Will The Medows Swallow You Whole?

About.

24

TransMasc Agender

This is a side blog, my main is @theoliveflower

I write specifically prose or small concepts, my bigger pieces and projects are not ones I write for any specific space.

A lot of my writing here has a venting purpose, if you know me, please understand that.

I wasn’t cold, not really but I was direct. it terrifies me how bluntness and self preservation feels like a cardinal sin.

My stomach twists and aches with nausea when my existence is desperate to get doe-eyed and pleasing, and yet I can’t stop myself from finally having unfounded courage.

It spills and sputters out of me, messy and uncomfortable, indirect out of fear, instinctively softening the blow with hopeful words I don’t mean.

“Temporary.”

“Maybe, I just need some time.”

“Not forever.”

Terrified of your self destructive tendencies.

Broken promises are like stepping on glass that I so foolishly walked on without care.

There are ghosts in my dreams, they whisper terrible what ifs of some sort of closure I’ll never initiate.

Yet I discover myself tearing away at pieces of you that I find stuck to my flesh, you’re like hot glue but draw blood, some parasites would envy the way you fuse to your prey.

I hope it’s light and kind.

Maybe it’s gravity that makes the soul feel heavy here.

I hope that after a long life I’ll finally get to rest and feel rejuvenated.

Sweet flowers; a multitude of colors and shades, had finally taken hold, their roots finally supplied with enough water and the sun held such promises of prosperity and peace.

And then, you came digging me up; sharp tools at my roots with promises like the sun and fertilizer falling from your lips. Pretty spells that felt like home. And how foolish am I to believe fertilizer and shade would revive an excavated garden; to its’ past beauty.

It must. That sinking feeling of being used, hard earned self-worth crumbles at your fingertips. Questioning intentions become second nature now, where you never used to look twice.

No one talks about how hard it is to be suspicious when all you can see is the good in someone. How could such seemingly authenticity be written off? How was I to know how Oscar worthy your performance was? I know I’m easy to deceive but I didn’t want to think someone who professed such love and loyalty was so ready to disprove it. I don’t think anyone should live second guessing a partner at every turn. And yet, I did. Out of blind faith and rose colored glasses.

No I don’t think so, and I have everyone telling me not to stay. To leave and never look back.

You’d say that it wasn’t just your fault. But it was, the beginning of it, the not only intentional but consistent deception from the very start genuinely makes it ALL your fault. No healthy relationship is built on a lie.

It wouldn’t have mattered if I had been ‘more’ patient or gave anymore chances.

You’d still lie to me with your only care in the world being how you were wrongfully villainized.

I’d still be dismissed for my worries and concerns. I’d still be thrown down the ladder, just to be given a step stool to get back up.

I wasn’t funny, but I always made you laugh. I never gave you enough in conversation, but you always wanted to talk to me. You wouldn’t/couldn’t live without me, but everything I did made your mood sour.

My attempts at art weren’t met with teachable critiques but with laughs and pointedly saying how bad they all were.

But I can’t stop when your laugh feels like the first day of sunshine on my skin after winter.

When your wit runs circles around mine and you make me laugh so often.

When the sincerity in your tone sends shivers down my spine.

How could I ever be a strong-willed man? When all it takes to bring me to my knees is your voice.

I’d follow you to my demise if you had the heart to do so.

My world shifted and you became the star I revolve around.

Your skin feels fuzzy and the world around you feels out of focus.

There’s a ringing in your ear, as hostile voices scream out through your head.

You don’t belong here, and this world isn’t for you. Every measure of trying just alienates you further.

Maybe there’s really nothing for you here. It can’t be that anyone would actually care for your absence; if they were to notice.

It’s hard not to feel like a fool and a plaything isn’t it?

When you’re told such sweet promises, just to be lied to without mercy.

When they tell you they love you, and then take it back. Either with their words or actions,

They take your fragile heart and soul, cradle it in their hands and whisper soft love and affection.

Just to crush it.

How many times is that your fate?

To be lied to over and over again.

To not be considered, when you consider so much.

To not be given the grace you so freely give out.

To be punished for your faith in the authenticity of others.

That’s what’s insidious about it. There’s no time to catch what you’ve lost.

There’s no concrete moment where you realize. Until it’s too late.

Until you cry out for help and it hits you; no one’s coming. No one even heard you.

There’s no one here. No one you can call.

But…Maybe..that’s a good thing, you think.

You don’t want to be bothered, on second thought, it’s not really that bad. It’s not worth bothering others over anyways.

If…you knew others. You used to know people…right? You had to.

But..where were they?

You shake your head.

It doesn’t matter really. If you had people to care about they’d be around. You take in the quiet, it’s soft and heavy.

You almost lose yourself in it.

You could, no one’s here to stop you.

Yeah, sounds nice.

It’s been a rough day, and maybe just maybe, if you allow yourself this, the tons of weight on your chest could subside.

You don’t have to bother anyone anymore. And no one will ever bother you again.

You don’t know how but you know it to be true. You let out a small sigh at the thought.