moved

i haven’t had any friends in over ten years. and by that i mean people whom i see every day and have a platonic but close relationship with. i know that sounds extreme, but it is possible, and depending on your life circumstances very managable. in fact, as soon as i graduated high school, i gently pushed away or let the few “friendships” that i had, fade out. since then, it’s been only me save for a few online and long-distance friendships. and not only did i want it this way, i actually like it in a weird way. isolation is not healthy, but it feels good to me.

the strange thing is, i was today old when i realized that even the friendships that i had back then, were essentially hollow, at least on my end. yes, we did all the things friends did, hung out together, window shopping, gossiped about boys, even had drinks together (another thing i haven’t done in over a decade) but it was all empty on my end, looking back. i calculatedly went through all the motions, because that is the only way i knew how to get through it all. none of them actually knew anything about me, because i never told them anything substantial.

and i think that is a a sign of avpd as well. in that, you can have friends, but if you do, you’ll wear a mask around them. it’s not a lie, just a watered down version of who you are. you are never comfortable, constantly adjusting, mirroring, making sure you don’t come across to odd or weird. after all, the “real me” is always at risk of judgement/humiliation, so it had to be hidden away. you become compartmentalized and fragmented. and of course that is not how friendships should be. we should be able to be vulnerable around those we trust, but did i ever trust anyone i was friends with?

the sad answer is no, even though i was not aware of it. i entertained all their issues, secrets, problems but i never indulged in any of my own. in fact i just acted like that part of me didn’t exist. not sure how the people who were friends with me actually felt about this, if they even picked up on it.