peace in violence

( trans woman | she/her | nicole maines ) —— isn’t that FIADH WHELAN? yeah that is them, sitting there at the HUFFLEPUFF table with those other SIXTH years. when sybill looks into that crystal ball of hers, she sees a mug of warm tea, the wind off the sea, hands fretting anxiously, gently reaching towards a frightened animal, a secret meeting far from prying eyes, unseen hands pulling in two directions which seems about right for that EIGHTEEN year old. anyway i’ve heard they’re pretty QUIET, SHY, and KIND. apparently they’re NEUTRAL  and HALFBLOOD but i’m sure that’s not related… 

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          there were very few people that adeline ollivander would fight for, but their best friend was one of them. they tried to make a joke, pass the look on their friend’s face off as something else, not as serious as it clearly was, except clearly whatever was on fi’s mind was important and they would do what they could to help, even if it wasn’t much. 

          “i…” addie knew that probably was a lie, though they weren’t going to say anything. if fiadh wanted to talk then she’d talk. “alright, well my offer to beat up whoever’s making you sad still stands. just give me a name and i’ll figure out the rest later.” neverminded that it likely was something that fi could handle on her own. “what flavor ice cream are you having?” 

***

Fiadh loved Addie and this only proved why. She smiled and nodded. She just needed a minute, then she could tell Addie what was going on. Maybe an icecream to... distract herself with when she got emotional. “Chocolate.” She stood, heading for the counter. “What would you like?”

She waited until they both had icecreams again before finally saying, “It’s about him. I, uh.... It’s complicated--” was it really? “--but I... I don’t think it’s... Something happened.” It sucked to have to be so vague, but even now she didn’t want to put Reg at risk if word got out. Not from Addie, who Fiadh trusted implicitly, but from anyone else who might hear.

awildwclf​:

She didn’t want to cry, but Fi had always been soft. His whispered plea only makes her squeeze her eyes shut for a moment, trying to will the tears away. Quickly, she wipes at the few that escape. Her eyes open, meeting his as he tries to promise what they both know he can’t. Not without lying, and despite everything he’s not doing that. He reaches to touch her, but stops and Fi finds herself wishing he didn’t. Wishing he had actually crossed this divide that seemed to be widening by the second and reassured her in some way that he was still here. And yet at the same time, she couldn’t bring herself to do it either. To take his hand in hers as she had just moments ago.

“I… It’s all changing,” she murmurs. Fiadh doesn’t just mean Regulus’ mark, but the whole war. Everything kept changing around them, getting worse. But you love him, her heart whispered. That hasn’t changed despite it all. She doesn’t think she’s ever really seen him cry, but he’s holding back tears now. “I’m sorry, Reg. I–” I don’t know what to say. What to do. I love you. “Are they… Are you going to have to–” She can’t say it. It hurts too much.

     He crosses his arms. “No,” he shakes his head, the dishonesty of it burning through him. His fingers press into his arm, the mark burning harder. “I don’t know. Maybe,” he sighs, breaking eye contact once again in favour of focussing on the ground in front of him, wishing it would swallow him whole. He would do anything to not be in this moment. “Probably.” Regulus closes his eyes, visions of what his future might be flashing against his eyelids in rhythm to the rapid pacing of his heart. In the darkness, he sees her, facing the end of a wand, green light and— the tears slip from his closed eyes and he snaps them open, vision fierce. “Not to you, never to you. I wouldn’t let it. I won’t.”      He wishes he had anyone other than himself to blame for this. He wants to say he can protect her; he wants to say that if she stays, she’ll be alright. He can’t lie to her. He never could. If it was between him and her, if the end of him meant the never ending of her, he would take those odds. Every single time. It would be the one thing he didn’t fail at.

Fiadh’s heart breaks for him. For the boy she knew beneath the one his family wanted him to be. A traitorous part of her mind whispers that she’s being duped. That Regulus is manipulating her, but it can’t be true. He never cries, and she can’t imagine him faking the ferocity in his eyes when his eyes snap open again. Stormy grey eyes filled with sincerity as he insists he wouldn’t hurt her. “I know,” she murmurs quietly. But is that enough? Of that, she is less sure. He said it himself; they’d insist he do other things. Hurt other people. Could she be okay with that just because she was safe?

     Regulus thought that getting the mark had been the most painful moment of his life. He was wrong. It has here, with Fiadh having that look in her eyes, with every moment between them feeling like an ending. “Please don’t cry,” he whispers, his hand quickly pulling down his sleeve, his eyes meeting hers. “I’ve never— I wouldn’t—” hurt anyone. He can’t say that. He doesn’t know what they’ll make him do eventually, what he’ll have to do. He can’t lie to her, and he’s already hurt the one person who actually mattered. He reaches his hand up, moving to caress her cheek, before dropping it mid-air. Coward. He was a fucking coward. She wouldn’t want him touching her. He was ruined.       “It’s not that bad,” he tries, his voice weak from holding back his own set of tears. It is. “It doesn’t have to change anything.” It will. “It can just be another thing we keep between us.” 

She didn’t want to cry, but Fi had always been soft. His whispered plea only makes her squeeze her eyes shut for a moment, trying to will the tears away. Quickly, she wipes at the few that escape. Her eyes open, meeting his as he tries to promise what they both know he can’t. Not without lying, and despite everything he’s not doing that. He reaches to touch her, but stops and Fi finds herself wishing he didn’t. Wishing he had actually crossed this divide that seemed to be widening by the second and reassured her in some way that he was still here. And yet at the same time, she couldn’t bring herself to do it either. To take his hand in hers as she had just moments ago.

Brown Grey guilty eyes and little white lies

     “I,” he starts, pausing to bite the inside of his cheek. “My parents—” No, he couldn’t blame them, not when he let it happen. Choice or no choice, he was still the one with the brand. He looks into her eyes with a pleading expression, regretting the very moment he opened his mouth. It was too late to back out. His eyes move to his arm, his fingers the bottom of his sleeve. As he rolls it up, as he looks anywhere but at her, anywhere but at the mark that’s the only thing he’ll ever be left with (and how it looks so ugly compared to how beautiful she is). As he stands there, open and hideous in the summer air, Regulus swears he can hear the distant sound of a coffin being nailed shut.       “I had to, Fi,” he bites out, voice low and weak, cracking from the pressure and shame. “I had to.”

The dread only grows when Regulus mentions his parents. Fiadh had never met them, but all she had heard of the Black family, she didn’t like. And truthfully, she was scared of them. Scared of what they’d do to Regulus if they found out about her. His pleading expression, begging her to understand whatever it was he was forcing himself to say, didn’t help.

And then he reaches for his sleeve. 

Fiadh inhales quickly, and she swears for a moment her heart stops. Her sister’s impassioned speeches about Death Eaters. Her father’s work against them in the Ministry. And her... in love with one. I had to, Fi. I had to. She doesn’t doubt it, but what else would he have to do? Both her parents were muggleborn. Was she hurting them by doing this? He wouldn’t look at her, but she can’t look away. Her eyes going between his face and the mark, settling finally on his face. She couldn’t bear to look at the mark too long. “Reg...” Her voice almost breaks just on that syllable and she can feel the tears forming in her eyes.

          living in diagon alley meant that they got to see people all the time. most of the time addie liked being around other people and bothering those that came looking for something. it meant their parents couldn’t really stop them from seeing louise as much as they tried. sometimes it meant seeing classmates too. adeline got along with most people, at least they thought they did, fiadh held a special place in their heart. they were on the way back home after getting tea with louise and oliver when they spotted their friend. 

          “you’re getting ice cream without me?” addie pouted, before reading the expression on their friend’s face. they took a set across from her. “hey, are you okay? do i have to go beat up someone?” it was a bit of a joke, addie was far too small and fragile for that, but they’d try. “can i help?” 

***

Fiadh looked up, grateful to see Addie standing there. More than icecream, more than time alone, she needed her best friend. She needed to know some things hadn’t changed, that someone was on her side (Reg was... or maybe not. It was hard to know in her heart what she truly thought any more).

She had to close her eyes for a moment, holding back the tears she’d been fighting, when Adeline immediately offered to fight for her. “I’m okay. Just... Definitely need an ice cream with you.” Addie didn’t know everything about Reg--no one did--but Fiadh had told her more than anyone else. Maybe she could help here too. Besides, she missed having her friend around all the time.

     Regulus takes a moment to look out at the sea, letting the proverbial calm before the storm wash away his anxieties. Just for a moment. It was today that unnerved him most, the knowledge that he had to tell her, that if he went another day without it it would be one day too many. It had already been too long, keeping his darkest secret from her. With one last look out to the ocean, he turns to Fiadh with a serious expression. A shift in the air for him, from comfort to uneasiness, to fear.       He takes her hand in his, his grip tightening as the wave of nausea hits him. He closes his eyes, takes a breath, and opens them, his eyes pouring into hers— grey meeting brown. Hopefully not for the last time. “I have something I need to tell you.” 

His uneasiness is palpable, and Fiadh can feel a shift in their conversation as if the wind has changed direction, bringing cold air in off the sea. She looks to his hand, tight on hers, and then to his expression. Fear pools in her stomach. What could he have to say that was so awful? Her heart leaps into her throat, but she tries her best to keep a calm facade. To try and help him. She loves him, and she knows he loves her. Despite it all, she knows that much is true and she clings to it now like a life ring, lest the anxiety she feels wash her away.

Fiadh had asked her father to take her to London since he was going over for Ministry work, intending to spend the day with Regulus. But after their date on the beach, and finding out about the mark on his arm... She hadn’t spoken to him since. The magical notebook he’d given her, with the ability to communicate with his matching book, had been sitting in her bag. Unused, but carried with her always, tempting her.

She sat currently outside Florean Fortescue’s Ice Cream, the book sat in front of her. Her dad didn’t know about Reg, so she couldn’t tell him that she no longer wanted to go to London. Instead, she was half-hiding for the day. Shadow fell across her face as someone approached the table, shaking her from her thoughts.

“Huh?”

     “Everything’s fine until you’re washing your mouth out with teeth cleaning solutions for a fortnight.” He laughs, shaking his head. She was always so positive, always so cheerful. A much needed reprieve from the depressing energy of 12 Grimmauld Place. Sometimes he wishes he could take her there, show her where he grew up, the place he called home. He thinks she’d find his collection of Quidditch player action figures a bit ridiculous, but he knows she’d like his hidden collection of muggle romances. Though maybe that would be a bit of an embarrassing revelation. He kisses her cheek in thanks and moves towards the door, waiting.      For the few moments that she wasn’t by his side, Regulus found his anxiety returning. It was like that, these days, when he wasn’t feeling constant mental stimulation, he found himself falling into the worries and darkness that seemed to plague his every thought. The feeling dissipates quickly when he feels the warmth of her arm in his. He smiles, following her outside, letting the fresh hair hit his face. The wind wasn’t too bad. He thinks he could weather any storm with her.      He pulls her closer, using his arm to draw warmth from her. Walking with her down to the beach, ignoring the way the sand covers his shoes, he wants to tell her how he feels. So he does, for once. “Fi,” he starts, tugging on her arm slightly to draw her attention to him. “You know I love you, right?” 

“You’re no fun,” she replied. He got to see this positive side to her more than anyone else, bringing out a confidence in her that she rarely felt. She wondered sometimes if he saw her when they weren’t alone, when she was timid and trying not to be noticed by anyone. Fiadh blushed as he kissed her cheek, paying for the chocolates and joining him quickly. She ignored the knowing look the cashier gave her seeing the pink colouring in her face.

        his  slightly  concerned  stance  breaks  at  fiadh’s  admission ,  lips  turning  into  a  grin  as  it’s  become  more  rare  to  run  into  friendly  company  these  days .  “ perfect ,”  he  nods ,  holding  the  door  open  so  the  duo  could  enter  the  leaky  cauldron  with  ease .  “ what  brings  you  towards  this  side  of  town  ?  i’m  hoping  that  summer  vacations  are  treating  you  thus  far .” 

     He wants to say that not existing sounds good to him. If Regulus had it his way, he wouldn’t exist to anyone, he’d be left alone, and kept perfectly sane by books, travelling, and whatever else lonely people did…. He thinks about this for a moment but then realizes that no, he wouldn’t be fine with that. He would miss her. Having someone to miss was new to him. Regulus found he quite liked it.      “That,” he says, with a pointed look to the block of chocolate, “looks as though it would rot your teeth out. Which means, of course, that it has to be delicious.” He nods at her with an expression of mock seriousness. “Great taste, my wix, as usual.” Of course he trusts her— with things like his taste in chocolate, what words to use when describing things in essays, how a certain colour looks with his dress robes. Yes, Regulus trusted her. With things that, in the long run, didn’t matter. The mark on his arm burns. Every word she says makes it intensify, making it harder to forget what he’s not telling her.

Fiadh grinned wider, leaning back into him. “Exactly what makes it so delicious!” she told him, as if he didn’t know how much she loved sugar. She snorts at his serious expression, shaking her head fondly. How did he do this to her? He made her feel so at ease, so comfortable, in a way that almost no one else managed. Maybe it was that she had seen this side of him long before she’d gotten to know the front he put up for the world. Because she felt his warmth, even when he hid it. Because he’d trusted her and she’d trusted him, slowly slowly letting their guards down. “Let me pay for it then,” she said, taking it up to pay with muggle money her mother had given her for their day out.

Lean for me, and I'll fall back You'll fit so nicely, you'll keep me intact

- Human, Dodie

      Regulus enters the shop and pulls Fiadh in with him, moving to stand behind her, his hands on her waist. He rests his chin atop her head and looks at the displays, gaze flittering back and forth between them. There was nothing floating around, nor were there boxes of sweets whizzing back and forth the shop, and there weren’t any charmed photographs to goad you into buying overly expensive treats. It was… different. Regulus smirks when he sees a series of “Magic” themed snacks on one isle.       “Cauldron and wand shaped chocolate?” he laughs, voice low so only Fi could hear. “That’s just ridiculous”. He doesn’t know what to focus on— it was all the same but it was also strange and he’s both intrigued and terrified at the same time. His parents had always said muggles were inferior, that they wanted to take away magic and persecute all wixes, that they were diseased— but no one here looked like they had any suspicions of the two wixes that occupied the shop. No one seemed to care.      Regulus shrugs. “Anything with chocolate. What do you like? Oh, I don’t suppose they’ve got anything with mint in it?” 

Fiadh giggles, glancing up at Regulus behind her. “It’s all make-believe to them. For kids. We don’t exist,” she whispers back to him with a conspiratory grin. And that’s the best thing here. No one cared about them all that much, no more than any other teenage couple in the store. They could just be. These muggles, not that they knew it, got to see a side of both Fiadh and Regulus that the wizarding world never saw. She’s tempted to buy the magic themed chocolates, just to tease, but she doesn’t.