Dick: ok. Bruce left it up to me to make up the aliases for the next mission-

Jason: you? Why you? You suck at it! Last time my name was Joe fucking Shmoe

Dick: ….and?

Jason: even you guys laughed at me. It was like I was a clown.

Damian: aren’t you?

Jason stuck his tongue out at him.

Dick: you know what. Fine. You think it’s so easy. You do it.

Jason:

Jason: dammit.

Bruce, doing roll call for the mission that night.

Bruce: Willie Dustice.

Silence.

Bruce: Willie Dustice.

Silence.

Bruce, growing impatient: we don’t have all day. Willie Dus-

Dick: fuck! I’m here!

Bruce, content: Todd Bonzalez

Jason: go.

Willie: why does he get a normal name?

Todd: Willie, that’s not very team oriented of you.

Bruce: Bobson Dugnutt.

Tim: nutting.

Todd: omg. Get it Bobson.

Bruce: fml.

Bruce: Tim Sandaele

Damian: you have betrayed me, giving me the name of the weak one.

Dugnutt: thanks.

Damian: I shall challenge you to battle at dawn, Bonzalez.

Todd: can’t wait. That leaves us one last person.

Todd: Sleve McDichael.

Silence.

Bruce: present.

From:

-Jason refuses to ask Bruce for money, but he will 100% stuff all his pockets with salt, pepper, bin bags, and other condiments when visiting the manor. Alfred pretends not to notice, but he absolutely does.

-Jason likes to take unflattering pictures of the Bat-Family and blackmail them by threatening to leak them. Dick mid-sneeze, Damian falling asleep on Titus, Tim with a drool stain from a power nap… He never actually leaks them, but he casually waves his phone around whenever he wants a favour.

-If you’re eating finger food like a burger, sandwich, or sub near him and you look away for one second—chomp. Jason takes a massive bite and acts like nothing happened, eyes still on the TV or scrolling through his phone.

-Jason loves to modify Bruce’s car with unnecessary accessories, like swapping the horn with a clown horn. Once, when he was mad at Bruce so he updated the Batmobile to blast the 1966 Batman theme song at max volume. He also buys tacky Batman merchandise and attaches it to Bruce’s car just to annoy him.

-Jason never forgets a prank. If you prank him, he will get you back on a day you least expect it.

-Jason barks back at dogs that bark at him aggressively. Even if he’s around people.

-Jason isn’t the type to replace something he ate or finished. If he eats half your snack, he’ll give the other half back. If he finishes your drink, he’ll buy you a new one… and drink half of it before giving it to you.

-Jason has definitely set off a trap in Wayne Manor by accident and played it off like it was intentional, saying he was “testing Bruce.” Tim, however, was watching the entire thing on CCTV the whole time.

-Jason likes to snatch his siblings’ phones and scroll through them while they chase him around. The only person he won’t try this with is Bruce—for obvious reasons.

-When Damian gets too smart with his mouth, Jason will scoop him up like a toddler when he’s off guard and call him “son” in the most condescending voice possible.

-Jason is banned from attending high-profile events. The last time Bruce brought him to one, Jason spent the entire night eating from the buffet table, emptying servers’ trays, and refusing to talk to anyone.

Jason’s so overworked. he has to deal with his strained relationship with the bats; Bruce and him arguing every time they see each other, Damian knocking on his door every time there’s something about his new life that he doesn’t understand/wants to complain about, Tim sneaking into his fucking apartment to demand they ‘bond’ and Dick getting weepy and nostalgic everytime he even sees Jason’s face. On top of that, taking care of the alley, and running an entire organisation of subordinates, by the time he gets to a point in his life where he realises ‘fffffuck. thats a goddamn demon and i’m the most equipped person in the city to deal with it.’ he’s honestly so over the whole thing.

he’s so bitter that he has to do this, because not only is this new side-gig tiring but it’s also fucking insane. killing rapists and overseeing drug shipments never involved travelling into nephilim lairs and learning about ancient rituals that end with him crawling out of the sewers at 9am covered in blue goo that smells acidic; the closest would be back when he was Robin during the golden era when shit was just wacko, and by the gods he does not have any interest in returning to that kind of work-load, so why he’s HERE is anybody’s fucking guess.

eventually Dick, desperate to bond with the younger brother that he can feel slipping away again, starts tailing him to figure out why he’s never around- and instantly decides to join. Jason is honestly just relieved there’s somebody lightening the supernatural workload- Dick was also Robin during the golden era, he might not have Jason’s skills and amassed knowledge but he’s not as useless as the others.

3am dinner

Cain' Instinct

The highlights include:

- Everyone painting along to a Bob Ross video - Steph's painting somehow catches fire (it was Damian).

- Damian challenges his brothers to a lightsaber duel

- All the kids vs Tim at Call of Duty. Tim wins.

- Dick kicking everyone's asses at Twister

- Dick and Jason try the milk gallon challenge. It does not end well.

- Tim tasers Jason. They get a paramedic to supervise. It takes both Bruce and Dick to hold Jason steady. Tim is grinning evilly the entire time.

- They try to play Werewolf but for some reason they let Stephanie be the "overseer" - goes about as well as you'd think.

- Bruce killing is at karaoke

- They read fanfiction of themselves. Jason gives constructive criticism.

- The most chaotic game of Cards Against Humanity to ever happen

- Superman makes a guest appearance to read some bedtime stories

- Damian has school the next day so he can't stay the whole time but he does introduce all his animals before he heads off to bed. There are about four new ones Bruce didn't know about.

- Bruce shows off all his kids' baby photos. No one knows where he got them from.

- There is a "Wheel of Destiny". They spin it every hour and whatever it lands on, everyone has to complete that task.

- Barbara is there mostly to monitor the livestream and donations and also tell embarrassing stories about the Wayne kids

- Just Dance Rasputin

- Cass tries to teach her dad and brothers ballet. Dick and Tim do pretty well, but Jason tries a pirouette and lands on his ass.

- Tim does drag to Like A Prayer by Madonna. This is how his siblings find out about Caroline Hill.

Canon:

Cass with Dick 🤨:

Cass with Jason 💀:

Cass with Tim 🥰:

Cass with Duke 🥰:

Cass with Damian 😠:

like. jason hates bruce for the whole joker-alive and replacement-robin thing. bruce disapproves of jason for killing people and being an unapologetic crime lord. they are fully fine with never interacting with each other. the kids have learned to not bring bruce up when hanging around with jason, and jason doesn’t come near the manor.

except…. damian. because bruce is damian’s father. and jason is damian’s longest and favourite protective older brother from the league. he was pretty much the only good older-male-guardian role damian had up until talia shipped him off to gotham. damian wants bruce to be his father but he also refuses to stay away from jason. and with his mother still over with the loa he refuses to ALSO be split between his brother and father in gotham.

this leaves bruce and jason to act like bitter ex-partners who got divorced but have to co-parent their kid who absolutely refuses to compromise on seeing them both equal amounts. jason is forced into awkward small talk with a stony bruce on the manor’s doorstep while damian gets ready to go spend the weekend at jason’s apartment. bruce is forced to invite jason to dinners and parties for damian’s special events. neither of them know how to act around each other. its awkward. its bitter. its thinly veiled spite and dressed up insults regarding the other’s work. the other kids watch the constant back and forth with wary fascination. damian seems none the wiser and demands that BOTH of them come to see his school play, and that they sit next to each other so its easier to find them both in the crowd.