Reading @gallusrostromegalus‘s stories about their dogs (especially Arwen’s shenanigans) made me miss my fur babies. Unfortunately I don’t have many good dog stories as my lab is twelve and has the countenance of a dowager queen. However I do have a ton of stories about my asshole horse Doc that I think tumblr might enjoy. I know a large portion of tumblr sees horses as these bizarre, soulless reptiles disguised as 1500 pound death mammals and honestly, after buying Doc I totally get it.
“He doesn’t have great ground manners,” the seller warned me. Pshaw, I thought. I’ve been working in a thirty horse barn since I was seven. I’ve been stepped on, bit, kicked, dragged, and head-butted more times that I can count. I even survived Daisy, who was 14 hands of pure spite and arthritis. Surely he couldn’t be any worse.
My vet was much more direct. “Your horse is a f***ing asshole.” Apparently Doc was Not Pleased by the pre-purchase exam.
When Doc came off the truck at his new home, he may as well have been spitting fire. It took several people to wrestle him into the barn, and, after he’d acclimated, even more to put his saddle on. The assistant trainer (bless her) volunteered as tribute for his first ride. Even with one person at his head and another boxing him in, he still knock her clean off the mounting block. However once she managed to make it onto the saddle (after several unsuccessful attempts) he immediately went completely still, ears forward, ready to work. Since then he has developed a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde reputation- an angel under saddle, a dragon in the barn.
I want to make it clear that Doc does not hate people. He has since made a ton of progress in acknowledging that humans are small and fragile and that he can’t play with them the way he can play with his other four legged friends. He’s probably best described as a cat, if cats could stand six feet at the shoulder and survive off a plant based diet. He gets upset when people don’t pay attention to him. He is a very good cuddler if it is on his own terms, especially if you scratch his neck for him first. And sometimes he is far, far too smart for his own good.
Here are some other things about Doc:
The day before I left for college I tried to hug him goodbye. He bit my hand so hard it started bleeding, which I have to say is impressive for an animal with flat teeth. It’s been two years and I still have a mark from it. Thanks buddy, miss you too.
When he is particularly upset about something, the way he twists his neck seems less horse and more serpent in a way that makes it easy to remember we all crawled out of the ocean at some point not too long ago. I’d say there’s some kelpie in him except I haven’t managed to get him close enough to water to test it out. The grooms call him tiburón.
He has Opinions about anything that might be described as Weather, especially Cold Weather. I know movie horses have a lot of edited sounds added, but in real life they typically save loud, piercing noises for circumstances of Dire Stress, such as extreme pain or being separated from the herd. My horse screams like he’s been impaled when his blanket is removed. It’s honestly the most relatable thing he’s ever done.
He tried to sit on the vet tech once when she picked up his hoof to do a routine exam. The angle between his body and the ground was reminiscent of the titanic hitting an iceberg. She ended up supporting most of his body weight while I tried to pull him back to an upright position. She’s about five feet tall and I’m afraid to cross her now.
He’s really, really bad at eating apples.
He breaks things. A lot. By my count he has snapped a halter, two sets of reins, four nosebands, and a lunge line. He has also torn his blanket multiple times. He is the reason my bank account is crying.
He spooked at a pony once while we were cantering- like really spooked, doing a full 180 spin and almost pitching me over his shoulder. I can’t even be mad. Everyone should fear ponies.
He likes babies? Once at a horse show some guy walked up to us with his six month old child and asked to pet him while we were waiting for the schooling ring to clear. I’m sorry, I tried to tell him, my horse has poor manners and your child is distinctly snack sized. “Oh don’t worry, I grew up with horses,” the stranger reassured me. He then proceed to immediately shove his Appetizer straight in Doc’s face, which is not something you do if you grew up with horses. I stopped breathing. Doc stopped breathing. My trainer, standing on the other side of the ring and watching this interaction with mounting terror, stopped breathing. The baby tugged on Doc’s nostrils with its meaty little baby hands. “See, it’s fine,” the man laughed before walking off, presumably to find a pack of wolves for his baby to cuddle with.
“Holy shit,” my trainer said when she finally managed to reach me. “How stupid can you be?” We stared after the man for a minute in dumb silence. “Maybe he’s secretly a softie,” she suggested, reaching out to pat his shoulder.
Doc immediately salvaged his reputation by trying to take a chunk out of her ribs.
He has a better sense of direction than I do, which translates into some interesting trail ride attempts. He Will Not be ridden to the ring; attempts to do so will be met with the kind of acrobatics that make me think he might have been a lipizzaner in a past life. However, he is more than game for a trail ride after work time is over and will happily cross bridges, splash through puddles, and say hi to some deer friends as long as our destination the barn.
Oftentimes he scratches himself behind the ear with his back foot while I am on his back. Alternatively, he will chew on his hind leg like a dog with a bone, also while I am on his back. Horses do this fairly often, but usually not in the middle of a ride. He often manages to kick my foot during this process. He never seems concerned about this small detail.
Listen, I know horses have a third eyelid but it STILL weirds me out when he yawns and his eyes roll back and you can see it. Why doesn’t it look this creepy on my dog. (Side note, this also is how he snapped at least three of the nosebands)
I miss my big dumb dragon.
