"do it scared" ok but I would like to do something some other way occasionally. Like at least once. For a change.
Acquired Stardust
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@atarax-ic
"do it scared" ok but I would like to do something some other way occasionally. Like at least once. For a change.

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jack of no trades. master of fuck all
at least sisyphus only had one never-ending task. i have like 50 and all of them cost money
Iβd pray if I thought god could hear me.
Why pray to god, when I know I won't be heard?
Once upon a time, I had hopes that they would reach someone.
Old habits die hard, I suppose.

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on self-sabotage
the bomb, florence + the machine// appointments, julien baker// abject permanence, larissa pham// never wanted to dance, mindless self indulgence// king, florence + the machine// quote: lauren e. bowman// in the woods, tana french// does the universe fight for souls to be together?, jamie varon// olivia laing on loneliness, marrying the poet ian patterson and the challenge of intimacy// left alone, fiona apple// @mjalti //renegade, taylor swift// a burning hill, mitski// ICU, phoebe bridgers// legit tattoo gun, the front bottoms// just, radiohead
Autobiography of a Wound, Brynne Rebele-Henry / X / Blythe Baird βIf My Body Could Speakβ
AnaΓ―s Nin, The Diary of AnaΓ―s Nin, Vol. 1: 1931-1934
life is vulnerability

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Kay Redfield Jamison,Β An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
i still donβt know how to talk about it.
there was a time when i was better at poetry. i think i was on better medication then. i think i did talk about it, kind of, in the ways i knew how.
i think part of what makes it so hard is that itβs not over, and it will never be over. still a little kid, still thrashing and kicking, choking on snot and tears, whistling sobs. did you know it isnβt better when you can fight back? it doesnβt stop. it doesnβt make it feel better. it isnβt less shameful to remember.
i cried so hard it made me sick. thatβs what happened, actually, i think. i got so scared and so tired that i stuck that way, like they always warn you is gonna happen when you make a face. and now itβs over, but itβs not over. and iβm always tired like somethingβs holding me down. like someoneβs holding me down. and they are.
sometimes i think about it, about whether they should get in trouble. nobodyβs ever going to court for this. nobody remembers me. sometimes iβm ashamed. i couldnβt have been the only one, no matter how much it felt that way. who else did they hurt? who else have they hurt since?
itβs such a niche thing, is all. when you say he touched me or she hit me thatβs clearcut. when you say a normalized institutional form of violence thereβs a bit of a dawning lack of comprehension. and it can be more understandable, to say they held me down. i was crying, i was screaming, i was begging for it to stop. but then you get to no, nothing else. no, you donβt understand- they just held me down.
i am being held down. i will never get up off the tile floor. i am pinned to it like a bug, like a wild animal. the body knows what the brain refuses to think of: i am never going to be let go. i am never getting up.
β Jenny Slate, Little Weirds
Yulia Shibirkina

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la collectionneuse, eric rohmer, 1967
every good thing has the inherent sadness about it for when it passes and it will have to pass. everything will have to pass. its all onboarding trains and then watching them go by from train stations and i hope the next thing i love kills me