Not Your Asian

A friend of mine recently told me that one of my white exes is now dating another East Asian girl and against all my better judgement I decided to lurk her Instagram. My stomach sank when I stumbled across a cosy selfie of them; there was a long caption on the photo thanking him for being so understanding and supportive towards the oppression she faces. It was frustrating to read her words of praise whilst remembering my own experiences with him. The painstakingly long discussions bringing up my own personal trauma again and again, just so he could gain some perspective. Detailing the negative aspects of my life in Australia, laying out the differences in our privileges just so he could have an insight to the racism I endured. As much as I wanted to be happy for her knowing that my ex is now a more supportive, understanding partner, I can’t help feeling that I was his “gateway PoC” in all of this.

My friend had coined the term “gateway PoC” to describe ourselves in relation to some of the white people we had dated. We’d put up with the casual racism, the microaggressions and then later the emotional labour it takes to educate someone, just so we could have the support we required.  Because of us, these people changed their perspectives on racism.

“I’m usually not attracted to Asian girls but you’re really pretty” 

“I went to Bali once so I understand your culture, I mean how different is Bali to China right?”

“My mum LOVES Asian babies, so she would definitely love you”

These  statements were repeated to me so much on dates that I’d even play a game with myself. 1 strike for every Asian country he brings up thinking its the same as China. 5 strikes for him assuming something about my personality because it was a stereotype perpetuated by the media. 10 strikes for when he starts making remarks revealing his disturbing fetish for Asian women. I knew deep down my dates weren’t trying to hurt me with those statements, they were just trying to find something to talk about without realising my race shouldn’t be a topic of discussion. Often I would just endure the date regardless of their ignorance, remembering a time where I was also ignorant of similar issues. I believed that if I could educate myself then maybe I could educate them too.

Educating someone who has grown up with all the privileges you didn’t have is a daunting task. Penetrating the cloud of entitlement in order to dismantle their perception of how society functions inevitably leads to difficult conversations.  I’ve had conversations centered around why I can’t stand my partner’s family because I’m sick of his mum showing me photos of Asian babies she wants to hold. I’ve had to help partners understand why I was so upset that they didn’t speak up for me on the train when someone called me his ‘mail order bride’, even though I’d previously made it clear that it was my voice that needed to be heard in discussions about racism. As hard as it was for me to talk about, I understand that these discussions were also hard for my partners to hear. The truth can be difficult to bear. And, when the relationship is over due to other aspects such as work, timing or perhaps meeting someone else, you can’t help but wonder what your emotional labour was worth.

A question I always ask myself is: would my partner have learnt about these issues if it weren’t for my consistent push for it whilst we dated? I can’t help but feel disdain towards people who use their past relationships as a way to put themselves on a pedestal in their understanding of the systematic oppression that divides us. Using me to claim they were now “socially conscious”, not by telling people how much work I put into helping them understand, but by saying: If Jenny was with me, then I must be a good white guy. It gets easier and easier every day for people to access resources to educate themselves on issues relating to oppression, so I can’t help but wonder would my ex’s have sought out this information on their own accord?

I don’t remember too many moments from my early years of school but there are a few that still resonate within me. I remember my mother warning me that white people might be rude to me on my first day of school and then the fear I felt when I saw that everyone else in my class was white. I remember being asked multiple times “Why do your eyes do that? Can’t you open them?”. I remember crying because I got told I was ugly all the time. I remember not understanding why I wasn’t allowed to join in on school yard games because I had brought rice for lunch. I remember being confused about why most the Barbie’s looked like my peers but none looked like me. I don’t remember many conversations I had throughout my years of school but I do remember a conversation I had with a fellow student, it is still clear as day in my head. 

Her name was Sofia. My first impression of her when she was introduced to the class as a new girl in grade 4 was that she was beautiful. She had very large dark eyes, long black hair and a perfectly shaped nose. I was particularly jealous of her nose bridge because I was always made fun of for having a flat face. We never played together during class or lunch time but we did talk to each other whilst we both waited for our parents to pick us up after school. One day we were asking each other questions like what colour hair and eyes we could have if we could choose. We both wanted pink hair and bright green eyes. She then asked me what colour skin I would have if I could choose. I immediately said purple, it was and still is my favourite colour. Then I asked her what colour skin she would have if she could choose.

“I want white skin”

“Why? It’s so boring! Purple is much better, or pink! Even green, you’d look so cool! like an alien”.

I have just recently moved from Australia to Europe. Currently I am living in a small city in France, it is quaint and lovely. Australia should’ve always been my home. Both my parents migrated there to escape political turmoil and hoped that I would flourish there. I was born there, I was raised there, I went to school there, I have friends there and I almost made a life for myself there but something was always holding me back. That something was the blatant racism and constant microaggressions I had to endure on a daily basis.  Over the last few years I did learn to overcome the racism and not let it affect me as personally as it did when I was younger. Recently everyone has also become more aware of the issues surrounding racism. I found some comfort in knowing that my feelings were valid, even though my peers did sweep it under the rug in my adolescent years. As I realised the validity of my feelings, I began to be more vocal about these issues, to create more awareness. 

I shared these issues on a weekly basis on social media and spoke about them with my peers daily. I posted about personal experiences, read articles and pulled out the key points to share with people, it was emotionally labouring but also fulfilling. I had even started to write my own pieces about my personal issues with discrimination. However there was always one thing that irked me. Something that I could never fully get my head around. What bothered me over the past year of everyone becoming more “woke” on racial issues and privilege is that a lot of people, my peers included would just stop at acknowledging their privilege. It is a step forward for someone to acknowledge their privilege but why is there no further movement? What is the point of acknowledging your privilege if you aren’t going to do anything about it? 

As a person of colour who is vocal about racial issues, I don’t actually do it to educate racists. If you think about it, I can’t educate a racist. A racist will look at me and already dismiss anything I have to say. They don’t see me as an equal, they don’t see my opinions as valid. They see my posts as me just ranting about something that isn’t a problem to them. This is where I ask for those who acknowledge their privilege to step up. As a white person, you have white privilege. Having white privilege means other white people are more likely to listen to you. Me shutting down someone for their casual racism is seen as “too politically correct”, you potentially not. Me bringing to light that white supremacy is still a major issue is seen as divisive and “reverse racism”, you potentially not. Many of you have this privilege and acknowledge it, but why is it not being used?  More importantly, why is it not being used when PoC are not around? What I, and other PoC need is for you to use your privilege all the time, wherever it is necessary.

Here are some questions I’d like to ask and for everyone to think about*: Do you shut down family members that make racist remarks? Do you stop your close friends from appropriating someone else’s culture? Do you laugh at racist jokes made by your peers? Do you stop supporting celebrities who are overtly racist? Do you feel like you have the “white saviour complex”? Do you argue against “reverse racism”? Do you avoid companies and brands that are known to be racist? Do you deny white supremacy? Do you still hang out with people who are racist and not educate them on why they are wrong? Do you expect praise for being a white-ally? Do you feel indifferent about police brutality towards PoC? Do you argue that you had good intentions when accidentally offending someone? Do you notice that there is not enough PoC representation in the media?  I could ask more of these questions but I think these are enough to trigger some thought.

The “Where are you from?” question is one of the most common questions I get asked. People ask me where I’m from more than they ask me for my name. Recently after having a number of people ask me to validate the scenario in which they asked the question (which is a whole other issue in itself, I don’t exist to console you on your accidental racism), it has caused me to critically think about when it’s actually okay to ask. There are usually three reasons why a person asks me where I’m from. These three reasons are; they are a blatant racist, they think I’m attractive or they want to learn about my culture. Using these three main motives behind why this question is usually asked, I have decided for myself when it is justifiable and when it isn’t.

The blatant racism:

“Where are you from?” “Melbourne” “No no, I mean before that” “Still Melbourne” “Nah, you’re lying, you’re not from here, look at you” Unfortunately this conversation scenario happens to me regularly. For someone who was born in Australia and lived here most my life, I am still having to convince people that I “belong” here. It’s ridiculous. Obviously in this situation, it isn’t okay to ask “Where are you from?” If you’re thinking about asking someone that question because you don’t think they belong here, do everyone a favour and don’t open your racist mouth.  When complimenting my appearance: 

First of all, I would like to begin this post by stating that I am in no way trying to take the severity of the problems that people face away from them. I understand that a lot of people would face different types of discrimination in which they are more than valid to be upset about or offended by. What I want to talk about is essentially what I went through and how I overcame the negativity.

For people living in western society, we live in a system that is made up of the privileged and the oppressed. Obviously the divide isn’t that clean cut as there are many different factors that contributes to a person’s privilege or oppression. However to break it down, the majority of the people in the system we live in are privileged. A privilege that allows them to not be discriminated against, something they are usually born into. They were given the privilege to not be racially profiled on paper. They were given the privilege to not have to work three jobs to support themselves through school. They were given the privilege to kiss their partners on the street without being verbally attacked. They were given the privilege to be comfortable with the gender they were assigned at birth. They were given the privilege to discriminate.

When you are part of that system but on the other side, the side of the oppressed, it is a completely different environment. I am regularly discriminated against due to my skin colour. I face problems such as being tokenised amongst my peers. I am fetishised whilst trying to date men. I’ve been turned down from jobs via email because they were worried my English speaking abilities might not be good enough. I’ve been accused of lying when I said I was from Melbourne. I could also list the racial slurs that have been yelled at me when I was just trying to walk down the street but we’ll be here for a while.

For me, I remember a time where I wasn’t aware of the privilege that others had over me. I remember being stoked that I was finally accepted as “the token Asian friend” amongst a group of white girls in high school. I remember feeling complimented when guys would come up to me and tell me they were only attracted to Asian girls. I guess with being ostracised so regularly, I confused that behaviour with them giving me a sense of belonging but not realising they didn’t actually see me as equal. So imagine my reaction when I learn that everything that I knew growing up was wrong. Finding out that I didn’t have to put up with being called the “token Asian friend”. Finding out I didn’t have to laugh at the jokes made about my race to fit in. Finding out that guys who I dated were only attracted to me because of a lewd fetish. Finding out that it was actually valid for me to be upset when I got called things like “chink”, “gook” and “ching chong China”. It lead to a massive identity crisis.

The identity crisis was extremely confusing to cope with at first. I felt uneasy about everything I had ever known. I regularly felt as if I was personally attacked by everyone. If someone made a remark about my ethnicity, I immediately accused them of being a racist. I started calling people out and making a huge deal about things so people would feel bad for me. I guess I just wanted people to feel bad for me because I’d felt bad for myself for most of my life. It got extremely overwhelming and took me a while to realise that I shouldn’t take these things too personally. I am just part of the systematically oppressed.

Racism isn’t the only type of discrimination that people face on a daily basis. Others include classism, homophobia, transphobia, sexism, gender barriers, ableism, body shaming, the list is endless. As someone who regularly faces discrimination due to my gender and ethnicity, I also realise that there is a lot of discrimination that I will never face being cis, straight and able-bodied. It doesn’t mean those issues aren’t important to me, it just means I know I can use my privilege to help others. It breaks my heart to see arguments between groups of people who are fighting for certain rights by shunning one minority group in order to gain more leverage over another. We are all suffering.

As I realised that, it became more clear that what I was enduring wasn’t a personal attack. There wasn’t a need for me to be extremely upset about it. If you think about it, the privileged person just doesn’t know any better, if they did then they wouldn’t have said it in the first place. Honestly most of the time I just feel bad for them, imagine being that closed minded? However if a privileged person is that close minded, it isn’t the oppressed person’s responsibility to fix their shitty behaviour but hopefully one day the privileged will figure out how to use Google and do some reading. I found solidarity amongst other people suffering oppression and together we empowered and supported each other with these issues. It was finding peace with other advocates of intersectionality that made me realise that I didn’t have to feel so personally vicitimised by the discrimination I was facing.

Now, even if someone says something racist directly to me, even if they single me out of a crowd, even if they call my name and make sure only I hear it, I know it still isn’t about me. It is about what they represent and the other side of the system which they come from. It is about how they grew up on the opposite side of oppression. It is about the privilege they have over me and their lack of understanding in what that means. Unfortunately there is no “quick fix” solution to all this oppression. How do you just remove the centuries of oppression that all minority groups face from existence? Of course it would be great if all this oppression could be fixed by tomorrow and we can live in a utopian society where nothing sucks, but if Pepsi can’t do it then who can? I don’t have a solution. All I have is solidarity and the privilege to openly discuss these issues. At least my government allows me to speak up against them and I have the freedom to post whatever I want online.

I would like to begin by admitting that at a younger age, I was extremely offensive. I was racist, homophobic, transphobic, xenophobic, the list is endless. Looking through my Facebook’s On this Day, I now just cringe with embarrassment and shame over the heinously offensive status’ I used to post. Homophobic slurs left, right and centre, asking people where to get Native American headdresses from and the list of derogatory Asian jokes was just appalling. I was extremely problematic and have now realised that my actions and words caused a lot of people to be offended and hurt.  

However growing up, no one really called me out on it. I actually can’t remember a time where someone told me to stop saying what I was saying because it was offensive. I guess it had a lot to do with the people I was hanging out with and also the fact that I was 15/16 years old. My peers didn’t know any better either.

As I got older and educated myself more, I realised all the mistakes that I had made throughout those years. I can not begin to even apologise enough for my words and actions. The reason why I did what I did was out of ignorance and fear. Because I didn’t understand something, I immediately put it down and still to this day, I regret what I said and did. I guess that’s why these days I’m so passionate about cutting someone off when they say something offensive. I want to make up for my disgusting behaviour. There are no excuses for what I did.

Recently over the last couple of years, I have become aware of the issues that are prominent in society, especially those based around equality.  I have actively read as much as I can and educated myself on the issues that stem around people’s ethnicity, gender, sexuality and other factors that they may face discrimination over. I have realised that there still isn’t any equality and that breaks my heart. The reason why these problems still exist is because there are still people out there that are as ignorant as my former 16 year old self. I meet those types of people everyday, whether it would be at work, online, social events or even just random people at the supermarket. Every single day I will hear someone say something offensive. What I believe that will help put a stop to this issue is educating people when they’ve said something offensive. I guess what I want to say to those people is: It is okay to be called out.

However more often than not when I pull someone up for saying something offensive, I end up being attacked. I have been accused of being “oversensitive” or “I’m just looking for something to be offended by”. Sometimes people even try to give me an excuse as to why it was okay for them to say what they said. I genuinely don’t believe there is justification for shitty behaviour other than plain ignorance. What I want to say is there is no need to get angry with me or to try and compensate with an excuse. It is fine to say something wrong, people make mistakes, I used to make the same mistakes. Ignorance can be changed. 

I just want to emphasis to everyone that it is okay to be called out. I still get called out and I’m totally fine with it. When I do get called out, I’m extremely appreciative that someone has stepped out of their comfort zone to tell me that I’m wrong. It is not easy to do that. Whenever I call someone out my heart is pounding with anxiety or I’ve had to pep talk myself into it. It is daunting and scary, especially when you are the minority without any support. But how else am I going to learn if someone doesn’t call me out? How else am I going to learn that what I’ve said is offensive? More importantly, how else am I going to help put a stop to it, if it isn’t stopped within myself?

“You can go to school, you can vote, you can get the same jobs, I don’t see why you need to complain all the time about being a woman” That was said to me recently by someone who I thought was a friend of mine. He is no longer a friend and I have removed him from my life. However, the pressing issue is that I know he still thinks that way. What’s even more concerning is I know there are definitely more males out there that think women don’t need feminism anymore.

It is extremely exhausting having to always fight and argue with males about the treatment I receive and having to “convince” them that it actually happens. Don’t get me wrong not all males are like this, some actually treat me equally and show me nothing but respect. They also offer me the safety I deserve which then just baffles me as I don’t understand how some males can treat women respectfully whereas others choose not to. It bothers me to think that some males genuinely assume I enjoy complaining about feminism and try to silence me. Why do I have to be silenced because you can’t be bothered listening to me “complain”? Do you think I want to complain? 

Do you think I enjoy being labelled “crazy” or “psycho” because I had a panic attack whilst telling someone about how I got threatened with rape? Am I really receiving an equal education when I would be too scared to go home from uni late at night? Imagine being absolutely exhausted and having to go on an anxiety fuelled walk home because I was afraid that a stranger would be waiting for me every corner I turned. Do you think the boyfriend I had at the time enjoyed coming into uni at midnight to pick me up because he was worried about my safety? He shouldn’t have had to change his lifestyle to keep me safe because men on empty trains still chose to sit next to me and press their leg against mine.  Also what is the point of being given the right to vote when the main candidates aren’t even actively fighting for women’s rights? In the US there is a sexual predator running for president. President?!  It sickens me to think someone like that is allowed and STILL running for such a high position of authority when there is so much evidence of their disgusting behaviour. How can we have one of the leaders of this society be a rapist? How?! 

As for the work force, I mean yes, I guess I can get the same jobs but try being female and working for a male boss. When I was 19, I worked at a cafe for a man who requested that I wore tighter shorts to work because “it’ll look better”. He also complained whenever I came into work without make up on and gave me a “warning” once because I wore a loose fitting t shirt which looked like gym apparel. Apparently my appearance is supposed to play a big part in my job as a barista. When I quit that job, I was sent text messages about how ungrateful I was and wasn’t even welcomed back into that cafe as a customer. Do you think I wanted to work that crappy cafe job where derogatory comments were made about my appearance daily because I didn’t, I had bills and rent to pay.