Attraversiamo

my dad and i don’t have a relationship. he’s a narcissist and has borderline personality disorder and has refused to get help for many, many years. it has destroyed our family and severed so many relationships. he also refuses to take responsibility or apologize for hurtful actions. on the short end, i gave him some bottom lines and boundaries to repair our relationship. sadly, after angrily gaslighting me through text, he ultimately refused and i haven’t spoken to him since as part of my boundaries.

i’ve felt that my dad hasn’t loved me for a long time because he’s manipulated, gaslighted and said and done hurtful things in the past and present. it’s sad to me to see that he won’t get help for someone he’s supposed to love (i.e his daughter). 

since the virus has isolated many of us, it’s made me more angry at my dad. it’s made me think of him more and has made me more sad. it’s made me sad that he’s chosen his declining mental state over his children and his ability to heal. it makes me sad to know that he’ll never love me in the way that i need and it makes me sad that even though my boundaries are healthy and my own, i can’t be on speaking terms with him at this point until he changes his mind to get healthy.

i’d be lying to you if i said i didn’t miss him and i didn’t miss the moments of him being a good dad as a young kid. that is twisted into feelings of sadness and anger of the things he’s done and trauma he’s caused. 

one day, i hope i can have a relationship with him again although i’m not holding out for it. 

i’m in therapy, like i have been for years and i’m working through many feelings and issues i have surrounding my dad and other traumas.