A Shade Apart

My friend: "I just assume when you say something that doesn't make sense, it came from Drawfee."

What a concept gender is. Our whole society revolves around assigning and in some cases enforcing (mostly arbitrary) roles and occupations and social expectations on every individual based on what other people around us suppose our genitals look like. I mean, what?! What a bizarre and perverse way to organise a society.

Generally speaking I like my body, but sometimes I wish I could take my boobs off for a while and really look the part in masculine clothes. Binder just makes me look like I have a big weird unaboob. >: |

Autistic burnout is so pervasive. I'm losing skills left, right and centre. Phone calls have been dangerously harmful to my energy for a long time, I can almost never cook any more and that's causing its own host of consequences (not exactly a lot of properly nourishing vegetarian options in frozen meals or take-away), I'm a million miles behind on cleaning. Managing necessary goods and services is getting nearly impossible, just getting groceries and medications is taking everything I've got and we're usually down to the last scraps by the time I can force myself to deal with it. I am beyond exhausted all the time. Forcing myself to speak in public or to anyone I'm not very close to is becoming harder and harder, it's a huge strain and drains me so much. And I'm a full time carer, my husband's life literally depends on me, and on my doing all those things. I don't get to not be okay, I'm responsible for it all whilst I am getting more and more debilitated and have next to no support. Disability is hard. Being an unsupported disabled carer is putting that on nightmare mode.

99% of the world's problems would be quickly solved if everyone just stopped being cunts.

Something that really shits me is how so much of the struggle I have as an autistic person comes not from actual inaccessibility, but from the sheer bloody-mindedness of individuals who won't work with anyone who can't do things the "usual way". What I'm talking about specifically in this moment is fucking phone calls. There are a plethora of options for communication. Reasonable, accessible, available options that abled people can use with minimal difficulty. So I tell people I have to communicate with (I'm talking in the business/professional context where accessibility is actually pretty important for managing daily life stuff) that I am unable to make phone calls but will be happy to e-mail, text, video call, etc. No. They zero in on the one thing I cannot do, and it's that and nothing but that so help me God! You may not e-mail, you may not text, you may not video call or any other reasonable method of communication that one couldn't even call an "accommodation" as these things are in everyday use for... you know, all the abled people who only want to use them for anything other than not causing a disabled person unreasonable pain. It makes little to no difference to that person to do it another way, but I get to forget about being able to take care of myself for a week or a month if I do it their way. For NO REASON other than apparent sadism. What the fuck is wrong with people? I don't capitulate, but I also don't get anything done while they're busy carrying on about how I have to stop being disabled and do it how they do it instead of any of the other several reasonable and available ways to do it, even though I've been quite clear about the severe consequences to me if I try (and so help me I shouldn't have to explain or justify a fucking thing, "I can't do it" should be enough). I'm tired of having to fight so fucking hard to be allowed to be slightly okay. There is just no reason for this.