atlas

Being in Sayre Woods had been comfortable. He’s spent as much time in houses of worship as he has nose-deep in medical texts -- he’d felt at home there. Now that the group has come to an actual home though, Sai feels disquieted. The hair at the back of his neck prickles constantly, and he can’t make himself relax. Every second they’re here, Sai’s on guard.

“ Something’s not right with this place... “

There’s a fire in her that never goes away, and not in the sense that she’s passionate. Patty just can’t help herself. Something in her gets excited whenever a man looks at her with anything resembling praise, tucks her into his body, speaks to her like she’s special. Even if it’s just a brief moment, Patty lives for these moments. Her heart beats hard against her ribcage and clear through to Sai’s abdomen, her breath feels hot when it bounces against his shirt, and she stifles another shudder when she feels his mouth on her head, simply raising her shoulders instead. Like it tickles instead.

He keeps up his whispering, pretty words she can’t understand, and it just drags her deeper into this spell. Just barely, Patty retains enough sense to open her eyes, blink, remember where she is. He tests her further with his hug but by then, she’s now distracted with ideas of future meetings. Better places. Better circumstances. Patience.

He seems comforted by her words and that’s a relief. She had no pretty words of her own to make things seem more hopeful than they were and wouldn’t build him up falsely regardless. So she smiles back as he finishes the job on his own, renews his own motivation. Again, he swoops in; her eyes stay open but flutter when he speaks against her skin. Her fingers squeeze fistfuls of him over his ribs.

“Mm hm.” It’s not enough, she realizes, but her brain is so blank it’s hard to overcome. She tries anyway. “You’ve got this, okay? When everyone’s set…we’ll talk.”

“ Thank you, “ he smiles gratefully, cupping her cheek for a moment before letting his hand fall. His mind is already slipping back into doctor mode, so he’s not as quick to catch on to what she says as he normally would be.

“ Talk? ...Yeah. Okay. “

He’s not sure what about, if he’s honest, but the idea makes him happy. He’s excited to realize he’s looking forward to them Talking, the event very clearly being an event from how she’d said it. Sai stops to watch her for a moment longer before turning back to face his makeshift ICU. 

He would help them all recover, and then he and Patty would talk.

A tiny seedling of hope blossomed in his chest for the first time in years.

He said her name and it was like she was a kid again, her parents or Connor trying to get through to her whenever she was being irrational. And she hated it. Hated being talked to that way, hated appearing so vulnerable, hated that she was spilling all this out and not just dealing with it. Moving on and just getting on with leaving the group. 

“She’s been asking for you, y’know.”

Her bottom lip folded in, her teeth latching onto it just to have something to do other than something stupid like cry. Why the hell would Friday be worried about her? Why would any of them not blame her or not kick her out? 

But Sai said they didn’t want her to leave, and that was enough to get her to lift her head. Looking for any sign of a lie, for any falter in his tone. But there was none. He was so sure that was what they thought, and Carter couldn’t believe it. She even started to shake her head, Sai’s form starting to blur with the tears that started to spring to her eyes. 

Don’t. Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t–

Carter took a deep breath, blinking the tears from her eyes. The drops fell on her hands, which were playing with the edges of the sleeves of her sweater. As much as she wanted to stop crying, to suck it up and try to keep her composure, she just couldn’t get a grip. Maybe she was just tired of keeping it all in, or just plain tired. Carter didn’t feel like a good person, and maybe it had just been a mistake, but who was to say it wouldn’t happen again?

“But I shot her,” she choked out. The first time the confession left her mouth and it felt heavy. “I shot her, and I could have–” she let the sentence hang in the air, unable to fathom that outcome had she actually killed the girl.

He’s reaching for her even before her sentence chokes off into nothing.

Sai wraps a strong but tender hand around the back of her neck and leads her forward. Sitting up on his knees on the floor, he’s still taller than she is, and he uses it to envelop her tiny, shaking frame, surrounding her with warmth and, he hopes, comfort.

“ Shhhhhhhhh, it’s alright, “ he whispers, one hand rubbing slow circles into her back while the other cradles the back of her skull. “ It was an accident, Carter. They happen, and that’s okay. “

He rocks them gently, listing side to side like the waves on the beaches back home on O’ahu. The motion is almost imperceptible but present enough to inspire calm. It had worked wonders on Malie, and his paternal instincts had him using the same technique to soothe Carter. He doesn’t even think about it.

Sai pulls back just enough to look Carter in the eyes, one giant thumb reaching up to wipe at the wet track of tears slipping down one of her cheeks. It breaks his heart to see her like this, and the thought that she might leave because of her guilt makes his chest seize with anxiety. He can’t let her go. He physically cannot allow her to go. He’d hate himself forever if something happened to her.

“ Listen, “ he insists quietly, using the hand cupped around her face to tip her gaze up to meet his. “ It’s gonna be alright. Friday’s healing. And she’s worried about you which tells me she isn’t angry. You’ll feel better once you apologize if that’s what you wanna do. But don’t go. Okay? Stay here where it’s safe and work on forgiving yourself because you deserve that. “

“Considerin’ yourself my doctor an’ a friend now, hm? Now you’re surprisin’ me, cher.” Max finds her zippo with ease and lights the end of her cigarette in front of him, taking a good long drag before she exhales through her nose. “You can try, mais, ain’ never been one to listen to tha’ kind o’ thing.” Another shit eating grin pulls at her lips. “As much as it ain’ needed, I appreciate the concern, merci.”

There were worse things out there than Cobb. In the chaos, and in the aftermath of having Nora repeatedly remind her that she was protected, Patty had plenty of things to focus on to help her forget how both men that day had threatened her. This was one of them. 

Sai’s hand slipped around her cheek and neck, under her ear to cup the back of her head and pull her into him, a gentle motion that nearly took her out of reality entirely. She shuddered into him if only because it had been a while since she’d been touched that way, likely her favorite way in the world. She liked feeling his chest on her face and his fingers in her hair. Sighing, Patty wrapped her arms around him in return, tips of her fingers barely reaching the bottoms of his shoulder blades.

‘Baby girl’ made her hum and blush, like, God, was he real? Patty swore there was no way a guy like this could exist at all, let alone in proximity to her. “Hope so,” she laughed, feeling bubbly and warm and damn near forgetting about all the turmoil around them. “’Kinda miss being handled.”

Patty pouts for him when he starts to talk about the wounded. She doesn’t let go of him, simply loosens her hold and tilts her head up to rest her chin on him instead. It’s clear he hasn’t been taking it all well, and why should he–he had plenty of things to worry about. Maybe it was irresponsible to downplay it, but more than anything, she figured adding to his anxiety wasn’t the right move here. So she squeezed around his waist too and grinned, large and theatrical and silly and, she hoped, with reassurance. 

“Don’t stress, they’re tough as fuck. All of ‘em.”

Sai feels her shudder under his hand and against his chest, and he almost says something. It’s an instinctive reaction though, not something he’s sure she actually meant to do, so he’s hesitant to bring attention to it. Instead, he hums with content as her arms wrap around him, gentle fingertips barely brushing his shoulder blades, and presses his lips and nose into her hair. It’s not a kiss -- not quite. But it’s close enough, and Sai finds himself almost knocked back by the surprising strength of his urge to complete the action.

Her laugh makes her comment seem more playful than it actually is; Sai isn’t deaf, dumb, or blind so he gets exactly what she’s saying. That he’s not letting her go and jumping back says a lot that he isn’t ready to examine. So he raises an eyebrow at her, playful but quiet. He subconsciously makes note of her statement all the same.

She’s beautiful, he realizes; painfully so with her face pointed up at him, brown eyes showing a flash of worry before her smile takes over her face and makes him grin right back. 

“ Matagofie, “ he whispers, tucking his face down closer to hers.

Her arms tighten around him and her words have the same effect, a full body hug in action and words that Sai sinks into with gratitude. His arms come up to round her shoulders, and he hugs her to him as he laughs into her temple.

“ They are. Everybody’s fighting hard to get back to where they were before. It’s keeping me going. I can’t give up if they aren’t. ”

“It’s worth it. It helps.” It wasn’t as heavy as it used to be, she’d made sure to go through it once they’d reached Lowe’s. It was lighter now Daniel’s things weren’t inside it, and she’d given out some of the supplies she’d been hoarding for emergencies too. Not a lot, just enough to make a difference. 

“I’m always okay. Don’t worry about me,” she reassures. 

“ Nice try, but you know I’m always gonna worry about you, baby, “ Sai teases. He reaches out to gently cuff her chin with his fingers. Despite what he says, he knows she’s been doing remarkably well. The difference in her since Ezra and Daniel’s return has been unmistakable, but even before that, she’d been holding her own. 

He gestures with his chin, the move encompassing her patrol of the area around them. “ How’re things looking out there? “

“See now, cher, I can’ tell you tha’. A girl’s got t’ have her secrets, non?” There’s a wink as she makes to walk past him, fishing her zippo from her bag, thankful it was still in there after all this time. “Don’ you worry abou’ me none. My lungs haven’ given up on me yet.” 

Carter failed to sneak off while most of the group was gone. Why she felt she would have any chance to make a getaway now escaped her. Still, she kept her bag packed just in case. In case she had the opportunity, in case anyone would finally tell her she didn’t belong there and had to be dealt with. Because if she stuck around, she was only going to be a danger to the group.

She glanced up at the knock and her stomach twisted in a knot. Sai had been the one that heard Carter when she called for help in the hotel, that saw her bloodied hands and helped Friday after she shot her. He knew everything, yet he still smiled at her, hoped she didn’t run and Carter knew it wasn’t right. 

“I, um…” she started, dropping her gaze to her lap. She tried to find something to say, some dumb lie to cover up why she was already ready to go, why she kept herself distanced from the group so often. Yet she was still a team player, still helped out. Maybe she thought the good deeds would forgive what she did, but she wouldn’t forgive herself.

“I’m not sure if I should stay. Not after what happened.” Her heart was pounding in her chest, her gaze still on the ground while she spoke. But she was finally talking, not keeping it hidden away, not making up some bullshit story. 

“I should go before…” before I hurt someone else.

His mind flashes back to the moment he knows she’s thinking about:

--back at the inn in the midst of all the ruckus, he’d heard a scream for help and rushed towards the sound without thinking. He’d seen her standing in the hallway, tears streaming down her face and blood stark and heavy on her hands. Sai remembers thinking she was hurt but then he’d discovered she was searching for help for someone else, the tiny redhead that had been with the group even before he’d showed up. Friday.

“ Carter... “

Sai steps closer and then settles on the floor in front of the young girl, hoping that being down at her level will make talking to him a bit easier for her.

“ She’s been asking for you, y’know. “ He doesn’t need to say who. They both know. “ She’s not angry, just worried about you. She knows that what happened wasn’t your fault. Just like the rest of us do. “

He meets her eyes, keeping his voice gentle as he tries to comfort her.

“ You shouldn’t go, not on your own. You’re safe and you’re wanted here, Carter. You’re not a bad person. You’re not a dangerous person just because you made a mistake. “

Max has a cigarette hanging from her split lip and a bottle of water in hand, just about to go outside and enjoy the quiet for a time when she hears him. There’s a chuckle in her bruised throat and she quirks a brow.

“You’re in a home store, cher. Go lift somethin’ heavy fo’ a while. Same thing.”

The accented, honeyed drawl stops him, Sai turning to the side knowing exactly whose face he’s going to see.

His eyebrows hike up his forehead when he spots the cigarette dangling from her lips. He forgets about needing a gym in favor of slipping back into doctor mode.

“ Where did you even find cigarettes, Max? “

She’s on patrol, more intent on doing another walk around the building when she spots Sai. His frustration hangs around him like a dark cloud and with a small smile, Naomi walks over, her thumbs tucked beneath the straps of her back pack.

“I don’t know… Think my noodle arms could use one more.” She raises an arm and flexes. There’s nothing there. “Gotta keep these guns up somehow, y’know?” She giggles quietly. “You uh… you alright?”

He smiles instantly, a practically Pavlovian response to the girl’s presence. It’s been a while since they last got to sit and talk -- since the hospital, he thinks, and he feels guilty for not keeping closer track of her -- so he makes a point of turning himself towards her to give her his full attention.

“ You’ll have biceps like melons before you know it if you keep lugging all that stuff around, “ he jokes with her. He’s seen her walking around, knows she’s patrolling the area like several others among them, and Sai feels proud of her.

“ I’m alright, sweetheart. Just got some extra energy to burn. How about you? How’re you holding up? “

He’s not as exhausted as he’d been, sure, but he’s had stressor after stressor pile up on him with no outlet. He misses free weights and punching bags.

“ I need a gym, “ he says to himself, not realizing anyone else was around to hear him.

With so many people hurt, the last thing Patty thought to do was bother Sai, even for a moment. Thankfully, he was well enough to help the others at all, the only light in this dark situation. Even still, she tried her best to stay out of the way, let him work, let everyone work, while she worked to find them what they needed. It was only when she managed to drudge up some medical supplies that she bothered walking back where the wounded were being treated. She reached out to stack some bottles of disinfectant and bandages on a table, looking up just as Sai spotted her. She didn’t expect him to light up like that, or to immediately strut across the room and…touch her.

She straightened her back and hated how her first reaction was apprehension–a feeling she quickly buried when he took her little cheeks in his big hands. Blinking hazily, she gaped at him a little as he spoke, lips moving over foreign but sweet–she could tell–words. It dragged a bashful smile out of her, surprised, flattered, pleased, taken aback. Her hands flew up to his just on instinct and she  laughed a little at how her face dimpled in his hands, smushing her words together just a little.

“Totally. I helped kill a guy.” She conveniently left out the actual brutal murder she witnessed Nora commit, mostly because she repressed it, all too eager to focus on more…pleasant victories. She turned her hand over on his, knuckles bent delicately, fingertips lightly depressing one of his veins and following the length of it.

“You’re gonna get yourself in trouble if you keep touchin’ me like this. M’not innocent.” She whispered a sultry warning, then glanced at his patients. “Everything okay in there? I’m really sorry. This was all I could find. I’ll keep looking, but…” She looked him over more closely, now that she had a choice. “Can I get you anything? You.”

Sai blinks then frowns, his thumb stroking over Patty’s cheek when she confesses that she’d helped kill someone. The doctor in him, the part of him that pledged an oath to do no harm and to do his best for everyone in his care objects to her nonchalance. A much larger, much more protective part, the part of him that had sworn to kill the son of a bitch who stole his wife and daughter from him truly doesn’t give a shit that one of the bastards that attacked them has been wiped off the face of the Earth. He’s proud of her for handling her business, if he’s honest. He doesn’t want that burden on her soul though -- despite her flippancy, Sai knows it can’t have been easy for her. She’s probably blocking it in favor of focusing on more positive things. So he won’t bring it up.

He’s forced out of his pensive moment with her next claim, laughing as he lets his hand slide behind her neck and under the silk curtain of her hair so he can pull her into his chest.

“ I’m a big boy; I think I can handle you, baby girl, “ he teases, letting his chin rest on top of her head for a brief second before pulling away again. His grin falters when she asks about the injured people he’s been taking care of. The zing of fire that shoots through his vein when she traces her finger down the length of it distracts him from how his bone-deep exhaustion has suddenly crept back up on him. He’s grateful she’s asked about the others though. And that she’s brought supplies, however meager.

“ No, don’t apologize, mama, this is great. Really. “ He runs a hand down her arm, squeezing gently to emphasize his gratitude. “ Everyone’s... alive, “ he sighs, “ slowly but surely getting better. “ He frowns. “ I’m doing what I can, I just... I hope it’ll be enough... “