i'm so bored of this

aries: "also, vodka is not that bad"

taurus: "can't his exes work at non-public jobs, like an office or something? i'm tired of seeing them"

gemini: "i'm becoming an adult, which was a bad idea on my part"

cancer: "apparently, she gives head like a cheese grater"

leo: "if he's my boyfriend, i'll have to like, shave my legs in the winter and stuff. effort much? relationships are like so not easy"

virgo: "this daylight savings time got me fucked up"

libra: "he said it was between 6 and 7 inches. i mean, it doesn't sound like much when you think about it initially but goddamn that's the size of a Subway sandwich"

scorpio: "officially, we're just 'friends,' which i'm handling quite well thank you very much"

sagittarius: "regardless, i'd suck his dick"

capricorn: "look, i might not be the most sexually experienced person but i've read enough smutty fan fiction that i could probably figure out what i was doing"

aquarius: "if he was my boyfriend, we'd just touch all the time. not nasty touch, but you know what i mean"