be negative and say something when I don’t have anything nice to say at all. But I know that as part of the Project it is my duty to have integrity and declare my true feelings to you, the bacon and egg roll consuming public.

From now on, though, when I walk past that sign outside Urban Bites, I’ll remember another cliche rule. “If it’s too good to be true, it probably is.”

CHANGE FROM A $10 $5.00 - Enough for you to buy one Resch’s longneck, the perfect beverage to drink away the pain of eating a subpar B&E.

BACON SITUATION Passable.

SPECIAL MENTIONS This is the only B&E I’ve had which has a pile of rocket next to it?

Bacon: 10/20 Egg: 0/20 Roll: 10/20 Vibe: 10/20 $$$: 20/20

Total B&E score: 50/100

The B&E at Three Blues Ducks is so goddamn delicious; I wouldn’t have cared if I'd walked away from that eating experience pregnant.

Artfully fried and as big as my palm, the egg was glorious, with a yolk as runny as yolk can be without it being raw and gross. This B&E was packing two condiments, a pimento relish, which provided a satisfyingly saccharine note to combo alongside an herbed hollandaise. Yes, you read correctly, hollandaise sauce all up in that B&E, and I don’t even like hollandaise, but this time it was doing everything right.  It was like the butter you put on your banana bread that you know you don’t need, but over the years you’ve tricked yourself into thinking banana bread is actually a legitimate type of bread rather than a cake and therefore slathering it with butter isn’t so bad. The hollandaise coated the toasted bun with its herby goodness, and it’s slight lemon tang made it easier to forget I was fundamentally coating my bacon fat in liquid fat.

My only beef was that the bacon was a little too thick, I’m not particularly fond of a thick slice of bacon, especially when it crosses into ham steak territory.  At no point during my breakfast eating do I like being reminded that I’m eating the cooked muscle of a dead animal, and when a slice of bacon is too thick, that’s all I can think about it.  In my opinion, bacon should never be thicker than an ant standing on all 6 legs.  But, to fault this B&E is really clutching at straws, I was in violent incomprehensible bliss from my first bite until my last, and because it was so damned big, the last 7 bites or so I had to forced down my throat hole.

BACON SITUATION: As noted above the bacon is thick, and I’m a thin slice advocate myself, but had it been any thinner it would have been perfect, and I would have been forced to run away with the Three Blue Ducks B&E and elope. 

CHANGE FROM A $10 This Bacon and egg roll costs 16.  Change? Fuck no. YOU GET NOTHING, YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY SIR.   

SPECIAL MENTIONS: The Three Blue Ducks gets all it’s bread fresh from Iggy’s Bakery just a few doors down, if you have any stomach space left over after, I strongly recommend picking up some bagels and cheese and fashioning a cute lunch picnic to have by the Bronte beach. 

Bacon: 17/20 Egg: 19/20 Roll: 19/20 Vibe: 17/20 $$$: 9/20

Total B&E score: 81/100

When a co-founder of The Bacon and Egg Roll Project visits a cafe that has ‘pig’ in its name, there’s going to be some high expectations. My visit to Petersham’s The Pig & Pastry was no exception. I had already placed an enormous burden on staff: this bacon better be the best goddam bacon to ever cross paths with my taste buds, or I’m writing a letter to the local Council formally requesting your cafe remove ‘pig’ from its name.

And I have to say, after eating this B&E, I will be sending a letter to the local Council ...

(Dramatic Reality TV pause.)

... telling them not to listen to any maniacs asking The Pig & Pastry to change their name, because their bacon is indeed the best bacon to cross paths with my taste buds.

To articulate the beauty of this cured meat through the limited form of human language is an unenviable task. It’s crispy to a fault, yet sufficiently succulent; it’s not overly fatty or oily, but neither is it immaculate and prissy. Essentially, this bacon is like a female CEO who is also successfully raising a family: it somehow manages to have it all.

Bacon aside, the rest of the package ain’t too shabby neither. A soft bap, grilled tomato and housemade tomato sauce all impress - though, part of me does wonder how much of this is their own inherent impressiveness, or the bacon lifting them up to another level. (A bit of a “if I have tasted better it is by standing on the shoulders of giants” scenario.)

Regardless, The Pig & Pastry's B&E is a triumph of the highest order. Merely reflecting on their bacon as I wrote this sent me into a transcendent state I previously believed could only be achieved through years of strict Buddhist meditation. Is that an offensive thing to say about one of the world's oldest religions? Probably. But is it the truth?

(Dramatic Reality TV pause.)

Yes.

CHANGE FROM A $10 $1.00 - Enough for you to buy one heavily discounted Easter egg this week.

BACON SITUATION Let me put it this way: I would not be surprised if the rest of Sydney’s bacon buy extravagant sports cars in an attempt to compensate for how inadequate they feel compared to The Pig & Pastry’s bacon.

SPECIAL MENTIONS As you may have noticed from the photo, the E in this B&E is seriously runny. My breakfast companion recorded yolk drippage down to her elbow - a Bacon and Egg Roll project yolk drippage record. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Bacon: 20/20 Egg: 19.5/20 Roll: 18.5/20 Vibe: 19/20 $$$: 16/20

Total B&E score: 93/100

The upside the B&E at the Boathouse in Balmoral is that it’s served on a plank of polished wood outside in the sunshine on a deck suspended over the ocean. The downside is that you have to wait half an hour just for a table.  I suggest heading to the Boathouse at least 40 minutes before you feel those hunger pangs otherwise you’ll risk causing a scene when you take bite out of someone’s face like that insane man who did all that bath salt.   

This B&E comes with a severe amount of B in varying degrees of crispiness coated with a sweet tomato relish encased in a toasted, perfectly chewy roll (the roll connoisseur in me noted that it’s the exact same roll used by B&E alumni Gather on the Green).  My only real issue was the E. You see, my particular egg was overcooked and the yoke was too firm, jealousy washed over me as I noted at neighbouring tables, golden yokes were cascading over unsuspecting eater’s chins without eliciting so much as a grin. Even my brother who ordered the same breakfast had the joyous yoke experience that I so badly required that morning.

I suppose at the Boat Shed you’re not so much paying for the food as you’re paying for the experience of sitting in a multimillion dollar building perched on a jetty.  You pay for the view of the beach, the giant barrels of fruit that adorn the entrance, the crab traps suspended from the ceiling, the smoothies served in old fashion pint glasses with paper straws, and the sand you find in your shoes long after you’ve left.

CHANGE FROM A $10 No dice.  As stated this B&E costs $12. So look forward to walking up that hill to the bus stop. 

BACON SITUATION A whole lot of damned good bacon, some super crunchy, some just caramelized and everything in between makes for an amazingly textured B&E experience.

SPECIAL MENTIONS Well, the view is pretty idyllic.  Also the smoothies are amazing, but also expensive, I’d suggest you pack at least two twenties in your wallet for this breakfast excursion.

Bacon - 19/20 Egg - 16/20 Roll - 18/20 Vibe - 19/20 $$$ - 13/20 Total B&E score: 85/100

Guest Post by Max Skillbeck Porter 

There's a sign on the window of this unassuming restaurant* that could be easily missed. Scrawled on a bit of card in a manner that exudes benevolence, like the shaky scroll of a grandparent on a grandchild's birthday card are the words: "bacon egg roll and coke $5.50". When I notice it I am taken aback, for these are old world prices and indeed you could be forgiven for thinking you have walked through the fabric of spacetime as you enter this quaint and quite beautiful restaurant*. 

Crisp to the lips and replete with glistening grease, this roll whisks me back to simpler times; to the twinkling wide eyed wonderment of childhood - to the innocence of youth. Absent are those too-potent cherry tomato relishes and chilli jams that you may find in some bourgeois cafes of exclusive postcodes and in their place are the tried and true 'tomato sauce' and 'BBQ sauce'. Organic free range eggs, you ask? 'They're eggs' is the implied response in the guise of an intimidating scowl from across the counter. And the bacon? Gloriously simple, probable bacon. 

I give myself over, bite by bite. I let it wash over me like a dolphin would the white crest of a wave. Indeed, this roll casts back to a time when the future was full of hope, to a utopia of chickens and pigs and humans and dolphins working together as one to bring civilisation into more enlightened times; to a golden age of palm trees and Epicurean delights. Though as I sit relishing in this reverie I wonder if I am being somewhat influenced by the picture that hangs proudly on the wall of this gastronomical oasis. 

I finish my roll and give a wave of thanks to the old lady behind the counter. She looks at me and returns to sweeping the floor with one eye on deal or no deal in the back room. In my heart i know she is touched by my acknowledgement. I pick myself off my seat and return to the harsh light of day, and I am reminded that the bacon and egg roll can only ever be a temporary reprieve.

In summary, given the low price point, ambience of the restaurant* and the fact it is only 2 hours and 55 minutes by train from Central you really would be doing yourself a disservice not to try one of these scrumptious egg and bacon** rolls.

CHANGE FROM A $10 $4.50 if bought with a can, $5.50 if not. that will get you pretty close to a ticket back to Sydney.

BACON SITUATION Was it? does it matter? Who am I to judge?

Bacon - 5/20 Egg - 5/20 Roll - 5/20 Vibe - 0/20 $$$ - 20.5/20

Total B&E score: 35.5/100

There’s something that sets the Town Bike Pitstop aside from other cafes and it’s not the fact that your table is actually a barrel, or that the ceiling is constructed almost entirely out of bicycles.  No.  It’s that the Town Bike Pitstop bacon and egg roll is packing two eggs!  TWO! The decision to double down on the yolk is nothing short of genius.  This particular egg double bill was a little over cooked, but what it lacked in egg quality it made up for with a vengeance in bacon quantity.   Unless you’re one of those wafer thin girls who eat egg white omelettes for breakfast, then I don’t know how you couldn’t be behind the double E. Frankly, I feel if there were a vote to make eggs all yolk, it would be a landslide victory.

Unfortunately, where this B&E fell short was that it was not so much a roll as two toasted slices of Turkish bread.  And as far as I’m concerned, unless it’s served with butter and jam, Turkish bread is a lunch bread.  So even though for a normal roll the bacon situation was great, on Turkish, it’s a different story.  You’d need to be packing at least 10 rashers to combat the carb cliff that is two slices of Turkish bread.

Now, I don’t know what they’re eating for breakfast over in Turkey, but if they’re looking to have a booming bacon and egg themed breakfast sandwich industry they better start brainstorming some different breads.

  CHANGE FROM A $10 A whole dollar! Which leaves enough change to buy a single can of John West no drain tuna chunks.  

BACON SITUATION When you take a cross section of the B&E and see that the bacon is stacked high almost to the point of compromising the integrity of the whole sandwich you know you’re in for a good time.

SPECIAL MENTIONS The Town Bike Pitstop sell, restore and build really cute bikes!

Bacon: 17/20 Egg: 14/20 Roll: 12/20 Vibe: 17/20 $$$: 16/20

Total B&E score: 75/100 

Kale and Egg Roll $8.50 + Bacon: $2.50, reads In The Annex’s menu. My mouth becomes dry; cold sweats begin to surface. Kale as the main ingredient and bacon as an extra? That’s the equivalent of Hoyts showing the movie “Robin” and making people pay extra if they want it to include Batman.

But as I eat this Forest Lodge cafe's B&E - or K&B&E - I find I’m very quickly also eating my words. The kale, which I assumed would be awkwardly hanging around outside the bacon and egg friend circle, actually fits in and gets along with everyone. And the bacon, being a particularly crispy number, is easily worth the extra coin.

The glue holding the whole thing together is a combination of two condiments: aioli and chilli relish. When mixed during consumption, they create an intriguing lava-esque colour. Each bite feels a bit like a volcanic eruption, and my fingers decide to make like Pompeii circa 79 AD and get buried in the stuff.

Luckily, a rather sweet roll is provided to further absorb some of the molten sauce. I’m not usually on board with sweet bread - as a general rule I like my bread how I like my diet coke: sugar-free - but, just as the kale worked, so does the roll.

I leave In The Annex stunned. Several miracles have taken place: I enjoyed kale, a sweet roll, and wasn’t annoyed about having to pay extra for bacon. It won’t be long till I’m back eating this K&B&E - and my words - again.

CHANGE FROM A $10 No change from a $10. Rather, you’ll have to pay an extra dollar. (Give a tip of $1 and you’ll have a loss total of $2.50, making you feel as if you visited an ATM not affiliated with your bank.)

BACON SITUATION Thoroughly decent. This bacon is like that friend you have who, while not standing out in any particularly special way, always makes you feel glad you caught up with them.

SPECIAL MENTIONS In The Annex do an extra large pot of Chai - my personal favourite B&E beverage match - which is ideal to share with your breakfast companion. (Also, the pot is a nice one, so make sure you’ve removed the molten sauce from your fingers before touching it - don't be a grub and provide your parents with yet another reason to be disappointed in you.)

Bacon: 18/20 Egg: 17/20 Roll: 16/20 Vibe: 19/20 $$$: 14/20

Total B&E score: 84/100

Three Williams in Redfern with it’s polished wood, exposed copper pipes and expensive lighting fixtures, is everything you want your future adult loft apartment to be and more. It’s trendy, so trendy in fact that on the menu the B&E isn’t even called a Bacon and Egg roll but rather, ‘The Merchant’. I must admit that before sampling this breakfast concoction my only experience with any Merchant was in Shakespearean studies, so I was nervous.

This particular Merchant is comprised of bacon, chili egg, and the curious additions of pickled slaw and ranch dressing, served on a toasted brioche bun.

To quote Shakespeare, “If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you put pickled slaw on a B&E do you not expect slaw-themed backlash?"

The slaw was a major curve ball, there was a dickload of it on the roll, so the whole salt/sweet flavour balance of the B&E was off.   I guess the real issue here is, I’m not a fan of slaw, I just don’t get it.  I mean, it’s coleslaw right? At what point did we decide to universally drop the cole and start calling it slaw? I never jumped on the slaw bandwagon, but due to it’s inexplicable popularity I am forced to accept it’s invasion into every $10 lunch specials menu in Sydney, but I draw the line at breakfast.

In conclusion, the B&E was good, but it was trying to tick too many of those Good Food Guide trend boxes, the only think missing was pink Himalayan Rock salt.  It wasn’t so much a bacon and egg roll as a slider in disguise. What happened to a classic B&E with single sauce for less than $10? One of these days we’ll wake up and slaw won’t be cool anymore, and then what the hell will we eat?

CHANGE FROM A $10 Nope. I had nearly had to take out a B&E mortgage to pay for this puppy, $13. What the actual fuck. 

BACON SITUATION: Great bacon could have been a little crispier. There wasn’t enough in my opinion, definitely too much slaw not enough bacon (I can’t get over the slaw).

SPECIAL MENTIONS: The coffee is very good, and also everyone on staff is disarmingly attractive.   

Bacon: 16/20 Egg: 16/20 Roll: 14/20 Vibe: 17/20 $$$: 11/20

Total B&E score: 74/100

I've always had a difficult relationship with Cafe Guilia in Chippendale. Whenever I meet someone new and reveal that I live on Abercrombie Street they invariably say something like: "Oh my god, you live so close to Guila's! You know that's my favourite breakfast place? I bet you go there all the time!” To which I reply that, yes Guilia’s is actually only 150 steps from my bed, but no, I don't go all the time… in fact I don’t go there at all.  See, Cafe Guilia is the café I want to love, but I've been there three times now, and on all three occasions I've felt terrible for at least four hours after eating.  There’s something about the butter/cheese combo present in most menu items that leaves me feeling like someone’s taken a shit in my stomach.  But, recently I decided to give Guilia's one more chance in order to size up the B&E as I’ve heard some pretty convincing reviews.

Cafe Guilia boasts an extraordinarily large bacon and egg roll, comprised of a huge amount of bacon in varying degrees of crispiness, a giant well-cooked fried egg draped over all sides of a soft ever so slightly chewy roll, the wildcard in this puppy is the melted cheese that coats the top bun, and for an extra 50c you can opt in for tomato relish, which tastes like spicy Christmas - I'll let you make up your mind about how you feel paying an extra 50c just for the necessary bun moisture that most cafés provide free of charge. The contents of said roll are akin to a beautiful meat-themed train wreck, once it arrived at the table, I spent some time refashioning the roll so that I didn’t lose some wayward bacon rashers onto my plate.  Now I don't mind the losing some contents of a B&E, but when you're paying 50c just for sauce, you've got to be careful.  

In the end, I rated the Cafe Guilia B&E highly. It’s far from light, but as I was eating it, I really thought it was delicious, it was only once my plate was collected, that I was left with that familiar horrible weight sitting sluggishly in my stomach that didn’t budge for six hours. The Cafe Guilia bacon and egg roll is best suited to someone who has a slightly stronger stomach than myself, or failing that, someone who doesn’t mind writing off the next six hours to writhe around in bed.  

Change from a $10 The B&E costs $8.90, which is pretty steep.  For an extra 50c you can get spicy tomato relish or chilli jam, coming to a grand total of $9.40.  Which leaves enough change for a curly wurly.  

Bacon Situation:   There was a shit-tonne of bacon on the roll; some pieces are cooked until crisp others just caramelized which is a thoroughly satisfying combo.

Special Mentions: There’s a cute outside courtyard, which is nice when it’s warm (I should know as I can see it from my house) and someone on staff at Cafe Gulia has cool music taste as there is always something good playing in the kitchen. 

Bacon - 18/20 Egg - 14/20 Roll - 17/20 Vibe - 10/20 $$$ - 15.5/20

Total B&E Score - 74.5/100

The bacon and egg roll on offer at Deus cafe is a rather tame, disciplined affair - surprising given the Camperdown Cafe, as part of the motorcycle company Deus Ex Machina, has a strong rebel vibe.

Layers of bacon are politely stacked on top of each other, as if waiting patiently in an orderly queue for my mouth. And, unlike the Runcible Spoon B&E, the rashers do their best to stay within the bounds of their sourdough masters.

Things do get a bit disorderly with the Deus B&E once you actually dig in, though. Thanks to an egg cooked to just-about-to-bust, my first bite triggers a yolk-tsunami that drowns everything in its path: bacon, sourdough, even cutlery. At one point things get so gnarly I think I might suffer from the dreaded B&E chin.* Nevertheless, consumption continues at a cracking pace and I do manage to escape unscathed.

For a lesser roll I might not have risked B&E chin, but Deus’ one is worth it. The ultimate B&E compliment, really.

Change from a $10 $1.50. Leaving you enough change for one mixed lolly bag from a rural petrol station.

Bacon Situation Not truly charred, but there is a nice even caramelisation going on that should tick more than enough bacon boxes for any reasonable customer.

Special Mentions *B&E chin: A B&E-related injury that involves bacon and egg roll debris (yolk, relish, etc.) becoming stuck on one’s chin.

Bacon: 17/20 Egg: 14/20 Roll: 16/20 Vibe: 15/20 $$$: 16.5/20

There’s lots of things in life I’m not sure about: iOS 7, jazz-fusion, Charlie Kaufman’s “Synecdoche, New York”. But occasionally, there is something in life I’m sure about, and at the moment I’m sure that Runcible Spoon’s Bacon and Egg roll is one of the best in Sydney.

With seriously charred bacon, perfectly runny egg and sourdough of that not-too-soft, not-too-chewy, just-right-consistency, the RS B&E is kicking goals all over the park.

The only bone I can pick, if I have to pick a bone (and I do because I’m writing a review and that’s what reviewers do) is that it’s not exactly structurally sound. Throughout consumption I could practically hear the B&E screaming, “It’s not going to hold!” As its delicious contents began spilling outside of the confines of the roll.

So be prepared - by breakfast’s end your plate is going to be scattered with various bacon and egg rubble. But good news, there’s another thing in life I’m sure about: bacon and egg rubble is the best kind of rubble to have to clean up.

Change from a $10 $2.00. Enough for you to give Aloe Blacc a dollar when he sings about needing one, as well as one extra dollar because - you gotta hand it to the guy - it’s quite a nice song.

Bacon Situation When it comes to bacon, Runcible Spoon are in a league of their own. Kids at home who want to grow up to be an elite bacon chef, I encourage you to watch and learn from Runcible Spoon.

Special Mentions If you don’t like Bacon and Egg rolls Runcible Spoon also have a Spinach and Egg roll. (P.S. If you don’t like Bacon and Egg rolls, why are you reading a blog dedicated to Bacon and Egg rolls? I don’t want to sound judgemental or anything, I just think you might be making some seriously ill-informed blog choices.)

Bacon: 20/20 Egg: 18/20 Roll: 18.5/20 Vibe: 19.5/20 $$$: 17/20

Total B&E score: 93/100