ATLAWEFA

Or go on Bumble get a hundred messages from gross desperate men looking to take advantage of me.

Thought i should maybe clarify. Its a weird distinction, and differentiates hookups and friends with benefits kinda deal.

I went to Katsucon with you in February. While I did have fun, I was for the most part not in the right head space to be in such a crowded, and loud environment. I originally thought this would be a good time for a small break from my life to enjoy this beautiful con. However, I couldn't enjoy it as much as I would have liked. I was on my period, I had especially bad cramps all weekend, and I was depressed.

On our way back home waiting to board our flight, I decided I'd browse twitter for a bit. Almost immediately I saw something that I couldn't bare to see and got upset. Generally when I get that upset what I need is separation and time alone. I clearly said I wanted to sit by myself during the flight, and you were fine with that. You texted me as one point if you did anything wrong. I said no, it has nothing to do with you I just need my space. I was pretty quiet and on my thoughts the rest of the way home.

After saying goodbye, I left, got home, and just stayed in bed.

I skipped my classes for the day so I could calm down and take a breather.

I had intentions to message you that it wasn't your fault I was upset, and that I appreciated everything you've done for me. However, I have a lot going on in my daily life and I am human and I forget things. I wanted to take a long hard break from social media and talking to anyone but a few strangers online. So I ended up not talking to you for 2 months, which tbh isn't rare for me. I'm not a big texter and if you're truly my friend you would understand that. Unfortunately you didn't and you thought I ghosted you, which is fair thats how you feel and i can't deny that. But I didn't have to talk to you, I didn't really feel like it. I needed some isolation and I owe you no excuses why tbh. You should not expect me to express myself the same why that you do. You are someone that is happy with human connection and validation and closeness when you're hurt. I am not. I am distant, I need my own space. I don't want someone hawking over me when I'm upset and I need you to understand that. I appreciate when someone wants to stick around when I'm upset or invite me over to hang out, but it is not wanted or necessary. That's one of the reasons why I almost always say no when someone tells me to hang out with them when I'm upset.

It makes me feel like I'm not allowed to process my emotions at my own pace, instead theres this feeling of 'no omg stop being sad, you can only be happy, let me force that upon you.' kind of mindset that I don't like.

It's making me realize that we are probably better off as not being friends anymore, because I am actually tired of being forced to fit this mold.

Like I'm obviously sad, but I'm more just angry that this person decided to not ask and get the bigger picture of whats actually happening and instead vilify me for being my own person.

Here we go. Story Time!

You asked me out during Christmas break when I was visiting my family that I never see. I was caught off guard and didn't think clearly through it enough and just said yes. Purely because I thought ' holy shit someone like likes me? Wth?!'. Almost immediately you started sending me romantic messages that was just this complete 180 that I was not ready for that I honestly hate. They were only a little objectifying nothing sexual. That's not the point though, because I don't like romantic gestures especially through text. Since you're a very pushy person though and I was afraid of how you'd react I went along with it. Eventually, I felt too uncomfortable and also just thought about our relationship more and came to the conclusion that I only think of us as purely platonic. I didn't say that though I just told you I wasn't looking for a long term serious relationship, which is still true. (Not saying that I only saw us as platonic was probably the biggest mistake I made in all of this.)You said ' its okay, we can take it slow. You lead the way and I'll follow.' Now by my thought process that means we're not in a relationship, I can do whatever I want. So maybe a few weeks after coming back home I've been talking and seeing some people from OkCupid. Nothing serious, but one person caught my attention and I've talked to them and met them in person. I made a post on here about it. Somehow you caught wind of that and got upset because for some reason you felt entitled to a relationship with me. You didn't really think to ask, 'Are you non-monogamous?', 'If you're not looking for a LTR then what are you looking for?', and 'Aren't you asexual? I thought you didn't like sex??'.

1) I am non-monogamous.

2) Friends, and hookups.

3) I'm fucking grey-asexual less on the asexual side, also doesn't mean at all that I don't like sex. Means I don't have sexual attraction towards people but I still do like sex.

However, you did not ask these questions. You only thought about yourself. Which is fine, I wouldn't expect anyone to ask these, but if you're confused by what I'm doing then for fucks sake ask.

I'm pretty fucking tired of people seeing me as this perfect little quiet innocent like thing, this weird fucking narrative that you started. I'm not, I'm a smart ass, I'm a bitch, I'm such a fucking faggot, and I'm living my own damn life. I make mistakes, I get mad, I get depressed and anxious, like any normal human being so don't fucking get mad at me when I start showing my human side.

Fucking hell.

All the worst case scenarios rolling around my head rn 😵😵😵

But at the same time im aware everyone i know is willing to talk and help me but im just so tired. All i want to do is seclude myself from the rest of the world.

I feel so left behind.

I feel like even though Vivian and i have been broken up my mind is like trying to convince me that its not real. But then viv goes out with their new partner and I feel like Im being cheated on. And i know im being possessive and i hate myself for it. Its just so hard to let go of someone you really truly love and want in your life more than anything.

And like. The reason why viv broke up with me, while they felt they couldn't support me in the way i need. The other part is that im grey-asexual. And they were so fucking touch starved and that makes me feel like i was forcing us to stay together like I was torchering them because i never fucking felt like doing sexual things. And I fucking hate being grey-asexual for that reason. I fucking hate myself for being this way.

Like i feel so deeply that ill never find someone else because of it and thats my punishment. And viv gets to be happy because theyre a fucking normal sexual person.

I im hurting so much. Its getting harder and harder moving on. Please put me in a coma. I feel like im begging at this point. Just send me into an induced coma. I can barely fucking get out of bed every morning as is. I can't go a day without suicidal thoughts, depressive thoughts, crying, spacing. I can't fucking take care of myself rn i cant. Cant even go grocery shopping. Cuz its so fucking cold out. I hate it. I hate myself. I hate everything ive become.

Then to have to walk back with all my groceries.