Hello there Friend!

*plays hedwig’s theme at wedding*

Me: *passes a blunt to the demon in my house* AHAAA gotcha bitch , that was laced with sage get the fuck out my house

I give my soul to everyone but I’m never anyone’s first priority

Relatable

lets have phone sex over walkie talkies

“bend over” “bend what? over”

my tiny human body isn’t big enough to hold all the love that’s inside me and that’s why i’m always crying

Netflix and avoid people

I don’t wanna name an actual author so let’s just make one up; let’s call her ‘JK Rowling.’ So I’ll fall in love with this author’s work and I’ll ask her, ‘Can we have some happiness?’ And she’ll go, ‘No. They all end up straight or dead.’ And I go, ‘Okaaay!’ And then I go to the bathroom. Then I come out of the bathroom and I go, ‘How about a sequel?’ and she goes ‘Ha, you get one (1) weird play. Now take this shitty play that paints everyone you loved as super out of character and leaves you feeling queerbaited, go fetch!’ And I go ‘Okaaay!’ and I go over to Pottermore and go, ‘Can I have anything please?’ and they go ‘NO!’ And I go ‘Okaaay!’ And they go, ‘Everything JKR does is good because she considers herself a feminist!’ And I go ‘Nooo,’ and they go ‘SAY IT!’ and I go ‘Everything JKR does is good because she considers herself a feminist.’ And then I go over to look at the diversity and representation in Harry Potter, which is an oxymoron, and I go, ‘Can we please have an openly gay character?’ and they go ‘No! In fact, we’re not even going to mention the sexuality of the one (1) gay character we revealed to be gay post canon despite his central roll in the new movie series that we’re pushing at you! And we’re going to support a man who beat his wife instead of listening to the scores of fans who feel hurt and alienated by our decisions!’ And I go ‘Why are you doing this?!’ And they go, ‘Because we’re JK Rowling and Warner Bros, and life is a fucking nightmare!’

I do love it when things I love come together in one beautiful rant - Harry Potter, John Mulaney, and critiques of Harry Potter.