gracias a la vida

Both need to be the best, both believe failure is unacceptable and makes them less lovable, both built their lives around proving their parents right/wrong.

But Ilya’s damage is ‘if I don’t give people around me a reason to love me, they won’t’ so he engineers tunamelt to prove to Shane he is worth sticking around for and doesn’t blink while sacrificing his career so they can be closer by. And of course refuses to share anything remotely negative because that’s not who he is, he’s the fun guy! He will not be a burden, he promises. (But also why is Shane not meeting his mom in his dream? Why doesn’t he realize that Ilya is suffering for them? Sure, Ilya is hiding it but Shane should notice and see that Ilya would do anything for him and maybe even reward him by doing this specific things that Ilya would never ask him directly to do).

Meanwhile Shane has built his identity around ‘I cannot disapoint anyone ever’ and thus has to protect his career and fix what was broken with his team and ‘no, nothing is wrong I’m handling it’ while silently (and not so silently) wondering how Ilya can stand to play with the centaurs because they are loving and all but they lose. And Shane Hollander is not allowed to lose even if his team makes him miserable. He’s humble, he’s loyal, he’s dependable, and he will get the room back dammit! (And won’t allow Ilya to lose the room, coming out did not work out, and Ilya already lost a team, let’s keep him from losing another. The closet was uncomfortable sure but it was safe and it didn’t mess with his game).

He loves bringing Shane a warm towel, helping him wipe down. He loves massaging soap on Shane’s sore, but relaxed muscles in the shower. He loves bringing Shane a snack and feeding him by hand. He loves how boneless Shane goes, how snuggly and warm and carefree.

But he can't never shake the feeling of deep regret after each time. He remembers how, for years, he did not do this for Shane. He would let himself indulge just as much as he dared, laying in bed together for a couple minutes, sometimes showering together (but that always ended in shower sex), throwing a towel or clothes at Shane.

The first time he tried to provide the type of aftercare he wanted, was the day Shane left him for Rose Landry. Shane insists he didn't 'leave him for Rose Landry' because A. they weren't together and B. he met Rose weeks later. But since Ilya was the one that got left, he feels entitled to call it how he wanted to.

"I'm sorry," Ilya apologized one day, running his hand through a pliant Shane's hair.

"For what?" Shane mumbled.

"For not doing this," Ilya said. "For so many years. For just kicking you out."

Shane sighed and propped himself up on his elbows. "Ilya."

"What?"

"You never just 'kicked me out,'" Shane scrunched up his nose. Adorable. "If you had tried to do this at first, I probably would have freaked out."

"You did freak out," Ilya sulked.

"I did," Shane smiled and leaned up to kiss him. "I love this, you know? I love that you take such good care of me afterwards."

Ilya felt warmth spread inside his chest. "I'm glad."

"But," Shane caught his eye. "I didn't need it. You always took care of me, maybe just not this much. But I never felt, I mean, almost never felt bad afterwards, except, you know."

Vegas. They had talked about that, extensively.

"But, Ilya," Shane continued, cupping his face in his hand. "I don't think that I need this as much as you do."

Ilya considered this for a moment. It was true - this settled Ilya, it convinced him that he did well, he took care of Shane, and made him happy. He didn't hurt him.

"You don't need this?"

"I do," Shane said. "But so do you. So if you're sorry about not doing it, so am I."

"But, I am..."

"You're what?" Shane challenged.