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this is a rather personal piece; it's primarily based on my own struggles

It probably could've been executed better (like having more of the interaction she's agonizing over), but I really wanted to focus on that visceral reaction of shame, guilt, and self-criticism

here's a long ramble I wrote while starting this ...

I realize, perhaps much of the reason certain depictions of moon trigger me so much is due to my own overwhelming shame and guilt. It's a defense mechanism crafted because I yet lack the strength to accept myself. I suppose that's why characters like Five Pebbles are so appealing to me — he is someone I've given the room to express his faults, his flaws, his hatred, his despair, his pain, and all his imperfections... For him to be mean or angry is natural and expected, so it's not as scary to express my negative feelings with him as the instrument. He's not a "good person", after all, so it's fine if he is "bad." His standards aren't as high.

Conversely, because I idealize LTTM so much and connect her to myself, I deny her the same things I deny myself. I do it without even thinking, really...

I've often thought, "but this sort of emotion doesn't really suit her... isn't this sort of projection too self-indulgent? If I made this, it'd be too obvious that my own emotions are bleeding through onto the canvas..."

So, I wonder if she's experienced that same sort of emotional repression. It'd be cathartic, in an unfortunate way. To see someone else struggle to grapple with such things, because they want to be pure and virtuous and not upset others...

It's harder when you spend so much time shaping that perfect, faultless, virtuous sort of image, especially when you do it reflexively. Unconsciously. You're making the pressure for yourself worse, but you can't stop... I'm actually not a very friendly person. I'm actually quite afraid and irritable, and I push people away when they get too close. I don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want anyone to hate me... I don't want to cause suffering or strife. Sometimes, I wish I could just be a completely passive observer.

My own situation is a bit long; but to summarize, back in May of 2023, I attempted to run away due to my father's constant verbal abuse and threats to cut me off from my job. However, my friend could no longer support housing me, and I was sent back to my family in September; this time, without a room of my own.

I have no privacy, am only allowed to occupy the corner of the living room, and don't feel safe to leave my bed as it is the closest thing I have to a room. My father is openly hostile most of the time, and it's draining.

My partner, Evren, is not comfortable sharing much of their experience for safety reasons, but the abuse they face has been lifelong and incredibly severe. They are under so much constant stress that is has been causing them disabling pain; they are in desperate need of escape.

My friend, Avery, lost everything in a flood back in July of 2023. While their situation was already awful, with their family often getting into arguments, the stress that the flood brought has only amplified this constant conflict.

They have been under constant stress since, and haven't had a moment to themself. It's incredibly difficult for them to keep dealing with the toxicity and neglect, and they need to get out.

Thank you for reading this far, I appreciate every bit of help :,)