you didn’t hear it from me but this is the polaroid neil keeps in his wallet and looks at every day
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you didn’t hear it from me but this is the polaroid neil keeps in his wallet and looks at every day

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love doing something I call ‘the big leaf test’ where I put my hand on a leaf and if the leaf is bigger than my hand I go damn that’s crazy
I believe deep in my bones that Ilya and Shane both indulge in private romantic fantasies but they're polar opposites. Ilya is daydreaming about kissing under the stars and holding hands and wearing each other's hoodies while traveling the world together. Meanwhile Shane has constructed an elaborate cohesive ongoing narrative where he single-handedly saves Ilya from certain death. In his daydreams that man is running into burning buildings, escaping tsunamis, taking down shooters, and fighting stalkers. He's walking through hurricanes, wrestling wild animals, and engaging in deadly highspeed car chases. Just the most insane intense shit you can imagine. And Ilya is lying there next to him like Yay I love cuddling my boring husband :) while Shane vividly fantasizes about Ilya calling him a smart good brave boy for saving him from psychological thriller villains. Do u see the vision. Because Shane does.
You look handsome in that mask, don’t you?
Me: Why do I have so much neck and back and knee pain?
Also me:
Lichenology is neither for the faint of heart nor the weak of joint.

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When #myshane retires, he doesn’t go into coaching or podcasting or whatever.
He becomes a consultant who shitty teams trying to not suck, good teams who want to last further into the playoffs, great teams who want to finally win the cup, call to Fix Them.
He is paid absolutely bonkers amounts of money to watch a team play for five minutes and immediately diagnose what’s wrong with them. He is always right.
Ok 5 minutes is probably an exaggeration. The coaches send him a bunch of tape to review in advance. They probably focus on their best players or the ones they think need the most improvement, but half the time Shane requests more, focusing on players they hadn’t paid much attention to before. Then one day at practice, the players look up into the stands and are filled with awe, terror, and wonder, because Shane Hollander is sitting there staring directly at them with a scarily thoughtful look on his face.
He meets with the coaches and gm and reports his conclusions. Who to trade and for who , how to get better results from certain players, how to run power plays and penalty kills, changes in line makeups.
Some lucky players get to meet with him. He takes about five minutes to list off or demonstrate everything they need to do to stop sucking. He has no time for chit chat or hero worship. Focus, listen, learn, and do exactly what he says and you will be good. Fail to do what he says and you will shame your entire bloodline.
I think that, if he’s not the one actually playing, this would be a dream job. It involves Knowing Things About Hockey, Judging Shitty Hockey Players, Getting Recognized As The Best at Hockey, Being Correct, and Making Hockey Better. He should get to do all these things
i think it is important to recognize the ways in which your favorite thing sucks. i think it keeps u normal
prev im so sorry to put you on blast like this but please know this had me in hysterics
LIKES TO CHARGE REBLOGS TO CAST
you people aren't CASTING
Ok but Cliff Marlow somehow managing to get into Ilya's phone after the Tunameltdown in the middle of the Hollandry crashout, and getting Montreal Jane's number.
The entire Boston roster piling behind Marly as he types, trying to decide what to say that could save them because their captain has been possessed by the spirit or a soviet military trainer with knife shoes and if they are forced to make double bagskates again they will either puke or die or both.
So Shane Hollander wakes up one day to a message from an unknown number like "Hello Miss Jane ma'am this is Clifford Marlow I don't know if you have heard of me I am sorry to be a bother I'm just wondering if you could give my good friend Ilya another chance, I promise that whatever he did he won't do again, we will help we will teach him to cook and clean and do laundry and he will cook you the best sandwiches ever if you only give him a chance only if you want of course if it's not too much of a bother Miss Jane please and thank you" and he goes through the seven stages of grief in like 4 seconds before it's even 7am. They manage to add the link to a very big spa gift card that they all chipped in to buy because at that point they're desperate.

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Like everything in his life, Shane is very pragmatic about sex.
First it’s planning their meet-ups months ahead. Shane has time to plan his outfit, do a pre-workout, and complete his prep routine. When he’s hosting, the temperature is perfectly set, lights low, fresh towels set out on the counters. When Ilya’s hosting or a hotel, he builds in time to do everything he needs beforehand.
Once they’re married, that changes. Living together means things can be a lot more spontaneous (which he loves) but he also likes to know The Plan™️.
And once they’re married, Shane has no problem asking for what he wants so he can plan out his day and routine. It’s not particularly sexy, but he guesses that’s married life.
“Ilya?”
“Hm?”
“Do you want to eat me out after the Canada match tonight?”
They had both been rooting for Canada at the world cup - Ilya even got them jerseys.
Ilya chokes and Shane frowns at him. “You okay?”
“I - just - what?”
“Well I’m going to do a full shower after my physio session with Amelia - I should be done by the time the Canada game starts. Oh - and I meant to ask if you liked those new frozen meals Lyn brought over. They’re a new brand.”
“I - yes, please Shane if I ever don’t want to eat you out, I have been replaced by aliens.”
“Okay, cool. And the meals?”
“Gross,” Ilya said. “But normal gross.”
~*~*~*~
“Ilya?”
“What?”
“Can we fuck on the couch tonight? With the fire going?”
Ilya grit his teeth and for a second Shane thought he would say no.
“Of course.”
“Maybe around 8? I bought 2 hour logs and the fire needs to be completely out by bedtime.”
“Okay.”
~*~*~*~
“Ilya!”
“Shane?”
“Look at your messages! I want to try that position. Maybe after we get back from our afternoon skate?”
~*~*~*~
“Ilya?” Shane asked through his cars bluetooth. Ilya was cooking and keeping him company on the phone as he drove back from an optometrist appointment. Much to his husband’s (fake) disappointment, his slight nearsightedness still didn’t need glasses for anything besides reading comfortably.
“Hm?”
“Did my package get delivered?”
“A package did. I put it on side table for you.”
“Can you go ahead and open it? I wasn’t sure what size to get so I got a few options. I want to try them this weekend - maybe Saturday? If they don’t fit, I’ll need to do another order tonight for 3 day shipping.”
He heard Ilya take a deep breath. He hated to give him another thing to do on top of making dinner, but he wanted to make sure they had the right sizes before they wanted to use them.
~*~*~*~
“Hey Ilya?” Shane said quietly, so the other people at the stuffy fundraiser couldn’t hear.
“Yes?” Ilya, his hand coming up to run through the back of Shane’s hair.
“I’m exhausted. Can we do shower blowjobs when we get home tonight?”
Ilya hand stuttered in his hair. Shane hated to disappoint him but he was too tired for his prep routine, his post routine, and cleaning the sheets. Or even getting up for Ilya to do it. Shower blowjobs had excellent clean up time and he could fall right into bed afterwards.
“That sounds perfect,” Ilya said, a little roughly.
~*~*~*~
Shane was going to kill him. Murder him. Like a sniper - out of the blue, at any given moment, Shane might call out to him all softly and then ask for hottest sex imaginable (all sex with Shane) AND THEN plan it for later, leaving Ilya incredibly worked up.
The worst part was Shane did not even know he did this to him - for Shane, it was just planning - run at 6, breakfast at 8:15, workout at 8:30, shower at 10, fuck husband at 10:45, off ice training at 12:15, etc. It drove Ilya insane.
But Ilya didn’t want to mess it up by acting on the extreme horniness he felt every time his husband causally planned out mind blowing sex. He knew routine was good for Shane’s brain and it would mess the routine up if Shane asked to pencil in a blowjob at 3:15pm and Ilya dropped to his knees right then. So he had to wait and wait until the clocked ticked down for their scheduled appointment. He loved it.
The worst types of cookbook:
The Ottolenghi - it is vital that you use 1g of this very expensive ingredient. It comes from a 500g bag with a one-week shelf life.
The time machine - 15-minute recipe! First, leave to marinate overnight...
The dishwasher - one-pot recipe! Now decant your ingredients and wipe out your pot. And again. And again. And again.
The optimist - cook the onions until caramelised (2 minutes).
The kindergarten teacher - get one nommable little tree of broccoli and bosh that into boiling water. Delish!
The brand names only - ingredients: Ritz crackers, Philadelphia cheese, Cool Whip, orange Jell-o...
The 1950s palate - use one (1) clove of garlic and a small pinch of chili flakes (omit if preferred).
The why bother with a cookbook - to make beans on toast, gently heat a tin of beans and put on top of freshly buttered toast.
#the overachiever: make this very time consuming ingredient from scratch even though it'll end up tasting worse than store bought
Amen to this @akasanata. "Now make your puff pastry from scratch". How about no❤️
“T-Fags” is a photography book exploring fag identity for trans men, trans masculine and non-binary people, by @el_hardwick & @orionisaacs_
whats your endgame you sick fuck
World Peace for Everyoneeee ^_^;;;; 🌈⛅️👬🌍🌿⭐️🩷🌎🌱👫🌼🍀🌏🩷🌷👭🌳🐛⭐️
jean <3

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Brushbuddy Witch Hat Atelier (2026) — 1x13 Kamome Shirahama