AD

So doing well. I got horrendously lost the other day while driving and I didn't even cry once! I didn't even cry when I missed turning in my paper. I got over it. That was pretty magical.

How am I feeling? Well, stressed cause I have this huge paper due this Friday that I haven't started and have no idea how I'm going to do it. Then I have this spanish project I need to edit. Bah. But my fiance has convinced me to come over tomorrow because his work schedule has been slammed and it'll be the first day in a long time we've had together for longer than a couple of hours.

Other than that I'm feeling pretty good. It's just finals stress and I don't feel like the world is going to horribly end. Feeling strangely fine.

Also, I heard this medication makes it well you erm, to be blunt, don't experience sexual desire or satisfaction. It's been the opposite for me. Now it hasn't made me a raging sex fiend or something. I just no longer feel petrified at the thought of not being "good enough" or something stupid. My fiance isn't like that at all, good lord no. He's sweeter than powdered sugar on icing. He always makes me feel wanted. I just got "Stuck" for a long time, but I'm feeling like I'm pulling out of it.

I had a week off of school for Thanksgiving break. It was awesome. Now I'm dreading going back. Hardcore dread, man. Fairly high anxiety/avoidancy. I have a bunch of stuff going on in the next three weeks: 2 papers, Spanish project, Spanish oral and final exams, two final exams, A quiz on Tuesday, going back to the doctor to talk about my treatment. Blah. I don't want to do any of it. I want to hide in my bed and maybe no one will find me until the semester is over.

I wonder how I'm going to really be a productive member of society. I feel useless.

Upped my dosage starting yesterday. Feeling exactly the same as ever. Which isn't bad, really. My avoidancy is still pretty high. It's 1:30AM and I have a paper due at 9:30AM tomorrow. Man. (It's different than the one from Tuesday) After tomorrow I have a week off school. I'll have yet another paper to write that week but it'll be Thanksgiving which I've been looking forward to for a while now. Can't wait to start blogging about fun things.

I've been putting off a research paper for awhile because I've been scared that I can't do it.

Uh. Well, nothing to report! No negative side effects and I've been in good spirits all day. They say it takes about a month for it to work but I am noticing a change in my ability to turn off negative thoughts and enter a blank state of mind, like meditation or how I would assume people think usually.

I have a suspicion that my body chemistry reacts to medications rather quickly. When I took the ADHD stimulate I noticed a change IMMEDIATELY. It was the exact opposite of what I'm experiencing now. I could focus, but only on my emotional hurts and worries. I had very heavy moods and it was bad.

I gave a presentation today and I was nervous like normal but I got through it. I also have avoidancy issues in regards to meeting with a new advisor for school. But the meeting with her when BRILLIANTLY and gave me some good news I badly needed.

Here are all the things going on:

-Heartburn

-Stomach ache

-Lack of sex drive due to fear

-Lack of intimacy due to fear

-Feelings of low self worth

-Feelings of wanting to disappear

-Weight gain

-Tiredness

-Shaking

-Horrendous anxiety

-I start thinking about something and then get fixated and then can never stop for awhile.

-I feel paralyzed by fear and I like I physically can't move.

-Scared to talk, scared to open up.

-Constant fear of making mistakes

-Always thinking of bad things, of what could go wrong.

-Paranoia

-Dizziness

So yeah. That's WITHOUT medication. The medication I have been prescribed is taken by a relative very close to me with no side effects and it has helped them tremendously. The people close to me have been very supportive and my doctor has as well.

Quick history: I took a medication for ADHD that made my anxiety and depression a million times worse. I entered a dark place. My sister says it was very scary for her.

I was prescribed a different anti-anxiety drug but refused to take it. That was two years ago.

A year and a half ago my fiance and I began to date. I was a whirlwind roller coaster but he was, and always will be, incredibly patient with me.

These past two years my anxiety has grown tremendously. I realized by looking back at my life that the things I thought were related to ADHD were actually anxiety-based. I didn't focus in class because I was scared I wouldn't learn and I was so focused on the things that hurt. I lied about homework assignments because I was scared I wouldn't do well on them and that I wasn't as smart as the other kids.

A few weeks ago I got a speeding ticket and had a massive panic attack. It was messy. My family told me they understand and that I should seek help.

I did it and I'm so proud of myself. It took a very long time but I am feeling very optimistic. The internet doesn't share my optimism. I've read terrible things about this medication.

Here's the thing: I am not taking this because I expect it will make me "happy". In fact, I don't want to NOT be sad. I want to feel my emotions without getting so lost in them that I go to a dark and terrifying place. This isn't something I want to glamorize. This is a real thing that is happening to me and I want help managing. I already have the best support system in the world, I just need a bit more help.

I went to bed last night at 4:30, woke up four hours later for school. I napped from 4pm to 8pm this evening. That's kind of a full night's sleep, right?

Anyway, still bumming around about the major thing. I get to where I'm going to type the email and then I get all nervous. All the what if's pop up in my brain. What if this adviser can't help me? What if I'm making a terrible mistake? What if this plan takes me even longer to graduate? Is this the best choice even though I feel like it is? And then it turns into, "What if she thinks I'm stupid for not figuring out things sooner and for graduating three years later than I'm supposed to." Then I start beating myself up about the whole thing and don't even start the email.

Sigh.

Lots of negative stuff happened outside of our two-person bubble today, but we had so much fun together nonetheless. He lights up my life.

1. My fiance bought me flowers to cheer me up because this has been a rough week for me.

2. My cousin/sister/very bestest friend (all rolled into one) and I have had some really amazing times together this week. Well, all the time really, but I'm so grateful especially for this week.

Rough stuff: I'm graduating later than my expected date. I'll be graduating Spring 2015. It's really awful because I was hoping to graduate in 2014, but it's not happening.

I'm considering changing my major. Originally I was going to stick with my current major because I thought it was going to take less time. Now I've discovered that may not be the case, and if it's not, then I don't want to continue doing something that I've discovered I may not want to do as much as something else.

I have to talk toanotheradvisor to decide if switching would be the best possible option for me. I've created an expected plan of study, but I am not sure if it is going to work the way I've planned. And you all should know how difficult it is for me to talk to people I don't know well by now. Ugh. I justhaveto at this point.

Also, I'll be taking so many extra hours that I'll have to pay for tuition out of pocket maybe.

Also, if I do change majors, 2/4 classes I am taking right now won't count, including my upper level foriegn language.

I'm trying so hard to stay optimistic, but it's difficult for me. I keep obsessing over this. This is my life. There's so much I want to do and knowing it's going to take even longer for me to get to that point where I can do it makes it hurt even more. And all this uncertainty. I hate being uncertain. I thought I knew how this was all going to go down but I was wrong and I think I'm more freaked out about that than the actual time. Okay, maybe not, it just ADDS to the extra time.

I meet with that advisor I mentioned in the very first post here.

I go to Spanish tomorrow, which is hell all in itself because I have to talk and I don't understand anything. I'm getting a tutor next week, but I'm terrified to meet her because then she's going to realize how dumb I actually am.

I might receive my reading quiz grade tomorrow, which is awful because I completely BSed that exam because I didn't have the book yet. It was the WORST BS ever. It was so awful I wanted to write on the paper, "I'm sorry for writing you such crap. A lot of things just came up."

UGH. Don't want to do any of it. It's so frightening to me. Is every semester this petrifying for me or is it just this one? If I keep writing here then I guess I'll find out.

Positives: I actually wore an outfit I looked nice in today, except, well I didn't actually go anywhere. Picking up contact lenses does not count.

I finished my online exam. Now to just wait for the results.

Which is the whole reason I made this blog.

"Procrastination" is such an easy word to hide behind. The truth of the matter is putting off things is due to the constantfearof it not being good enough once it's done.

There are lots of things I am "procrastinating". I know they exist and I know they are there, I am just too afraid to attempt any of it.

That email is one of them.

I have to meet with an advisor because I want to apply to this program that is required of my degree and I need to find out what steps (as well as classes) I need to take to get accepted. See? Really easy. All I'd have to do in this email is tell him my name, my degree, a bit about my situation, and then say when I am available to meet. It all sounds so easy when it's typed out like that.

But it isn't that easy. Nothing is ever that easy. Because my head takes over, telling me I'm going to do something wrong. Telling me that this step is going to mess my whole life up, even though it is something so important and simple.