these are SO relatable as someone who’s been in one relationship before bc i thought that’s what i’m “supposed to do” as an adult:
The whole entire time i was dating my then-bf, i was basically copying/performing imitations of other ppl’s (fictional and irl) relationships or just going along with whtv my bf suggested, and i would constantly be thinking about whether i’m doing it “correctly” bc i never knew what i was “supposed to do” in the relationship. Even before i started dating him, i remember my friend telling me that i need to set my own boundaries for our relationship and that i shouldn’t just let him do whtv he wants, and i remember trying to think of what boundaries i’m “supposed to” have (like “am i supposed to not let him kiss me before dating? am i supposed to not cuddle with him before making it official? what even are the right boundaries to have?”) even tho i knew the answer was that it’s up to me, but i just didn’t care enough to determine what they were bc the honest answer would’ve actually been that i didn’t even want (and have never rly wanted) a romantic relationship to begin with (but i didn’t know that was a valid option to pick at the time). Another example would be when my friend (who didn’t rly like my bf) asked if i would choose her over my bf or vice versa, and i couldn’t rly respond bc my honest answer would’ve immediately been her, but at the same time i was also thinking “a normal person in a relationship would pick their partner, right? i’m supposed to always choose my partner first, right? wouldn’t i be seen as a bad gf if i chose my friend?”
Ppl didn’t rly comment on or ask about my relationship at the time that i was in one, but lowkey i was always on guard about it in the back of my mind, hoping no one would ask me about it bc it would’ve probably made me uncomfortable.
I definitely relate to wanting more alone time cuz my ex loves calling ppl (and i kinda hate it cuz imo calling is for urgent matters), and he wanted us to videocall every single day, which i had agreed to bc i thought i wouldn’t mind it, but i did. so it became an exhausting chore to me like after work every day, i’d be like “ugh god, i need to call him now to talk and idek what to talk about 😞” and sometimes i would genuinely not have anything to talk about bc i’d see him at least twice a week, so like literally what is there to talk about? what has happened that’s interesting that he wasn’t there for that week? nothing. and so then i would barely say anything during the calls, and then later he would point out that i’m quiet or unexpressive or smth, like YEAH BRO there’s nothing i wanna say to u rn 😭 leave me aloneeee. or he would ask some boring ahh question like “how was work?” as if it isn’t the same as it always is every day 🙄 (like bro why are you making me think about work? i just came back from work)
If my partner cheated on me, i would care a little bit in the sense that cheating is fucked up bc it means they broke a promise, but i wouldn’t care in the sense that it would be super easy to break up with them since there’s not rly any romantic feelings involved, so it’d be like “oh, u cheated? wtf bro? alright, byeeee ¯\_(ツ)_/¯”
Not necessarily being scared that i might cheat (bc who tf would i even cheat with?) but being scared that i might do smth that could be perceived as having interest in someone else when i didn’t intend it that way. For example, one time while i was in the relationship with my ex-bf, i went to an anime convention with my friends, and a guy who was cosplaying as a masked character from the same game i was cosplaying a character from complimented my cosplay, and i was like 😳kinda flustered for a second (bc i kinda have a thing for characters in masks and i always get rly excited whenever anyone compliments my cosplays), and i later told my bf about that happening but realized in the moment that that sounded kinda iffy/could be misunderstood easily, and so i quickly clarified that i didn’t gaf about the person in the costume and only thought the character itself was lowkey attractive, and my bf was like “ok……as long as it’s just a fantasy…” like ugh i don’t like having to be so aware of how i could possibly be perceived while interacting with other men just bc i like being friendly and idk what other ppl’s standards are for friendliness 😭 like what if i think i’m being super platonic and just friendly with a guy (like at the same level as with my female friends) but my hypothetical bf thinks i’m being too close just bc the friend is a guy? i’ve always had both male and female friends; my two best friends growing up were both guys, so it’s not weird to me at all
Words like boyfriend and girlfriend definitely feel very wrong & out of place to me. Being referred to as someone’s gf is kinda whtv ig, like it’s not bad but it doesn’t make me feel special; if anything, it just makes me feel awkward, like “yes hi i’m here 🧍♀️ i am (playing the role of) ‘girlfriend’ i guess.” However, casually referring to my then-bf as “my boyfriend” was so weird and icky to me for some reason???? like the phrase just felt soooo wrong and odd coming out of my mouth (i almost had to force it out cuz it did not feel natural at all); i was immediately like “ohhh nope that’s weird, i’m so not saying that phrase again” (i literally said it one time and never again lmao 😭)
I never had strong feelings of missing my partner like other ppl seem to have. i don’t miss ppl super easily in general, but my bf was probably like what ken was to barbie; like he’s just there, he just exists, he’s just ken ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ he wasn’t much more important to me than any of my friends were tbh, and when i went on vacation and didn’t see him for like almost a week (when i had been seeing him at least twice a week at the time), i was super ok with it (it was great actually 🙊 never felt like i missed him a single instance while away, now that i think about it)
I sometimes felt like i was lying when appreciating affection from my bf bc i knew he was enjoying it more than i was and i was only semi-enjoying it at best, especially if the affection was purely romantic, but mostly just tolerating it since i didn’t get any feeling out of it, which he could actually tell while we were dating.🤡 i did appreciate the affection bc it meant he genuinely liked me and wanted to be close with me, but it just rly did not do anything at all for me, so trying to act like i enjoyed it more than i did got exhausting after awhile.
Not sure which of these the last bullet point is more for, but in the past, i never ever told other ppl about crushes/ppl i thought were attractive bc i didn’t want anything to do with them; i just liked looking and that was it. i think i was subconsciously afraid that there would be pressure & expectations put on me to do smth about it (like talk to him or try dating him) if i were to tell my friends or parents. Also, sometimes i wanna tell my friends that i love them platonically, but i can’t think of a way to say that that doesn’t sound clunky/weird and also wont be misinterpreted as romantic cuz i have some close male friends who i’ve known since childhood and i feel like i can’t say i love them bc ppl might think i mean it romantically, but i don’t! i just love them as friends! and i only want to be friends with them! 😫😔
i wrote all this out for myself bc i like yapping in my head, but if it also helps clarify/expand on some of the bullet points above with specific irl examples for someone out there, that’s awesome too :)
andulkaphoto
turnnoffyourmind
jacobvanloon
ellievsbear
kianamaiart
dailybridgerton
