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JOKE-OGRAPHY:

The three synoptic Gospels (Matthew, Mark, and Luke), each have a part where they list Jesus's twelve closest disciples, also known as the apostles. The lists are mostly the same, though the order and names vary slightly. Lets look at them!

Matthew 10:2-4 "The names of the twelve apostles are these: Simon called Peter, and his brother Andrew; James, the son of Zebedee, and his brother John; Philip and Bartholomew, Thomas and Matthew the tax collector; James, the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddeus; Simon the Cananean, and Judas Iscariot who betrayed him."

Mark 3:16-19 "[He appointed the twelve:] Simon, whom he named Peter; James, son of Zebedee, and John the brother of James, whom he named Boanerges, that is, sons of thunder; Andrew, Philip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas, James the son of Alphaeus; Thaddeus, Simon the Cananean, and Judas Iscariot who betrayed him."

Luke 6:13-15 "When day came, he called his disciples to himself, and from them he chose Twelve, whom he also named apostles: Simon, whom he named Peter, and his brother Andrew, James, John, Philip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas, James the son of Alphaeus, Simon who was called a Zealot, and Judas the son of James, and Judas Iscariot, who became a traitor."

Here's some things to note in the Biblical lists:

Simon-Peter is always first, and his new name, Peter, is always included. Meanwhile, Judas Iscariot is always last, and he's always specified as the one who would betray Jesus. Spoilers!

For Peter's father's name, I looked to Matthew 16:17, where Jesus calls him "Simon son of Jonah" or "Simon bar Jonah" ("bar" is just the Aramaic way of saying "son of").

Matthew and Luke list Andrew next to his brother Peter, but Mark lists Peter, John, and James first before listing Andrew, because the trio of Peter, James, and John is given special attention by Jesus.

James is called the son of Zebedee, and together with his brother John, Jesus calls them "Boanerges," or "Sons of Thunder," probably because of their boldness and zeal... or maybe just because they asked to nuke a Samaritan town (Luke 9:51-55).

Philip and Bartholomew are always listed together, because they seem to know each other before Jesus calls them, and Philip was the one who recognized Jesus was special and brought Bartholomew to Him.

Bartholomew shows up in the synoptic Gospels, but not in the Gospel of John. However, John mentions an apostle named Nathanael who doesn't show up in the synoptics. To reconcile this, scholars deduced that Nathanael must be another name for Bartholomew. This makes even more sense if you know about "bar" being an Aramaic name-prefix that means "son of." Suddenly, any name that starts with "bar" becomes a patronym (a name derived from the given name of one's father) rather than one's own given name. "Bartholomew" probably derives from "bar Tolmai" ("son of Tolmai") and so this apostle's name was probably "Nathanael bar Tolmai," but everyone called him "Bar-Tolmai," which became "Bartholomew."

"Thomas" and "Didymus" are the same name. Thomas comes from the Aramaic or Hebrew word for "twin," and Didymus comes from the Greek word for "twin." Because John's Gospel mentions both names, I mentioned them here.

In Matthew's Gospel, Matthew recounts how he was once a tax collector, but left his post after being called by Jesus (Matthew 9:9-13). In Mark and Luke's Gospels, the same story appears, but the tax collector is called "Levi" (Luke 5:27-32) or "Levi son of Alphaeus" (Mark 2:13-17). I skipped the Alphaeus part in this because it was too wordy, and might accidentally make people think he's the son of the same Alphaeus as James. I don't personally think they were actually blood-brothers, but it's possible!

Speaking of which, among the apostles who are explicitly related to each other, we have the brothers Peter and Andrew and the brothers James and John. Other apostles may be related to each other, and while many headcanons rage loudly in isolated corners of the Christian fandom, such speculations aren't super important for faith, history, typology, or fun. For example, I really like the case for Other James (son of Alphaeus) and Other Judas (Thaddeus) being related to each other, along with maybe Other Simon (the Zealot), but I wouldn't hold anyone to it.

On that note, Judas Thaddeus (also known as Jude or Judah) is called "Judas of James" in Luke's Gospel. Some translations say "son of James" and some say "brother of James," but the original is just something like "of James," which is very vague. What was his relationship to James? WHICH James are we even talking about? These questions are the gray area where headcanons fester and thrive.

Simon the Zealot is also called "Simon the Cananean." Some sources think "Cananean" is equal to "Canaanite" (or "from Cana"). Others think "Cananean" derives from the Aramaic word for the rebellious Jewish political movement called the "Zealots," which didn't necessarily have to do with the location called Cana. I skipped calling him "from Cana" in this cartoon because of this confusion, and simply called him "Simon the Zealot" for now. Here's a Wikipedia section on this: Simon the Zealot: Identity.

And then of course we have Judas, who's mentioned last in all three synoptic Gospels' cast lists, and who's always specified as the one who would betray Jesus. I swear, you betray your beloved teacher Who happens to be God incarnate and directly lead to His death ONE TIME and you NEVER hear the end of it!