one day i will have the life that is right for me and all of that will be a distant memory

so strange to have nightmares for years about a person i fell out with. in every one i try to be vulnerable and am met with scorn and condescension like i am some kind of freak. and something happened where i felt forced to ask this person a question and she did react exactly that way. my nightmares were always true and somehow i still couldn’t believe it. i want so badly for it not to be true but it is and it always has been and it should help me get over it but it still makes me feel so, so, so, so sad…

i only ever used this as a journal to complain which makes revisiting it a bummer. clearly i have so much beef with the concept of a full time job but unfortunately i am so wedded to lofty concepts such as 401k

i’d love to be an independent bitch but the fact of the matter is i miss my girlfriend terribly :(

it’s amazing how i got so much of my anxiety under control but in such a terrifically maladaptive way

if you avoid and avoid and avoid and avoid avoid avoid avoid avoid avoid avoid avoid avoid avoid avoid avoid avoid avoid avoid, you can become a shell/husk ! why ever do something… it can always wait for tomorrow. eventually, your self can be tomorrow, too. whatever this is, now - i guess you wanted it to be nothing, right?

really touched that when my sister came to tour apartments with me, she said “we’d have to do a deep clean of some of them” just volunteering herself to come clean my space very sweet of her :’)

going to have to radically change my diet due to stomach Issues and can’t wear any of my pants without them ruining my day… i want to stop online window shopping but i really do want to be able to wear stuff that’s not sweatpants without getting a tummy ache. :( and I don’t wanna buy all new pants in like two sizes up so they fall off my body so they don’t hurt me