artemis

fuck.

how did it end this way?

how did i, my hoarse voice screaming to the stars, my scarred hands clutching the remains of what was once mine,

end up here?

my love, my sun, my stars, my soul, 

more than a person, more than a teammate,

more than anything i could ever hope to describe,

here,

bleeding out in my arms,

in the ship full of my own people.

my own people, who caused this disgrace and tragedy of a moment.

i told myself,

“this is why you never should have fallen in love.

this is what fucking happens to people like you, keith kogane.”

and yet,

strangely i regret nothing.

“lance! are you okay?” 

“we did it. we are a good team.”

you took my hand.

you were full of warmth. you were weak, you were all scratched up, your hair sticking out in different directions,

and yet,

you were the most beautiful, beautiful boy i had ever laid my eyes on.

that’s when i knew i fell for you.

–

your hand tugged at my sleeve.

“c’mon, keith, let’s go, let’s go!”

“i’m coming, lance, please shut the fuck up.”

jesus. please, please don’t ever shut up, lance. i love you too much. please.

–

your head resting on my chest, your ear pressed close to my heart, as i hear your soft snores and feel your warm breath as you sleep.

fuck, i need to feel that again. to feel your breath on my chest, to know that you’re still here. to know that you’re safe in my arms.

you’re the opposite of safe right now. you’re not fucking safe and there’s nothing i can do about it.

and i’m so sorry.

–

“you promise?”

your soft giggles echo through the empty training room, my arms wrapped around your waist, our foreheads pressed together.

“i promise, angel, always.”

even when i promised to protect you and stay with you, even in that moment…

i somehow knew i probably couldn’t keep that promise.

but i’d try. god, i’d try.

i’d fight for you until my knuckles bleed, until i could no longer stand on my own two feet, until my very last breath.

i never asked you to do the same for me.

–

“what the fuck do you mean you’re leaving? you’re just gonna- leave me f-for them…?” 

your defeated voice broke out into heart wrenching sobs, unable to continue speaking. and honestly, i don’t think i could bear hearing anything more. 

“i’m so sorry, angel. i have to. i’m so sorry.” that was all i could say as i took your trembling body in my arms.

your muffled cries an agonizing sound in my ears, your tears that soak my shirt feeling more like a stab in the chest.

knowing that i’m the cause for them just makes my head hang low with shame, my own tears finally escaping my eyes.

and the only words that i can utter are words of apology, pathetic phrases that just won’t reach you no matter how hard i try.

letting you go then felt like i was choking.

and letting you go now stripped all the oxygen from my lungs.

–

“LANCE!”

i couldn’t even hear myself scream. i could only feel my throat strain to call for you as i saw you jump in front of me.

it wasn’t until a few seconds later when i saw the blood.

“fuck, lance, no, no no no no, please…”

my hands grab at you: your back, your torso, anywhere i could reach.

you cough out blood, a bit splattering on my face and chest.

but that didn’t matter to me.

“k-keith…?”

your hands reach out to engulf me in a hug.

“fuck, angel, i’m so sorry. why did you do that? i could have taken it, i could have taken it, fuck, please, stay awake. stay awake for me angel. keep those eyes open beautiful, i got you. i got you.”

“keith, p-please, i d-don’t…”

“no, no, no, angel, i got you, just please, help is on the way, just stay awake for me. stay awake, okay? open those pretty eyes of yours, wanna see ‘em. can you do that for me, baby?”

“keith, i-i… keith, i…”

“no, no angel, save your breath. save your energy, baby, it’s alright. i got you.”

“t-tell my f-family i lo-love them, a-and…”

i wanted to scream out for you to stop saying that, to stop acting as if you’re dying, but deep down, i knew you were. i knew this was it.

every star dies out eventually.

“...a-and th-that… i ho-hope i m-made them pr-proud… a-and t-tell eve-everyone-e-else too, and k-keith…”

“yes, baby, i’m right here. what do you need, angel?”

it’s a miracle i didn’t stutter, with the amount of tears pouring down my cheeks and the uneven breaths escaping from my lips.

you pull me down by my collar, and our lips met for one final time.

“i love you. i l-love you so, so m-much, keith. i love you.

i’ll be waiting.”

your hand let go of my suit, and the life drained from your eyes.

and now here we are, my hands clutching onto your suit for dear life, screaming out to the moons and suns and stars and whatever the fuck else was up above.

our teammates stood behind us as i cried my heart out.

and i couldn’t even fucking care less.