In Love With Fictional Men Twice My Age

“Don’t remind me, I’m gonna puke again just thinking of it,” I groan. “Whatever, you cheated; you lose. Pay up.” I hold my palm out to the boy. He rolls his eyes and opens one of his bags, pulling out two granola bars. I took the oatmeal raisin bar.

“You always pick the worse one. Why don’t I just give you all of the gross ones and we can trade?” he asked me, judging my choice in food once again.

“Tastes better when you win it.”

“Alright, I’m up next. You’re on kid.” Michonne challenges, both she and Carl stepping up to balance on the rails.

Rick smiled and shook his head chuckling as we turned to start walking, he and I walking faster than the two using the rails as balance beams. Having eaten nothing else in over a day, I open the bar and split it in half, offering the second half to Rick, “Here.”

“Thanks.” He takes rips off a piece and pops it in his mouth, looking down at the package. “Wasn’t the other one Chocolate chip?”

“Oh shuddup. Now I got both the Grimes boys ridin my ass bout my food preferences?”

Rick glanced behind up at the other two who we falling further behind before leaning down in my ear, “if my memory serves me right, you were ridin me.” I slug him in the arm and shove him lightly as I blushed, he groaned a bit and held his arm where I’d hit him.

“Knock it off,” I laugh lightly.

“Both times actually.”

“Stop,” I give him a slightly harder nudge making him wince and groan, then laugh.

“You’re good with him.” He glances back at his son.

“It’s easy. Feels natural.”

“Sometimes it’s hard to remember. That he’s still a kid. He’s had to grow up so fast, but you give some of that back to him. Even if it means we aren’t gonna cover nearly as much ground. And I have to thank you for that,” He glances back at the other two again who were even further behind.

“It’s not like we have anywhere ta be,” I shrug. “And I know what it’s like havin ta grow up faster than ya should. I mean I didn’t have to worry about zombies and all that, but still.”

…

We had made a rough, small campsite to rest for a few days. We were making the rounds, checking the traps we had set up.

“Ya got something,” I say to Carl as I took the rabbit out of the snare. “it’s small but it’s something. Nice work. It took me forever for me to catch something when Daryl taught me, but to be fair I was six.” I watched Carl reset the trap when we heard someone yell for help. Carl took off in the direction of the noise.

I chased after him and managed to grab him before he entered a clearing where I saw a man being ripped apart by a decent sized group of walkers, “Don’t try to be a hero, not now,” I whisper as I hold him back. Since the walkers were in the direction of our sad camp, we took off the other way, back toward the tracks.

We walk for the rest of the day, and as the sun begins to set we come across an abandoned SUV. After cooking the rabbit, Michonne convinced Carl to try to get some sleep, leaving the three of us around the small fire. Michonne and Rick talk as I hold a stick in the fire, letting it catch flame just to pull it back and blow it out.

We hear branches snap and before we can react there’re guns against all three of our heads.

“Oh, dearie me. You screwed up, asshole. You hear me? You screwed up. Today is a day of reckoning, sir. Restitution. A balancing of the whole damn universe. Shit, and I was thinking of turning in for the night on New Year's Eve.” The man who has the barrel of his gun against Rick’s head laughs. “Now who's gonna count down the ball dropper with me, huh? Ten Mississippi. Nine Mississippi. Eight Mississippi.”

“Joe! Hold up.” The rough southern drawl makes my blood run cold. My back is to the street, but I know it’s my brother.

“You're stopping me on eight, Daryl.”

“Just hold up.”

“This is the guy that killed Lou, so we got nothing to talk about.” The man holding an assault rifle to my temple barks.

“The thing about nowadays is we got nothing but time. Say your piece, Daryl.”

“These people, you're gonna let 'em go. These are good people,” my brother tries to reason.

“Now, I think Lou would disagree with you on that. I'll, of course, have to speak for him and all 'cause your friend here strangled him in a bathroom.”

“You want blood, I get it.” I hear a clattering sound and Daryl steps closer, “Take it from me, man. Come on.”

“This man killed our friend. You say he's good people. See, now that right there is a lie. It's a lie!” the oldest man yells, I hear the sound of punches being thrown. And the man eggs them to continue beating Daryl.

The car door creaks open and a large man pulls Carl from the truck, pressing a knife to his throat. “No, No! Leave him alone,” I yell at him.

The barrel of the gun is shoved harder against my head, “Shh. You'll get yours. You just wait your turn.” The man above me says.

“You leave him be!” Rick yells, “Listen, it was me. It was just me.”

“See, now that's right. That's not some damn lie. Look, we can settle this. We're reasonable men. First, we're gonna beat Daryl to death. Then we'll have the girl. Take turns with the younger one, then the boy. Let him learn a few things. After you watch it all, I'm gonna shoot you and then we'll be square.”

“Let him go.” I growl. Rick throws his head back and a shot rings out, deafening me briefly. He stands up and swings at the man who knocks him back to the ground.

“I got him. Oh, it's gonna be so much worse now.” The old man laughs, “Come on, get up! Come on. Let's see what you got.” He backs off, letting rick get to his feet before charging him again. The two men are stuck in a mutual hold. I hear Carl crying and see the man groping him and starting to open Carl’s belt and pants.

“Get away from him before I—"

“What the hell are you gonna do now, sport?” Rick throws his head forward bites his throat, ripping it back covering himself in blood. In the chaos I take the chance to grab the gun against my head, pushing it away and ripping it from the man’s hands. I get to my feet and use the butt of the rifle to bash his face in, only stopping when he stops moving. I stomp down on the crushed face and feel his skull crack.

I lock eyes on the man holding Carl and pull my knife. “I'll kill him. I'll-- I'll kill him!” the man says, his voice not as confident.

“No! Get the FUCK off him!” I scream as I approach the two. He threw Carl to the ground, dropping his knife, and put his hands up. As he begins to retreat, I run and jump on him, knocking him to the ground. I don’t know how many times I stabbed him before Rick pulled me off and took my place.

I see Michonne on the ground with Carl and drop next to them. “C’mere,” hug him against me, “it’s okay, you’re okay.”

“He was gonna ra… he-” Carl stammered through tears as he shook and sobbed against me.

“I know. He can’t hurt you anymore… I’m going to fix your belt for you, okay? It’s just me, it’s Jamie. I’m not going to hurt you; I’m not going to touch you. Just your belt, I’m going to put it on. He’s dead. Nobody’s going to hurt you” I slowly fastened his belt back together, knowing it may give him some needed sense of decency, his body some protection. Luckily it did seem to have a slightly calming effect on him.

“Shh shh shh. I know, I know… he can’t hurt you, I won’t let that happen,” I kissed his head as he continued to convulse. I hold him as tight as I can as Michonne gets up, she and Daryl making sure none of the men would reanimate. Rick still stabbing the dead man who’d violated Carl.

I close my eyes and focus on holding the sobbing boy in my arms, rubbing his back to try to help calm him down. I can still hear the squelching sound of the man being stabbed. I’m vaguely aware of Daryl and Michonne talking to Rick as I try to fight flashbacks from my childhood.

…

“No. no no no, I don’t want you to- Dad! Daddy help! Help me please! Please, please stop,” I beg as I try to fight the men off of me but their grip was too strong.

My father appeared above me and slapped me across the face, “Quit it! don’t be such a little fuckin bitch, let them get their money’s worth. Yer mom didn want ya and ya aint gon live in this house without pullin yer weight! Ya hear me? and don’t you fuckin cry, nobody likes that. These men didn’t pay for some crying little bitch! So suck it up and stop embarrassing me,” he slapped me twice before apologizing to the men. I shut my eyes as one of them ripped off my clothes.

“No! please! don’t-”

…

“JJ… Jamie… Jamison!” I heard Daryl yell and felt myself being shaken. I open my eyes to see that it was dawn.

“Carl. Carl! Where’s Carl?” I begin to panic.

“Hey hey hey, s’me,” Daryl says softly, “look at me.” I look into his worried eyes, “Breathe.” He takes an exaggerated breath that I follow. “Carl’s okay, he’s with Michonne in the backseat, he’s getting some sleep.” I nod my head and wrap my arms around him.

He hugs me back and pulls me to my feet. “Thought I’d never see ya ‘gain,” I tried not to cry.

“Well ya thought wrong kid.” He pulled back and gave me a small smile. I look around for rick and find him sitting around the corner against the side of the car.

He’s completely zoned out, not acknowledging anything as I sit down next to him. “Rick?” I shake his knee slightly. He startles, jumping slightly before looking at me. “Are you alright?” he nods slightly, a hollow look still behind his eyes.

“Are you? Ya got some blood,” he tries to wipe my face but most likely just smeared more on, his hands also covered. I couldn’t help but laugh a little, but I was exhausted.

“I’m gonna check on Carl.” I stood up and climbed into the back of the vehicle, leaning against the back of the backseat that Carl and Michonne occupied. “He okay?”

“Yeah, he’s knocked out pretty hard… are you okay? You woke up screaming…” she looked at me sincerely.

“Nightmare. I haven’t had em in a while but after last night, seeing that man with Carl… brought back some shit.”

“Were you…” I nodded in response to the gentle question.

“Mm Hm…a lot…the first time, I’d just turned five. I hadn’t even lived with my dad for a while day,” I said softly.

“So that belt trick’s yours?”

I nodded, “yeah, the pressure of it makes ya more aware of your clothes, that you’re covered, a small sense of security.”

“What’s going on?”

“There’s men in the house.”

“Where’s my dad?” Carl whispers nervously.

“Inside.”

“O- okay so what do we do?” Carl takes a deep breath, staying calm.

I hear shots coming from the direction of the house, we all suck in a deep breath. I sigh in relief when we see Rick running towards us with a rifle, “Go, go, go, go,” he commands quietly. We all run in the opposite direction for a few blocks, only stopping when we reach some train tracks. I took the chance to sit down and get out my shoes, putting them on. With the sun shining down I take off the snapback hat that had been clipped around the strap of the backpack I had found.

“Everyone alright?” Rick asks, breathing heavily.

“Yeah, yeah, we’re good. What happened?” Michonne asked.

“I don’t know, they just showed up. How’d you get out?” he looked at me as I zipped up my backpack and stood back up.

“Roof, then a tree.”

“We should keep moving, in case they come this way,” Carl speaks up.

“Good idea,” Rick agrees and we start down the tracks, picking a direction blindly. We walk pretty quietly for a while, Michonne and I holding back a bit as Rick and Carl talk a bit.

“Rick looks better,” she mentions.

“I tried to patch him up the best that I could,” I shrug.

“That include the hickey on his neck?” she leans closer and whispers, grinning knowingly at me.

“Don’t start…” I roll my eyes at her.

She smiles at me and laughs, “s’about goddamn time.” I raise my eyebrow at her, “oh, everybody knows.”

“I knew that Carol knew… and Beth, but everybody?”

“Okay, most people… well, some people…I did.”

“Whatever,” I scoff and we go back to walking in silence.

After walking for a couple of hours, we come across a strange sign. Sanctuary for all. Community for all. Those who arrive survive. There was a map of the railroads, leading to a circled area with Terminus written besides it.

I’m the first to speak, “I don’t know about this… seems sketchy.”

“Yeah, but… if whoever else made it out and sees this, maybe that’s where they’ll head.” Michonne points out.

“It looks pretty far, so we don’t need ta decide right now.” Rick says and we continue walking since the sun was still up.

Rick and Michonne begin discussing when and where we should set up camp.

“Hey JJ, Do you think the others made it?” Carl asked me.

“Some of them must have, we were some of the last to leave. And I didn’t see anyone, or their bodies..”

“Yeah but we saw…” Carl gulped.

“I know, but I think that if anybody made it out, Jude was one of them. We didn’t see her. It would’ve been easier to carry her on her own if they were on foot. I don’t know about after that, but nobody would’ve left her, and she couldn’t get out of that car seat herself.”

“Yeah… maybe…” he said quietly.

I slung my arm around his shoulder loosely, “Hey, we’re gonna be okay. Even if it’s just the four of us.” I pat his shoulder and remove my arm.

“I know the chances of my sister making it aren’t great. I bet Daryl did, and will… he’s better at this than any of us.”

“let’s just hope they both made it… and if he has the little ass kicker she will be just fine.”

“He’ll make her eat gross stuff though,” he scoffed lightly.

I looked over at the boy and chuckled, “you’re right, he definitely will.”

“Alright then,” I smile, “what would you have? If you could have any food in the world. Right now. What would it be?”

He poked his cereal and thought for a moment, “maybe pizza?”

I chewed my cereal before responding, “okay but now the important question, what kind?”

“Pepperoni, duh.”

“Can’t argue with that” I take another bite. “When I was little, whenever Merle got locked up, Daryl would come home and take me to get pizza. But he always got the nastiest shit on it.”

“Like what?”

“Oh god, basically everything. he’d have them like pile it on. The worst part was anchovies, and mushrooms.”

“Ew, aren’t anchovies basically chum?” He laughed.

“Yeah so I would be like six and all excited that my big brother was home taking me out for food, and I think I threw up every other visit. But it never stopped him from ordering it the next time.” I laughed at the memory. “That man will eat just about anything you put in front of him and try to convince you that it not that bad.”

We both turned when Michonne entered the room, having found some new clothes. Carl snickered quietly, forcing himself to eat a bite of cereal.

“Do you have something to say about my extremely comfortable and attractive shirt?”

“No, no, no. It looks great.”

“Ya missed a button,” I loudly whispered to her.

She fixed the shirt before pouring herself some cereal. “I wish we had some soy milk.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes, seriously.”

“Missing fruit doesn’t seem so bad now does it?”

Michonne rolled her eyes at us, “Have you ever tried it?”

“Do I look like someone who’s tried it? Been broke my whole life, couldn’t afford normal milk.”

“My best friend in third grade, he was allergic to dairy. And every day he would bring this soy stuff to lunch. I tried it.”

“And?”

“I threw up,” Carl laughed, causing both of us to as well.

“Oh, yeah, right.” Michonne said, unconvinced.

“All right, all right. I almost threw up. But I was like, ugh,” he pretended to throw up making the two of us laugh. “Seriously! It was so gross. I mean, literally, I would rather have powdered milk than to have to drink that stuff again. I would rather have Judith's formula-” his face dropped when he said her name.

“Carl,” I tried to comfort him but he brushed me off.

“I'm gonna go finish my book. I have a couple chapters left.” He muttered as he ran upstairs.

Michonne and I looked at each other, both of us feeling bad but neither knowing what to do. After a few seconds we get up and move to the living room, bringing rick a bowl of the dry, stale cereal.

“Thank you. I heard him laughing in here… Almost forgot what that sounded like. I can't be his father and his friend. He needs you two for that. I know that's a lot to throw at you. So if you're ever feeling like you need a break...”

“He’s always been easy to be around. He’s family, has been since we met.” Michonne nodded as I spoke.

“So what's the plan? This place, is it home or just a stop along the way?”

“Well… let's just stay here while we figure it out.”

“We'll need more supplies. I'll go with Carl and get some.” Michonne volunteered.

“I'll come, too.” Rick tries to stand up but Michonne puts her arm out.

“No you aren’t. You were almost a walker yesterday, you’re resting.” I say firmly to him.

“We’ll go, be back in a few hours.”

After getting a short lecture about listening to Michonne and playing it safe, Carl and her walked out of the door, leaving Rick and I alone.

Alone was not something that Rick and I were very often. After the people from Woodbury moved into the prison, alone time was something that any and everybody had to try to find. It wasn’t something that Rick and I had never tried to find.

Honestly, things between us were weird, not uncomfortable, but we had never spoken about it since the prison when we’d hooked up. I don’t think either of us, nor anyone else, knew what we were.

“Seriously, I want to thank you for… well, everything with Carl. You really don-”

“Rick, shut up before I hit you. I’ve told you before and I’ll say it again, it’s nothing.” I look over at him on the couch next to me. I gently reached out, placing my hand on his chin to turn his head so I could check his wounds. “That one eyed son of a bitch really got ya good.” He doesn’t say anything and I look at his eyes only to see them gazing back at me.

I look down at my hands, trying and probably failing to hide the blush on my cheeks. “Yer cute when ya do that. Try to hide that you’re blushing, it never works. You’re too pale.” All of my body heat floods to my face and I try to find something to look at, biting back the smile that wants to spread over my face.

“He must’ve got you better than I thought. You may have a brain injury.” I joke, trying to deflect the compliments.

“I don’t think so.” He chuckled and grabs one of my hands.

We look at each other and he leans over, pressing his swollen lips to mine gently. I hesitantly kiss back, not wanting to hurt his bruised face.

As if he can read my mind he pulls away and smirks at me, “Don worry so much. Ya aren’t gonna break me.” I just stare into him impossibly blue eyes. “C’mere,” he can’t pull me, but nudged me with his injured arm to sit over him. I keep most of my weight on my knees as I straddle his lap. He reached his hand up to my face and pulls me into another kiss. He puts more effort and energy into it which I return, welcoming his tongue into my mouth, greeting it with my own.

I hum happily against his lips as he lets out a content sigh. I pull away with a lazy smile and get off of his lap. I offer out my hand, “C’mon, let’s get you patched up now that you’re awake.”

I pull him off of the couch and take him upstairs to where there was a master bathroom. Standing in the mostly white bathroom really exposed how dirty all of us were. But that had become the norm what felt like a lifetime ago.

I unbutton Rick’s tattered shirt and see the large, dark bruise on his left ribs. I pull out the box I had found before and grab the two ace bandages that lived in it. “It’s really not that-” he flinched and breathed in sharply as I lightly hold the end of the bandage near the bruise.

“Shut up and let me help you.”

He shakes his head and chuckles at me as I wrap his torso. When I done, I walk into the bedroom and find an extra sheet. I pull my knife and cut it into long strips. Grabbing one of them, I return to the bathroom.

“Hand,” I hold mine out and Rick holds his injured hand out. I wrap it the best I can.

“Ya done makin me a mummy?”

“I think so.” I step back and look at him.

“Don think I ever asked ya how you know how to bandage just about anything. Even when we don’t have the right stuff, it’s impressive.” He asked as he followed me back into the bedroom, stretching his injured shoulder, seeing how far it can move.

“Had a couple violent boyfriends, had a very violent father, but never the money to go to the doctor. I just kinda figured out what got the job done,” I shrugged before sitting on the bed.

I turned around to see Rick holding a new shirt he was about to put on. “Jamie… I’m so sorry.” He said softly as he sat on the edge of the bed in front of me.

“Don’t be, ya had nothing to do with it, and it’s over now,” I played with my fingers. Rick lightly took one of my hands in his.

I look up to see a him looking at me like I was an injured puppy. “Don’t look at me like that…” I smiled softly, “I should be sorry. It’s why I… look, I like you Rick, a lot. Have for a long time. Back at the prison when we… I meant what I said about bein there for Carl. But part of me also got scared. Not of you, but that ya liked me and wanted ta be with me… I don’t know how ta be with someone that’s actually a good person.” I had dropped my gaze back down to my lap.

“Jamie…” he said softly, he climbed further onto the bed, string in the middle with me. “Hey, look at me.” He lightly grabbed my chin and tipped my head up to face him. “I’ve had my eyes on you for a long time, even before Lori-… I didn’t, I don’t wanna push you into anythin… we can just, be… us. See what happens. Back at the prison… You made the right call,” he said sincerely. “It didn’t feel great and a lot harder after that night… but it would’ve been a lot worse if there wasn’t all the other shit to deal with,” he chuckled, “it was the right call. But now…”

“…now?”

“Now I don’t see a point in trying to pretend that I’m not crazy about you… I mean there’s still Carl but, after everything else that’s just happened, after the others… I’d rather not ignore this, unless you don’t-”

I reached out to cup his face, moving my thumb over his cheekbone lightly. We both leaned in and our lips met lightly. He cupped my jaw and the kiss slowly got more intense, both of us moaning lightly into it. I quickly found myself wishing he wasn’t injured. My hand found his chest and I lightly explored the naked skin.

I pressed my thighs together, trying to find myself a tiny bit of relief. He seemed to notice this, moving to kiss my neck and taking my hand, guiding it lower until it rested on his crotch. He squeezed himself with his hand over mine, letting me feel the effect I was having on him.

“You’re hurt,” I mumble, pulling my hand away slowly. He grabbed my hips and moved me gently. I took his cues and straddled his lap. Once my leg was over his he grabbed my face again, pulling me with him as he laid down. I held myself over him.

He presses his hips up against my core and a small whimper escaped my lips and I blushed, embarrassed that my body was showing its desperation for this type of contact. He reached up and tucked a loose section of hair behind my ear. “You won’t hurt me. Even if you do, I wouldn’t care… unless you don’t want-”

I leaned down to kiss him, cutting him off. “I’ve wanted this for so long,” I assured him, “it’s just, I don’t want to accidentally make anything worse.”

“Then go slow,” he smirked up at me. He ran his hands under my shirt, pushing it up my sides.

I sat back and pulled it off, deciding to go all out and take my bra off at the same time. I heard him gasp softly below me, “Jamie…” he slowly ran his hands over a some of the scars on my body.

“Sorry, I know it’s not pretty,”

“Don’t. Don’t say that. You’re beautiful,” he ran his bandages hand up my abdomen, kneading one of my breasts when he reached it.

I leaned over him and connected our lips again, trying to keep as much of my weight off of him as I can. His other hand found it’s home on my hip as I roll my hips down against his. “Fuck Jay.”

I kissed down his neck gently, scooting myself lower as I moved down his body, working his belt open when I reached it. I nuzzled my face against the bulge in his pants before I grabbed the waist band and pulled them down along with his boxers.

“Christ,” he gasped as I took his balls in my mouth, stroking him gently. I picked up the underside of his cock, flicking my tongue against the bottom of the head. “Fuck,” he moaned as I took him in my mouth, struggling to deep throat him due to his size and our position but tried none the less.

“Jamie,” he ran his bandaged hand through my hair, “it’s been a long time… since we… m’not gonna last long if ya keep doing that,” he groaned. I pulled off of him, licking his slit before giving one last suck to the top.

I look up to see the man breathing heavily, staring me down. I sit up to slip off my shorts and underwear. “Don’t worry, it’s been a long time for me too…was a long time before the watchtower.”

I break the kiss to move down a little, lining him up before slowly beginning to sink down onto him. We both let out a breathy moan, sure we had the one quickie in the watch tower but it wasn’t t he same. Plus it had been a long while before the outbreak since I had had sex, especially any that had any positive feelings behind it. With Rick I truly wanted it. I needed it. I slowly began to rock my hips against his. “Fuck,” I groaned as I ground against him. He held my hips and began to meet me half way, keeping a relatively slow but steady pace.

“God your tight, fuckin perfect.” I lean forward and kiss him. He begins to weakly thrust up into me, the new angle quickly building my orgasm.

“Fuck Rick,” I moan and bury my head in his neck.

I kiss and suck lightly at the pulse in his neck, as I get closer and closer. I breath heavily against his skin as I feel my climax begin to wash over me, I bite down on his shoulder, just enough to muffle myself as I ride out my high.

I clench around him and his rhythm begins to falter. I push myself up again and put more effort into riding him, drawing him towards his own release. He slows down, relinquishing control as he grabbed at my chest, tweaking my nipple making me moan. I look down and notice his gaze locked on my chest, making me a little self-conscious. He must’ve noticed that I noticed him staring because he looks at me with kind eyes. “These… god, your body… everything about you is perfect.” He rasps in between low moans. “Jay… I’m gon,” he tossed his head back and let out a guttural moan. He took my face in both hands and pulled me in to kiss me softly as he moved up against me weakly.

I rolled off and laid down next to him, “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that again.” I laid on my side and look at him.

“I think I’ve got a pretty good idea… and just wait til I’m healed, I’ll prove it to ya,” He smirked at me.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he says lowly with a smirk.

I lean over him and kiss him softly, “l look forward to it.” I kiss him quickly again, “I’m gonna get dressed.”

“Probably not the worst idea,” he sighed before trying to sit up, letting out a pained groan.

“Here, let me help.” I walk around the bed and try to get him sit up without putting too much strain on his ribs.

“Thank you.”

“Of course,” I grab my clothes and pulled them back on. I took my hair down to throw it back up into a messy bun. I look up to see Rick sitting on the bed watching me. “What?” I look down, seeing if I was forgetting something.

“Nothing… you’re just…beautiful. I don’t know how I got so lucky.”

“I’m wearing a shirt I stole from a teenage boy who’s probably dead,” I raise my eyebrow and smile at him, “And I’m about to go raid his closet to steal even more.” I hear him laugh as I leave the room.

After I shove a few band shirts into a backpack I heard the front door bust open and the sound of multiple men. I go to find Rick but right as I reach the door to the hallway, I hear the sound of heavy boots coming up the stairs. I panic and scurry back into the room, looking for a place to hide. I notice a window that’s cracked open that lead to part of the roof and run to it.

“Damn, this kid had it made,” I hear a deep voice say right as I get around the window onto a blind spot on the roof. I can’t hear anything but my heart beat flooding my ears, trying to keep my breathing quiet. All I can do is wait, stay quiet, hope that they don’t stay long, and leave in a direction that they can’t see me. Down the street I hear Michonne’s familiar laugh in the distance. Shit.

Tag list: @duckybird101

The first building we come upon reminds me of all the shitty places I had spent too much of my time. There’s a couple cars and abandoned motorcycles out front. We head to the door and all three of us draw our guns.

“Wait outside, okay? Keep watch,” Rick tells Carl.

“You keep watch,” Carl spits back, “You can barely stand. Jamie’s had to help you make it this far. I'm not gonna let her have to do it alone just cause you can’t help.”

“Excuse me?”

“Just let him, I doubt there’s much.” I tell Rick. When we clear out the small diner, only finding one walker, I head outside to loot the cars. There wasn’t much, only a cheap drawstring backpack, two almost empty water bottles and a granola bar. I head inside to find that they boys had found minimal food, but at least we weren’t walking away with nothing.

“There’s a house, we should hole up there. Even if it’s just for the night.” We walk over to the home and make our way inside, guns drawn. I don’t say anything when Carl takes a turn into a different room, confident that he can take care of himself, or that we could quickly get to him if he got into trouble.

“Carl.” Rick scolds when he sees his son down the hall.

“I got it. All the doors down here are open.”

“Just stop!”

“Rick,” I warn.

Carl rolls his eyes at his dad and hits the wall and calls out into the home, “Hey asshole! Hey shitface! Hey-”

“Watch your mouth!” Rick yells at him.

“Are you kidding me? If there's one of them down here, they would have come out.”

“Why don’t you see what’s down here, we can clear the second floor.” I say softly. Rick looks down at me but his expression is hard to read due to how beat up his face was. He eventually nods lightly. “Okay, lets go,” I look at Carl and nod towards the stairs.

Once we’re up there we split the rooms, trying to clear it quickly. When I’m done, I walk into the room carl was in. It had clearly been the room of a teen boy: posters, video games, and just about anything someone carl’s age could want.

“Damn, this kid had everything,” I walk around and look at the different items.

“Yeah, but it’s all pointless now.”

“Still,” I read the different band and movie posters plastered on the walls.

I hear the video game cases clatter and turn to see Carl ripping the out the cables from the tv and gaming consoles. He doesn’t say anything before heading down the stairs. I snoop around a bit until I hear furniture being pushed and head back downstairs to help

“It's a strong knot. Clove hitch. Shane taught me. Remember him?”

“Yeah, I remember him. I remember him every day... There something else you want to say to me?” Carl doesn’t answer, only helps push the couch up against the door.

Rick sits down, wheezing worse than before, pulling out a small bag of pork rinds they had found and holds it out to Carl, “You gonna have some? You should eat.”

“We should save it,” the boy says bitterly before walking away.

“Hey!” Rick shouts after him.

“Rick,” I stop him gently before he can run after Carl. “let’s just give him a little space. I know he’s being a dick but he needs us to back off a little and You need to rest.” Even in the dark I can see him looking me in the eyes before taking a deep breath and nodding. “Jus, lay down. Try n get some sleep.”

I help lower him onto the couch, trying to help him find a comfortable position with his injuries. “Stay?” he croaks out softly.

“of course.” I give a small smile and sit on the ground next to the couch. He weakly puts his hand on my shoulder. I place a soft kiss on it and look over at him, “We’re gonna be okay.”

It didn’t take long for him to fall asleep, part of me was nervous in case he had a concussion but I knew that his body needed it. I close my eyes but don’t let myself fall asleep.

“Want me to make you a bed?” Carl asked as he came back in the room and made himself a makeshift cot from the couch cushions on the floor.

“Thanks, but I’ll stay up. Just in case.”

“Suit yourself.” He lays down and pulls a blanket over himself.

---

By the time the morning comes I’m exhausted. “You can go to bed.” I hear carl say as he wakes up. “I’ll keep an eye out.”

“Okay, just come get me if you need to.” I stand up, opting to sleep in one of the real beds upstairs.

“You aren’t going to fight me?” he seems surprised that I didn’t challenge him.

“Nah. Look, Carl. I know that you know how to survive, how to stay reasonably safe. Your dad knows that too.” He scoffs. “He does. Yer his kid though, so part of ‘im will always see ya as that. He just wants to help ya be a kid, have some reminisce of a childhood, not have ta grow up so fast. Even if the world requires it.” He only nods and stares at his feet. “I’ll be upstairs. Come get me for any reason, especially if yer dad gets worse.”

“JJ?” I look at him from the bottom of the stair case, “Thanks.”

“of course. And I mean it, wake me for anythin.” I smile before walking up the stairs and head for the main bedroom, climbing in the bed without taking anything off. It didn’t take long for me to fall asleep.

I didn’t know how long I had been asleep but the house was quiet. I wander back into the teenage boy’s bedroom and shift through the clothes that were left, finding an oversized Led Zeppelin shirt and swapping it for the disgusting T-shirt that was stained with sweat, dirt, blood, and who knows what else. I’m at the top of the stairs when I hear Carl’s voice.

“I kill three walkers… They were at the door. They were gonna get in, but I lured them away. I killed them. I saved you. I saved you. I didn't forget while you had us playing farmer. I still know how to survive. Lucky for us... I don't need you anymore. I don't need you to protect me anymore. I can take care of myself. At least Jamie sees it. You probably can't even protect us anyways. You couldn't protect Judith. You couldn't protect m-… Hershel or Glenn or Maggie. Michonne, Daryl… or Mom. You just wanted to plant vegetables. You just wanted to hide! He knew where we were and you didn't care! At least Daryl, Michonne and Jamie tried to hunt him down! You just hid behind those fences and waited for… They're all gone now. Because of you! They counted on you! You were their leader! But now you're nothing.” I can hear him sniffling and know that he’s upset. Part of me is scared and angry that he went out alone without telling me, but he was back. He was alive. And he was upset, reasonably so.

I walk slowly down the stairs right as carl says, “I'd be fine if you died.”

“Carl?” I ask before walking down the last few steps louder, wanting Carl to think that he had his outburst in private.

“What?!” He snaps at me, the teenage attitude showing.

“Y’alright?”

“Yeah,” he lied, “I’m fine.” He mutters.

“Is he?” I look past him to see Rick still unconscious on the couch.

“He hasn’t woken up.” Despite how he had been yelling at his father, there was still something in his voice that gave away that he was worried about him.

“I’ll sit with him. Make sure he doesn’t turn for the worse.” I sit down next to Rick and look over at the boy who was still upset. “wanna go check the house next door?”

He looks shocked as he turns to look at me, “thought you were gonna sit with him?”

“Drop the attitude with me yeah? m’not yer dad. And you can do it if you want. Or I can come too.”

“No, I can do it.”

“Okay but look at me,” I make sure I have his attention. “Be safe. Use your knife before your gun. Be more careful than you want to be. Take it slow, keep your eyes and ears open. Come back before the sun begins to set. Come back alive.”

“Okay,” he nodded, a smile threatening to show.

“And just next door, scream if you get in trouble. I’ll come.” He nods in agreement and I hand him the bag we had in case he found anything. “Food, water bottles, weapons, bags, medical supplies. Even if you don’t know what it is, bring it back and maybe it’ll help.” He gives another nod and heads out.

I sigh and look at rick. He doesn’t look worse than before, but only because his body is relaxed in his unconscious state. I sigh and stand up, deciding to follow my own advice and raid the bathrooms for anything that might help. I’m able to find a few stray band aids and an old bottle of rubbing alcohol that didn’t have much left. I find a hand towel and I take everything back to rick and try to figure out what would be the best use of things would be. I cover his eyes with the towel while I pour some of the alcohol over the deepest cut on his forehead. He doesn’t even flinch, showing how deeply unconscious he was. I cleaned it the best that I could and put a few band-aids on it, trying to pull the two sides together in leu of stitches.

I use the rest of the alcohol and the towel to clean some of his other cuts. His breathing was light and shallow. I sat down and held his wrist in my hand, his pulse was hard to find, but it was there.

After a long time sitting there feeling his pulse, I stand up to go find Carl. I know better than to yell for him so I check the few houses next to the one we were in, unable to find him. I begin to panic and quickly walk down the street. I’m about to call out for him when I see him, sitting on a roof with a giant can in his lap.

“I said the house next door, Ya scared the shit outta me.” I say as I look up at him, smiling so he knows I’m not really that upset.

“Sorry.”

“Come on down, we should go back. Stick together.” He nods and climbs back through a nearby window and it isn’t long until he walks out the front door with a bag.

“Whatcha got there?” I point at the can still in his arms.

“Pudding.” He says sheepishly making me laugh. “I grabbed you a spoon.” We walk the short distance to the front yard of the home rick was in and sit down. Carl put the bag down and pulls out a second spoon, handing it to me before putting the can between us.

“I bet I can eat more than you,” I nudge him. I knew I was probably wrong, especially since a large amount was already gone, but a lighthearted competition might bring a much-needed distraction.

“Oh you’re on,” Carl grins at me as he eats a giant spoonful.

Far too much pudding later, dusk had set in and my stomach felt like it was going to explode. Sure enough, when we stood to walk inside, I only made it a few steps before throwing up most of the pudding.

“I already won, but now I definitely won. None of that counts,” He teases me.

“oh shuddup,” I shove his arm playfully before we make our way inside.

We sit on the floor near Rick, Carl showing me what he had found. We freeze as we hear Rick let out a raspy groan and his arm jerks. He groans again, reaching out for us. I wrap my arm around Carl and scoot away but try to keep my composure for Carl’s sake, who was breathing heavily and on the verge of tears as he pulls his gun, trembling and pointing it at his father. Knowing that he had been the one to put his mother down, I take the gun from him, keeping it trained at the man who was either waking up or reanimating. “Just… do it… I can’t… just… please,” Carl whimpers. I can’t begin to imagine how he’s feeling.

“Carl,” Rick wheezes, the name was hard to make out. I let out a breath and lower the gun, keeping it in my hand. Rick reaches out with more force and falls halfway off the couch towards us. I feel Carl scoot slightly behind me, holding onto my arm. “Don… go… outside. Stay…safe.” Rick breathes out, collapsing in front of us.

With shaky hands I drop the gun and move to place his head in my lap, checking for his pulse and his breathing.

“Jamie?” Carl’s voice is shaky, barely holding it together. “JJ, I’m scared,” he admits.

I take a big shaky breath, sniffle, and wipe the tears that had flooded my eyes. “Me too. C’mere,” I reach my arm out and wrap it around the boy, holding him against me. He lets me and moves closer to me, leaning into my shoulder. He takes a stuttered breath before his body begins to shake and he lets himself cry into my shirt.

“I was wrong. I can’t…. I need you guys… I need him… I’m scared” He waivers and begins to sob as I shift his dads head slowly to the floor so I can properly wrap my arms around Carl, letting the boy sob against me.

“I know, that’s okay. I’m scared too,” I admit as I rub his back, trying to soothe him. “It’s alright, we’re gonna figure this out. He’s still alive, we’ll do everything we can to help him get better. But if anything does happen, You and I are going to figure this out… I’m not going anywhere. Okay?”

After he begins to calm down, I convince Carl to try to get some sleep. With him curled up on his makeshift bed, I check on Rick. I’d moved the rest of his body to the floor and kept his head elevated in my lap. His pulse was still weak, but felt stronger than before. His breathing still shallow. I look over at the teenager who was sound asleep, undoubtably exhausted physically and emotionally. He was a tough kid, stronger than most of us in many ways, but every now and then his mask slipped, revealing that deep down, a part of him was just that: a kid.

When the sun was beginning to rise, the injured man lying on the floor took a deep breath, groaning as his eyes slowly opened. “Carl?” He croaked and tried to sit up to quickly, still unsteady.

“Shh, it’s okay. Carl’s okay, he’s asleep. He’s right there,” I placed my hand on his chest, trying to stop him from moving too quickly.

He laid back down and stared up at me blankly, almost confused, “Jay?”

“Yeah Rick, it’s me.”

“Thank you. For watching out for him.”

“It’s nothing, y’all are my family. Cmon, let’s get you up.” I help him sit up slowly, leaning against the couch.

It wasn’t long until Carl woke up as well, looking over at us confused before he gave me a small smile. He came over to sit with us, “I went out…found more food.” He admitted to his father.

“You shouldn't have risked it, going out there like that. It's dangerous.”

“I told him he could, just the house next door.” I narrowed my eyes at him, telling him we were going to stick to that story.

“I was careful.”

“Well, it's good that you found more food.”

“I found even more. But I ate it.” Carl said sheepishly.

“What was it?”

“112 ounces of pudding.” Rick raised an eyebrow at him and chuckled.

“You didn’t miss much,” I laugh lightly.

“Yeah, Jamie threw up.” Carl smirked. Rick turned to me and gave me a confused look.

“Y’alright?” He asked, clearly concerned.

“It was her fault. She challenged me to see who could eat more.” Rick looked between the two of us and shook his head laughing.

“I know we'll never get things back to the way they used to be… I only clung to that for you. For Judith. Now she's gone. And you- you're a man, Carl. You're a man now and I'm sorry.”

“You don't need to be.” Carl smiled at his dad.

Tag list: @duckybird101

“They aren’t that bad.”

“No. they aren’t. I’ve just gotten used to it bein our makeshift family.”

“S’not like that’s changed, there’re just more people around now.”

“Still, it somehow feels lonelier with all of them around.” I take the last drag before snubbing out my cigarette, holding the smoke as long as I could.

“It doesn’t have to be,” I blow out the smoke to the opposite side of Rick and see him gazing back at me. He leans in and presses his lips against mine. The way he kissed was intoxicating. We scoot back away from the edge and he moves to pull me into his lap. We kiss for a minute before pulling away slightly. I reach my hand up to cup his jaw, rubbing my thumb against his short beard.

“Rick…” I moan as he moves his lips to my neck and his hands to my ass. He pulls me closer and I can feel the effect that every thing was having on him. My hands ran up his chest and I began to unbutton his shirt. Our lips met again, we both fought weakly for dominance over the kiss. Rick reached for the buttons of my shorts and I let him undo them, although he probably could already feel how wet I was. “Fuck it, I want you.” I gave in to my desire in a husky voice.

I moved off of his lap enough to pull one leg out of my shorts. When I reached for his belt he covered my hands with one of his own. “We don’t have to. I mean I sure as hell want to but I know what you said and-”

“Rick. Shut up and fuck me before I change my mind.” I kiss him roughly as I pull open his belt. He pulls his pants and boxers down enough release himself. I take a moment to spit on my hand and give him a few strokes, taking in the sight of him, all of him.

He holds my hips as I move back into his lap and line myself up with him. It had been a while since I had been with anyone so I slowly lower myself down on him, relishing in the feeling of being stretched. I drop my head on his shoulder and we both let out a moan when he’s fully inside of me. His grip on my hips tighten as he guides me up and down.

“Fuck James,” he throws his head back against the concrete wall when I pick up the pace, alternating between bouncing and rocking on him, selfishly seeking my own release first. I guide one of his hands up under my shirt for him to grab at my breast. He tucks his hand into my bra and tweaks my nipple making me moan.

“God Rick, I’m gonna” I gasp as it all becomes too much and I clench tightly around him. He thrusts up into me as I bite down on the shoulder of his shirt.

He maneuvers our bodies until I’m laying beneath him and he rolls his hips into me. We manage to stay relatively quiet, panting and moaning against each others lips. “Fuck, I’m gonna cum,” Rick says, giving a few fast and hard thrusts into me before pulling out and shooting his cum on my stomach where my shirt had been pulled up. We both catch our breath before he grabs his discarded shirt and wipes off the mess he had made.

We don’t say anything as we get redressed and sit back against the outer wall of the guard tower.

“That was,” he let out a content sigh, “but I get that we can’t…I know this can’t happen again…” he sighs.

“Rick… It’s not that I don’t want this… or you… cause… I do. Fuck, I really do. I mean hell, I’ve wanted to do that since the day I met you… but I…I just don’t think that it’s right for us to be together right now. I mean it’s not-”

“Fair. I know,” he sighs and scoots back a bit, running his hand through his hair.

“I’m sorry. I really am, but… we’re all he has. The new people? There are some closer in age, but they only make him feel like an outsider… maybe someday you and I could… but not now…” I shake my head and look at him sympathetically, “I’m sorry.”

He nodded and gave me an understanding smile, “Don’t be, you’re right. I know you are…guess you’re better at putting my son first than I am.” he laughed.

“No, don’t say that. You’re an great dad Rick, you lead all of these people… you’re overall an amazing guy. We couldn’t ask for more”

“Yeah, I dunno about that…” l pull his face to look at me and kiss him shortly.

“You are.”

“Then I’d probably been the one to see that this’d be unfair to Carl and backed off before ever kissing you.”

“No, no. You’re the fuckin best. You just have a lot on your plate. My main job when I’m not on runs is helping out with your kids. You’re helping him, protecting him from being broken by the world outside of here. He and I just have a different relationship, he isn’t my kid. He’s your son and he’s my friend, and as much as I like you, and loved that… I think he needs us to just be those things and us being together would muddy the water.”

“Thanks… you’re right ” he smiled, “I should probably head back.” I stand up with him and head inside.

“Rick,” I say softly, making him turn around. I give him a peck on the lips and a sad smile, “Is this gonna change anything? Between us?”

“I hope not.” He smiled, “Night Jay.”

“Good night Rick.”

Taglist: @duckybird101

“So that’s like… a Dixon thing? Not having friends?” He laughs when I roll my eyes.

“Wouldn’t that make you a Dixon too?” I poke back at him.

“Fair enough, but at least I have the excuse of not knowing people my age.” He laughed but there was a hint of sadness in the air, because he was right. “We have each other though. Right?”

“til the day we die kid.” I smile at him, elated that he felt that way. Since I met him, I’d always tried to spend time with him, try to act how friends did before the world went to shit, having dumb arguments, harmless teasing, not focusing solely on our survival. It began as a tactic to distract him, Sophia, and the other kids at the quarry, try to lower their level of fear, but when carl was the only one left, I wanted to make sure he didn’t feel alone.

We sit in a comfortable silence for a while, playing with Judith. I stared off at the fence; the walkers trying to come in, one of the newer men struggling to put them down as quickly as we always had.

“Can I ask you something?” Carl said out of the blue.

“’Course. Shoot.”

“What are your tattoos for? Or are they like, just to look cool?”

I rolled around my right arm that was heavily covered in aspects of nature, dark trees covered my upper arm, my forearm a field of wildflowers separated by a stream that twisted around my elbow area. “All of this is a couple different things, both Daryl and I would escape to the woods to get away from our dad, he was a bad drunk. We didn’t live together but it ended up being something he’d also done growing up. And it covers so much skin because my boyfriend at the time hurt me a lot and this way, I wouldn’t have to see the bruises and scars as much. Plus, I just think it’s pretty,” I smiled.

“The little ones mean more though,” I splayed out my left hand and held it out to him. “This one was my first. I was…thirteen? I had run away and ended up running into Daryl at a party that Merle’d dragged him to. We found a tattoo gun in the house and gave each other little stars.” I laughed, “it was so dumb and how we didn’t catch anything or get an infection I don’t know. But Daryl was shit face drunk and I was a kid that wasn’t about to turn down the opportunity to get a tattoo. The K on my pinky was for Kate, she was my best friend my whole life, she’s got a match J.”

“What about the ones on your wrist?”

“They’re for my kids.”

“Wait, you have… I mean, had kids?” I gave a small sad smile and nodded.

“Kind of, but I lost them before everything happened, but it’s all okay. The E is for Elisabeth, she was my first. I was barely fifteen when she was born and I knew I couldn’t raise her, so I gave her up for adoption. I met the family, they were really nice, and they let me name her so I named her after my mom.”

Carl was staring at my wrist, not saying anything. “And then the lines are tally marks, one for each time I was pregnant. I had Elisabeth at fifteen, then got pregnant at seventeen. I had an abortion. I didn’t really want to, but in knew that I couldn’t raise the baby and my boyfriend at the time was only getting scarier, threatening to do it himself. And a few years ago, about a year before the outbreak, I had a miscarriage after being beat up really bad.”

“Way ta bum me out,” Carl sighed somewhat sarcastically making me laugh.

“Just answered your questions,” I flipped off his hat.

“Hey! Asshole,” he laughed.

“Carl! Language.” Rick scolds as he walked over. I tried not to, but I couldn’t help but stare. There was something about the way he walked, the way he looked down at us, that made my heart beat faster.

“Blame JJ, it’s how she talks.”

“Yeah well,” he sat down and took Judith in his lap, “She’s an adult and also not my son,” Rick flicked the brim of Carl’s hat.

“Both of you are assholes,” Carl got up with an exaggerated groan making both of us laugh.

Judith wouldn’t settle in her father’s lap and wiggled in his grasp, reaching out for me. Rick passed her over to me.

“I should probably be spending more time with her, not making you n Beth-”

“Don’t, it’s nothing. I love this kid, both your kids. everyone does.” I smile at him. The eye contact lingered and I found myself looking at his lips. Judith began to fuss and ripped both of us back to reality. I stand up to take her inside when rick stands up and reaches out.

“Here, I can take her. Ya’ve already had to babysit my kids enough today.”

“s’not a problem.” I don’t step away, both of us lingering. The way that he looks at me makes something inside of me flutter.

“I uh- I should get going,” he finally steps back, smiling before he turned to walk away.

“You’re staring.”

I jump and spin to see Beth behind me, “Jesus fuck,” She giggled at my reaction.

“When’re you gonna just tell him?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I lie as I turn to walk down into the field.

“Mmhmm… sure…” she exaggerated as we walked around the prison yard.

“Okay so what? maybe I have a dumb crush but it would never work... It’s stupid.”

“It’s more than a dumb crush, and it isn’t one-sided ya know,” she nudged me with her arm.

“No it doesn’t. Lori hasn’t even been dead that long and,”

“I don’t know, I’m pretty sure he likes you,”

“Shuddup.”

“No for real, when you guys first came to our farm, I thought there was somethin goin on between you two. Took a while to figure out the dynamics cause obviously Lori and Rick were Carl’s parents but,” she shrugged.

“Whatever,” I mumbled.

“If you want to live in denial, go for it.”

I groaned, “okay, fine… we… ugh, we kissed, okay? Once. Once! Happy now?” I whispered. She let out a school girl squeal. “Shhh, shhh. Shut up! Shut up!” I hit her lightly.

“Okay! okay! stop hitting me!” she giggled. “What happened? When? And why didn’t you tell me?”

“’Cause it was nothing… it didn’t happen again… and it’s not going to…”

“Oh come on! Why not!?”

“Because it just won’t. It was probably just a weird night, Daryl had just left, Lori was dead, we were joking about masturbation, it just happened…”

“Wait what was that last part?”

“It doesn’t matter, that’s why it won’t happen, I’m just one of the guys. Plus, we’re his Nannies, and Carl’s my friend, and-”

“Don’t be stupid.”

“No, it’s a real thing… I don’t want to fuck up Carl any more than the world already has. He needs people on his side. So no, I’m not going to make a move on Rick or whatever.”

We walked around for a bit, Beth telling me all of the dumb drama that was going on between the people from Woodbury. Including the crush that she had on one of them.

“So why don’t you make a move? Or just tell him straight up?”

“I will if you will,” she grinned at me.

“No, no that’s not fair. There’s so much more at stake for me. You either get a boyfriend or at least laid.”

“Or rejected.”

“Yeah, but so what? Worst comes to worst, you get embarrassed and have to ignore a few people. But me? I get humiliated and everyone knows. I don’t give a shit about anyone except our family, but I can’t handle them thinking that low of me. And I lose him as a friend, and I lose Carl as a friend. Daryl would never let me live it down. Hell, he’s so close to Rick that he’d probably take his side.”

“Okay, calm down. It’s not like you’re getting a messy divorce, there aren’t any sides.”

“Whatever… I’d rather just forget about it and shove my feelings so far down that they come out my ass. I keep my friends, I keep my dignity, and I just live my life…”

I see Carl storm out of the building and B-line to the fences, “speaking of which, I need to make sure the kid is okay. He looks pissed.”

I followed him down to the fences and caught up with him when he picked up one of the poles and began stabbing walkers.

“Mind if I join?”

“It’s a free country… or, it was,” He shrugged.

“You’re allowed to be mad at me. If that’s why you’re angry”

He doesn’t say anything but stabs a walker extra hard before letting out a sigh. “ ‘m not mad at you. I’m just… I don’t know,” He stares at the ground and pokes it with the stick. “Mad. I saw her wiggle away from my dad to be with you. What if she thinks you’re her mom. And I can’t be mad at her because she’s just a baby… but,” he sniffed and his voice cracked as he shook his head, still staring at the ground.

When he took a deep breath and looked up at me, I could see his eyes watering. “I just,” he took a deep shaky breath, “I don’t know, I was watching you two and when you told me about your tattoos… I couldn’t help but try to picture you as a mom. And it didn’t take much because of the way you take care of Judith.” His speech shook and I could tell he had a mix of very strong emotions that we’re bubbling up. “And I can’t picture my mom with her,” he yelled before beginning to sob. “She’s never gonna meet her and-” He sniffed and began to cry.

“Hey, hey c’mere.” I stepped towards him and wrapped my arms around him. He held me tightly and let himself cry. “S’alright,” I whispered and rubbed his back, “C’mon, les go.” I kept my arm around him and led him out of the fences and towards the building. He sniffled and tried to control himself before we got to the dorms. When we were walking past the cells, we heard Judith let out small cry and found her in Rick’s cell, asleep in her mail-tub bed. Carl stepped in and picked up his sister, he sat down on the bed with her. I sat next to him and rubbed his back as we looked down at the baby.

“Ya know what the worst part is?” he asked without looking up.

“Hm?”

“When she grows up and ask about what happened to mom. what am I supposed to say? That I killed her?”

“You don’t have to tell her anything you don’t want to. And if you do, you can tell her that you had to. She was losing so much blood, she was already dead. You saved yourself and your father from the trauma of having to put her down when she reanimated. You’ve got a long time, an a bunch of us to figure out how to tell her the truth… What you had to do, I know it’s gotta be hard. I don’t know how you do it sometimes… you are the strongest one here Carl,” I wrapped my arm around his shoulder and pulled him closer, “you’re allowed to cry kid. Cry when you need to, when you want to. And you’re allowed to be mad, at me, at your dad, at the world, even at Judith… you need to feel your emotions, if you bottle them up it never ends well, trust me. And don’t let this world turn you numb. That’s the last thing your mom wanted.”

He leaned his head on my shoulder as he sniffled. “I know she’ll be confused… I don’t want her to think you or Beth or someone else is her mom. No offense.”

“None taken, and it’s not even a question. I’m not her mom and she deserves to know about Lori. No matter what role I play in her life I will make sure she knows about her birth mom. Even as she begins to babble and cant make the connections, I’ll correct her, tell her about her mom…”

“Thanks.”

“of course,” I hugged him.

We sat for a little bit, it wasn’t long before Judith woke up and began to cry, based on the time of day she was probably hungry. “I’ll go feed her,” Carl stated as he stood up and left the cell.

Before I could step out of the cell, Rick appeared in his doorway. “Hey,” I said quietly.

“I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you in our lives,” he said gesturing out where his kids had gone. I didn’t know what to say so I just pressed my lips together and shrugged. He stepped into his cell, towards me but not too close. “I mean it. I came up here and heard y’all talking, didn’t want to interrupt so I didn’t come in. But I heard you.”

“Ever heard of privacy?” I scoffed, fully joking because privacy hadn’t existed in years. He took another step closer, making my heart rate quicken and my insides flutter.

“Sorry,” he smirked lightly. “But I’m serious. We’re so lucky to have you. You handle conversations like that better than I ever could. Way better than Lori would’ve. So, thank you.”

“It’s nothing, I love those two.” We were standing closer to each other, my back against the wall, our faces only inches apart. I looked up and met Rick’s gaze. I couldn’t help but looks at his mouth for a second before staring back up. He reached up and brushed some of my hair back, out of my face. His hand lingered and planted itself on the wall next to my head. There was a magnetism that I couldn’t resist, tipping up to meet his lips with mine as he leant down. The kiss was soft, both of us hesitating before beginning to move against each other. It was slow, and gentle as we eventually opened our mouths to each other. My hands landed softly on his hips as he stepped closer, cupping my face and pressing our bodies together. I hummed before I turned my head away and let go of him.

Rick took a step back, “I uh,” he cleared his throat, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have-”

I cut him off by placing a short, soft kiss on his lips before stepping away. “Don’t be, but… we can’t… it isn’t fair to him.” I looked out the cell door, “he needs both of us, but he doesn’t… I don’t think he’ be able to handle us. At least not right now I’m sorry…”

“No, you’re right.” He sighed and nodded his head a little before fully stepping back.

“Shuddup man,” Daryl smacked the back or Merle’s head.

Merle tells us how he ended up in Woodbury but I don’t really listen. While Daryl and I had always gotten along, growing even closer since the outbreak, there wasn’t much of a bond between me and Merle. Sure he could be fun to be around sometimes, but when he was drunk or high, he began to resemble our father. He wasn’t as cruel, but the general attitude combined with the physical resemblance sometimes got too much for me.

We finally reach the road and find the rest of the group.

“Glenn!” I call out when I see him down the road.

“Jamie? Oh thank god.” He sighs, giving me a hug when I reach him even though he’s badly beaten.

“What the hell is he doing here?!” he yells when he sees Merle, “He tried to kill me!”

The argument between everybody begins, who should be allowed to come back to the prison. We eventually get everyone calmed down enough to have an actual discussion. Michonne waits by the car while Merle sticks to the tree line as Daryl, Rick, Glenn, Maggie and I discuss things.

“It won’t work,” Rick states firmly.

“It’s gotta,” Daryl fights for Merle to stay.

“It’ll only stir things up.”

“Look, the Governor is probably on the way to the prison right now. Merle knows how he thinks and we could use the muscle.” Daryl points out

“I'm not having him at the prison,” Maggie states.

“Do you really want him sleeping in the same cell block as Carol or Beth? I’m surprised he leaves Jamie alone, even though you are related.”

“He ain't a rapist.”

“Well, his buddy is.”

“They ain't buddies no more. Not after last night.”

“There's no way Merle's gonna live there without putting everyone at each other's throats.” Rick seems firm on his point. I rest my arms on the top of my head and stepping away for a second, not really caring either way.

“Yer thinkin of keepin her, n we don’t even know who she is. But Merle, Merle's blood.” Daryl argues and I’m mostly just surprise he’s been able to stay calm.

“No, Merle is your blood. My blood, my family is standing right here and waiting for us back at the prison.” Glenn looks from Daryl to me, knowing that I’m not as attached to Merle.

“And you're both part of that family. But he's not. He's not.”

“Man, y'all don't know,” Daryl kicks the ground, thinking for a moment, “Fine. We'll fend for ourselves.” Daryl decides, and I don’t know if I’m included in the ‘we’.

“That's not what I was saying,” Glenn tries to reason with him.

“No him, no me.”

“Daryl, you don't have to do that,” Maggie said gently.

“It was always Merle and I before this,” both Glenn and Maggie respond, but I can’t make out what they say over my heartbeat flooding my ears. I notice that Daryl hadn’t looked down at me at all during the conversation.

Daryl and Glenn begin to talk as Daryl is slowly leaving the circle.

“Can you talk to him?” Rick looks at me, pulling me from the trance I’d fallen into.

“Huh?”

“He might listen to you.”

I sigh and walk after my brother, “Daryl, wait.” He stops and waits for me to approach. “You’re really leaving? Just like that?”

“You can come with if ya want. Ya know ya can.”

“What about everyone back at the prison?”

“I ain’t leavin him again.”

“Ya can’t leave him but you can leave me?” he looks at me sadly.

“It aint-,”

“No, I get it. It was always the two of you. Y’all got stuck with me when shit fell apart. I’m not one of you.”

“JJ don’t…”

“no, s’fine. The three of us don’t do that well together, you go with him. I’m used ta bein on my own, at least now I got other people I can trust.” I look back at the others. “Just, try not ta die.” I give him a sad smile before turning to walk back to the others so look at me sympathetically.

The ride back is quiet, nobody knowing what to say. When we pull into the prison, I go straight to find the baby, offering to take over for Beth. I didn’t want to be alone, but I didn’t want to deal with anyone else either.

I spend the rest of the day with the newborn, taking care of her and wishing my life was as simple as hers. “Y’alright?” I hear the southern drawl and look up to see Rick in the doorway of his cell. I shrug and look down at his daughter who was asleep on my chest.

“Right. That was a dumb question. I’m sorry,” He steps into his room and sits on his bed across from me.

“It’s okay, I’ve always been the odd one out. Daryl was right, it was always him n Merle before.” Rick looks at me intrigued, but doesn’t push for more information. I look into his blue eyes before back down at the baby.I quietly got up to place the baby in her pseudo crib which was a postal service box full of blankets that Daryl had written “ass kicker” on the side of. I sat down next to Rick, leaving a distance between us.

“She looks just like Carl, not really like either of them, thankfully. But just like Carl, and I know that he’s mine. Lori was always a prude, its honestly what surprised me the most about she n Shane. Shane… Shane would fuck just about anybody, but Lori? One of the reasons we got married so damn fast was because she was saving herself,” He chuckles. I smile a little, unsure how to respond to the man I had a crush on talking about his and his dead wife’s sex life.

“Yeah, that tracks. She seems like the type, not that there’s anything wrong with that… but I’d bet she thought jerking off to porn was cheating.”

Rick chuckled, “yeah we had that fight a couple of times, but a man’s got needs. And she never exactly helped,” He said half-jokingly. “Guess she was more excited ta help Shane.”

I smiled and laughed, “Women have needs too, but I guess not her.”

“Only on occasion, apparently she only did for my best friend that she openly hated for years.”

“What a waste, hold out on a guy like you? Ain’t fair to the rest of us. Specially since you don’t seem like the cheating type.” I say hoping that it didn’t come off the wrong way. I look over at Rick and catch him staring at my mouth. I blush and glance down at his. He must’ve caught me because a slight smirk spread across his lips and he scoots a bit closer.

“s’part a what made it hard… it never mattered how bad things got, I felt guilty even lookin at other people. Even after I knew she cheated on me with Shane.”

“So you were lookin at people,” I tease. “Okay so which one is it? Maggie, Beth, or Carol?” I ask jokingly, but genuinely curious. Instead of saying a name, he placed his hand on the side of my face and brought our lips together. The kiss was gentle but confident, I hesitantly kissed back at first before I was urged on by him kissing me a bit harder.

I pulled back in a little bit of shock. “Wait, really?” I asked with a shaky voice. I was glad that the sun had set, sure that my face was bright red.

Rick brushed his thumb over my cheekbone before removing his hand. Realizing that he may have taken my reaction the wrong way, I move so that we are right next to each other. I place my hand on his chest and lean in to kiss him, less timidly than before. He grabs my face again and sighs contently into the kiss. His other hand found my hip as he licked my bottom lip, asking for entrance. I parted my lips and ran my tongue along his. Our mouths moved in sync together, neither of us fighting for control, just exploring the other.

The small baby let out a cry that brought us both back to the present. I was the one to pull away, looking over at the tiny human. I stood up and picked up the infant, smelling her first. “She’s dry, I think she might be hungry,” I held her against me and rocked her gently.

“I uh, I’ll go make her a bottle,” Rick said as he got up and left the cell.

“Shh shh shh,” I bounce as I try to calm the baby down.

“Here, here.” Rick re-appears a minute later, handing me a bottle. I adjust his daughter in my arms before giving her the bottle that she immediately opens for.

“There ya go, yer alright.” I whisper down at her, “Carl pick a name yet?” I ask without looking up.

“Judith.”

“Judith huh?” I ask the baby, “it suits you.” The infant quickly finishes the bottle.

“I’ll take her,” Rick reaches out, positioning the baby to burp her.

“I better get going, goodnight Rick.”

“Night.” I walk back to my cell and sit down on my bed, pulling off my boots. I rest my elbows on my knees and bury my head in my hands, trying to make sense of the last twenty-four hours. Merle was alive. Daryl left us for Merle. He chose him over me, leaving so easily. Then Rick kissed me. Rick. Rick of all people. I’d had a crush on the man since he found our camp, but he’d never shown any inclination of reciprocating those types of feelings.

Lori had just died. The way they acted together and how he had spoken about her before he kissed me didn’t match with the reaction he had had to her death. It almost broke him. Was he still broken? Did he mean what he had said? Or had that been another episode.

Then there was Carl. Ever since Sophia went missing and he was the only kid left, I’d spent more time with him outside of the tutoring that Lori had me do. I wanted to make sure that the kid had a friend, and the fact that I had just made out with his father made me feel weird.

After laying on my prison bed for a while, exhausted but unable to get comfortable enough to fall asleep, I put my boots and my old leather jacket on before leaving the cell block as quietly as I could. I walked outside and made my way up into the watch tower.

“You scared me,” Carol gasped as I made it to the top.

“Sorry.”

“Can’t sleep?” she asked as I walked out onto the outer ledge, sitting down and dangling my feet over the edge, resting myself against the railing. I shook my head and felt her sit down next to me. “I’m sorry about Daryl…” she offered.

“Me too, it is what it is.” I shrugged.

“Still, leaving with the excuse of sticking with his blood family and leaving you behind doesn’t make sense.”

“I was invited to leave with them. But as much as I hate it, I wasn’t surprised. It’d always been them and me, not the three of us.”

“But the three of you were together in the beginning?”

“I ran into them a couple weeks before the outbreak. But before that we hadn’t seen each other in a while. Daryl was about to leave home before I suddenly had to live with our dad. I was five, he was fifteen. He stuck around for about a year before Merle got out of the joint and took him away. After that, Daryl’d come around every now n then ta check on me. Merle’d never agree when he wanted to get me out of there, away from the abuse, sayin I was too young and that I didn’t get it as bad as they had. I know he beat them too, but I guarantee they didn’t get pimped out. They didn’t know though”

She gently squeezed my shoulder, having gone through her our shit with Ed. “Maybe he’ll come back, we never know.”

I shrugged in response, swinging my legs a little and staring out at the night sky. “Something else on your mind?”

“Why are you so good at reading people?” I roll my eyes and smile.

“I’ve had a lot of practice,” she laugh dryly, “everyday revolved around reading Ed. You don’t have to tell me though.”

“I don’t know,” I sigh, “There’s something I wanted to happen, but I never thought it would… And then it happened… and I didn’t expect these mixed feelings about it.”

“Do you want me to pretend I don’t know who you’re talking about?” I quickly turn to look at her in surprise. I scoot back and sit next to her against the wall.

“Wait you…”

“Know that you have a thing for Rick?” she smiles.

“Goddamn it woman,” I laugh. “It’s not… obvious, is it? oh god, what if he knows? What if it was some stupid pity kiss because Daryl left? Fuck…” I groan.

“Hun, no. stop,” She tries to assure me. “It isn’t obvious and I doubt he knew. He could still not know, maybe he’s in there wondering the same things. Trust me, it wasn’t a pity move, I’m fairly sure he has a thing for you.” She rubs my back when I lower my head into my hands.

“Why would you think that?”

“You look at each other the same way when they other isn’t looking, it’s subtle on your end, don’t worry. And he was pretty mad about the way Shane would talk about wanting to sleep with you. I heard him complaining to Lori about it more than once.”

“Really?”

“And he’s always been a little extra protective of you.”

“So, what should I do?”

“What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know…”

“Then don’t do anything, just play it by ear.”

“Yeah I guess your right…”

“I know,” she smiled at me.

“You okay if I head ta bed? I can keep ya company if ya want,” I offer.

“don’t worry about it. go get some sleep”

“Thanks Carol.”

“I’m always here kid.”

I wished her goodnight and made my way back to the cell block without running into anyone. I went to what had been Daryl’s cell and grabbed what was in it, taking it to mine. I curled up under his poncho and was eventually able to fall asleep.

When I woke up, I was surprised to see that the sun was fully up and that nobody had woken me up for anything. I changed my clothes and walked out to find Carl and Glenn playing a card game, Judith in her mail container bed.

“Mornin,” I yawn as I walk over to Judith, picking up the baby girl.

“Morning was a while ago…” Carl snickered as I sat down at the table with them. I ruffled his hair and he ducked away from me.

“c’mon man, you’re killing me.” Glenn groans as Carl plays his cards.

“How bad are you beating him?” I whisper loudly to Carl.

“He hasn’t won a hand yet.” He whispers back.

“Nice,” I give him a high-five.

“I can hear you, and it’s not my fault that my eye is swollen shut.”

“That’s poor excuse for being beat by a thirteen-year-old… you taught me this game like half an hour ago.” Carl laughs. The conversation is cut off by gunfire outside. “What’s going on?”

“I don’t know, here, take your sister.” I put her back in the box and hand it to Carl, “Glenn, stay with them?” Glenn limps into the cell block with the kids as Maggie and Beth rush in from outside.

“What’s going on?!” I ask as I grab a rifle and make sure that it’s loaded.

“Not sure, but Rick and Dad are out there. Outside the fence. Seems like an ambush, payment for yesterday.”

I grab a second gun, run outside, and find the best coverage I can. The first thing I see is a sniper in the tower. Luckily, he doesn’t see me and I’m able to take him out. Just when we managed to take out the men, a truck barrels through the fence and walkers flood the field. “Shit.”

Knowing that we were running low on ammunition, I grab my knife from my belt and make my way to one of the cars. I see Hershel first and drive through the field towards him. I crawl over the center console and open the door for him, “get in!”

“Thank you, we need to get them, the noise will only attract more.”

“Who else is- oh,” I look through the fences to see Rick and my brothers. I drive the car outside of the prison and stop when they run towards us. I unlock the doors and the three of them crawl in.

“The fuck are ya doin ere?” I snap at them.

“just drive kid, we’ll sort it out inside,” Hershel redirects me. We get inside and Merle is isolated to the day room as the rest of us meet in the cellblock. Maggie heads outside to keep watch.

“Field’s filled with walkers. Didn’t see more snipers but we’ll keep Maggie on watch,” Rick says.

“I’ll get up in the guard tower, take out half them walkers. Give these guys a chance to fix the fence,” Daryl offers, avoiding eye contact.

“or we could use the cars to put the bus in place,” Michonne suggests.

Hershel shakes his head, “we can't access the field without burning through our bullets”

“So we're trapped in here,” Glenn concludes, “there’s barely any food or amo.”

“Been here before, be all right.” Daryl tries to brush it off.

“That was when it was just us,” Glenn says bitterly at Daryl, “Before there was a snake in the nest,”.

“Man, we gon go through this again?” he asks, raising his voice but keeping his tone fairly neutral. “He’s with us now. Get used to it.”

“All y’all,” Daryl storms upstairs. Everybody turns to look at me expectantly. I groan and walk upstairs to what had been Daryl’s cell, running into him when he storms out of it.

“The hell is my stuff?”

“Calm down. I have it.” I walk over to the cell that I had claimed and toss the few things of his that he’d left behind out onto the catwalk. “I’m keeping the poncho. Now leave me alone.”

“Jay, wait. Can we talk?”

“About what? Wouldn’t want to keep Merle waiting, would we? Leave me alone.”

“JJ…”

“No. First you leave and now that I’m asking you to, you won’t?”

“M’sorry okay? It was shitty of me, shitty of me back then, and shitty of me now.”

“I get it, the two of you are brothers, real brothers… and I’m the third wheel. Ya got the chance ta ditch me and ya did. I should’ve seen it comin’.”

“You could’ve come with us. Not that it matters, it was a mistake.”

“You knew I wouldn’t say yes, we have family here. A better family. I love you, but I was never going to leave them to run off with you and Will jr. out there.”

“He ain’t as bad as dad.”

“I don’t know that!” I say a little too loudly, “I’m sure you’re right but he’s still an asshole and he looks just like him! And all he’s ever done fer me is rip you away, convince ya ta leave me with that abusive, rapist piece of shit who sold me to his friends for sex! I was fucking five! Five! Merle’s always sayin that I ‘never had it as bad’ when y’all don’t know shit and never stuck around long enough to find out! I got it worse than both of you! I’ve seen your scars, and look, I have more!” I yank my shirt off and reveal the scars I had on my torso before showing him my scar-covered back as I go towards my bed.

“wait, He-” Daryl said quietly and looked at me stunned as I crawled onto my bed, pulling his poncho over me as a blanket.

“Just leave…” my voice broke.

“JJ… we didn’t know” he sat on the edge of the bed.

“Well now you do. But the damage is done. At least you tried to get me out, but I’ll never forgive Merle for not letting you protect me.”

“Jay…”

I can’t hold back anymore and let the tears roll down my face, “please just leave.”

“I-”

“Daryl wait,” I spot the snake but before we could do anything the horse spooked, throwing us off. “Fuck,” I groan, “y’okay?” Daryl doesn’t say anything. I look for him but can’t find him. I knocked a cliff and peak over the edge, seeing my brother laying at the bottom of the steep drop.

“Daryl?!” He moves a little bit. “Fuckin hell.” I climb my way down the best I could before having to slide down the rocks into the water. Daryl’s ripping the sleeves off his shirt when I notice the arrow sticking through his side. “Shit. You okay?”

“Do I look okay?” He starts digging around for his bow and I take in our surroundings.

I spot something on the creek edge and climb out of the water to find that it’s Sophia’s doll. “SOPHIA!” I yell out. “SOPHIA!” I here rustling in the bushes and head towards it. Before I reach it a walker comes stumbling out. “Shit.” I take it down with my knife, running up towards the next one. I return to Daryl, “We gotta get out of here.”

“Yeah.” He looks up at the hills and cliffs surrounding us. “There, best place to climb.” We walk over and start climbing. We’re about half way when Daryl slips, tumbling back down.

“Shit.” He wasn’t moving. I make my way back down and lug my brother to the side. He’s awake but not answering me. “Daryl wait,” he gets up and stumbles back to the hill, starting to climb while he mumbles to himself. I worry about the very possible head injury but knew we needed to get back if we were gonna get real help.

I managed to get up a head of him and make it to the top. I watch my brother climb and right when he makes it to the top he slips, catching himself in a root. “Daryl here,” I offer my hand. He thinks for a moment before taking it and heaving himself over the edge.

“Shut up Merle,” he mumbles.

“Let get going.” I get him on his feet and lead us in the way I hope will get us back to the farm. He stumbles ahead of me and I watch for walkers. We make it to the field and as I see the men running towards us, I stay back to make sure nothing had followed us. A shot rings out and I turn to see Daryl laying on the ground. “Daryl!” I sprint towards him.

“Fuckin hell,” he groans and I let out a sigh of relief. The others help carry him towards the farm house. I fill them in on what happened before running a head of them.

Andrea approaches me, “I’m so sorry I thought that he-”

“You shot him?”

“I didn’t- it thought-” I swing and punch her square in the face.

“You fucking shot my brother, you could’ve killed him!” I knock her over and straddle her, punching her again.

“Jamie!” Glenn calls out and pulls me off her.

“She shouldn’t even have a gun! She sucks!” I scream.

“Cmon, let’s get you cleaned up.”

…

Returning from our run, I storm over to Lori. “You’re fucking pregnant? How dumb can you be?”

“It’s none of your business.”

“When you have me fetch you abortion pills it is. I have half the mind to destroy these so you can deal with the consequences of your actions. And I know it’s not Rick’s.”

“You can’t tell him. And this won’t be a problem anymore.” She snatched the pills from me and walks away.

I don’t find Rick until later that day. “Rick!”

“Yeah, what’s up?” I see Lori notice us out of the corner of my eye but she’s too far away to stop me.

“You’re wife’s pregnant and it’s Shane’s.”

“Wha- how do you know?”

“Cause I’ve seen the fooling around, sneaking of to the woods ever since this whole thing started. Plus she had Glenn and I get her some pills to get rid of the problem. Figured you deserved to know.” I walk off and leave Lori to deal with her husband knowing the truth.

…

It had been a long winter until we found the prison, everyone tense and struggling to survive. I didn’t sleep much, the combination of insomnia, the baby crying, and the flashbacks to cutting Lori open to save the little girl.

She’s been screaming all day but we couldn’t do anything but wait for Daryl to get back from the run back to the daycare we’d passed.

I hear footsteps and glance over to see Rick approaching, “Sorry bout your brother, he-”

“Don’t.” I sit up and cross my legs, looking at the stranger. “Ya don’t gotta explain. Merle’s a piece a shit, and only technically my brother. Half-brother that I didn’t grow up around, I don’t care about him that much. Only put up with him fer Daryl’s sake.”

“Still…”

“Daryl’s gon lose his shit though.”

“So I hear. Any advice on that?”

“Yeah,” I scoff, “duck. Seen ‘im knock a man out with one punch.”

“Thanks,” he laughs lightly. “Either way, s’nice ta meet ya.” He wishes me a goodnight before heading back into camp. I decide to call it a night as well.

I get back from a walk just as I hear Daryl call out. “Merle! Merle! Get your ugly ass out here! JJ! I got us some squirrel! Let's stew 'em up.”

I walk through camp to see Shane talking to him.

“He dead?”

“We're not sure,” Shane confesses.

“He either is or he ain't!” Daryl’s short fuse already set off.

Rick approached the two, “No easy way to say this, so I'll just say it.”

“Who are you?”

“Rick Grimes.”

“Rick Grimes, you got something ya want to tell me?” he spits at the cop.

“Your brother was a danger to us all, so I handcuffed him on a roof, hooked him to a piece of metal. He's still there.”

“Hold on. Let me process this. You're saying you handcuffed my brother to a roof and you left him there?!”

“Yeah.”

“Daryl don’t,” before I can say another work Daryl has already lunged at Rick who was able to deflect him to the ground. “Watch the knife,” I warn as Daryl scrambles up from the ground. I jump between the two but Shane is able to get him in a chokehold before he can get all the way up.

“You'd best let me go!”

“Nah, I think it's better if I don't.”

“Choke hold's illegal!”

“You can file a complaint. Come on, man. We'll keep this up all day.” Shane keeps the upper hand as Daryl continues to try to fight him off.

Rick steps closer, “I'd like to have a calm discussion on this topic. Do you think we can manage that?”

“Mmm. Yeah.” Daryl mumbles as he finally calms down and Shane lets him go, but we all stay close.

“What I did was not on a whim. Your brother does not work and play well with others.”

“It's not Rick's fault. I had the key. I dropped it.” T-Dog walks over.

“Ya couldn pick it up?”

“Well, I dropped it in a drain.”

“If it's supposed ta make me feel better, it don.”

“Well, maybe this will. Look, I chained the door to the roof… So the geeks couldn't get at him… With a padlock. It's gotta count for something.”

 Daryl takes a deep breath, still seething, “Hell with all y'all! Just tell me where he is so that I can go get him!”

Rick offers to take Daryl back with him to retrieve Merle the next day, along with some guns he had dropped. I follow Daryl as he storms off towards his tent, “Dare, wait up.”

“Knew we shouldn’ve stayed ‘round these people,” he grumbles as he rummages around in his tent a bit.

“Yeah most of them suck, but they aren’t all terrible. Plus, we both know Merle probably deserved it. I get that you care about him n all, but you can’t deny that he’s impossible to be around sometimes.”

“Whatever, I say we get ‘im back, steal their shit and get the hell outta here.”

“there’re benefits ta being in a group, let’s just figure it out later.”

“ya comin with?” he asks as he heads back to the group.

“No, gonna stay, help out with whatever.”

The group departs and I somehow get roped into doing laundry down at the lake. I don’t really participate in the small talk, not having much in common with the other women. I watch Shane and Lori argue out of the corner of my eye. I thought that it was just something that nobody talked about, but when rick came back, the full picture was painted, and when nobody gossiped about it, I realized that almost everybody besides me and my brothers was oblivious to the affair going on between them.

“I do miss my Maytag,” the typically quiet Carol sighed.

“I miss my Benz, my sat nav.” Andrea added

 “I miss my coffee maker with that dual-drip filter and built-in grinder, honey.” Jacqui hummed.

“My computer… And texting.” Amy groaned.

I accidentally let out a scoff, causing the girls to all look at me. “Sorry. You guys just, sounds like ya all had nice things.”

“It’s alright,” Jacqui smiled at me. “Is there anything you miss?” if it had been one of the sisters, the question would’ve come off passive aggressive, but Jacqui was sweet and genuine. She was one of the women in camp that I had the most respect for, along with Carol.

I hum as I try to think of something. “There ain’t much I lost because of the outbreak, but not long before that I had ta sell my Harley for parts after it broke down. Couldn’t afford to fix it and needed the money to get away from someone. But, I used ta have a stray dog that’d always come around. Named him tank.”

“Your brothers couldn’t fix your motorcycle? I’ve seen them working on the cars,” Amy asked.

“They weren’t around, we never stuck together for long.  It was before I met back up with them. I hadn’t seen them in 6-7 months.” Thankfully they didn’t press further and I didn’t have to think about the shithole my life had been.

It was quiet for a bit before Andrea spoke again, “I miss my vibrator.” I smiled as the rest of them laughed.

“Me too.” Carol said unexpectedly, making all of us laugh.

“What's so funny?” Carols husband Ed asked from where he stood by the truck, beer in hand. It wasn’t a secret that he was abusive.

“Just swapping war stories, Ed.” Andrea tries to dismiss him but he strolls closer, glaring at his wife.

“There a problem?” I ask looking at him.

 “Nothin' that concerns you. And you ought to focus on your work. This ain't no comedy club.” He speaks as if he owns us.

“If you think you can do it better, you’re more than welcome to hop in and do your own.” I put the wet shirt I’m holding on the ground. All of the other women had visibly tensed up.

“Ain't my job,” he sneers.

“Jamie, just leave it.” Carol suggests from where she sat next to me.

“And what is your job Ed? Sitting on yer ass smoking, drinking, n eating the food everyone works to get? Cause I sure as hell aint seen ya pitch in or contribute ta anything ‘round camp.”

“Well, it sure as hell ain't listening to some uppity smart-mouthed bitch,” he growls towards me before looking at Carol, “Tell you what… come on. Let's go.” He reaches for her but I shove his hand away before he can touch her. “She doesn need ta go anywhere.”

“And I say it's none of your business. Come on now. You heard me.” Carol gets up, but I stand up and get in between them.

“Jamison, please. It doesn't matter.” She says softly.

 “Don't think I won't knock you on your ass just 'cause you're some young little redneck cunt, All right? Now you come on now or you gonna regret it later.”

Jacqui speaks up next, “So she can show up with fresh bruises later, Ed? Yeah, we've seen them.”

“Stay out of this. Now come on! You know what? This ain't none of y'all's business. You don't want to keep prodding the bull here, okay? Now I am done talking. Carol, come on.”

“Carol, you don't have to…” I try to get her to stay, knowing he’s going to take it out on her if we let him.

She ignores me, speaking softly to her husband “Ed, just…”

“You don't tell me what! I tell you!” he slaps her and that’s it. I punch him hard in the gut, using his surprise to kick his knees which makes them buckle. He struggles to catch himself and I rush him, knocking him down. With him still in shock, and a little drunk, I’m able to kneel on his chest and step down on one of his wrists. He grabbed the leg on his chest with his other hand in attempt to pull me off. I pummel him, punching him in the face and side of the head as hard as I can, as many times as I can. I can hear Carol crying and the rest of the girls telling me to stop, all too scared to actually try to pull me off. I feel a pair of strong arms hook under my armpits and pull me off of the man who had stopped fighting back.

I’m put down and Shane goes to grabs Ed. “You put your hands on your wife, your little girl or anybody else in this camp one more time, I won’t stop her. Do you hear me? Do you hear me?!”

Ed mumbles a pathetic yes and nods his bloody head. “I will let her beat you to death. I will help her beat you to death,” he spits in Ed’s face before standing up and kicking him in the side. Shane strides over to me and grabs my bicep, pulling me up the road as Carol and the others cry behind us. I pull my arm away, “The hell were you doin?” he asked me as we walk up the road.

“The hell did ya stop me?! Nobody’d miss ‘im, we’d all be better off without him.”

“I don’t disagree, but he’s got a lil girl up there.”

“And? He doesn give two shits bout er, I’ve never seen him treat ‘er as more than property.”

“Still, ya don’t wanna take her dad away from her like that.”

“Ya never know. My life woulda been a million times better if someone’s killed my old man by the time I was that age.”

When we get back to camp, I tell the other’s that I’m going to check Daryl’s snares. I do check them, but when they’re empty, I continue walking, just wanting to escape to the woods for a while. It’s gets dark before I turn to head back. I run the rest of the way after I hear screams and multiple rounds of gunshots.

When I get back to camp the first thing that I see are bodies, everywhere. “ JJ?! JAMIE?! Fuck! JAMISON!!” I hear panic in Daryl’s voice as he yells.

“Over here, I’m fine!” I see him and see the deep breath he lets out when he sees me. He strides over and wrapped his arms around me. “The hell happened?” I ask, looking around at all of the bodies, both walkers and human.

“Not sure, we came back ta walkers n everyone screamin. Where were you?”

“checkin the traps, just going for a walk, ya know.”

“shouldn’t be goin out alone.”

“Looks like I wouldn’ve been any safer here.”

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