.. BLOGTHERAPY ..

today went okay .. nothing catastrophic happened .. i just suddenly feel like theres a weight on my chest as if im about to throw up .. as if i open my mouth to try to talk or say something i would break down .. as if me shutting up would keep whatever it is ,, that feels like going to burst out of me ,, inside .. but i feel like giving up and letting it all out in a good ugly cry .. holding it in is just exhausting ..

turns out having a name for the demon inside you would make it even harder to control .. because now you know whats going on in your head and youre actively trying to tame it to take your brain in your grasp again .. i still cant even tell hypomania and depressive apart ..

in the past when these thoughts started creeping up i would just give in to it .. taking it as my reality .. believing every picture it shows me .. swallowing every word it says as i gulp down my silent tears .. because it seems so real it sounds like it makes a lot of sense that it must be true ..

that i am pathetic .. i dont deserve happiness .. theres no way out of this seemingly bleak life .. i will just have to live with it .. nothing good will ever happen to me .. i just have to suck it up and move on ..

now that i know its all just bunch of lies doesnt make it easier to counter them .. just trying to shut them down is already exhausting .. i cant even tell which side is denying the reality ..

“what if my ‘consciousness’ is just in denial”

“what if ‘they’ are the bad side and the other is just trying to slap me back into reality”

its exhausting but i couldnt rest my brain because theyre still fighting and i dont know how to stop them ..

if you wish to understand what is going on inside the mind of a somewhat-neurotic person ,, this series is your go-to show ..

as it accentuates the length these characters would go to get what they want despite the circumstances or other people or anything that might stand in their way ..

about 30 minutes through the pilot ,, a high school president candidate shot himself dead ,, after he made a speech in front of the student body a few days before ,, of how he feels so alone living in this dark world that is ending ,, that one day he had put weight on his feet and jumped in the pool to end his life ,, but then realized he just made a stupid decision and unleashed himself in a panic because there was no one there to save him .. he really would die alone ..

that scene was ,, well not like a slap in the head ,, more like a nudge on the side .. his speech was exposing every thought and feeling i have on my lowest days .. indescribably confused desperate frustrated hopeless helpless alone ..

however ,, he was not the main character and not what i want to talk about in this piece ..

the rest of the characters on the series ,, though incredibly written ,, are the personifications of everything going on in the deepest darkest of human mind .. oh yeah ,, i believe every single brain in every single human being develops neurotic psychopathic thoughts .. but “normal” people would dismiss such thoughts push them out of their system because they live by the “norms” ..

but not these characters .. they would do anything they could think of .. plot the most twisted scenarios to create the situations best suited for their own personal goals .. every single character in this series has a hidden agenda and would form a repulsive ,, yet plausible ,, personal plot twist ..

it is beyond lies or cheats .. its manipulation scam deception ,, its like “playing pretend” .. to go out of their ways by all means ,, without considering how it may affect other people ,, to accomplish their goals and ambitions .. whatever it is .. however big or small .. making any sense or not ..

it is one thing to applaud such aspirations as a fan of good narrative and storytelling .. it is another to have had thought [or maybe even acted or behaved to a certain length] in a similar manner and seeing it manifests in characters on the show ..

seeing such actions COULD possibly be done .. i have to say to me it is a bit scary and somewhat perplexedly disturbing ..

but at the same time also relieved that i am actually normal .. that having such thoughts and feelings is absolutely normal ,, even for someone who is not quite normal .. if that makes sense ..

that amid the abundance overflowing thoughts and emotions coming all at once ,, i am still human .. that it all came from the heart .. that we actually want to do good .. it just ,, unfortunately ,, came out in a way “normal” people find hard to grasp ..

that we do feel .. perhaps maybe even more than most people .. although probably shown in an unconventional way than others would do or for different reasons .. our logic is sometimes considered unimaginable ..

we feel angry frustrated sad ,, mostly all at once ,, when things do not go our ways .. others may find it confusing to understand why we feel strongly about certain things but being stone-cold for the rest .. it is because the only thing that matters to us is getting what we want ..

because we put so much work and effort into shaping life the way we want it to be .. we crafted it with utmost care and caution ..

when i know things supposed to happen in certain ways because i designed and plotted it to be that way .. but then they went off track ,, it feels like a part of my soul is being ripped apart ..

at times it is just tiring to keep trying .. people be telling me to stop but i couldnt because it is counterintuitive to me .. not that i dont want to but i dont see stopping as an option ..

i feel that i HAVE to keep looping and trying helplessly hopelessly desperately .. that the only way or reason to stop is dying .. i think perhaps that is where the suicidal thoughts came from ..

my only hope is that one day someone could understand how frustrating and confusing it is ..

•••

‘i feel everything .. there just wasnt enough positive emotions to balance me out .. you were my only relief’ - river barkley [the politician • s1e7: the assassination of payton hobart pt 2]