ill pill

I feel like dying but I think I really just haven’t fully let go of my old self

Gotta write a will before I kill myself

Says ppl with bpd can possibly die by 27 due to suicide.. let’s see. 25 next year.

Everyone talks about my light but I don’t see it

I’ll never forget the day when I finally ended up in the hospital because I cut myself too deep and it would have turned out really bad if I didn’t get treated. I ended up leaving with 33 stitches. I remember waiting hours before the doctor actually came. I was with my best friend who is still my best friend till this day. Another friend came at some point.. barged in, hysterically crying and said “how could you do this to me?” Sometimes I wish I died that day. I’m tired of people thinking I cause pain to myself because I want to hurt them. I’m hurting and I don’t know how to deal with it so this is what I resorted to. I’m hurting because I’m tired and I’m tired of being a nuisance to others.

I am hurting so much right now

I'd be so content swimming in my own pool of blood right now.

It's been a while since I've written on here. I met my friends girlfriend the other day. She's so lovely. She was wearing a skirt and I noticed she had self harm scars on her inner lower legs. They looked about a week old, not too drop. My first thoughts were to talk to her about once I got to know her more or tell Al, her boyfriend. Time passes and my thoughts changes. I thought to myself "why didn't I ever think of that spot?"

I like working. It keeps me busy. I make money and spend less time thinking about hurting myself.

Every time I want to off myself I convince myself not to. Because what if I fuck up and don't go through with it? Everybody around me will just be sad. I'll mess up my new job. School. I'm so selfish for thinking like this.

It's getting later and the urge isn't going away but increasing. I don't want to. I don't want to.