viermouth and annihilation

what i fucking love about this scene is that we know it's not really ryan, naim knows it’s not really ryan. there's no part about this that is naim being lulled, being seduced, being tricked, being gotcha!'d. it's not him but it wears his face; it talks like him, it caresses like him, it comes close and smiles and laughs like he would. naim is leaning in despite the danger, moth to flame, knowing full well what's in front of him and craving it anyway.

what he feels is wrong, so it should hurt when he acts on it.

a new boy comes to town, bug-eyed and withdrawn, wearing ill-fitting clothes like he thinks it'll make it harder for people to notice him. but ryan notices. notices the way naim reid looks back sometimes during class, eyes touching on him and then away.

anything you're not afraid of? he throws verbal stones instead of physical, not wanting to scare him off, but needing the violence as lead up if he's going to dare act on his building desire. funnel web spider--an excuse to flick a finger against soft cheek, a well-aimed, final blow. naim snaps, swears, shoves him with a force ryan is used to, and so now he can change the tide. they go down hard on the dust-covered concrete floor, naim splayed out beneath him, pinned by a hand on each wrist. and ryan's panting, praying, repenting in advance, but he's a son of adam as much as his father's. he takes and eats of the fruit.

naim looks up at him, eyes filled with shock. ryan's heart spikes, adrenaline turning to poison in his gut. but then naim pulls him down, and the kiss doesn't bruise, the soft whimper he offers up into ryan's mouth not from pain. he yields when ryan touches him, lets him change their position without a fight. ryan's never had this feel so right before. never had a kiss so bloodless.

then naim pulls away, panicked, says they should stop, and he realises that even tenderness cannot conceal what they've done. you ever been there before? to the mill? no, he says. first time. because he's never taken hunter there before, hunter who touches ryan like he wants to kill him, like he wants ryan to tear his throat out with his teeth and put him out of his misery. don't tell anyone, he says. this town will eat naim alive if he dares.

ryan lies awake thinking of the way naim had sighed into his mouth, unfurling underneath his touch like a blooming flower. there are no bruises where naim touched him, but he almost wished there were, some kind of mark on his body as proof it hadn't been a dream. he should leave it, he knows. go back to being different, ignoring naim at school.

ryan's already ruined, but gentle naim might still be saved, if they leave it here.

he entices naim back to the mill with a promise of a joint to share because he's wretched and weak, and naim follows like a duitiful lamb. he tells him of his mother, loosened by the buzz, grief sticky in his throat. shit hole, he calls the place that's all ryan's ever known. it was my mum's idea to move here.

so there's nothing you like about this place? nothing? and he's trying hard to stay casual, but his desperation echoes clear in the wide open space of the mill. nothing, naim says, and then kisses ryan like he's never been kissed, except in the same place by the same mouth all those days ago.

the pastor's son comes knocking, and ryan's been taught to turn the other cheek rather than dodge, so the stones hit him straight on as he bites through his tongue. hunter will taste the blood, when they're bruised enough they can finally touch each other with hands instead of rock, but he won't care. they were raised in this shit hole together, the two of them, and they're made of the same rotten stuff. naim will figure that out sooner or later, and he'll high tail it out of this town and move on to big and better things. and ryan will stay, church every sunday, head bowed, praying to god none of these people ever see him for what he is.

how many times do kids their age break up. there could be a whole future ahead where they figure things out by themselves but ryan is so sure i want it to look like you. and even after everything, after feeling betrayed by naim and telling him to leave him in the car that night, when he sees him again at that bus stop "please tell me it's really you" if it was the entity then so be it, it's naim's face that he's seeing one more time before he leaves. but suddenly that's not enough!! in that moment he just needs the real naim who he is pretty sure he is in love with and can't imagine life without him.

Thinking about how the beginning of the movie introduces the idea that he is so fearful — afraid of the snake, afraid of heights, and the threat of the spider. Afraid of his and Ryan’s reflection as they’re making out. He’s so scared, and he’s just a kid, and we see over and over again this childlike trust he has in the people who are supposed to help him.

Why does he go to Hunter’s parents? Obviously there was some aspect of jealously, but Hunter and Ryan were also actively hurting each other. He doesn’t just watch them make out. He watches them pelt each other with fucking rocks and I think it was scary enough for him to regress into the idea that they genuinely needed help.

So, he does what he was raised to do. He asks for help. He watches Hunter get dragged in to the dark and he goes to the cops and he asks for help. He has that nightmare and he asks his mom for help. He’s attacked by an evil entity and he runs into the gas station asking for help and NO ONE IS HELPING HIM. Not the church, not the cops, or Izzy, or his mom.

In the end at the mill, entity Ryan tells him again that they want him to be afraid. Then in the daylight IN THAT SAME PLACE his mom confirms it. She tells him he needs fear. HE ALREADY HAS IT. He was already afraid at the beginning of the movie!!!! He’s been afraid the whole fucking time !!!!

And as my good personal friend Henry Chang once said “If you cannot be unafraid, be afraid and happy.”

Arrest of Christ in the garden of Gethsemane (The kiss of Judas). 118x133, oil on canvas

FRANKENSTEIN