Kriii ༊*·˚

The rain started just after the last bell but not the loud, dramatic kind. Just a soft drizzle that turned the city into something blurry and distant.

You and Juhoon had climbed onto the school rooftop like the two of you always did when neither of you wanted to go home. 

"You know we're probably going to get caught one day."

Juhoon simply shrugged. "Then we'll graduate with a cool story."

The rooftop smelled like wet concrete. Below, the students hurried toward buses with bags over their heads. Their voices dissolve into the rain.

Juhoon sat on the edge and tilted his face toward the cloudy sky.

"You got your phone back from the office?" He asked, looking at you with an expectant face.

You held up the device proudly. "Obviously."

"Good." He held out his hand. "Give me one earbud."

The wire wasn't long enough, so you had to sit beside him. Shoulders almost touching.

Almost.

The music played over the low quality earphones. Hold me down by Daniel Ceaser.

It had a voice filled with longing. The kind of song that always sounded better on rainy afternoons.

"This one's your favorite, right?" He looked down at the almost empty ground as most of the students had already left. 

"Maybe."

"You say that every time."

"If I admit it's my favorite, I'll get tired of it."

"That's not how favorite songs work."

"It is for me."

The rain tapped against the rooftop in a steady rhythm and for a while neither of you spoke. Both of you simply listened until the song ended and the next one began.

Stay Ready by Jhené Aiko.

The only sound that could be heard was the music and the rain. The bustling of students had died down and no one was left at the school. No one except you two.

Juhoon nudged your shoulder slightly.

"What's the one song you'd keep forever?"

You thought for a moment.

"The one I'd keep forever?"

"Yeah."

"If every other song disappeared?"

He nodded.

You stared out at the gray skyline.

"Probably this one."

"The one playing now?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

You listened to Jhené's heavenly vocals wondering what to answer. Kendrick's verse began as you continued to be deep in thought.

“Well?” Juhoon waited patiently for you.

"Because it feels like remembering something before it's gone."

Juhoon looked at you with a strange expression crossing his face.

“What does that mean?”

“Like, the feeling of holding onto those moments, before it leaves your memory and becomes something in the past that no one would know about.” A melancholy like feeling had taken over your mind as you explained. To stay in the present, and appreciate it. That was what kept you going in life rather than stressing about a future that hadn't happened yet. 

"That's kind of sad."

"You asked."

"Fair."

"What about you?"

He leaned back and a few drops of the rain started dripping from his slightly wet hair.

"I'd keep something that resonates with my soul."

“Which is?”

“I don't know.”

"Of course." You shook your head.

"Something that makes you want to get in a car and drive forever."

"You don't even have a driver's license."

"I will."

"You're barely able to ride your bicycle without crashing into me every morning."

"That's not the point." Juhoon smiled seeing you laugh lightly at his words. The smile that always appeared for only a second before disappearing.

Then his head turned back to the vast city in front. The song had changed to Something by The Beatles.

"Where do you think you'll be in ten years?"

The question lingered in your mind.

Ten years.

It sounded impossible.

"I don't know."

"You have to answer."

"You first. It's only fair if you do."

Juhoon groaned dramatically. "Fine."

He rested his elbows on his knees. The rain had softened even more to the point that no one would even suspect it was raining anymore.

"In ten years..."

He paused, making a picture in his mind.

"I'll probably live in an apartment."

"Very ambitious."

"Wait."

"I'm listening."

"I'll have two turtles and a dog."

“Why two turtles?”

“Cause I already have them.”

“Oh. Right.”

"And maybe I'll make music."

"Maybe?"

"Maybe."

"You always say maybe when you mean yes."

"Maybe means it's scary."

His answer surprised you. Because Juhoon never admitted when things scared him. 

Not exams.

Not fights.

Not anything.

And the sudden talk about music felt out of nowhere. He always made it seem like he only wanted a future where he studied properly.

You looked towards the sky as the sun started to show itself slowly through the clouds. 

"What if you're famous?"

"Aren't famous people miserable?"

"Most artists are." You said as a matter of fact.

"Exactly."

You nudged his shoulder this time.

"I think you'd be good at it."

For a second he didn't respond.

Then quietly, with a small smile on his face, he spoke. 

"Thanks."

The rain continued to drizzle the two of you even though the sun had started showing up. It was slow and patient like it had nowhere else to be. The playlist slowly transitioned itself onto the next song without either of you even noticing. How many miles by Mk.gee

"It's your turn to answer now." He turned his head towards you. 

You wrapped your arms around your knees.

"I think..."

You tried to picture yourself in ten years in your mind. It was hard since you weren't even sure if you'd live till then. 

"I want to live somewhere near the ocean." You searched for the right words to explain yourself. "A place where I can hear waves at night."

Juhoon nodded. "I get that."

"And maybe I'll write."

"You already write."

"Not like small things.”

“Then what?”

A small pause before you answered. 

"Real things."

"Books?"

"Maybe."

"See? You said maybe."

You groaned. "Fine. Books."

"There we go."

The sky was still cloudy as the sun which had slowly appeared went back into hiding.

"What country will you never visit?"

"What?"

"You heard me."

"That's such a random question. Isn't it usually what country you would visit?"

"Answer."

"Hmm."

"Thinking too hard."

"I'm trying."

"You'll end up saying Antarctica."

"That's not a country."

"Oh."

You snorted. This was the same guy who was always among the top students of his class.

"Maybe somewhere too crowded."

"Interesting."

Neither of you cared about the lightly soaked uniforms you were in right now. The only thing that moment offered was the conversations that went back and forth and a melody in the background that would be etched into your minds. 

Without realising, you were living in the moment that would become one of the details you'd remembered the most in the future. The sky grew darker and the songs kept playing. Eventually as time passed by, the playlist looped back to the beginning.

Juhoon listened to the familiar opening notes.

Then he said something unexpected.

"Do you think we'll still know each other in ten years?"

The question landed softly like the rain.

You turned toward him but he wasn't looking at you.

You should have answered immediately. Instead you stared at the puddles beneath. 

"I think so."

"You think so?"

"You said maybe means it's scary."

"Fair enough." He smiled.

The songs continued.

And somehow that slow afternoon ended the way all afternoons end.

Without any warning and without anyone's permission.

One day it was happening.

And the next it was a memory.

Years later.

The world looked different from what it used to be. 

The school rooftop felt smaller when you visited after graduation reunions.

The city seemed different too, like it had become taller, faster and less patient. 

You were twenty six when the memory returned completely.

It happened during another rainy afternoon.

You were sitting alone by a window where the ocean waves were audible somewhere in the distance just like you'd once imagined.

A song started playing from the café speaker.

An old song. One from that rooftop playlist. The melodies sparked something in your brain. Something that it had locked away for a long time resurfaced itself. 

You remembered every word.

The way rainwater clung to his eyelashes.

The way he always looked away when conversations became too honest.

The way he said maybe. As if dreams became less frightening when disguised as possibilities.

Outside your window, people hurried beneath their umbrellas. The same way students once ran carrying their bags on their heads.

For a moment, sixteen and twenty six existed together.

You could almost hear him again.

"Where do you think you'll be in ten years?"

Back then, neither of you knew. Neither of you could have known how some dreams would come true and how others wouldn't.

How people drift apart, not because they want to, but because life keeps moving on.

How your memory chooses strange things to preserve.

Not birthdays.

Not exam scores.

Just a rainy rooftop with shared earphones, a favorite playlist and a conversation about the future.

The song in the café ended. The room became quiet again for a few seconds until the next song was up. Lullaby by Cortis.

A small smile crept onto your face as you heard Juhoon's voice through the speaker. 

Your mind takes you back to your high school graduation day. 

Everyone was busy saying their goodbyes and taking photos to remember each other by. You looked around to find Juhoon, holding tightly onto the camera in your hand. 

You went around talking to all your friends, and yet, no sign of the person your mind was desperately looking for. 

After walking around for a good amount of time you finally found him, surrounded by people like usual. He was everyone's favourite after all. Hesitantly, you moved away and waited near a wall until the crowd left him alone. 

Luckily enough, he saw you among the sea of people and made his way through them. 

You watched as he approached you and it was as if you both were the only people in that moment. Just like those days at the rooftop, where it would be just the two of you and students bustling beneath would be forgotten. 

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

He looked down at the camera in your hand. But instead of asking whether to take a photo, he seemed to have a weird expression on his face. One that resembled guilt, oddly enough. 

“I'm going to become a trainee at Hybe.”

The world around you stopped the moment those words left his mouth.

‘Trainee?’

He could read right through you like an open book.

“I'm sorry I didn't mention this before. I just…”

He was nervous. Nervous of what held for him in the future and how you'd react to all this being suddenly dumped on you.

“You'll be an idol?” 

“Seems like it, yeah.”

When he said he wanted to make music you never thought it would mean he'd become an idol. Someone who had to live up to the gruesome high expectations of society. 

You looked at him, his eyes. You didn't know exactly what to say, what were the right words to someone who you might be seeing the last time? This isn't what school taught you and it's not something anyone would ever teach you.

Things like these came from experience and this would be your first one. It didn't matter whether your response was right or wrong, what mattered was to show your support to him. To let him know, he'll be fine.

“Good luck.”

“Thanks.”

And that was the last time you'd see him smile in front of you. Perhaps even the last you'd ever see him.

You were supposed to be happy for him but somewhere inside of you, whatever it was that was tugging at your heart, wouldn't let you. All you could do was smile back at him that day.

You looked out at the ocean. A smile appeared before you realized it.

Because after all those years, one thing remained unchanged.

You still remembered the exact answer he'd given when you asked what song he'd keep forever.

Something that resonates with his soul.

Something that made him want to get in a car and drive forever.

The rain continued falling outside. Blue in the way old memories are blue. Not because they were sad but because they're too beautiful to return to. It was something that had been meant for that moment only. Not something you could relive again. 

Somewhere beyond the rain and years and distance, a sixteen year old boy was still sitting on a rooftop.

Sharing one earbud and talking about the future.

Completely unaware that someone would remember every word.

a/n : finally juhoon is on the nasterlist 🥹❤️‍🩹 tumblr was ragebaiting me bynot letting me save my drafts istg. It's 12 am hereand I gotta sleep soon😮‍💨 I hope I wake up to some good notifications?🙈🙈👀👀 also am practicing how to write angst and decided to start off lightly like with this one (preparing a long James fic 🤭) and yes, this ficis very similar to my most popular Sean fic cuz am lowkey #attentionwhore 😝🤞 I hope you guys loved this 🥹✌️ if you couldn't tel, yes love music a lot and will always incorporate them into my writings lol.

As you kept scrolling, you found more ancient relics especially related to his music career.

Even though his band didn't have much fans back he was still passionate and it seemed like that was all he cared about.

He did it for love.

TNT was one of their most popular songs. Seeing him get so nervous about something so silly as having the same title was funny to watch.

Their first concert?

'When and where was that?'

You searched it up on google to find out Cortis had their first concert at a small venue with around only 50-80 people.

Now they have thousands.

You continued to move through the posts and the next few made you gasp.

'He has a girlfriend. Holy shit.'

This was sensitive information especially now that he's a celebrity.

But it sounded so cute. The way he reacted about his first girlfriend made you feel soft inside.

You want that sort of love too, don't you?

You wondered if he was still dating that girl. Perhaps that's how he turned out to be such a romantic.

Since he fell in love as a teenager it must've been really special to him, especially while focusing on his music together at the same time.

You imagined the two teenagers being there for each other even though you had no idea what his girlfriend looked like.

But it was definitely cute and meant to be.

You could see why his girl said yes to him immediately. He was definitely a pretty boy with a personality unlike the usual bland guys that surround you these days.

You recognised the photo he posted as his profile picture.

'Yeah, I'd say yes to him too if I were her.'

A weird sort of cackling like that of an evil witch could be heard from the producer's room.

James had the urge to walk in and see what was going on until Juhoon stopped him.

"Probably Martin doing something weird again."

"It's better for our mental health to ignore him." Keonho added.

They all walk away from the door that lead to Martin's room to meet up with Seonghyeon.

Inside the room, Martin was laughing at the new little comment you left on his old post about getting his first girlfriend.

Congrats?

He couldn't wait until you scrolled past more to figure out what happened in the end.

He decides to stalk your account a little and is met with something he definitely wasn't expecting.

Oh.

You were much cooler than whatever he expected. And you had a decent amount of followers too it seemed.

'Vogue huh.'

'Perhaps a model? Or the editor?'

You'd casually post your daily life but he hadn't come across any of your photos yet.

It only made him more curious. And mischievous.

A little smirk appears on his face as he decides to give you a little surprise.

There was no way you were commenting all that without knowing he was still using this account.

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Taglist : @soupysnoopy1 @taelvvrzz @lovemashu @cookyland @bakupakuu @mokkicchi @lenachp @rateater0369

I've been really into underground lately and been really addicted to the whole "electronic" music that's been putting out lately and I've always been a fan.

it reminds me of the earlier variation we had in lockdown when everyone was listening to #brooklynbloodpop and I genuinely believe that what carried and transformed into what kind of electronic music we have these days. artists like slayr, tiffany day, fakemink, feng, echstacy, effie (to name a few that I actively keep up w) are refreshing and have a great talent when it comes to their art.

lately I've noticed how much misogyny and negativity is integrated into just being an independent artist trying to push your music out into the world.

THE MISOGYNY

I had been gatekeeping this duo I adored, and lately martin posted a song of theirs too. they're called “ear” and they're a boy-girl duo. I joke a lot about how much music matters to me and this post was initially written to discuss music itself right after martin posted their song.

as a woman and as someone who wants to make music one day, it moves me to my core when I discover there's a woman's touch behind the music I'm listening to. it's a genuine moment where I pause and reevaluate my initial approach because it's one thing to find a song you like, its another to find someone like you made it. a woman in a space making music you enjoy.

but now I'm starting to notice a pattern— the absolute misogyny, objectification and performativity directed towards every artist and some genuine listeners of this genre; and music as a whole.

music has always stood as a symbol of art, one of the purest forms of communication and expression we as people consume and create. overtime, it's become something so meaningful that we base judgement of other people off their tastes alone.

but it's getting to a point where it's almost frustrating to witness how objectifying it becomes to just make and enjoy music. if you listen to something not well known— you're a "poser,” and if you listen to something popular— you're “basic.” if you're listening to sabrina carpenter, you're “just a girl listening to girl music” if you listen to opium artists, you're not a real “fan” because a man listening to the same thing is just going to be called “different” “hard” “niche” “good taste” “knows real music”

it's gotten to the point that artists as women cannot exist in the same space as men anymore without there being a sexual undertone to their work. are the duo of "ear" in a relationship? are they not? does it matter?

why should it matter? existing and enjoying music has always been something we've done for generations; music is culture, it's a language, it is intimacy and it is love.

as I grow, I realize how many people are genuinely desperate for something to make themselves seem “interesting” or “unique” solely for the title of being. and these very people are polluting the smaller spaces like this— clinging to the very artists they consume. one can begin to think— “is there genuine enjoyment to the music they're consuming; or, is the music being consumed because it's just not popular right now?”

more on this later ^

there's a dehumanizing lens women are viewed with when it comes to enjoying music these days. it makes me want to ask the questions, why can't a woman be as successful as a man without assuming that she's sleeping her way through the industry? why can't an aspiring artist bloom like they should in an industry where experimenting should be rewarded?

ear has been one of my favorite artists for a bit. they're engaging people and they are just artists in a sea of others. they have a rawness to their craft you can gauge by watching the people behind the album covers. their music moves me to tears; but there is no space welcome for me as a woman. as a girl. people first assume my gender and sexual habits before they even take a glance at my art— what I'm here to do. it must be exhausting to be seen for what relationships I'm building when I'm in a creative space trying to share my art.

if people even gave ear a chance, they'd recognize why there's so much genuinity around their work's sound.

I don't know. this kind of shit spoils your day and your space. i hope there's a genuine change when it comes to a community like this. there's insecurity lurking in the cracks, every joke is in bad taste because it's about a woman in the industry just doing what she can. and others point and laugh because it's okay to make a joke like that when there's not a woman around.

but there are women around. there always will be, their influence is undeniable. where does so much malice come from? I don't understand. im tired of everyone craving so much "originality" they forget the entire point of creating music is recycling what was already created and making something new out of it.

this is a genuine problem in the industry and it's fanbase. we see it all the time; the primest example being performative “males” with their matcha, wired headphones and a book they don't seem interested in, just to seem appealing. poeple listening to music they don't genuinely enjoy to just seem more dynamic, or consuming media they don't really enjoy just to belong in a space.

i believe a large majority of the artists' fanbase carry this lack of personality into the space all the time. oddly enough, as discussed with misogyny, it's clear that this kind of demeaning behavior directed towards women is definitely not to find community with women— but instead with other men present.

misogynists clearly prioritize presenting an image that harms women while trying to seem accepted by other men in the community. it's a performance, in a way, to fit into a certain group and feel a sense of validation. performance takes many faces, and misogyny is only one of them.

most people don't listen to music with their ears at all.

THEREFORE; THE “PERFORMATIVE” BEHAVIOR

this part of the discussion is specific to the recent martin situation with matt proxy. to explain briefly, martin reccommended a song “knots” by proxy on weverse, which proxy didn't take too well to and started hating on cortis. I recently just said:

one can begin to think— “is there genuine enjoyment to the music they're consuming; or, is the music being consumed because it's just not popular right now?”

a common behavior many people, who aren't all the way genuine, is that they tend to engage with the content that makes them seem more interesting. but when it gauges some sort of interest or popularity, suddenly it's tainted, almost as if it's ruined. people claim it was "never good at all" that the clout was "just nostalgia bait" and it's just “old shit” rebranded. it feels like the initial liking itself was a performance to maintain until the content became mainstream, and suddenly it wasn't interesting enough to make you seem unique.

but the entire point of music is that there can only be so much uniqueness until some stuff starts repeating. that's why everyone can build their own unique sound, everyone can take what was present and create something new out of it. you can't be completely original, but you can be organic.

continuing off of this— the kpop industry was never built to be completely original, and there's no denying the amount of black influence on its growth. it exists, it is the reason the industry has excelled til this degree. there is culture woven into the very tracks that the korean entertainment industry circulates.

there have been countless moments where the industry and it's artists disrespect the exact people it takes influence from to build rap, dance and music as a whole from. blackface, misuse of AAVE, having a "hip hop" concept which doesn't pay proper tribute to the roots it's inspired from— all exist and continue to exist as kpop moves on.

it's okay to admit this. it's okay to admit that kpop is heavily influenced by black art. a lot of the times, I've noticed, when this conversation is brought up, is that a lot of people act like it's original and there's no inspiration; or that being influenced in itself is a bad thing because the influence in question it's not directly from the culture that's native to your own.

matt proxy posted these on his insta story. I agree with the message he pushes about black artists' influence on music and kpop as a whole. I just discussed this.

but from what I've noticed is that cortis has never denied any of this influence. they have been in the studio with black artists, creators and people who have inspired their voice and sound in countless ways. they have black role models, black artists who spoke for them and said they saw a talent in them. without their touch, cortis wouldn't be where and who they are. the documentary serves as a constant reminder of how much western and black influence has integrated within their art.

for proxy to claim “artists go through gruel expectations they cannot keep up with” in context of the kpop industry being exploitative, and then turn and show no empathy to the exact artists he references is downright hypocritical behavior.

as I mentioned earlier, women in spaces cannot be because everyone is too busy objectifying their existence. they do their best to make art in a space that clearly doesn't reward them as the artists they are— the need for autonomy as an artist/person lives within them and their work.

but of similar nature, i view young creators in the industry through a similar lens. they (cortis) are not women, so it's not ever going to be comparable— but I draw resemblance because of how much animosity comes from just trying to be in this space. whether as a woman or as a young artist (anyone, for that matter) trying to make it, there are so many people performing for an audience that they overlook that they were the one being supported.

martin recommended a song because it was noticable to him. it wasn't meant to be something grand, or heartfelt, or vulnerable— just “i fw this. u shd too.” that's it. the outburst from proxy, to me, seems to be a performance to fit closer into a different community he seems to be catering to, which is just plain....sad. because he got recognized for his art by another young creator in the industry doing what he is. whether martin had "75 people in a room" making music or just himself— doesn't take away from the fact that his sound was born out of some place that was honest.

no one is as unaccepting to something new as someone who has constantly curated what they deem is “suitable” for their image. that sense of control is dear when you care so much about how you're perceived. proxy doesn't care about cortis and he reacted the way he did, outwardly on his story, because it is what brings a sense of different validation— through performance.

he made good points about black influence, the kpop industry's methods of music production and artist mismanagement/mistreatment— but it all felt flat when he couldn't offer empathy to the very exact people he was sympathizing with earlier.

music is subjective and not everyone will click, so I'm not even upset proxy didn't fw cortis. but if it truly matters to you that your art reaches people and moves them, then you'd realize anyone can feel seen by your art. that includes creators doing the best they can in the industry they are already in.

quoting myself from this other rant I made here while answering an ask.

as I admire idols, I catch myself before I can let the comparison consume me. I hope that everyone can walk away from the trap that is comparison and always admire the idols for who they are— just kids in a system trying to be themselves. they're just artists trying to find what art means to them. they're not special or someone to idolize. they're people who's choices are as fragile as yours and mine. they have regrets, they have fears, they have morally grey things about them that they hide. they may not be who you think they are. to me, admiring someone is accepting all this yet still understanding why their work matters to you.

I hope people can see idols with the same grace they carry for themselves. the urge to defend yourself when you're being wronged, it's not something foreign to us. then why do we struggle to see idols as human? as people capable of the same emotions were often experiencing?

i feel for martin because this isn't the first time this has happened with him, but it comes from a place of genuinely sharing what matters to you, and I'd never encourage him to stop. it's not his fault, and he shouldn't "stop recommending songs". a lot of people joked about this after the situation, and I giggled too, I'd admit, but as I write this out, I realize why I don't truly stand with it.

funnily enough, it was martin who posted he tuned into "ear" in the SAME EXACT POST he recommended proxy in; he recced ear's recent track too. and because ear matters to me— I feel seen by that. I'll always feel seen by people trying to do what feels honest to them. even if they get hurt during it.

music is soul, it connects, it always has. there's organic people out there trying to create sound out of their ordinary lives, and I'm glad martin seems like that, I'm glad ear seems like that. it's a shame proxy didn't turn to be that way, but that's why it's important to recognize this other face performance can take. catering to an audience, talking as the hypocrisy consumes. but, just for a moment,

can we just stop performing and just listen to the fucking music?