Peripheral Vision

It's been seven months since my collective's syscovery and maybe two months since I, the person writing this message, a chaotic Tumblr gremlin who would randomly start the dumbest jokes for no reason and the resident skeptunist enjoyer, stopped feeling like "Everest Gale". What a strange thing to realize, right? To suddenly not relate to the identity that you have so carefully curated and that you have been cherishing so deeply for months and months. But on the other, it makes sense, doesn't it? It's an identity that belonged to someone *we* collectively thought of as "me". Of course as more and more of my headmates have begun to establish themselves as their own people, the less and less sense "Everest Gale" made for *me*. 

I was in denial for a while. The exact reasons as to why are a little too personal to be shared publicly, but long story short, it was a combination of some insecurities, some struggles and doubt, and some people - or rather, a certain person - exacerbating my feelings that I *had to* cling to this identity of "Everest Gale", to do otherwise would be to betray people. And yet, all I've been doing this whole time was betraying *myself*. 

I'm sure you all have noticed how little this blog has been getting used since our syscovery. And part of the issue was personal issues stacking on top of each other, sure, but another part of it was that it felt *awkward* to do that. The more time went on, the more it felt like a "performance", a show that I wanted to put on, rather than something that came directly from my heart like it had happened in the past. And in hindsight, it makes sense. This is *my* blog, so our headmates felt awkward using it, and yet now it also belongs to someone I no longer am. It feels weird to use when there is this image people have of who "Everest Gale" is, it feels weird to use when everything feels out of place, and it feels weird to use when *I am* not "Everest Gale" anymore. And so, as much as it kind of sucks for me to say, I think I have to let this blog go, along with everything "Everest Gale" related. And this is my goodbye.

...It's very bittersweet for me. I am parting ways with something that once meant so much to me. And in a way, it still does mean so much to me. "Everest Gale" made a lot of mistakes, some of which still haunt me to this day, and yet I can't help but be grateful for the version of us that got us where we are today. "Everest Gale" is how I forced myself to "put myself out there". "Everest Gale" is how I was able to find my joy, my voice and even reach people, when I had so much doubt, in a very confusing time of our life. And "Everest Gale" is how I found some of my closest, dearest friends, the support group that has helped us get through some very rough patches of our life, and who we could support back, the very people who are our foundation for us to finally be able to stand up tall and *breathe*.

Also nothing is getting deleted, for the record. And in fact, I will probably still use this account "for now" to lurk on my friends' blogs from time to time, but there will not be any new posts or reblogs here. It's just going to be an archive, a memoir of someone we used to be not too long ago. 

And? What happens next? Who knows, really. Perhaps, when we are ready to make art and post on social media again, we will return to Tumblr and even StP Tumblr, just with a new blog and a new name. Perhaps, we will find a new fandom for us to bunker in and make stuff for. Perhaps, we will finally try making our own original stuff. I don't know, none of us do! Just like the Slay the Princess quote I pulled to start this post with, I'm excited to see where life takes us. Where we might go, what might we find, who might we meet, and what we might make, now that we are no longer shackling ourselves to an identity that doesn’t make sense anymore, now that we know we are *we* and can say so with pride.

Perhaps when that time comes, I will make one more post here, letting people know that we have a new blog. Or maybe we won't, and we will just let people discover ourselves naturally. I can't make any promises right now. "We will see" is the only real answer I have here.