take a look at the stars!

The first time it happened was the three year anniversary of the fall of Wall Maria. It had been a hard day of training, especially since Commander Keith was feeling crankier than usual, the cadets’ somber mood not helping his case. Everything wrong happened at all the wrong times and y/n had just had enough. 

She snuck out that night, and to her surprise, she was met with a blonde haired boy looking to forget the world.

“You stole my spot,” y/n had announced, startling the boy. She took a seat next to him, her legs dangling at the edge. “Didn’t know anyone else came up here.”

That was the beginning. The beginning of late night talks, and shooting each other smiles from across the room, and glancing at each other when the other wasn’t looking. That was the beginning of Reiner and y/n. Friends. Just friends.

“Sometimes,” he muttered.

“Wanna know what I think?” y/n asked, her focus still on the night sky. “I think there are still people out there.”

Reiner pulled his gaze away from her as the familiar feeling of guilt started to bubble in his stomach. He was a coward, and a liar. He didn’t deserve y/n’s friendship, not when he knew exactly what was going to happen to her. Not when he was the one who caused her to lose her home, her family. It wasn’t fair. Not to him and definitely not to her.

“Somehow somewhere in a distant land far away, there’s another wall. And another and another and it goes on and on, and all of humanity is just hiding behind those walls. Too ignorant- or too scared- to realize that they’re not alone.”

She glanced up at Reiner, immediately being met with his hazel eyes. Even in the dark, they still shined so brightly. She sat up, subtly moving closer to the boy sat next to her.

“I mean, c’mon, you’re telling me that this whole planet is just absolutely covered in titans and then there’s us in our little walled off circle just chilling? No way,” y/n exclaimed, “there has to be someone out there. Anyone. You know?”

“Yeah,” Reiner chuckled, a soft smile appearing on his face, “I know.”

y/n pulled her legs to her chest, letting out a sigh as she observed the scenery before them. As dreary as it seemed, it was home. The dirty raggedness of the cliffs making shadows in the moonlight; the old wooden structures, musty yet warm; the rocky mountains in the distance, pulling y/n to want more, to need more. It was beautiful.

She was beautiful. As beautiful as ever. There was a slight pout on her face as her head rested on her knees, a sign of the gears turning in her brain. He liked that about her- the way she thought about things.

Reiner would sometimes imagine telling her his secret; imagine the look on her face, the words she would say. He always thought she would understand. That underneath all the anger and pain, she would still somehow understand. Because that’s who she was. She was compassionate and kind and everything a devil wasn’t. She wasn’t the monster- the disgrace- that Reiner had been taught about, she was y/n.

“I think everybody’s hiding behind a wall,” y/n continued, her voice soft. “They just can’t find a way out.”

And maybe they don’t want to.

Present Day ; a forest within the Walls

“If we do this, we’ll be leading our friends- our people- to their deaths,” y/n argued, “we’d be traitors.” The girl glared at Reiner as the last word slipped from her mouth, her venomous tone very obviously directed at the blonde. “Makes us no better than them,” she mumbled, prying her eyes away.

“I’m not gonna let Eren commit genocide. We have a responsibility to do something, and if we ignore that responsibility,” Hange said, “that’s what makes us no better than them.”

y/n clenched her jaw, her chest heaving up and down as she tried to straighten her thoughts. This was Eren they were talking about. The boy who used to share rations with her, who helped her with her nightmares, who stood by her through everything. Eren was their friend. And now they were planning on killing him.

Shaking her head, she looked at her friends for help, desperate to have someone on her side, but everyone had averted their gaze to avoid her pleading eyes. She wasn’t surprised, but for some reason her heart still ached. She knew she was wrong, hell she had no idea why she was defending Eren. He was the one who betrayed them, and even if he was trying to protect them, what he was doing was wrong. But she was just so tired.

Nine years. Nine years of her life being anything but normal. And it was all because of them- Reiner, Bertholdt, Annie. They flipped her world upside down when they destroyed those walls. She was sick of fighting and sacrificing and that constant horrible feeling in her gut that something bad was going to happen. She could only deal with so much loss.

She still remembers the way the light disappeared from Sasha’s eyes that night, the way her body fell limp on the floor, the never ending bleeding that just went on and on and on; how throughout the whole ride home, she was just cuddled up next to Mikasa with tears pouring down her face as they grieved for their friend. And every time she’s closed her eyes since then, all she could see was Sasha lying there bleeding out.

Dying. Dead.

She was haunted by the screams of her family as they were smothered by boulders, the wrenching sound of a person being eaten and torn alive, the deformed bodies of her comrades dismembered by hungry titans. She still remembers Erwin Smith’s sullen face as his guts spilled out of a gaping hole in his abdomen.

And she still remembers the boy on the rooftop, his hazel eyes sparkling in the moonlight. She had put so much trust in him, told him things that she never thought she would say out loud. And in a single moment, the man she thought she knew was just gone. Replaced by a traitor.

“This is ridiculous,” y/n muttered, taking a seat on a log.

“Oi, brat, you’re acting like a child,” Levi piped up from his position on the cart.

y/n scoffed, feeling her temper finally get the best of her. “Am I not one?” she exclaimed, “I’m 19, for God’s sake, but I guess we just live in a world where we send twelve year olds to fight a war for us. Kill count of five by the age of 15? Fuck that, Levi.”

Standing up, y/n stormed off towards the thick forest, her face overheating with anger.

“y/n-” Levi started, realizing how much he screwed up.

“Don’t,” Reiner interrupted.

Levi scowled under his bandages as he turned his focus to the blonde. Reiner’s face was stoic and his eyes were fixated on the fire in front of him. His tone had been demanding, as if he was threatening the older man, but his body language seemed cool and collected. It made Levi curious.

Unbelievable, he thought, four years and he still hasn’t lost feelings.

It’s not like it was a secret. As newly recruited Scouts, it seemed as if everyone in the regiment knew about Reiner and y/n’s little crush on each other. Well, everyone except the two.

Levi had hated the idea at first. With everything he’s been through, he was taught that love could only mean weakness, and that wasn’t something the Scouts could afford. But then he realized how hard the two fought for each other; how instead of weakness, it gave them strength. Even after Reiner had revealed his true intentions, that pain and heartbreak only drove y/n more. She became a weapon.

“Tsk,” Levi turned his gaze away from the man and closed his eyes. Young love.

Sighing, Reiner stood up and headed towards the direction y/n had gone. He knew he shouldn’t and that he was probably the last person she wanted to see right now, but it seemed as if his body had a mind of his own. It was like an instinct, as if he was being pulled by an invisible string forcing him to follow her, to make sure she was okay.

As y/n found herself in a clearing, she brought her hands to her face, wiping away the tears that were threatening to spill from her eyes. Fuck Levi and fuck Eren and fuck this whole fucking world.

“You okay?” The voice broke y/n out of her thoughts as she immediately recognized its owner. Slightly turning her head, she glared at the boy through her peripheral vision, the once subsiding anger slowly rising up again.

“Don’t act like you care, Reiner,” y/n spat, hating the way his name felt on her tongue.

“I do care.”

“Really?” y/n turned around, steam fuming from her ears. “‘Cause if you cared you wouldn’t have killed Marco or manipulated Ymir or betrayed your friends! If you cared, you wouldn’t have- you wouldn’t have-” y/n stopped, unable to form the right words. Left me? Led me on?

Made me fall in love with you?

With an exasperated sigh, y/n shook her head, turning away to hide her watering eyes from the man.

“Just leave me alone,” she begged, her voice straining. “Please.”

Closing her eyes, she finally let the tears fall as she held back the sob that threatened to erupt from her lips. She couldn’t handle it anymore. She couldn’t handle him anymore- the way he still looked at her like she was his whole world, the exhaustion in his eyes that just made her want to hug him and whisper sweet nothings in his ear. She couldn’t handle the ache in her heart every time she saw his face, or heard his voice, or someone mentioned his name.

She hated how everything reminded her of what once was. She hated how even after all these years, she still remembers that first night they spent together on the rooftop. She still remembers telling him her dreams, sharing her nightmares, laughing until the sun came up. Fuck. Fuck you, Reiner Braun.

And as the wounds on y/n’s heart reopened, so did Reiner’s, because if there was anyone in the whole world who hated Reiner Braun more than y/n was Reiner himself.

It made tears prick his eyes and bile regurgerate up his throat. It made his lungs constrict and it made him, with his whole being, want to carve out his insides and chop them up into little pieces. Because as much as y/n made him want to live, she made him want to die even more.

She was the girl who made his stomach do flips and his heart skip beats. She engulfed him in her presence, showering everything she touched with a grace like no other. She gave him a reason to keep going because despite all the darkness in the world, she had managed to show him the light. She made him believe in good again.

And yet every time he looked at her- every time he heard the hatred in her voice- all he could see were the things he did wrong. The faces of everyone he’s killed, everyone he’s hurt. She was a walking reminder of the evil lurking inside him, and that maybe- deep down- he really was a monster.

His mistakes- no, he wouldn’t call them that; they weren’t mistakes, they were choices. Reiner chose to do what he did, and there was nobody else to blame, not his superiors or the Marleyans, but him. He had so many chances to stop, to be good, but he didn’t.

He kept on going when Marcel died and when he saw the utter destruction he caused at Shiganshina. He kept on going after killing Marco and he kept on going even after he realized that these so called island devils weren’t really devils after all.

He should’ve told y/n the truth that night on the rooftop, about what it was like outside those walls. He should’ve told her what she got wrong and what she got right, and she did get parts right. 

Because all his life, Reiner Braun had been hiding behind a wall. And for the longest time, he didn’t want to find a way out. He didn’t have a reason to.

Until he fell in love with an island devil. An island devil who, for the first time in his pathetic life, made Reiner feel like Reiner. He wasn’t a Marleyan or an Eldian or a warrior to her, he was just him. 

And God, did he love being him.

Blinking away his tears, Reiner’s face reverted back to its usual phlegmatic appearance.

“y/n-”

“Can we not have this conversation right now?” y/n exclaimed, her voice slightly stronger.

Reiner softly scoffed, hoping that y/n could feel his desperate gaze burning holes in her back. “Then when?”

“Never,” y/n breathed out, finally turning to face the boy, “I don’t want to talk, Reiner. Especially not to you.”

The blonde clenched his jaw as y/n threw another blow to his already fractured heart. “You don’t mean that,” he whispered, the words barely slipping from his lips.

“And who are you to say what I mean and what I don’t?” y/n’s prior sadness had slowly been turning to annoyance. Anger, hatred, hell, she didn’t even know anymore. It was like a remote control going off in her head, surfing through the channels to find the perfect TV show. Except there was just too many shows and too many channels, so instead all she got was the sickening sound of static.

With his mouth slightly agape, Reiner turned his attention to the ground, y/n’s eyes still searing at his body. “I’m sorry.”

As the words slipped out of his mouth, a laugh escaped y/n’s throat. Out of all the things that had happened those past few days, that had to be the most ridiculous. He has to be joking.

Scoffing, y/n examined Reiner’s pitiful stance. It was unbelievable. Truly. The way he still looked like the victim. It made y/n want to punch him even more. Slowly, Reiner raised his head, immediately meeting y/n’s eyes.

“Please, y/n, let me-”

“Stop.” Any trace of laughter had disappeared from y/n’s face. “Stop, just stop. You broke me, Reiner. That day on the wall? It has got to be the worst day of my life.”

The two stared each other down, searching for any sign of...something in the other’s eyes. They didn’t know what they were looking for. Care? Hatred? Love?  They just wanted the truth.

“I trusted you. I really did,” y/n said, blinking back tears. Shaking her head, she finally looked away from his burning gaze, pushing past him to head back to the camp. “This is stupid, I shouldn’t be talking about this with you.”

“I loved you.”

y/n immediately stopped in her tracks as she felt the dam of emotions slowly start breaking down. More salt to the wound.

“Don’t say that.”

“y/n,” Reiner said turning around, “I love you.”

“Stop. Reiner, stop,” y/n said, gulping down a sob. “You can’t just say that,” she said as she turned around, “you don’t get to betray me and leave me with my heart shattered in a million pieces just to come back four years later telling me you love me. You don’t get to do that.”

y/n didn’t even try to stop the tears anymore as her vision started to get blurry from the waterfall erupting from her eyes.

“Four years and not a day goes by that I don’t regret what I did. That I don’t think about this stupid island and these stupid people who I once thought of as home,” Reiner said, his voice surprisingly stable, “not a day goes by that I don’t think about you.”

y/n bit her lip, unsuccessfully trying to keep more tears from spilling. She didn’t know what to do anymore. She couldn’t do anything anymore.

“I hate you,” she sobbed, “I hate you so much.”

As if on instinct, Reiner wrapped his arms around y/n’s shaking body, a few tears escaping his eyes. y/n’s first impulse was to get away. She shouldn’t do this, she shouldn’t want this.

“Let me go,” she muttered over and over again as she struggled under his arms; punching his chest, kicking his legs, doing anything in her power to simply get away. “I hate you, I hate you!”

And yet, he still held on. Tighter and tighter until eventually, she just melted. She fell into his embrace and just stayed there, sobbing right into his arms.

“I know, I know,” Reiner whispered into her hair.

Finally.

“This one!” Gabi ran inside one of the abandoned houses, Falco following behind her.

Approaching the building, y/n and Mikasa were the last to go through the door, with y/n silently preparing herself for the sight of the man she once called her best friend. As they stepped inside, Reiner’s sleeping body came into view, immediately stopping y/n in her tracks as her fists curled at her sides. Staring wide eyed at the blonde man, she could feel the tears pricking her eyes and her breathing getting shallower. Noticing y/n’s reaction, Mikasa softly bumped her shoulder to walk past her, subtly breaking y/n out of her trance. Snapping back into reality, y/n blinked away her tears. She was not going to let him control her like that. He didn’t deserve that power and he sure as hell wasn’t worth the tears.

Crossing her arms, she watched as Annie kicked him in the face, stirring him awake. Startled, he looked around, gasping in surprise at the sight of his old friend. Becoming aware of his surroundings, his gaze immediately traveled to the rest of the scouts until it eventually landed on y/n. His eyes widened in shock, a look of pure disbelief on his face. y/n.

She was as beautiful as ever. The wisp of her hair, the e/c of her eyes. He had almost forgotten what she looked like, the memories of her slowly fading from his mind. He hasn’t been able to see her face clearly since...since he attacked her in Shiganshina.

She looked different than he remembered. Her hair was shorter and her eyes were darker, as if someone had snuffed the light out. As if he had snuffed the light out. Reiner’s heart sunk at the thought. Of course it was his fault, he had caused her- them- so much pain, so much death. He was surprised he hadn’t been attacked yet.

The more Reiner stared, the angrier y/n got. Stop. Stop looking at me like that. She wanted to scream at him, stab him, rip his face off. She wanted to make him feel what she felt. Four years. Four years of healing and forgetting all tossed down the drain at the sight of his face, his hair, his body, his eyes. Those stupid, beautiful hazel brown eyes.

She hated him. She hated him for making her feel this way. The push and pull of hatred and love. Her head and her heart. She hated him because even after all the pain and killing and betrayal, there was still a sliver in her that cared.

“We don’t have time, let’s go,” Connie urged, causing Reiner to break eye contact.

“To where?”

“To save the world.”

─────

The ride to the woods was quiet for the most part. Gabi and Falco had tried updating Reiner on everything that he missed, the older man occasionally nodding and giving them murmurs of agreement. However, despite their efforts, he was more focused on the girl across from him, his gaze lingering on y/n the whole time.

She had tried not to notice him, keeping her eyes on the ground or the sky or just anywhere that wasn’t Reiner. She didn’t really care at first, but as time went on, the more annoyed she got with his burning gaze.

“Will you stop staring?” y/n asked, finally turning to face Reiner. “You’ve been doing it since the house, it’s getting annoying. If you want to stare at someone, stare at Connie.”

Connie looked up at the mention of his name, his face scrunching up in confusion. Under y/n’s gaze, Reiner finally turned away from her and focused his eyes on the wooden floor of the cart.

If the mood hadn’t been so tense, Reiner would’ve smiled. After everything, she was still the same old y/n- snarky and humorous and not afraid to speak up. It comforted him in a way. The fact that even after the suffering and misery, she hadn’t lost the parts that made her her. She wasn’t like him. She knew exactly who she was and for some God awful reason, it just made him love admire her more.

After that, Reiner didn’t even dare glance at her. He knew he passed his limit, examining every inch of her face. The shapes, the changes, everything that he thought he forgot. The angles of her jawline; the marks on her skin; the shadows of her face. He wanted to ingrain it in his head, replacing the once youthful and innocent face he knew with something much stronger. Much colder.

He wanted to remember her. Up until his last breath, he wanted to remember her. Every intricately sculpted detail, every perfectly alluring flaw. He didn’t want to lose her. Not again.

But he also knew how much he had hurt her, how much pain he had caused. So for now, this was enough. A picture painted in his mind of a girl in a wagon, her face stern and bitter. A face full of experience and knowledge and suffering.

A litter of bodies. Burned down buildings. Fiery crops. It was destruction. Technoblade was destruction. Utter chaos, utter disharmony. And the worst part, he didn’t even care. Not anymore. After hundreds of thousands of years of fighting battles and winning wars, Technoblade was immune. Immune from the death, the violence, the endless barbarity. He no longer cowered in the presence of monsters (he was one after all), nor did he hesitate in the face of worn down children. Too young, too innocent.

An immortal. That’s what he was. An undying being who, for as long as he could remember, only knew violence. Only knew blood. He was familiar with blood. The metallic scent, the thick red substance. He could smell blood from a mile away. Track it. Spill it.

Blood for the Blood God. That’s what they would say. He could never get rid of them. The voices. The voices who would praise him if he completed a simple kind task like helping a piglet find its way home were the same who urged him to exterminate a whole family. A whole village. A whole kingdom.

Technoblade was tired. He no longer knew what peace was. Happiness. It was like looking for a needle in a hay stack. All he knew was destruction.

And mourning.

And death.

So, no. He didn’t want to remember the horror on their faces or the way their bodies would slump as he put a sword through their chests. He didn’t want this life. But how could he escape it? How could he escape it when it was all he knew?

“You didn’t have to do that,” Phil said, his voice stoic, “you didn’t have to kill them all.”

The pig man stopped in his tracks, a small glint of shame shining in his eyes, but quickly disappeared just as fast as it had appeared. Grimly, he glanced at the Phil from his peripheral vision.

“No witnesses, that’s what we agreed on.”

“They were just kids.” Phil’s eyes trembled, his body frozen as he took in the sight before him.

Dean’s head whipped towards y/n once more, his shocked face masked by the dark. A thousand words and that was definitely not on the list.

“I mean, c’mon, you were tortured every day for practically 30 years, Dean. All your anger, your pain- it was just there. Festering inside with no way of getting out,” y/n explained, the words smoothly slipping off her tongue.

Dean continued to stare at the girl, or at least in her general direction. It had to be about 2 in the morning by now and the room was pitch black, the only movement emitting from the shadows of the window. Hearing y/n’s words, he laughed on the inside. y/n l/n, the only person in the world who would be able to justify his actions no matter how screwed up they were. Dean Winchester could burn the entire world and for some ungodly reason, she would still find a way to excuse him. To forgive him.

It was ridiculous, really. The way y/n always knew exactly what to say. How to rile him up, or get him to laugh or cry or open up. He admired her for that. He admired the girl lying on the bed next to him, her body blending with the walls, the sheets, the shadows. Yet as clear as day, he could still see her. The way her face scrunched up as she smiled, a laugh erupting from her lips. Or the way she looked at him, always with so much curiosity, so much...care. She cared about him. And he cared about her.

“It’s only natural to want vengeance,” y/n continued, “to want other people to feel what you felt. It’s definitely not a healthy way to cope, a bit sadistic maybe,” she teased as a soft smile ghosted Dean’s lips, “but what else could you have done? You were suffering, and you can’t just keep that all in.”

y/n’s demeanor hardened at the thought of what Dean had to go through, her eyebrows slightly furrowing. Sighing, she turned to him, expecting to be met with his back, but to her surprise, he was staring right back at her. With the soft glow of the street lamps shining through the window, she could just barely make out his features. The point of his nose, the curve of his lips, the shape of his hair.

“Your choices might not have been the right decision, but it doesn’t make you a bad person, Dean.”

Slightly squinting, y/n observed the boy in front of her, noticing how his body rose and fell with each breath he took.