Still July.

but I hope I get this position.

Excited for these possible opportunities

and proud of my growth and for being recognized.

It’s been a tough time of constant changes,

but I hope these changes are full of promise,

positivity, and will get me to where I want to be.

Today hurt like hell.

It was nice feeling scared.

It was frightening.

I felt alive in a time where empty

is a much more frequent feeling.

But reality hurts.

A lot. Ha. Ha. Ha.

I worried for my little guy,

and how scared he might be

if I got scared, or stopped.

I just kept going and I’m

so thankful we found the way.

I’ll be smarter next time.

You live and you learn.

I still laugh in the face of danger.

My thoughts won’t stop.

It’s kicking my ass.

I’m so badly depressed I wish

I could pull myself out of the river

of fears that’s drowning me.

Why couldn’t I have been better?

I keep thinking of all the regrets.

Over and over and over and over.

Like a record skipping in my head

trying to play all the love songs

but scrathing it in circles instead.

I’m spiraling really hard right now.

I want to stop it,

Pick the needle up from the vinyl,

and let the silence wash over me.

You can’t do that to your head.

As much as I’ve tried,

it plays over and over again.

Scratching and scraping rather than

the beautiful melodies we once sang.

I’ve been spiraling so hard..

I’ve been so ready to stop.

I hate that time and time again

I find myself in gas stations

fueling bad habits and talking

to strangers behind masks.

Funny how kind some strangers

can be, and how little they know

that inside I’m struggling.

Thanks for the kindness,

and for understanding why

I feel the need to kill myself faster.

Even when you don’t know a thing

about me, is it my eyes that sold

me out? The dead and lack luster

looks shooting from what used to be

emerald pools, now muddied and gray.

If you’ve loved another yet,

Or felt the warmth of someone else,

Or feel excited about a new love.

It’s not my place.

It’s starting to feel like it never was.

Then I shift to thoughts like,

Are you happier now?

Is this truly better for you every day?

It hurts me so, knowing I was that awful.

I wonder if you think of me,

Or if you try to erase the pain as much as me.

I shouldn’t try to know.. it’s not my place.

I shouldn’t want to know.

But I wish I did in some ways,

Maybe it would help me

Move on and let you go.

I’m not ready, maybe you are.

I can’t sit here and hold any hurt and jealousy

when you aren’t even real anymore.

We aren’t even real anymore.

Maybe I shouldn’t have ever tried.

Because if I could go back and make all this stop

I would..

I would take it all back to the moment I saw you,

taco Tuesday and that stupid song that stole

My heart, the warmth in your eyes and touch.

I should’ve went to sleep.

Let you be happy with your family.

Fixed your shit before you let a crazy bitch in.

Wouldn’t have wrecked your home and life.

And you’d be happier.

Never having uttered my name,

Or touched my skin.

You’d have been happier..

As much as it kills me.

Fuck it’s killing me..