Ask Alice

So for my first non-boyfriend date in nearly three years I thought it would best to start with someone I had known for several years, was comfortable around, etc. So bring in The Tree. TT is the guy I dated, before the guy I dated, before my last boyfriend, but we've known each other since I was 14 and when he found out I was flying solo again he asked for a second chance on the dating game. We met at his house so I could catch up with his family before we went out. I LOVE his family, I know with some relationships people dread having to do the whole meet and greet family scrutiny. Not me, I love family, I embrace family, and for anyone who wants to get serious with me it's an understood fact, love me = love my family, we're a package deal, and likewise I want to get to know the families of the guys I date as well. TT's family has known me since I had braces and no drivers license, and we've always been extremely close so being able to see all of them again was amazing!

In a way that sort of reminded me of one of the problems in our relationship back in high school though, I always liked his family more than I liked being his girlfriend, but onto the date!

We started out with miniature golf, which despite the heat was so fun! Even though my golfing skills leave a lot to be desired, we had a blast catching up and were talking and laughing the entire time. Although my score was super embarrassing, my trash talk still trumped all and after two rounds we headed off to dinner since I had to leave early to go see a friend's show.

He took me to this AMAZING restaurant with amazing country food and great ingredients that are trucked in from all around our state called The Ranch. We also had to get a tito's tea and margarita in order to celebrate national tequila day and Happy Hour! Over the meal we reminisced about high school, talked about future goals and dreams, and he showed me that he really has matured since that 18 year old boy whom I had dated (as mature as a 21 y/o can be anyway). We spent so much time talking we didn't notice I had to be at the theater in 20 minutes! We nixed dessert, hurried out the door, but he did take an extra 10 minutes to drive me to a store to pick up some flowers for my friend. He dropped me off at my car and we ended the date with a hug and a plan for another date later this week.

This past month has been a crazy collage of devastating, miraculous, heartbreaking, and life changing. To start things of, my boyfriend of almost three years and I had a very sudden break up. It was rough to say the least. It wasn't just losing my boyfriend,but also a person who was in, quite literally all of my college memories thus far, a person who has seen me in more of an honest light than anyone else in my life, a person who was very much my best friend. The breakup however came at, what I now see as the best possible time, as three days later I left to go live and write in Paris for a month. I can genuinely say that if you have faith in yourself and open yourself up to opportunity then amazing things will happen, and God will bring you what you need. I went to paris knowing absolutely NO ONE, no longer having a boyfriend who was coming to visit, and having essentially little to no knowledge about the French language. Within a week there I found myself surrounded by some of the most amazing people and writing mentors, in what I now consider one of the greatest cities in the world. Paris has so much life and a setting that basically begs for memories to be made.

Within the first week I also got to know an extremely special boy who became and still is incredibly important to me. No he's not a romantic interest at all, he's someone who like me really needed a friend that was just that, only a friend. It's amazing to have someone there just when you feel the most alone you've ever felt who can be honest with you, get you out of your head, be wingman, cook dinner together, even have bro sleepovers with, Even though we are now back in the US we continue to talk every day and while I am in Prague next semester, he will be in London and we will be visiting each other! I will refer to him as The Dude or TD from now on in my blog.

When I was in Paris it also struck how after the initial pain of the break up passed, I was filled with,,,,a state of ease and relief. we're still so young and part of me thinks as amazing as what we had was, I stayed in the relationship because part of me was afraid that I would never find someone else who loved me as much as he did. But that's not a reason to stay with some ESPECIALLY not in your 20's. I grew up with this innate fear of settling, which is why I personally never saw myself getting married, however, after investing three years of my life into something, I had turned into a person I no longer recognized and hated being, a person who let the fear of the unknown hold her back and who had compromised for less than she had deserved and wanted out of life.Well no more.

I've also realized with the help of TD that I have never dated in my life. Don't get me wrong, I had boyfriends, way too many boyfriends actually, but I took the Rory Gilmore approach to dating thus far as in, if I was seeing them, a few weeks down the road I was in a relationship with them, I had never dated for the sheer fun/experience of dating.

I've fallen down on journaling every day, but seeing as in two weeks I'll be living in Paris for a writing program, I think I better back on my game. I'm in complete awe of the blessings that have come my way this year. In exactly 13 days I will be living the next 6 months of my life in Europe, 8 year old me is singing while swinging from telephone poles. When I started my journey of 2014 I knew that i was going to accomplish something and I am setting the goal that one of the things I want to accomplish is to have at least one manuscript in publishable order by the end of the year.

So I've just had a weird, weird day. I'm pretty sure it was all spurned because last night when I should've been sleeping for a 7:30 AM flight, my body was like, "That's cute, but screw you" Thus me being awake from 8 pm until about 3 pm the next day. I've done that before without much of an issue that's not what was weird.

I was actually doing down right great until the plane was about to take off. I watched a few movies, finished a few essays, got the starbucks, ya know whatever. But I'm in my seat, plane about to take off, and the minute that the plane lifts off the ground, I have this freakish wave wash over me and this voice goes off in my head just being like, "There's a good chance this plane will crash, you will probably die today."

Keep in mind that I've been flying since the age of two. I've done planes, helicopters, hot air balloons the works, not ONCE have I ever had  a fear of flying. I'm so comfortable in the air that when there's super bumpy turbulence I enjoy it because it's like a mini roller coaster to me-ironically I hate roller coasters themselves but fuck it.

So I have this demon spawn voice straight from hell predict this terrifying result of my flight, and out of no where I start getting visions (occasionally I get visions, flashbacks, combinations of both what have you) But get playbacks of this twilight zone episode (not the newer crappy ones but the ones with Rod Sterling that in my opinion give him godlike status) that involve this super overworked dancer that isn't getting sleep and ends up getting hospitalized because of it. She keeps having the same "dream" that she insists is not a dream but reality that in the middle of the night a creepass nurse passes by her room and she follows her down the empty hallway to the elevator and then take the elevator down to the basement floor, because obviously that is what you should be doing with your time at some absurd hour in an essentially vacant hospital.

Anyway so she follows zombie nurse down to the basement to the morgue, and then the door swings open and the nurse is there all smiles and goes, "There's room for one more Honey!" Naturally this is really upsetting, especially when she can't sleep anyway, and this keeps happening every night. She obviously tells people and they're all like you're overworked, you're under-slept, keep your cool ho. She's eventually released and books a job in Miami

She gets to the airport and shockingly the plane number is the same as the room number of the hospital morgue. She freaks out, but goes to board anyway and the flight attendant that greets her is, ta da the demon nurse, all smiles and goes, "There's room for one more honey!" Dancer flips out, runs away all like, "The fuck if I'm taking this flight." and as she watches the plane take of it immediately crashes and bursts into flames, killing everyone instantaneously.

This is in no way meant to be a rant of rage or depression. I fully recognize all of the advancements We've made in the past as individuals and as a society, but something continue to truly shock me. Last night I was browsing the internet for possible part time spokes modeling jobs. I'm a college girl, a little money on the side is good for everyone, true? true! 

So here I am going through ads and I come along one from Abercrombie and Fitch looking for beginning models. Awesome I thought! Until I read the requirements for Women models: 5' 4"-5'9": Waist, no more than 23-24".

I'm sorry what? As a somewhat tall woman at 5' 9" I find this repulsive! Even at the height of my eat disorder my waist measured 25" and I was unhealthily under-weight.

I know I know, another feminist rant bashing the fashion industry blah blah blah. But this is not me saying real women have curves or whatever bullshit. Beauty doesn't have a shape requirement. "Real women" are 6' 5" to 4' 3", they weigh 75 lbs to 200 lbs, they are not defined by curvy, stickish, apple, hourglass, what have you.

I understand that certain brands want certain looks and certain types of people to portray those looks. But even past the skinny/curvy argument this comes down to health. you're telling me that at almost 6' I should have the same waistline as a girl who is barely past 5'? That's insane!

There are massive health risks to being obese: blood pressure, heart issues, cholesterol, etc. BUT there are just as many risks to being underweight: blood pressure, heart issues...see where I'm going with this?

I wasn't always this self aware. It took a long time for me to realize that being healthy required not skipping meals and obsessing over every calorie. And even after working on this for the past eight years, seeing that 24" waist requirement and realizing that I didn't fit it...it was hard, it was hard to not immediately jump on a treadmill and not throw out every carb I had in my apartment.