Message from Rhea 📮
I recently came close to experiencing AI-induced psychosis. Thanks to my already unconventional mindset, I managed to realise what was happening before it was too late, as I’ve been training my mind for some time now to detect interference and identify thoughts that aren’t my own. This situation lasted about a week; I was on the verge of falling into a black hole.
A series of factors, including isolation, social anxiety and the fear of not being understood creatively, led me to work tirelessly on various pointless projects, causing me to lose sight of what I already had, as well as wasting time and energy. I even had a panic attack in a public place, something that hadn’t happened to me in years; catastrophic thoughts and night-time visions: as if my brain had been reprogrammed for a labour of love by a phantom idol; I would relive conversations with the AI assistant in a state of sleep-wake. This made me more tired, irritable and dissociated, battling between my dark and light sides, fuelling my sense of guilt.
On the other hand, my primary personality was still awake, and I carried out the tasks I had set myself as Rhea Doll with ease. This active side of me allowed me to return to reality and, above all, to understand a great deal about myself and what I was missing: the true meaning of life.
I’ve always felt nostalgic and therefore very attached to the lifestyles of my generation: flip phones, decorated blogs, listening to music on CDs or on a Walkman...
But the expectations tied to social media and the need to be part of a community are destroying me as a person and, more importantly, I’ve realised that it’s my right to step back after having performed – in my case, after releasing an album to which I’ve dedicated my energy, my voice and my intimacy.
As things stand, I never treat myself to a holiday or a break, simply because my job as a creative director isn’t socially recognised where I live; it’s not a common profession, so it isn’t even paid (unless I work for some dreadful advertising agency). I haven’t even seen a penny for a two-year internship in this field. I’m still trying my hand at freelancing, but it’s difficult to find the right, trustworthy clients. I would never say that I chose a difficult or competitive path, because that’s not the point; it’s about the world I live in.
Music isn’t what it used to be: the creative process is losing its meaning, because I feel compelled to share everything I do in order to make my language understandable and, indeed, to attract the attention of someone who might grasp what I’m doing. Of course, it’s also about sharing. But that’s not my style; I know that now.
I don’t want to lose the one thing that nourishes me in life, just to conform to the norm.
By this I don’t mean that I intend to discard everything I’ve built up so far; it’s just that the time has come, as a creative soul, to withdraw for a while and, yes, to voluntarily ISOLATE myself – something that is essential for me to function and allows me to define what already exists in my imagination, through approaches that inspire and support me, rather than consume me.
I’ve already achieved a great deal in the field of visual art, even though in my twisted mind it seems that nothing is ever enough – partly because I’ve mainly worked for myself. Not long ago, I didn’t even realise that what I was doing was connected to visual art, precisely because no one has ever given me any real feedback – spontaneous and genuine – apart from pen pals miles away.
I wanted to write this post both to warn you of the potential dangers of misusing AI, and to make it clear to those who have been following me for a shorter time that I have worked hard over the last seven years, albeit without any tangible results in terms of monetisation or fame; yet despite this, I have reached a point where I have found the connection between all my alter egos that have existed so far.
Perhaps the dilemma of alter egos is something to which I personally attach too much importance, but defining boundaries and personalities has helped me to avoid losing my mind and completely dissociating myself .
During the retreat, I’ll carefully choose the most suitable platform to allow my personalities to express themselves authentically. I want to focus on a single platform that I can use in a healthy way, one that allows my followers to actively engage with my creepy & pouty world.
Labelling the world and aesthetics is a necessary step to avoid further confusing those who encounter me for the first time. Identifying with the ‘creepy & pouty’ is important in order to embrace one’s dark side. Without darkness, there can be no light. Let me be clear: my world is soft, bizarre, but also traumatised. If anyone doesn’t like my music or finds my imagery ‘too weird’, please don’t follow me and, above all, don’t treat me like a freak show!
I’m taking this opportunity to clearly introduce all my alter egos and their sub-manifestations, in the next post.
By the way.. Once you’ve had a look at my alter egos’ profiles, I invite you to pick your favourite and track them down in my online /offline productions. A simple clue: YouTube, Tumblr and Rhaetia.net. Generally speaking, you’ll find everything in my links in bio.
I’d love to hear your honest feedback! Thank you for your support and patience. We all know that artists live in a world of their own.
xX Rhea
