Theodore

I'm starting my new job Sunday. I mean, technically not new, I'm a rehire. I'm so happy to have another job, fuck man I've been out of one since May I have been severely struggling.

I mean nothing to him, Im disposable. Should I rip the bandage off and say we dont have to be friends anymore? I mean truly, I cannot and am not interesting enough for him to keep around. He at best tolerates me. I dont respond in a timely manner. I should just give up trying to have friends, only focus on my love and myself.

To be loved in a way where I'm viciously protected by my beloved like I'm protective over them

I realize this may end in failure. But dammit I want to be better. I have a need to be better. I cannot stay this way. I wish I could keep motivation, it comes for a day at a time and leaves for weeks or even months and its so hard to find it again. I wish I knew how to keep it.

Doesn't have enough energy to hate me. I'll take that as a good thing. I'll be delusional and look past the little barb that was said along with it.

I'm scared I'll become too attached and fuck my whole life up.

Tomorrow I am to go to church with my mother. This was the first time she's asked me to go since I told her I was no longer going. Since it has been so long, I'm deciding to be nice and go with her, since she misses me going. I'm not excited though and I refuse to dress as a typical church girl would. Number one; not a girl. Secondly, I no longer care what they think of me. I want them to look at me and think I'm going to hell. Because I'd be doing something wrong if in their twisted eyes, I'm going to heaven. I know they're going to try to "recruit" me back, tell me how much I'm missed. Hah- you don't miss me. You cannot miss someone you don't know.