Nick

You were so confident a few months ago. You had it all. The passion, determination, and ambition. I know that you feel broken. I know that you’re tired of this environment. And I know that you want to throw everything away. I did say that you can achieve anything of your desire, but I never it was going to be easy. I know what it feels like to have everything, but to also have nothing. I know what it feels like to be successful, until you have to face that first failure. You can have everything, but still you’re a prisoner to your emotions. Love isn’t always easy. You can hold it all in or weigh it all down on your shoulders. It’s up to you. I want you to know that it’s okay to be vulnerable. You can cry. You can go for walks. You can mask away your pain, but you can never really overcome your emotions until you face reality.     

I never meant to disappoint anyone. I honestly did try my best. I’m sorry.

Dear Journal, I finished all of my AP exams. My predictions are a 4 in Chem, 3 in Calc, 4 in Lit, and a 5 in Physics C. I dunno tbh. I can't believe it. I graduate in 3 weeks. I'm finally done in 3 weeks. I've made my final decision and I'm going to Harvard. My parents worked something out, so I can afford Harvard. I still mean it when I said I would've given up anything for him. I'm sorry. I was wrong. I tried to stop you from falling in love again. Long distance relationship never works. Trust me, I know. Learn from your last relationship and distant yourself from him. I'm sorry. But pls be selfish for once and think for you.

Dear Journal, I don't remember the last time I wrote one of these entries. I guess I've been too busy to stop for a second. I'm just so close to the finish line. Baseball season is going better than expected. It's been raining so several of our games have been canceled. But of the games that weren't canceled, we won them all. I kinda owe my parents a big one. If they hadn't pushed me into baseball, I don't think I would ever be where I am. AP exams are coming up and I don't think I'm ready. At this point, I'll take what I can get. I still with a 5 for Physics C. All I have left after AP exams are prom, class day, and graduation. Then it's a wrap.

I'm somewhere 3,000 miles away. Taking one step day by day. I'll eventually find the courage to say That you're the one who takes me breath away. You'll never have to meet me halfway, Because Babe, I promise I'll find the day To make this distance fade away. Hopefully if you stay, I'll take you to prom in May. Please just say "okay." It'll make my day. You might not read this poem. It's okay You might not take me to prom. It's okay Just know that I still love you, Till this very day. 💙 -N.C. March 9, 2016 1:11am

Dear Journal, I wish my Chem teacher would kill me. I finally finished my 7 page lab report and it's almost 1am. It's official, I hate chemistry. Chemistry Olympiad is next week and you already know that this homeboy is about to kick ass. It would be awesome to make it to the lab portion of the competition. I don't expect too much anymore, I don't want to be disappointed. And once again, I started losing sleep. I have some big plans coming up though. :)

Dear Journal, I decided to help sell basketball game tickets after school. As I was leaving school, I heard someone whispering "Niiick" being me. It was Ian. Ian graduated high school my freshman year. I've always looked up to Ian because everything he did was simply perfection. Perfect grades. He plays soccer for UConn. Ian had a way to go about life that I didn't seem to understand freshman year. It was nice to see him. He seems happy. Like everything will be okay. Next week will be an All Star baseball practice :) Our coach arranged past baseball captains and players to return to practice with us. I think they'll be on spring break for a week? They play for D1 colleges and I'm sure they will drill us to the max. Seth, Jack , and Cameron are all returning. A+ effort next week. All in preparation to win States Baseball this year. :) At first, I wanted to go to prom with the perfect date and have the perfect night. But after overthinking the situation, I'd be okay if I went alone. I really wanted to go with someone special. It's okay. It's just prom. I know a lot of people and I'll just dance with everyone. Kinda accepting reality that a Prince Charming isn't going to come and pick me up last minute. Prob gonna go alone and end up over drinking the sadness away. The theme doesn't help either. "A Last Night Under The Stars" wth. Prays for the Taylor Swift's You Belong With Me moment.

Define happy.