Nerd Lyfe

I'm actually so sick at how Akechi purposely tried to keep Ren at arms length in third sem and allowed no vulnerability to slip through not only for Ren but for himself too. To not give himself the time to start to dwell on the fact that he's dead and will not get to have this. Nor to give himself the time to regret his suicide/sacrifice.

Maybe regret isn't the right word but. Dejection? Sorrow? The "what ifs" of if he got out of there with them? I think a lot about how Ren's desire is not flattering but sickening to Akechi not only because he believes Ren wanting him here is illogical and that he deserves nothing but death or cold, lonely atonement, but because of the fact that it was his one desire that was so strong it was the thing Maruki used against him, aka using Akechi as a puppet. He indirectly made him live yet again as a puppet, the torturous life that he freed himself from in the engine room. That he gave him more time to think about what happened in the engine room, that he gave him this will.

I refer to his death in the engine room as a suicide because it really is one to me but just can you imagine what it's like, willingly letting yourself die as a sacrifice, not wanting this death but accepting it, and then suddenly you're alive, and you're forced to be able to grieve yourself? He thinks his death was righteous, and he'd choose it over and over again- however, he's still a human boy who had the childish wish that he just wanted to play chess after school with ren. he still *wanted* in third semester. he wanted to live in the "what if" of if he and ren could just. be alive. together. But the thing he and Ren have in common is that they are both strong enough to put aside their personal desires for the justice they believe in. In every timeline Akechi would destroy Maruki's reality and Ren will let Akechi go to destroy it.

Wrapping back around it just devastates me thinking about the fact that, in Yusuke's words “he fought all this time, knowing he was going to disappear." The entire third sem he kept his head onto the goal ahead because indulging in anything else would be too devastating. He can't let himself feel the same sentimentality that Ren does because it *hurts.* It hurts so much that he's dead, and he's scared. He didn't want to die. He died as the lost player in a game by God, his every action leading up to his death ending up meaning nothing. He didn't want to die, he wants to play with Ren. Ugh. there's a reason why "no more what ifs" is his song. He wanted and was ready to be freed from everything. that everything- the revenge plan- was exhausting. but. he still had desire to live. his wish proves that. his refusal to be vulnerable too. just has no desire to live as a puppet- which was his only choice if he chose to live.

it hurts much more when you have the same perspective of the engine room scene as I do, which is the fact that I don’t see it as his last grand gesture of fighting back. I hate the interpretation that his sacrifice was this great good deed, that he died with fight for justice. he died in the palm of someone, still controlled by god. yes his sacrifice was inherently good but he did it cause he lost everything not out of kindness. it shows his character, how he falls, the contrast between the acts of him and the PTs, how easy it is to fall, etc; but is not a grand conclusion to his morality. He also went into it sorta knowing he was going to lose. He just selfishly didn’t want to be the only one to.

I was reading a post once about how if Akechi lives that it undermines his actions in the engine room, that he died being a great sacrifice who came to justice, and i couldn’t disagree more. He didn’t die a hero, nor die in just; him and ren were pawns to see who wins and he lost. he didnt win against fate. passing off the act of justice to ren was an act forced upon him, not willing. he realized then, that everything was for nothing, and if he was going to die, then at least he can selfishly give the job to someone else. He was forced to give up.

I really fail to see how death is meaningful in that moment for him. The engine room scene is powerful, but not in that way to me. Ren and Akechi were put in a “who will prevail and who will fall” situation by God, so then following that exact line of fate is meaningless, when the theme of p5 is fighting back. Akechi’s sacrifice also didn’t mean shit about fighting back LMAO. shido didn’t gaf and the PT’s were going to change his heart either way.

Akechi passing it onto the PT’s was also his desire for his actions to mean something. While I’m glad the beta third awakening was scrapped, I do wish they left some showing that Akechi is bitter about the engine room. He wanted to be the one to revenge Shido, more than he cared about the act.

So all in all, you are basically forced in a situation to commit suicide/make yourself a sacrifice, dying as a puppet where you failed your mother, you failed yourself, at least satisfied with the fact that it will all be over, but then you wake up again, with no memory of how you survived, lost and confused and why aren’t I dead I should be dead. Please let me rest. But the boy who should hate you the most wished for you to be here, and that’s so, so aggravating, it’s the most aggravating thing in the world, and yet you can’t help but to also wish you could be with him. You want to stay. You want to stay where you can be with him with your own free will. But you can’t. So the desire is meaningless, a sickening pit in your stomach. And you’re scared, you don’t know what will happen when it’s time for you to disappear. Will it hurt? You don’t want to die. You want to die. But you don’t want to die.

Art blog I saw just now: *consistently describes its posts in the flustered idiom of DeviantArt softcore circa 2005, complete with referring to penises as "peens"*

The monkey's paw:

just. the fact that akechi throughout your entire relationship with him is constantly hypervigilant about and seeking to determine which one of you is superior. he never once sees you two as equals, only as rivals in a back-and-forth for who is "better", whether that be your mementos duel or his thinking he's 2 steps ahead of you with his plan. between the two of you there is one who is better and one who is worse and that is the nature of your relationship. and ren of course is hard to read as the player character but, while playing into that dynamic, I personally believe sees akechi as an equal perhaps due in part to your shared power. he extends the olive branch in the engine room with the rest of his team for akechi to join them, so clearly there is an intention for collaboration there and although he may have more power and prowess than akechi, he is no less of a person to him than ann or ryuji or makoto or anyone. but akechi cannot comprehend that. there is him and there is criminal trash and that is the division.