Babydoll372

Cassie’s been counting the days since you last spoke, so far it’s been eleven. Her son was that age, and yet somehow those eleven years felt shorter than these days. You texted her three times, and she hadn’t answered one – she only stared at the graduation photo you sent in your white coat, a large grin on your face, with a ‘thinking of you today’ text that made her heart ache. She only hearted the image.

You, on the other hand, had spent your days crying in the arms of your friends, who you felt horrible bothering during graduation, considering this was the moment you’ve spent close to a decade dreaming of. How could you let Cassie ruin it for you? So you kept that smile on your face when your family flew down to watch, and wiped your mother’s tears as if you weren’t keeping in your own. You had hoped Cassie would at least respond, but the ignorance hurt more than you could form into words.

You flew back into Pittsburg last night, and when Cassie saw Dana back from her vacation, she knew that meant you were here too. She had been hovering over your contact for awhile, remembering how she blamed you for something she did – falling in love with you. But it had been such a short amount of time, and you were so young, she didn’t want to believe she was truly in love with you, that would just make everything harder.

“Dana, back so soon? How was Boston?” Cassie asked as she approached the blonde, who smiled in memory of the three days her and her family had spent in a cramped Boston hotel near your college. You all had gone around the city to shop and explore one last time since you graduated, and it had been the only moment of peace in at least a year for the nurse.

“Oh, it was wonderful. My girl is officially a doctor now, can you believe that?” Cassie nodded, swallowing the lump in her throat. Oh, how badly she wanted to congratulate you, to tell you she was proud of the woman she loved.

“It’s crazy, but I’m happy for her.” She paused, her eyes darkening in guilt. “Hey, uhm, can you tell her I said congrats? I’d love to send her a gift but I’m not sure she knows me well enough.” That was partly true. You knew nothing about Cassie, other than what her fingers felt like, what her laugh sounded like, what her real smile looked like, and all of the tiny details she gave about her life. She thought it was best that way, for neither of you to get too attached, but the thought of holding you again made her heart skip a beat.

“Why don’t you come to the graduation party? Y/N said we don’t need one since this’ll be her third, but Benji and I insisted. It’s this Sunday!” That was soon, too soon. Exactly four days away, and she still hadn’t even bothered to reach out. You would probably be mad seeing her, and she’d ruin your entire party, she couldn’t do that to you. She was hurting you enough now, how would you feel if she were to add on to that stress?

“I’ll think about it.”

–

Cassie did in fact think about it, it was all she could think about. But on Sunday, she nervously tucked the card into the gift bag she brought and carried herself past the cars parked outside of Dana’s home. She had been here exactly one time for a barbeque, one she knew you couldn’t have attended or else she would’ve remembered that beautiful face.

“Cassie! You made it!” She heard Benji’s voice, and he quickly came over to shake her hand. He had greying hair and some wrinkles here and there, but he was an overall tall and skinny man that looked like the average dad wearing khaki shorts and an American flag button up with the top two undone. She grinned and shook his hand firmly despite her sweaty palms, and followed him inside. There, she saw beautiful decorations, all surrounding you. By the front door was a photo wall from when you were a baby to now, joined by your high school gown, college gown, and white coat. She brushed her fingers over them, as if imagining your body in it. God, how she misses holding that sweet, perfect body that molded into her hands like clay.

Staring at the baby photos of you made her chuckle quietly to herself, yet her shoulders carried her guilt. She was in love with Dana’s daughter…this amazing woman, a coworker to her for entire residency, had given birth to you twenty-five years ago, and probably still saw you as her little girl like she still saw Harrison as her little boy, and she had taken advantage of her. Mostly, she had hurt her.

“Ah, Cassie! It’s great to see you, especially out of those scrubs! Y/N’s in the kitchen, I’ll go grab her.”

“Oh, no, you- you don’t have to, she’s probably busy–” Dana brushed her off with a wave of her hand, walking away while still speaking.

“Nonesense! She’ll want to meet you!” Cassie shrunk into herself, fiddling nervously with the gift bag she had in hand, and looking down at her outfit. She wore a simple pair of sweatpants and a tank top with tainted shoes. It wasn’t quite fitting for a celebration, especially since she saw others in dresses and formal clothing, but she remembered sending you a photo of her outfit over a month ago, wearing this exact set, and you continuing to bring up how sexy she looked for days.

When she saw you, it felt like whiplash. Her eyes widened as they met yours, and she caught the slight pause in your step. Despite that, you offered a small, kind smile and brushed the hair behind your ear before shaking her hand as your mother introduced you two as if you never met. Because to her, you two didn’t know each other, but to you both, you shared a history too difficult to put into words.

“Nice to meet you Doctor McKay.”

“Please, call me Cassie.” You nodded, and she sighed quietly, watching as your mother left to greet another guest. The two of you both glanced around the room before she took a careful, yet nervous, step forward.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what exactly?” You quipped back, crossing your arms over your chest as you kept your gaze off of her, because you knew it would make those horrible nights full of tears return. She swallowed, her eyes betraying her mind as she stared at your chest, now pushed up from your arms. She still remembers the exact shade of your perky, hard nipples when they were coated in her saliva.

“For-...for ghosting you, for yelling at you.” You scoffed quietly at her words.

“You told my mom to wish me congrats…you couldn’t even text me yourself? Tell me, if it wasn’t for her telling you about this party, would we have spoken again? Or would you just forget me like it was nothing?” She opened her mouth to respond, but she couldn’t think of a response. She let out a low breath and glanced around again, nervous that anyone could pick up on their conversation. This time, she spoke even quieter.

“I’m sorry for hurting you. It was never my intention.” There was a long pause, and she could see the tears welling in your eyes.

“I just don’t understand why you’re so ashamed of us…of me. Yeah, our situation isn’t ideal, but we could’ve worked it out.” Her chest ached at the sight of you, at the sound of your wavering voice. She glanced at the photos still beside her, the ones where you were smiling brightly, and looked back at you. It suddenly hit her all over again – she was the one diminishing that beautiful grin, she was the one with the worst impact on your life, even though you thought the world of her.

“Can we go somewhere private, Y/N?”

Moments later, she sat on the edge of your bed where you spent teen years studying and giggling with friends, all while she was struggling to figure out what to do with her life.

“It’s beautiful in here. The photos…they’re quite the addition.” She pointed to the wall of pictures you had with your family and friends, and in each one, there was the smile yet again.

“Thanks.” It was quiet again, before she slowly grabbed your hand in hers, and squeezed it.

“You don’t realize how much you mean to me. You…you’re unlike anyone I’ve ever met.” She put the gift down to cup your cheek, making you look at her directly as your faces stood mere inches apart.

“Then why are you embarrassed of that?”

“It’s not you I’m embarrassed of, it’s me. This has nothing to do with you, baby.” A tear rolled down your cheek, and she wiped it away carefully. Swallowing, she tried to find the right words to say to mend this. “I…it hurts how much I– I care for you. When I didn’t text you, it wasn’t because you weren’t on my mind, it’s because I couldn’t think of anything but you. On my wedding day, I didn’t stumble over a vow, I didn’t cry during it, I didn’t even struggle saying ‘I do’ even if I didn’t mean it. But with you…God, I can’t think right.”

She watched a tiny smile form on your lips, encouraging her to continue. Your hand held hers just as firmly as hers did yours, and she knew this was her best chance at resolving this.

“You’re all that’s on my mind, I feel empty without you. This past week was…it was the longest week of my life. But there’s so many flaws in me, there’s so many things to look at and feel ashamed of. I’m…I’m scared of being with you because I am scared of how you’ll see me, how you’ll see the parts of me I hide.”

She sniffled, and before you could think, you were cupping both of her cheeks in your hands, guiding her eyes to bore into yours. They were soft, delicate, and you stared back with the same intensity.

“We all have flaws, Cassie, but when I look at you, I don’t see a single one. And, yeah, maybe later on I’ll get a little annoyed with your snoring, but why would I prioritize that over all the good in you? Cass, I– I…I love you. And I don’t think that will change, whether you like it or not.” Her eyes widened at your words, and you could see the way her breath hitched. She nodded slowly, her lips clasping together to hide the sheer adoration she felt.

“I love you too, Y/N. So fucking much.” The words barely left her before her mouth was on yours, her tongue softly gliding across your lip for access. You moaned quietly and leaned into it, your hands searching her body to feel her warmth. Even in the cool room, she felt warm, soft. Your legs came to wrap around her thighs as you settled yourself on her lap, your lips only parting when you two couldn’t breathe anymore. Her hands were cupping your ass with passion rather than desire.

“I want to take my time with you, to make love to you. But we can’t do that here.” You nodded to her words slowly with a tiny frown, coming to give her tiny pecks on her lips until you rested your head on her shoulder with a tiny sigh.

“I know. I’ve just missed you, Cass.” She smiled at that, nodding and brushing your hair softly until you leaned back to look at the gift bag she brought.

“What’d you get me?”

“Uh, it’s– it’s nothing really…” You rolled your eyes and grabbed it, pulling out a card and a small box. You opened the box first with a gasp, your gaze landing on a beautiful necklace with your initial carved into it. She awkwardly rubbed the back of her neck.

“Yeah, I found it at the store…It’s nothing special.”

“Nothing special? Baby, this is gorgeous! Thank you!” You pecked her lips softly before getting the card, softly undoing the packaging before opening it. A polaroid of you two sat at the bottom, attached to the card with a simple paper clip. You remember dragging her back to your dorm just to grab your polaroid camera and take a photo of you two. She was holding you from behind, kissing your cheek with a laugh as you smiled brightly, your eyes full of excitement and the joy she had been hoping to incite in you since the first day. You read her sweet message of congratulations, and how she wished you all the best for your future with a speech about her ever-growing feelings for you.

“Oh Cass…this is so sweet.” You ran your finger along the photo with a soft smile before standing and walking towards the mirror you used every morning and night to get ready, and you locked it into the wood holding the glass together. Before you could truly admire it any more, there was a knock on your door and your sister was rushing you out for food. You glanced at Cassie and took her hand, guiding her out of the room.

“You look sexy, by the way. You wearing that is a gift in itself.” You whispered to her as you walked down the hall, and she let out a soft chuckle that drew redness to your cheeks.

Maybe this wasn’t too bad after all…maybe the consequences, the fear, the guilt, was all worth it.

—

The Emergency Department was quieter than usual today. The workers did not want to jinx it, but it was more peaceful than most shifts, so it gave Cassie the time to text her new friend when she wasn’t worried about making sure her patients were still breathing.

Cass <3: ‘Hey :) I’m thinking about you a lot today, maybe we can call on my ride home?’

Your phone dinged as you sat in the dining hall with two of your friends. Today was one of the only days you didn’t have clinical rotations during schooling, and you were not going to let it go to waste. You spent most of your day with your roommates, walking around the city and enjoying the bright sun that had recently been in and out. Now, you three were eating the lunch your school provided while reviewing study materials.

You grabbed your phone and hid your grin, typing back a reply that you debated in your head for longer than you would like to admit.

y/n: “hi! that sounds like fun, call me when you get out!’

Your friend cleared her throat and wiggled her brows at you, making you roll your eyes playfully. The other sat beside you and lightly nudged your shoulder with a smirk.

“Is this the doctor from the conference?” You scoffed, clearly no anger in your tone as your bright red cheeks betrayed you.

“How do you know I’m not replying to an email?” Both of them shared a look, and the one beside you, who you have known since Freshman year of undergraduate school, finished swallowing her sip of a strawberry smoothie before replying.

“Who the hell smiles that much responding to an email? Besides, you practically throw up every time a doctor asks for your opinion on clinical, I know you wouldn’t smile from an email from them.”

“Okay, fine! She said she’s thinking of me at work and that she wants to call on her way home. This is what I said.” You showed the phone, biting your lip nervously as the two of them read it. The girl across from you, who became your roommate last year, dramatically gasped out loud, making your eyes widen in fear.

“What? Did she send something?”

“No, no! It’s just-...Y/N, you are so fucking dry.” You paused, furrowing your brows before aggressively taking your phone back, biting your nail anxiously as you reread the words.

“No I’m not! What else am I meant to say?”

“Anything besides, ‘that sounds like fun!’. You need to show her that you actually want it, and not just because she mentioned it.” A sigh came from your lips and you shrugged, watching the three dots come and go. Cassie on the other end looked exactly like you right now, anxiously biting her lip as she wrote and deleted the same few words over and over. Eventually, she pressed send and closed her phone, promising herself that she would check on her patients once again before looking at it.

Cass <3: ‘Great!’

Cass <3: ‘So, what are you up to?’

The girl beside you leaned over, her laptop turning dark as she completely forgot about the practice exam she was about to take.

“Say something like, ‘I’m hanging out with some friends, thinking about you.’”

“What? Dude, that’s so boring!” The woman across from you two exclaimed. She put her drink down and took out her sole airpod, clearly more focused on this topic now. “Here, let me see it.” You sighed as she began typing, watching her grin at her own ideas before handing it back to you. Luckily, she didn’t send it yet, and it sat waiting for your approval.

y/n: ‘I didn’t have clinicals today so I’m studying with some friends. I miss you though :( what’s your day looking like?’

“Really? This is what you think is good? Mine looks like gold compared to this!” You held up your hand to quiet the two women, deleting her response and letting out a breath.

“I think it’s better if it comes from me. She likes me, not you guys. No offense.”

y/n: “just hanging out with my friends! I had the day off today luckily.’

y/n: ‘everywhere I go makes me think of you though. saw the hotel today and wanted to text you, but i knew you were probably busy.’

Cass <3: ‘You can always text me, Y/N. It hasn’t been crazy today, so I would’ve loved to hear from you.’

Trinity looked up from the endless amount of charting she was forced to finish, a singular eyebrow raising as she watched the older woman typing excitedly on her phone. She usually said when it was Harrison, and her smile was never this big. No offense to Harrison, but he was mostly sending her memes she didn’t understand throughout the day or asking where his basketball jersey was.

“Who are you texting?” Cassie jumped slightly and saw the doctor's sly smirk slowly forming as she completely forgot about the assignment at hand, now focusing on the mysterious person on the other end of the phone.

“Uh, no one. Just a, uhm, person I met in Boston.”

“As in, like, met and fucked, or met and share work complaints with?” Cassie’s eyes widened at the blunt words and glanced around quickly to make sure no one heard Trinity’s accusation. Then, she sat down next to her and pulled the chair closer.

“I probably shouldn’t be telling you about this,”

“But you want to.”

“I do.” She paused, a small smile taking over her face at the thought of you. “Uh, I met this amazing, smart, beautiful woman-”

“Hold on, you like women?” Trinity paused in disbelief, suddenly much more invested in this story than before.

“I guess so. I mean, I was married to Chad for years, but before then I experimented a little. But when I tell you I have never met someone like this, I mean it. We talked for so many hours and I…well, I took her back to the hotel, and we had sex.”

“Okay, was it good?” Trinity didn’t even need a worded response, the look of absolute heaven and bliss on Cassie’s face was enough to tell the answer.

“It was the best night of my life. We even ended up spending the next day together, and she took me to the airport. She’s genuinely the best thing that has happened to me since Harrison.”

“Jesus, you’re moving fast.” Trinity scoffed, her relationship, or lack of, with Yolanda was much the opposite. Casual sex and ramen on occasion was a lot different than what you two shared, and how she spoke about Yolanda was nowhere near how Cassie spoke about you.

“I know, I know. I probably should relax, but there’s something different, you know?”

“It’s probably because she is a she. That makes a load of a difference.”

“Yeah, probably. But, uhm, there’s just one thing that’s really holding me back.” Cassie struggled to get out. Clearly she had been wanting to say this to someone, yet she didn’t want the judgement that came with it. And, honestly, who could she go to? Her son was an immediate no, her few friends were in mom groups and happily married, and she didn’t feel like telling her elderly parents about the woman she met and slept with on the first night of knowing one another. “She’s twenty-five. And I haven’t told her about my son yet. Not to mention she lives in Boston right now, but she is from here so that’s a plus. God, I’m horrible, aren’t I?”

She watched Trinity’s eyes nearly pop out of her head and immediately regretted her confession. She groaned, covering her head with her hands while Trinity was at a loss for words.

“You’re joking…she’s eighteen years younger than you? Oh my god! Cassie, I-” She was laughing in shock, and slight enjoyment at the embarrassment Cassie had written on her face. She glanced around for the nearest person she actually didn’t hate, and her eyes landed on the sweet yet anxious resident.

“Samira! Come here.”

–

It didn’t take long for Samira to hear the entire explanation, and despite the two saying they wouldn’t repeat the confession, Victoria and Dennis heard about it in the last hour of the shift, and then Baran had overheard it from a joke Trinity threw at Cassie. The reaction wasn’t necessarily judgment, but more so shock at the complete change in the more quiet, kind doctor who felt out of place for her age amongst her coworkers.

y/n: ‘how’s working going? my roommates are out with their boyfriends, so I’ll be all alone when you call.’

The lustful undertones in your text was the first thing Cassie picked up on, and she began gathering her belongings from the locker in front of her while typing a response.

Cass <3: ‘Oh yeah? I’m headed to my car now, give me a few hun’

The doctor jumped at the sound of a locker closing and glanced over to see Dana putting on a sweater while now eyeing the other woman in the room.

“You’ve been on your phone a lot these past few shifts, huh? You got someone distracting you?” Cassie chuckled awkwardly, scratching the back of her neck after she placed the bag over her shoulder.

“Uhm…you could say so, yeah. I met someone on my trip.”

“The one with Harrison?”

“No, that one is in a few months. Did I tell you? I went to Boston for one of those medical conferences, thought I’d get some inspiration.” The blonde’s eyebrows rose in an ounce of shock and empathetic excitement. She leaned against her locker with her arms crossed over her chest, a teasing grin on her face.

“No way? You know, my daughter actually goes to school in Boston. I wish I knew, I would’ve told her to give you a tour of the city - it’s beautiful.” As nice as Cassie was trying to be, she was desperate to get out of that damn cramped, dim and depressing room so she could call you and take advantage of your temporary loneliness.

“Oh yeah? What is she studying?”

“Medicine. She’s at Tufts, my smart girl.” Cassie paused at that, her breath hitching as her mind went to you instantly. You went to Tufts, you were studying medicine, and you were from here too.

“What’s- what’s her name?” Dana happily grabbed her phone, steadying her glasses over her eyes and pulling up a photo of you smiling widely in scrubs next to your friends. She pointed you out, causing Cassie to gulp at the realization.

“Y/N. My Benji named the twins, and I named her.”

“She’s- she’s definitely gorgeous, yeah. Uhm, if you’ll excuse me, I- I should probably get going.” She murmured a quiet goodbye before rushing out, watching your name as the phone rang. The picture of you smiling across from her at the bar she took you to before leaving the city, the faint hickey still remaining on your neck, shot a sense of guilt through her. Despite her desires, and the genuine love that she knew was forming, even if she was hesitant to tell you.

“Hey Cass! How was work?” She sighed, leaning back against the car seat with her hand tightly gripping the wheel to ease her impeccable need for you.

“I never asked you about your family.” On the other end, you furrowed your brows in confusion, a tiny, awkward smile on your lips. You played with the end of your hair, your thighs rubbing together at the sound of her slightly uneven breathing. The last time you heard her sound like this was when she was on top of you weeks ago, her fingers threading through your walls like it was filled with familiarity, as if she was keepsaking your heart more than anything else.

“What do you mean, baby? I told you about them.”

“You told me you had sisters, and your parents are married. And that you want me to meet them. You didn’t tell me your mom is Dana fucking Evans, Y/N.” The blush in your cheeks drained, and you sat up instantly on your cramped, uncomfortable bed where you spent your nights thinking about Cassie lying next to you.

“How did you-”

“She’s my coworker! Fuck, this is so bad, baby. I’m horrible.”

“You work at PTMC? Why did I think you said something else?” You spoke quietly to yourself before registering how deeply guilty and upset she felt. You couldn’t blame her, you probably would feel just as bad, if not worse, if you were switched. “You’re not horrible, Cassie. It’s just a coincidence, it– it’s not like you knew! And it’s my fault too–”

“No, this isn’t your fault, I’m the one who willingly decided to fuck around with a damn child.”

Your lip quivered at her harshness. She didn’t mean for it to be so hurtful, but how could you not take it that way? Yes, she was the older, more socially mature one, but you are a smart woman who is going to be labeled a doctor in a short time, and she still treated you like you had no idea what you were doing.

“Stop saying that, Cass…You know I’m not a fucking kid and I hate when you act like I am.” She sighed at the sound of your voice, rubbing a hand over her tired eyes. You sounded so upset, so disappointed, all because of her. She glanced at the photo of Harrison she had in her car, remembering the secret she had been keeping from you in fear of losing you. It was selfish, she knew that, and she felt a pit in her stomach every time she had to make an excuse not to call because she was with him, or when she would text late and could imagine you waiting impatiently for her text until you eventually gave up to sleep. But it was yet another reminder of the difference between you two: you had a future planned as a doctor, had roommates you traveled the city with, a loving family back in Pittsburg, and a young, bubbly personality. Cassie on the other hand was a mom (without you even knowing), a resident still unsure if she was going to choose a fellowship or not, and a 43-year-old with a divorce in her books. If your mom knew about her infatuation with you, she would never look at her the same.

“I know you aren’t. Alright? But how do you expect me to feel? I- I feel so…little next to you! I’m nearly fifty and I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing with my life, and you? You have everything planned out, handed to you, and see the world like it’s some perfect, hopeful thing!” Her frustrations were coming out over the phone. Not just from this situation, but also from the amount of long shifts she’s had this week, which you didn’t deserve to have passed on down to you.

“I–...So what are you saying? Are you trying to– to end things?” It was silent for a moment, and she heard the quiet sniffle on your end as you wiped your cheeks. Her eyes clenched shut, her jaw tightening at the ultimatum presented to her currently. How was she meant to decide her future with you in the next few seconds when she felt more resentment towards herself than she had throughout the entire relationship.

“I don’t know. I love you…Like spending time with you, I mean. I– I love our talks and getting to know you, that’s what I mean. But…how can I not feel guilty for taking your innocence, in a way? You have so much ahead of you, I shouldn’t hold you back on that.”

You bit your lip to cover the quiet whimpers and pleas that wanted to leave your lips. You didn’t want to give her that, you didn’t think she deserved it, for pleasure or for pain, especially not right now.

“I think the problem here isn’t my age or my innocence, it’s how you feel about yourself on the topic. So, uhm, I’ll– I’ll give you time to think about it and you can just let me know what you decide, I guess. So…Goodnight Cassie.”

Before she could return the saying, you hung up. If you hadn’t, you probably would’ve found yourself still on the phone with her for the next few hours, and you had a lot more things to worry about than how she was. You cared, of course you did, but the only problem is that you care too much, and that’s how you ended up here.

Cassie felt a tear of her own roll down her cheek as she slowly pulled the phone away from her cheek. She cursed herself repeatedly, wiping her face dry and attempting to start her old car that had been on the verge of failing for probably longer than her marriage. It took a moment, but eventually it began to roar in the middle of the parking lot.