I wake up in a cold sweat. I’ve been tossing and turning all night.
I groan as I hear J walk in while he’s on the phone “What do you mean? He’s scared? She’s fucking sick! Find a fucking doctor before I make my own house visit.”
He hangs up and comes over to my side, I feel his cold hand against my face “Fuck.” He sighs “You still have a fever.”
He gets up and goes into the bathroom. I curl under the sheets more, Im freezing.
He comes back with a wet wash cloth and he had let cold water run on it, he places it on my forehead.
I give him an upset look, “I’m freezing!” I try pulling away.
“You actually are burning doll.” He laughs and pulls me towards him and puts the cold rag back on my skin.
His phone rings, “Do not take that off.” He shoots me a look and get up and walks out of the bedroom door.
I stay in bed, I don’t think I can get up even if i wanted to. ‘I’m pretty sure he is overreacting to all this, it’s probably just a cold.’
I barley close my eyes and he returns. “A doctor will be here soon doll. Jackie is bringing you some soup.” He comes to the side of the bed again and brushes my hair out of my face.
Jackie comes in with soup and some crackers. She brings it to my side, I sit up and take in a deep breath through my nose, taking in the smells.
I shake my head quickly pushing them and the food away. I run to the restroom and hunch over the toilet.
I feel a small gently touch on my back, it’s Jackie and I can hear J on the phone in the bedroom yelling at someone, I’m sure it’s the doctor that he has been trying to get here.
Jackie’s voice is soft, “Awe dear, it’s ok. It’s probably just a bug. Mr. J seems to be overreacting, I don’t think it’s anything serious.”
I didn’t even know he thought it might be serious. I stay over the toilet and rest my head. My stomach feels upside down and I can barley stand back up to get back to bed. Jackie helps me and holds me up.
J is right by my side again “How are you feeling darling.”
“Fucking peachy J.” I moan back as I curl back into a ball under the sheets.
He lets out a laugh that quickly turns into a sigh. He covers my shoulders and walks out.
Jackie takes the food back downstairs and I’m left alone, curled up in the sheets. ‘Finally.’
I close my eyes and drift off to sleep.
I’m woken up by Js cold hand on my face. “The doctor is here doll” I grunt and cover my head with the sheets, I feel a little bit better. “Kat it will be quick, you can go back to sleep when he is done darling.”
I groan and uncover my head, the doctor looks like he’s going to pass out himself, he is pale white with fear.
“J, maybe, maybe leave the room?” He gives me a sparked look.
“Baby, he’s petrified!” I let out a small laugh.
“If there is a single fucking scratch on her that I did not cause myself, I’ll kill ya.” He has his face directly in front of the doctor, “I count them!” He opens his eyes wide like he is staring at his soul.
“Awe, isn’t that sweet!” I laugh and give J a stern look to get out. He steps out and closes the door but leaves it cracked, “J! Close the fucking door!” I hear him growl and he does as I ask.
“Look, don’t worry about him. As long as I get better you’ll be fine, i’m pretty sure its just the flu. He’s not as tough as he looks.” I smile at the doctor. He takes a deep breath in but I can tell his nerves haven’t calmed any.
“I promise.” I reassure him.
He gives me what he can of a smile and asks me to describe my symptoms.
“Well I’m fine one minute and over the toilet the next. I have a high fever that I haven’t been able to shake. Im cold. I’m tired. My stomach hurts and then hurts worse with the smell of food.” I rant on.
He just nods his head, he has me sit up and he checks out my vitals with the tools he was allowed to bring.
He asks what I have eaten in the past 48 hours. I list off the foods I remember.
He asks if I have been out of the country. I let him know I haven’t.
He asks if J and I are sexually active. I hesitate and say yes.
He asks if we use protection.
My heart sinks, I think Im going to be sick again. The doctor notices and grabs the nearest bowl shaped object and bring it to me.
I wipe my face, I look at the doctor with the most petrified look.
“Its ok. We don’t know yet. It could maybe be an ulcer or something.” He is trying to make this better, it’s not working.
I pull the collar of his shirt so he is close to my face, “If you say a fucking word to anyone about this, I will kill you.” He is terrified, “And I will not make it quick and painless. Are we clear?” He nods. “I swear, I will fucking kill you.”
He stumbles on his words but manages to agree to our terms.
“Now what?” I ask him angry and scared.
He is shook up, but tells me to get a test and if its positive I can go see him for any concerns or questions.
I feel sick again and run to the bathroom, there is nothing left in me.
My back hurts as I dry heave and start to cry.
J come full force into the bedroom, “What happened? She is still sick?!”
The doctor mumbles around again and tells J its an ulcer and that i need to eat bland foods, drink lots of water, get plenty of rest and he will fill me a prescription and bring it by later.
J doesn’t even respond to him and comes over to my side, “Why are you crying? Do you need something for pain?” He has his hand on my back and it makes the feeling in my chest worse.
I want him to get away, i don’t want him touching me.
“Im fine.” i manage between the sobs.
He helps me up to the sink and I brush my teeth again, i move like molasses as I get back in bed. I put the sheets over my head and fall asleep hoping this will all be a dream.
I wake up, still feeling sick. The bedroom door is still open but its quiet in the house. I make myself get up and go to the top of the stairs.
“Jackie?” I yell and whisper at the same time. No response, I say her name again, “Jackie?” A little bit louder.
She shuffles up the stairs. “Yes, dear are you alright?” She has her hands wrapped around my face.
“I am ok, is, is J here?” I look around before asking.
“No, he stepped out for a moment. You have slept an entire day away, you must be hungry dear? Just some toast maybe?” Her eyes are deep in mine, filled with worry.
“Toast is fine.” I make my way back into the bed and in a few minutes shes at the bedroom door. “Could you close the door?”
She gives me a questioned look but closes the door behind her, “What is it honey?”
I feel the tears breaking free, she rushes to my side, “What is it? Are you in pain? Do you need something? Should I call Mr. J?”
“No!” I blurt out, I catch my breath and grab her hand so she has full attention on me, “I do need something.” I bite my lip.
“Ok, honey just tell me, i’ll get you whatever.” She can tell im in pain she just doesnt know where.
“You have to promise, I mean really promise me you will never say a word of this ever.” She leans back a little bit and is hesitant but nods. “I need. I-I need a pregnancy test.”
She lets go of my hand, stands up and stands back. “A what? Kat! No, no, no, no!” she wraps her arms around me so tight and I sob into her, I can’t hold back anything. “Dear, look at me.” She picks my head up and stares in to my bloodshot red eyes, “I will get this for you, I will be here every step of the way and with whatever decision you make, ok? You come to me for anything! Do not hesitate, please.” Her words feel soothing as Im taking in small quick breaths trying to calm myself. She hugs me again, she doesn’t let go until my breathing is regular. “Ill have it for you in the morning, ok?”
“Please, don’t say anything.” I beg her.
“Not a soul dear. I promise.” She gives me what she can of a smile and leaves the room.
I sit there, i feel almost numb. I don’t think I have fully processed everything. I know I haven’t. Nothing is even confirmed yet. I eat the toast Jackie made for me, I lay back down and stare at the ceiling.
Im sure hours have passed and I haven;t moved a muscle. I hear the front door open and my heart sinks. ‘We ruined us.’
I gather my thoughts and emotions, I have to become the best actress there ever was until I figure all this out.
J comes straight to the bedroom, “How is my princess feeling?” He has a smile on his face, this meeting must of gone well.
“I actually feel a lot better. Stomach is a little upset but I just ate something and Im sure that will help.” I sit up in bed and smile. It hurts so bad to lie to him, straight to his face.
“Ahh, darling that is good to hear, would you like to watch a movie? Together this time?” He hops in the bed, fully clothed and shoes on.
“Whats with the mood?” I lean back and give him a questioned look.
“Well, I just killed a man baby, for 5 million.” He leans his head back and pulls out his phone.
I laugh and almost forget the weight on my shoulders.
“Whatcha looking at?” I scoot closer to him.
“Just wanna show ya something I got.” He flips the phone and hands it to me.
“Its a beach?” I laugh, “Can you buy a beach?” I laugh harder.
He snatches the phone back, “Its a vacation spot!” He tries to hide the smile
Fucking pit in my stomach.
“You ok doll?” He sits up and looks at me.
“Yeah, yeah, I am.” I clear my head. “A vacation? Just us two? Where?” I try and sound excited.
“Well a couple of guards but we will have our alone time.” He purrs and kisses my head. “Somewhere far, far away from… this.” He spreads his arms out.
“I thought you loved ‘this’?” I mimic his motions.
“Well, i do. I also love not having to worry about you. I can do that if its just us on a beach far away where no one knows.” he laughs.
I force one back, “When, when do we leave?”
“In 3 weeks darling, i will have Lucas take you shopping in the next few days.” He smiles at me.
“Can’t wait baby.” I force his arm around me and lay on his chest. His breathing is soft and mellow. While mine is racing.
“J, can I, can I ask you something?”
“Just about anything doll.” He is laying back relaxed.
“It’s about last night. The trigger.” I wait for a response and i don’t get one so i continue. “Why is that a trigger? Do you know?”
He is quiet for what feels like forever, I don’t want to move thinking maybe he didn’t hear me and therefore won’t be mad.
He clears his throat, “Darling, i kill people. Almost every day. Good or bad. I came to do business and that’s all I am here for. All sympathy is lost when i work, you know this.” he pauses, “I have killed many, many, many parents I am sure of it. I have killed someones kid. If i had a… ‘family’ I don’t know how that would effect my work. I don’t know if i could do it. I can’t even love you, how could I love a family. How could i be a… dad.” He says the last word is disgust.
“It becomes a trigger when you are involved. Not being able to give you the world. I am not good enough for you. You won’t be with me forever, I know that. I don’t think you do though.”
Fucking knife in my chest.
“Don’t. Don’t say that.” i whisper. “You are my forever.”
“Darling.” He says in a sigh and doesn’t say anything after that.
The morning comes and J is gone, as always.
I don’t feel sick, I actually feel fairly well. ‘Maybe it was just the flu.’
I get up, stretch and go wash my face and brush my teeth, my gums feel raw from brushing them so many times the day before.
I take a quick shower and I feel really good, I put on one of Js shirts, it fits long but not like a dress. i throw on some jeans and make my way downstairs for some real food.
“Good morning dear!” jackie greets me, “You look like you are feeling so much better, have a seat let me get you some food.” She serves me up some oatmeal and fruit. She takes a seat next to me as I eat.
“Is J here?” I ask in between bites.
“Another meeting.” She wants to talk about it, i can read it all over her face.
It sends a slight chill down my spine mentioning him at a meeting, knowing he is going to kill a mom, dad, son daughter, or some sort of family member.
I never even thought of it before.
“Were you able to?” I act like i am gossiping in the high school girls bathroom.
“Yes, dear. Eat and we can head upstairs. If you want me to go with.” She places her hand on mine, i nod.
I try and take my time eating but i don’t know when J will be home.
I let out a deep sigh as i take my last bite before we head upstairs.
Im standing at the door of the bathroom and stare at the box that could possibly change my life forever. I bite the inside of my lip and look back at jackie who is sitting on the floor by the door.
I walk in and shit the door.
I follow the directions exactly on the box.
Im nervous, scared, angry, devastated.
I walk out of the bathroom and go sit by jackie against the door. I set the test on the marble floor in front of us and bring my knees to my chest and hug myself. Jackie wraps her arms around me.
3 minutes go by.
I don’t want to look. The knot in my stomach is back and it ten time worse than ever before. I look at Jackie and she nod her head toward the test telling me to get it.
“Fuck.”
I can’t even cry. I don’t even know what I feel.
I can’t be a mom, he definitely has made it clear where he stands on being a father. My mind is racing on what I need to do.
“We have to get rid of this.” I look at Jackie with my eyes wide.
She takes it, and stuffs it in her bra and hugs me tight, “I am here for whatever you need.”
“I need, I have to leave.” I hug her back, not letting go.
She pries me off her, “What? Leave? Where? You aren’t going to tell him?” Her voice sounds like it is going to break.
“Jackie, he can’t be a dad. I don’t know what i am going to do but i can’t make that decision here. I can’t be here. I need to leave and find a new place to stay.”
She just nods and wipes her eyes, “Ok, where do we start.” she smiles at me.
“Thank you.” I smile back.
I grab a duffle bag and start stuffing it with only the regular clothes, the jeans and t-shirts. “I need a pen and paper.”
Jackie runs down stairs to get the items.
I pack my toothbrush and all my makeup and anything else i think I might need.
i don’t have a place to stay so i throw a blanket in the bag as well. I know the first place he will look is my old apartment.
Jackie comes back up with a notebook and a blue pen.
“Im going to write him a note, can you watch for the door?” she nods and closes it some.
‘J, you were right. I can’t be with you forever. It is not because you can’t provide me with my needs, because baby you have and so much more. I can never repay you for all that you have given me. It wasn’t love, but whatever came from you was far greater.
I just can’t be the person you need, you want, you desire.
Im not that person.
There will never be anyone else for me J, you were the one, and you were the only one, and you were amazing.
I know there is better for you though.
I love you. I always will love you. You will always be my forever.
I catch the tears trying to escape. I set the notebook on his pillow. I take one last look around.
“Goodbye J.”
Jackie walks me out front and hands me a set of keys.
“Where did you get these?” I look at her confused.
“Don’t worry about it.” She smiles at me, “Its parked a few blocks down, the opposite way Mr. J would come home, just in case. I got you a room at a hotel, the address is in the car. There is also money in the glove compartment that should last you a while, at least till you decide on what to do. Dear, don’t make any rash decisions. Think this through. All the way through.” She gives me a hug.
“Jackie. i can’t. Where did all this come from? Is it yours?” I ask wrapped in he arms.
“Its untraceable. Thats all that matters for now.” She lets go and reaches in her pocket. “Trade me.” Its her cell phone, “I will get rid of yours and I have my personal one, I put that number in there just on case, dear. You call me if you need anything.”
“Jackie…” I hug her again.
She knows if he finds me without all the information to make a complete story, he just might kill me.
I put the bag over my shoulder and start walking.
I deliberately walked away from everything I have ever loved.
The walk was longer than i expected, I would flinch at every car passing to see if it was J.
I finally reach the black unmarked car and get in the driver seat.
A small folded piece of paper has an address on it and I type it into the phone, a 40 minute drive. ‘Perfect.’
I drive off. My heart is racing, i feel like a nervous breakdown can happen at any moment, and I already miss him.
Time is my enemy, i just want to get there, unpack and get a plan together, or at least my thoughts together. It has only been 15 minutes.
Anger and regret start to set in.
‘Why did I let this happen, takes two to tango but I never even asked or mentioned it. How could i be so careless, how could i be so stupid!’
I can’t help but wonder what it is going to be like when J reads that letter.
He is going to hunt me.
He runs up the stairs full of energy after another successful meeting.
“Darling, we mi….”
He misses the note.
“Kat?” He checks the bathroom.
“Kat?” He calls her name out the bedroom door.
“Where is she?” He says to himself as he walks down the stairs.
“Kat? Where are you princess?” He laughs thinking she is playing a game.
He looks outside, in the lounge and everywhere else he could think she might be. He heads back up the the bedroom thinking she might be waiting there for him.
Nothing.
He walks over to the notebook and lifts it to his face.
He reads it.
He reads it again, and again, and again.
He puts his hand over his chest, in pain. In agony. His eyes close tight.
“What the fuck.” He sits down on the edge of the bed, he is hunched over and puts the note book in his lap and reads every word again.
He screams, its a dark, deep scream and you can hear the pain in it.
Lucas runs to the door, “Boss is..”
“Shes gone.” He gets up and storms out of the door. Lucas steps back.
“Where is she?!” He screams out in the middle of the house, the guards and Jackie come forward. “Where. Is. She.” He is infuriated.
The men and Jackie look at each other for answers and no one can give one.
He walks over to the front door “Jay.” He calls him out with him and he slams the door shut.
Over the next few days they are out till the early morning, sometimes J will take someone but most of the time he goes alone. He drives for hours, up and down every street, in and out of every store.
Nothing.
He comes home empty, and not just empty handed.
Im settled in. It has been a few days and I cry myself to sleep every night. I call myself stupid at least 3 times a day and I scream from the pain in my chest every morning.
I now know why I didn’t want to live without him.
The wrenching pain is almost unbearable. I pray for death every night.
I can barely get over the pain in my chest, let alone think about what I am supposed to do about the actual situation at hand.
Jackie gave me more than enough money for a few months, and the room has been paid for for 3 months in advance.
I don’t know what I did to deserve her, but I am grateful.
I order room service once a day, I know I need to eat something even though it takes me well into the next day to finish one meal.
It has been over a week.
I haven’t left the room once. No one has tried to get a hold of me so i figure, he must be doing quite alright.
So, i try to do alright.
Im miserable but I am trying.
I sleep most of the day and well into the night, I don’t have much energy for anything else. Walking to the bathroom has become painful.
I think of J every single day, I know he isn’t thinking of me though.
He has moved on and so must I.
I wake up one morning and the words float out of my mouth.
“Im keeping it.” I surprise myself when I say it, a smile is left on my face, I close my eyes and for once feel relaxed.
No one sees J anymore. He sits in his office day in and day out. Lucas and Jay are the only ones to see him, they are the only ones allowed in,
According to Lucas, it’s not good, he is not well.
He has his own team on a search for her, day and night they are out looking.
No one can seem to find her, not even a glimpse.
The house is full of tension, no one know what they can and can’t do or say.
“He has been crazy for a long time. I have seen him crazy, This, this is way past that.” Lucas and Jackie are talking at the kitchen table, “I wish she would come back. No one even knows why she left.” The guards are frustrated with the situation at hand.
“You don’t know what happened behind closed doors dear. It may have been in her best interest.” She rubs his arm in comfort.
The office door slams and everyone jumps a little bit. “We have to find her, boss isn’t looking good.” Jay comes storming down the stairs. He has everyone’s attention, “Do not come back without word of where she is. Don’t touch her. Don’t confront her. Find her.” Jays orders are heard and the men split.
Everything is feeling. Ok. I’m ok.
I scheduled a doctors appointment for tomorrow to make sure everything is healthy, I’m healthy.
My baby is healthy.
I get butterflies now thinking about it, I feel happy, just a genuine feeling of happiness.
Sometimes when I lay awake from the pain in my chest the feeling I get in my belly almost makes up for it.
“A mom.” I smile laying on my back with my eyes closed.
I get to start a new life. I get a second chance.
I’m finally able to leave the room, things don’t seem as painful as they once were.
I’ve been taking small walks down the block and back, I go early in the morning and again in the afternoon.
I smile at everyone that walks by, the people on this side of town don’t know me for what I was. They don’t know me at all. That brings a smile to my face.
A couple of guards come running in the front door, “We saw her!” They yell out, most of the guards stood, some just looked at them and waited for more information.
Lucas opened the office door and nodded with his head for them to come upstairs. When both men got to the stairs Lucas shakes his head, “Only 1.” Both guards give each other a concerned look, The more burly one stays behind. Lucas escorts him through the maze of things spread out. In the middle of the mess was J.
The emotions were spewing off him, you could feel the depression in the room. It was almost hard to look at him without being sucked in to the same emotions he had. He had a gun in his hand, you couldn’t even understand what he was blabbering about as he swayed the gun like he was conducting an orchestra.
This was the most frightening side of The Joker.
Lucas ushers the smaller guard so he is standing in front of J, he nudges him to speak.
“We, Boss, we saw her.” He is sweating profusely.
“Where. Is. She.” He holds the gun to his head and then drops it down to his side.
“She was walking by a hotel about 40 minutes away.” He put the gun down so the guard seems more calm.
This is after all what he wanted to hear.
“Was she alone?” He has a deep glare.
“Yes.” He stands there. He starts to sweat again,
“Load up.” J says in a deep voice, “We will leave soon.”
He lets out a laugh moments later than no one will soon forget, a laugh that sent chills down spines, hairs stand up, hearts beat faster.
It’s late and I am tossing and turning, Im nervous for the appointment in the morning.
I feel like I am almost free though.
I still think about J every day. I wish I could tell him, I wish we could be something, anything.
What I would do to see his face again.
I close my eyes hoping its a pleasant dream of my life that crumbled.
A pleasant dream about the man that stole every part of my being, that took hold of every damaged piece of me and put it back together the best he could.
He did’t know what he was doing.
He didn’t know he was creating his own nightmare.
I am fast asleep formed to the bed.
I wake up startled as a cold hand runs down my face.
It almost feels good, I open my eyes and jump back, I go to scream and his hand covers my mouth and the other hand is behind my head holding it steady.
“Daddys got you. Shh, shh, shh.” He has a grin that i have never seen before and he is so close his nose is almost touching mine.
Tears start to form, he is holding my mouth tight and its getting hard for me to breath. Im crying, sobbing, trying to get him off me.
Im weak, he has me pinned on the bed, his hand still over my mouth and his other hand on my throat, his grip getting tighter.
Its like something snapped in him, he flings himself off of me and shakes his head and paces the small room. He is talking to himself, i think.
I am having a hard time catching my breath, the tears won’t stop.
Part of it is fear, I don’t know who that was. J is deranged, violent and corrupt, but that, that was something else. I have never seen this side of him.
The other part, the deranged part of myself is heartbroken all over again.
I curl myself up in the corner of the bed, staring at him.
Every emotion comes flooding back, every memory, every kiss, every touch, every word that sent a chill down my spine, every smile, every stare, every fuck.
I run off the bed and exit the room, Lucas is blocking me from leaving.
I fall to my knees, i’m not going anywhere. My crying softens to a sniffle.
J walks out of the room and is standing behind me, I look at Lucas, someone friendly. I try and smile but I can’t force it.
“Im pregnant.” I let out in a calm voice, i still have eye contact with Lucas but it quickly goes blurry as the tears start to fall again.
J walks by me and leaves. He doesn’t give me even the slightest glimpse.
Lucas however grabs my arms and helps me up, he leans me against the wall and he looks hurt himself, he leaves and follows behind J.
I stumble back into the room and close the door. I can’t move any more, I slide my back down the door.
I can’t do anything but scream. The pain runs through my entire body, my nerves becoming inflamed, I scream again. Tears pour down my face, my bones start to ache, i scream again. My core feels ripped in two, my heart feels like it has finally been ripped out of my body, i scream again.
I collapse on the floor, my breaths are convulsing.
Morning comes quickly. My face is planted on the hotel carpet, my eyes open but I can’t move.
Minutes go by before I find the strength to pick myself up off the ground.
“The appointment.” A sudden spark comes about, a smiles comes and goes but at least it was there.
I throw my hair up and throw on light jeans and a t-shirt.
I should be excited, I should be happy.
I can’t feel anything though, my emotions were drained from me with every scream I could get out the night before.
I take a deep breath before walking out the door.
I make my way downstairs and outside, I see Lucas.
I just stare at him, I don’t see J but I am sure he is around. I start walking quickly down the street. I was planing on walking since it’s not that far, but it look like I don’t have much of a choice.
Lucas catches up quick, “Where are we going?” He tries to get a smile out of me. I don’t even look at him. “I, I don’t know what to do. Boss told me to not let you out of my sight. He found what doctor you were going to and told me to come with.” He lets out a sigh and just walks with me in silence when he realizes I have shut down.
It is only a couple of blocks away, I stand in front of the building i close my eyes for a second before reaching for the handle and walking in, Lucas follows.
“Hi, Im her..” I walk up to the receptionist.
She flinches at me and scrabbles some papers around,”Y-y-yes, we have b-been waiting for you.” She looks like she has been crying.
I look back at Lucas, “Seriously? Fucking asshole.” I follow the receptionist.
I feel all eye are on me, and they are. They think I have the spawn of satan inside me. ‘He wasn’t born crazy!’ I scream in my head.
The nurse stops and opens a door for me, I walk in and Lucas follows. I roll my eyes at him.
I can feel my emotions well up as this starts to set in.
The doctor comes in quickly, I can tell he is nervous, and so am I. I try and give him a smile, a glimpse of hope but I think I will vomit from all the emotions and nerves.
“I, uh, I need you to lay back. Just lift your shirt in half. Ok. Ok. Good. Im, uh I have to put this cold jelly on you, and then we can, we can see your uh, the baby.” He is flushed white, i wonder what J threatened him with.
“Do you know how far along, uh that you are?” He breaks my thoughts, I shake my head.
“I’ll get that first.” He puts the jelly on my stomach.
Nothing.
There is nothing there.
I can see the doctor panicking, He starts pressing harder on my abdomen.
“I took a test.” I have anger in my voice.
“Uh, You may not have been far along.” He doesn’t want to make eye contact.
“What?” Everything is hurting again.
He finally looks at me, “Look, this happenes all the time. The test was probably inaccurate.” He pauses, “ I can’t try and lie to you about this. It happens. You were never pregnant. Im, Im sorry.” He stays there.
I pull my shirt down and walk out, i head towards the exit. Nothing make sense, i try and shake my head to clear my vision, it doesn’t work. I feel completely crushed, more crushed than J has ever made me feel.
This was my new start.
I make it to the side walk in front of the door.
I fall to my knees,
I scream.
I feel Lucas wrap his arms around be, he picks me up and hugs me.
I let out another scream with my eyes closed tight.
When I open my eyes I see J.
Standing there, watching Lucas comfort me.
“Fuck you! I hate you J! I hate you! I hate that I fucking love you! I hate that I can’t ease that tight grip you have on me!” Lucas lets go of me, I walk over to J.
“You are the absolute fucking worst thing that has ever happened to me!” The words slip between my teeth.
His eyes are deep in mine, I know this hurts him.
“Im so lost in you I cant find myself J, I can’t fucking do it anymore.” I slap him across the face.
Red shows bright across his cheek, his posture changes like he wants to attack.
“I can’t do it anymore. I wanted to start new, Without you.” I collapse and he catches me in his arms.
I hold onto him.
“I can’t live without you.” His voice trembles.
