whimsical

‘was it?’ her words rang in his head, cracking open the what if’s that popped up in his mind from time to time. always during the late nights, always when his medication wouldn’t work and no amount of booze was able to cloud his emotions. seeing her hands reaching out for him made him nervous. almost as though she was trying to pull him back into the man that he once was, the man that was able to charm her and make her fall in love with him. the version of matteo that always stayed with a smile, and got a kick out of keeping the people that he loved happy  — gemma being one of those people. “ it-it had to be. look, you have so many things going for you. you have all of these amazing things beginning to happen in your life and you’re too hung up on me to accept it. i’m literally blocking you from finding any kind of happiness and the thought of that alone just confirms that as much as it hurt, i did the right thing. ” he knew that they weren’t perfect. that there were issues in their relationship that neither of them wanted to believe was true, but matteo knew that his bad habits was one of the things that broke them for good. just as he was about to open the door the leave, he turned around, her voice pulling him back in. just like it always found a way to do. “ why? so i can keep making you cry? ” he asked. “ there isn’t anything that i can do  — nothing i can say or even do can help fixed all that i’ve wronged. you should want nothing to do with me, gem. you should be begging me to get out, and yet you still want me to stay. ” he wanted her to yell at him. he wanted her to hit, push, and tell him that he’s the worst thing to ever happen to her. he needed to hear her say that she no longer wanted him in her life anymore, tell him all of the right things that he needed to hear that would make walking away from her one last time along with the memories that they’ve shared for good. because looking at her now, seeing her in such a weak state, begging for nothing else but to have him with her almost made him regret that night  — a thought that he knew was wrong in so many ways. he instantly moved closer to her, their bodies almost touching. “ why don’t you hate me? ” 

he remembered showing up to her place that night. how he had spent the whole drive trying to figure out what to say. how his hands shook once he saw her, a smile on her face that warmed even the coldest parts of him. that night he cut out the last piece of happiness that he was still attached to.he had been cutting out everything else throughout the months, though trying to figure out how exactly to tell gemma that he no longer wanted to be with her anymore was the hardest. matteo almost completely froze when gemma admitted that she had still loved him, despite all of the hurt that he’s caused her. a part of him wasn’t surprised though, due to the fact that any person could take one look at her  — see her eyes stained red with tears along with her disheveled hair and know for a fact that the feelings that the girl held for him were still strong. though, another part of him was confused. after all that he’s caused her, he still couldn’t believe that she still believed that there was some good in him. “ you…you still love me? ” she believed that there was still a piece of the old matteo that she loved so dearly, trapped somewhere underneath the mess of himself that he wouldn’t even be able to recognize and the thought of that alone made his heart shatter. “ i probably could never understand how you must have felt back then, but all i know is that for weeks afterwards i couldn’t sleep because you were all i kept thinking about. i tried to forget about you but i couldn’t because every single thing around me reminded me of you. i drank more because that was the only time you weren’t in my head, i tried to fill the void by hooking up with all these girls but that only helped for a few hours, and then i was back to missing you again. it was hell. ” he started to feel himself crack. like all of the feelings that he had sealed shut for a year was starting to spill out. “ i made a mistake coming here. i-i should go. i’m sorry for even coming.  ” he breathed. he couldn’t stand to see her crying any more, see the person who was always so strong, always managed to keep it pushing with a smile on her face, completely broken knowing that he couldn’t fix it. he tangled his fingers through his tousled hair, starting to make his way to the door. 

as much as it hurt him, matteo couldn’t deny that everything gemma was saying was true — realizing that he underestimated just how well gem actually knew him. how she was able to read him as though he were an open book. there was absolutely no way that she was unaware of all that he was doing during the last months of their relationship. from him coming home late at night, to the unexplained sudden disappearances where he would sneak off to spend hours in an empty bar as opposed to being with her.  “ don’t you see? i did this…ended what we had so that you could be happy. all of the stuff that i was doing was going to hurt you in the long run and even you know that.  ” he stood up from the couch, dragging his feet to close the small amount of space that lay between the two of them. he barely even realizes what he is doing once he gently places his hand on her shoulder, almost afraid that she would shatter into pieces just from his touch. he was afraid that he would break her even more than he already has. “ you were supposed to be happy without me. i thought you would be able to live happily without be. ” he immediately removed his hand away from her, shoving both of his hands into his pockets and taking a step back from her. scared that the closer he got to her the more pain he would bring her. “ gem, i never thought i could love anyone as much as i loved you. you made me feel like i was someone worth actually giving a shit about. you gave me so much and what could i give you in return? nothing. ” his voice was low. “ and don’t ever think that you weren’t enough for me. you were everything and more. you were too good for me. ”

maybe he needed the closure. maybe he needed to tell the girl all of the things that had been bottled up in his chest for all this time, more so for his own healing than her own. the box of close that now sit besides him was nothing more than a petty excuse to be able to see her again, if he were being honest. he knew that she could care less about the clothes, but that was the only excuse that he could think of to get them to communicate again. however, now he thought that he would have been better off just leaving the box at her front door without a word. because now his mind was becoming clouded with memories of their relationship as well as the hurt that surrounded him at the time as well. “ don’t you see? this is why i needed to leave. you needed to get away from me. i’m not the same guy that i was in those pictures, i’m not the one you fell in love with. you couldn’t have been able to fix me. ” as he talked, stared at her feet. he he didn’t want to look at her. he didn’t want to see her cry. he had seen her eyes filled with tears too many times. he’s heard the sound of her voice cracking too many times. “ you don’t get it, gem? i’m no good. ” he shook his head, knowing that his last statement was more of him talking to himself rather than himself. almost as a way to remind himself just why he had to get away. remind him why he felt as though he wasn’t fit for love and why he had spent the last year and a half of his life stringing along different women just because of his own fear of being loved. the scars from him and gemma’s relationship hurt matt enough to the point where even the idea of someone else having the same amount of feelings as she did for him made matteo want to do nothing but drive the person away. “ i’m not good. and instead of giving you any more time to figure that out, i needed to end it before you realized that i changed and there was no amount of love that you could’ve given me to fix it. ” he spoke, his voice coming out as low as a whisper. 

one of the things that matteo had loved the most about gem was how she could manage to change his mood completely just by the sound of her voice. a hidden talent that he had depended on whenever he was upset and ready to explode. because of this, he was shocked at how harsh her voice sounded now. so much that his eyebrows furrowed together in confusion, finally realizing now that gemma was no longer the same girl that he knew when they were together. instead of being warm and filled with life, she was now cold and distant. her voice bled with nothing but disgust for him with each of her syllables hitting him like a ton of bricks. he remained quiet for a few seconds, letting her words sink in before trying to figure out what exactly was the right thing to say. it is in this moment, for the first time in months after they had first broken up, where matt could feel his chest tightening. a feeling that he knew all too well. usually whenever he would feel like this, he would smoke to ease his pain or drown himself in a bottle of liquor to remove himself from the mixture of sadness and heartbreak that he tried to block out completely.  “ you know i had a reason to…i- ” he stopped himself, licking his lips as he tried to let his words flow. “ you had everything going for yourself. everything in your life was going perfect while mine was turning into complete shit and you know that. ” flashbacks of the past where matteo’s relationship with his father was at an all time low, to the point where the only words that his father spoke to him were ones of discouragement and disappointment. moments where he felt as though his life was on pause while gem’s life was moving at full speed. 

he could tell that she was hurting. it was easy for him to notice, seeing as though her eyes showcased a deeper level of pain that she knew she was keeping from him. a pain that he was well aware that he was the cause of, which brought nothing but a wave of mixed emotions that had only left matteo feeling even more worse about himself than he already did.  “ i’ve been…alright. you know, just been hanging around and stuff. ” if by hanging out he meant spending most of his days smoking his anxiety away, and his nights racing and nearly risking his life just for a couple hundred dollars. he was aware that gem had known about his street racing  — it was one of the many things that caused the distancing between the two during their relationship, which ultimately lead to their break up as well. though it wouldn’t be much of a surprise to him if she already knew all that he had really been doing. even though he attempted to remain as cold and distant as possible, gem knew him. and as much as matt hated it, she out of all people would be able to see through him. he sat on the couch, fiddling with his fingers as he asked the one question that he knew would open up a wound for the both of them that he wasn’t sure he was ready to deal with. “ how are you really feeling though? with everything? ” his voice lingered after the second question, his eyes looking up at the girl in front of him. 

“anything but homework, like parties…getting hit by a bus,” rowan jokes, sitting up. “i’m a miserable boy, save me from my doom,” he says dramatically and pouts. 

if matt were to be completely honest with himself, the first months after their break up was when he missed gemma the most. there had been moments where he had wished to talk to gemma months after their break up. times where his head was spinning and he felt like the world was closing in on him, moments where he needed somebody to calm him down, help him come back down to reality. gemma used to be that person for him. however, he knew that it keeping his distance was the easier option for the both of them. he knew that it would be completely selfish of him to continue dragging her along into the messiness that was making it’s way into his life. matt looked at the girl who he hadn’t seen in much, noticing how different yet familiar she looked. he made the effort to block her on social media weeks after their break up as an attempt to get over her quickly. because of this, the last time that he had seen his old lover’s face was the night he decided to break up with her once and for all –– leaving him with just the painful memory of seeing her tear stained face as he told her the one thing that he knew would shatter her heart to pieces. “ hey. ” he breathed out, stepping inside. the place had still remained the same, causing a wave a nostalgia to hit him. realizing why he was even here to begin with, he held out the box for her to grab. “ uh, here. it’s the last of your stuff. you look…fine by the way. ” he said in an attempt to ease the discomfort between the two of them, though he felt as though he was only making the situation worse. “ how have you been? ”

“honestly? probably. but he would have to ask me. he was the one who ended it, and i couldn’t go running back if i tried. i loved him with every fiber of my being and he knows that. it felt like i’d lost a piece of me that day, and i would do anything to get it back.”

“i have to admit, it was the night matt and i broke up. walking out that door for the last time, and knowing it was for the last time. nothing compares to leaving your heart in there. i felt like i couldn’t breathe, that my heart and i had just given up. i’m still reeling from that damage it did. it takes a lot out of human being to be separated from the one they love, y’know? knowing you’ll never get those moments back again.”

“%” for a CURIOUS text.

[sent 4:21pm] so what is it that you /actually/ do for a living[sent 4:25pm] like is it scary to do what you do? 

“ツ” for an EXCITED text.

[sent 10:48am] i saw a puppy today!![sent 10:49am] it was the cutest thing i’ve ever seen

“$” for an ACCIDENTAL text.

[sent 6:30pm] what do i do about this rash on my leg??[sent 6:59] i just realized i meant to send this to my mum, i’m so sorry

“i’d rather not describe it. but i was moreso the day matt left me. i can’t even fathom to think of the heartbreak i felt that day, considering i was about to surprise him with an all-inclusive trip to mexico for our late one-year celebration. instead, i lose him. but it’s fine. i’m doing great.”