L I M I T L E S S

Lately I’ve been thinking about who I want to love, and how I want to love, and why I want to love the way I want to love, and what I need to learn to love that way, and who I need to become to become the kind of love I want to be…and when I break it all down, when I whittle it into a single breath, it essentially comes out like this: Before I die, I want to be somebody’s favorite hiding place, the place they can put everything they know they need to survive, every secret, every solitude, every nervous prayer, and be absolutely certain I will keep it safe. I will keep it safe.

This year I learned that pain is inevitable. Loved ones will be lost whether it be death or simply growing apart. People will disappoint you and no matter how much you may love them, sometimes you need to walk away for yourself. It’s commendable to plan for the future and to visualize the things you want in life. Most likely none of it will happen and life will take you on a journey you never planned for. The number one lesson I have learned this year though is, No matter how unbearable the pain may be, love conquers everything and it can be found in the most unexpected places. We just have to be willing to invite it in and give it back. To cherish those who continue to love us even when we feel we don’t deserve it. That kind of love is hard to find and it will leave if it is not nourished, especially the love we need for ourselves.

I don’t want to fall in love anymore, I feel like I’m constantly repeating myself; telling people my favourite songs, showing them my favourite movies and TV shows, my favourite colour, places I like to visit, just everything. And I’m tired of repeating myself, I don’t have the energy anymore. I want someone who already knows that a particular song is my favourite because it makes me cry happy tears, I want someone who knows that this movie is my favourite, because one of my earliest memories was watching it as a kid, when we were still a family. I don’t want to give people parts of me only for them to become a stranger again, It’s not fair. I’m tired

Nobody has ever left me just once. They always come back to see how their absence dulled the vibrance in my eyes before disappearing again.

Sometimes people tell me that it’s not stupid that I gave everything when I loved her and that I still loved her after that. And I can’t help but cry. I can’t help but cry because I feel like such a moron that I let myself be defenseless and I let this person know all of my weaknesses and my entire heart and now, she doesn’t even care about my existence and this is the person I loved with all of my heart and trusted my whole being with. I gave her everything I had and even more. It’s so foolish but I’m thankful when people don’t call me stupid because I want to believe there’s someone I can give my entire being to and trust wholeheartedly. They’ll take my weaknesses and pains and be beside me even at my worst. Because people leave me when I hit my worst. They always do. I’m annoying, I’m invasive, I’m insecure, I’m overly jealous, and I’m needy and all of these stupid things. I’m selfish and I overthink. And people leave. People leave so quickly. The one I love stops caring about me and loving me. In fact, they probably might even have someone new in their heart. And now, they just see me as some burden in their life that was easier to get rid of. And it damages me so much and I don’t wanna tell anyone the truth anymore and everything would be okay if I lied and kept my weaknesses and my insecurities away from the world. Everything would be okay if they only saw me smiling. If I had never told anyone what was in my heart, certain people would still like me and want to be around me. But because I opened up to them and I showed them my messy heart and my weaknesses, they left. So. I cry when someone tells me I wasn’t stupid. That I deserve friends and someone who will stay by me regardless of what I become. That I’m worth something and that my love is something special. I cry. Because that’s the only thing I can do when I’m told I’m not a moron.