Untitled

*Alfred bringing tea and a plate of biscuits down to the cave during a monthly mandatory strategy meeting, with Bruce stood at the head of a table all the kids are seated around*

Duke: i shouldn't even have to be here, i'm the only one on dayshift.

Jason: uh- i reject that; i'm doin' shit during the day too, y'know.

Duke, without missing a beat: that's because you're unemployed and have no civilian friends, there's a fucking difference Jason.

Dick: *covers his mouth, snickering*

Bruce: now, boys-

Jason: i will jump over this table, brightshit. try me.

Duke: *flips Jason off*

Jason, starting to get up: oh you want it-?

Alfred, pointedly putting the tray of snacks down in between them, giving them both warning glares: i trust that the meeting is going well?

*a beat*

Jason, sitting back down: dammit,

Bruce: *sigh* thank you, Alfred. now if we could just get back to-

Duke: i still don't want to be here.

Bruce: oh for- we've been over this, Duke. everybody has to attend these meetings.

Damian: just because you say something is mandatory doesn't mean it's actually necessary. it's subjective.

Bruce: it's not subjective, it's fact. if we don't take time to co-ordinate ourselves then we're more liable to miscommunicate and get ourselves, or others, hurt. it's important that we take this time to go over protocols and codes, as well as alert everybody of upcoming missions. it's not like you have anything better to do tonight, Damian.

Damian: what the hell,

Dick: oooh~

Damian: how dare you; i have plenty of ways to spend my evening, thank you very much-

Bruce, pinching the bridge of his nose: i didn't mean it that way, chum, can we just-

Damian: for starters, Drake and I have a new Lego set to construct, which you are selfishly taking time away from!

Steph, squinting across at Tim: sorry, you two build Lego sets together?

Tim: *defensive* what, mad that he doesn't play with you?

Steph, turning to Damian incredulously: well fucking yes?? dude- i ask you to hang out all the time. how come you'll play with Tim but not me!?

Damian, easily: because your version of hanging out is just dragging me all over Gotham while we stalk your English professor. i don't give a fuck which of the PA's he's hooking up with, Brown. i just want to build Lego.

Alfred: *watches with narrowed eyes as Cass slowly leans forward and drags the entire plate of biscuits towards herself*

Bruce: Damian, language.

Damian: me?!

Dick: fuck yeah, bring down the hammer, B.

Bruce, exhausted: can we all just-

Damian, planting his hands on the table: NO, WHY AREN'T YOU GETTING MAD WHEN THEY SWEAR?

Bruce: Damian- sit back down,

Jason, casually putting his feet on the table: it's 'cause you do it wrong, Dames. the curse word has to fall off the tongue comfortably, so that nobody even realises it shouldn't be in the sentence. *tipping his head up to show his mouth* you gotta- like this, roll your tongue slightly, just let it fall off, see: cunt.

Damian, copying: cunt.

Jason: cunt,

Damian: cunt.

Bruce, staring between the two in defeat: *makes eye contact with Alfred pleadingly*

Alfred: *shrugs*

Jason: cunt,

Damian: cunt, like that?

Jason: yeah, but in a sentence.

Damian: Dick Grayson is a cunt. like that?

Jason: yeah you got it.

Dick: WOAH WOAH- why am i catching strays? the fuck did i do?

Tim, flatly: if you hadn't fucked up the protocol code names three months ago, we wouldn't have to do these meetings.

Duke, pointing at Tim in agreement: that's true.

Dick: I WASN'T THE ONLY ONE, JACKASSES, STEPH DID IT TOO!

Steph: at least i was concussed. you're just an idiot.

Dick: *visibly offended* i'll have you know-

Bruce, snapping: ok that is IT. all of you sit back down, we are going over the current standing protocols and that is FINAL. none of you are leaving until i dismiss you, and if you don't comply then you will be benched for the foreseeable future, understood?

*silence*

*the kids awkwardly exchanging glances as they settle back down into their chairs*

Bruce, sighing in relief: finally. now, can we all-

Jason: *sticks his hand up in the air*

Bruce:

Bruce: *wary* what is it about, Jason?

Jason, innocently: i have a question about the protocols.

Bruce: ...go on then.

Jason: what's the protocol for when you let a call from your overbearing father go to voicemail because you're busy getting it on with Roy Harper mid-patrol, and then said overbearing father just hacks into your private com line mid-fuck anyway, completely ignoring your boundaries and throwing off the mood, all because he wanted to ask whether or not you'd prefer fish or chicken for the family barbeque that weekend?

*complete and utter silence*

Alfred: *stares in disappointment at a rapidly reddening Bruce*

Duke, grinning wildly as he looks between Bruce and Jason: has that ever happened?

Jason, flatly: three times.

Bruce:

Bruce:

Cass: *loudly crunches on biscuits*

Bruce: ok Jason you can go,

Jason, already leaping out his chair: SEE YOU SUCKERS-

Steph: WOAH- HOLD ON, HOLD ON-

Dick: THAT'S SO UNFAIR,

Duke: JUST BECAUSE HE'S A SLUT HE GETS TO AVOID THE MEETINGS?!

Bruce: -STOP SHOUTING AT ME-

Damian: so what i'm hearing is that to get out of these ridiculous things, i just have to tell Jon he's allowed to hit?

*silence*

Bruce, to Damian: ...ok you're grounded,

Tim: Steph, i know we broke up years ago and you're technically my sister now but i feel like this is for the greater good-

Steph: you and i have the same mind, Timmy-boy.

Jason: hold on, it's on my phone, let me pull it up.

Tim, audibly delighted: i can't believe you do this-!

Bruce: Robin, don't get distracted, i need you on my six.

Damian: *already distracted, somewhat forlorn* i wish you were an owl...

Bruce: that's not- *pause* what?

Damian: they don't need people on their sixes. they can turn their heads and just look.

*silence*

*distant crashing and gunshots*

Bruce: shit- focus, Robin!

Jason: i got it, it's still here.

Tim: please god read it out,

Bruce: *amidst grunting* you two aren't helping.

Jason, dismissively: then switch to a different line? everybody knows line seven is Red Hood's territory; go back to line one.

Dick: who needs to go back to line one?

Tim: ...Dick you've been here for thirty minutes, how are you not hearing us.

Dick: sorry- you know that thing where you disassociate and drive, and then you snap back to yourself as you pull up the driveway and you have that moment of 'how the fuck am i still alive?'? i think i did that with swinging.

Jason, grunting casually: oh yeah, i get that sometimes.

Dick, mystified: how the fuck did i get to Bristol...? sorry, anyway- what are we on?

Tim: Jason's grudge list.

Dick: Jason's what now?

Jason: i have a list on my phone of the worst things everybody has done to me, so i can keep track of how much revenge i need to get to 'win'.

Damian: ...win what?

Jason: shut up. aren't you fighting?

Damian: it's not that complicated a fight.

*distant gunshot*

Damian, casually, after a beat: Father?

*sounds of punching, hitting*

Bruce: yes?

Damian: how good of a mood would you say you're in?

Bruce: ...why?

Tim: i'm calling it now he got shot- you got shot, didn't you?

*silence*

Damian: tis' but a flesh wound-,

Bruce, resigned: oh my god- Robin.

Damian: you didn't watch my six.

Tim: *laughs*

Damian: it didn't even hit anywhere important,

Bruce: i don't care- just go to the batmobile and get the first aid kit, i'll be there after i finish getting the evidence i needed.

Damian: *groans*

Dick: are you guys done? because i wanna know what's on Jason's list for me.

Tim: yeah i'm- i'm also very invested in this. actually- is Damian on there?

Jason: uhhhh- yeah, by the bottom. i don't update this that much, to be fair.

Damian: what's written for me?

Jason: it just says 'looks too much like Bruce'.

Tim: *instant snickers*

Dick: wait wait- what's on there for Bruce then?

Jason: Bruce's- *laughs* ok, Bruce's has stayed the same since before i went to Ethiopia, and it's still the most evil thing he's ever done to me.

Bruce: *confused grunt*

Jason: according to the list, the meanest shit Bruce has ever done to me was when I was thirteen years old and he took me to an evening afterparty for this opera event, and i was bored as fuck with all the other rich-people kids and i wanted to go home, so to discreetly get B's attention, i texted him-,

Bruce: oh- *snort* ok i remember this.

Dick: what happened?

Jason, indignant: i texted him asking if we could go home, and this piece of shit proceeds to look at the text in the middle of this circle of people he's talking to, read the text from me OUT LOUD TO THEM, and then he looked at me across the room and yelled out 'what's wrong, chum? who don't you like, why do you wanna leave so early?'

Tim: *long noise of sympathy*

Dick: *cackling* THAT'S SO BAD????

Bruce: *another snort*

Jason: shut up Bruce. -and you wonder why we hated you; honestly.

Bruce: you were- *struggling to tamp down his amusement* you were being a handful, and that was the quickest way i could think of to make you want to be quiet.

Dick: *more cackles*

Jason: worst moment of my life to date, and i've literally been murdered.

Bruce, slightly amused: oh come now, chum, that's dramamtic.

Jason: IT'S NOT THOUGH??? IT'S PUBLIC HUMILIATION!

Tim: *wheeze*

Damian: *hiss of pain* oh- woooaaahhhhhh,

Dick, still snickering: -uh, Dami?

Damian: hm? oh, sorry, no, carry on, don't mind me- *under his breath* huh, that's cool.

Bruce, slightly concerned: Robin, where are you? i thought i told you to wait in the car.

Damian: i am in the car.

Bruce: then what are you doing?

Damian: taking out the bullet i got shot with.

Tim: ...the hell is 'cool' about that?

Damian: there's a second one already in there that i didn't know about.

*a beat*

Dick, baffled: what?

Bruce, stern: Robin what's your status, are you ok?

Jason: when the fuck did you even last get shot?

Damian: i dunno, that's why it's cool. i guess i forgot about it?

Tim: dude- what the fuck even is your life.

Damian: yeah i don't- oh, i think the second one was blocking a vein- shit, there's blood on the seats,

Dick: oh my god BRUCE GO TO YOUR KID-

Bruce: I'M GOING-

Tim, mumbling: like father like son,

-

Wonder Woman: -oh, and thank you to Red Robin for that piece of insight you gave us last week, it was very helpful.

Damian dressed up as Tim, has no idea what she's talking about: ....no worries.

Aquaman: oh i wasn't here last week, what did you say?

Red Robin:

Red Robin: ....if you... sprinkle cinnamon on your window-ledges, then spiders aren't as likely to come into your house...?

Aquaman:

Wonder Woman:

Woman Woman: i was referring to the fact that you checked our suspect list and absolved Leonard Woodgate from suspicion due to his documented presence in Gotham during the incident.

Red Robin:

Red Robin: ah.

Wonder Woman, glaring at him: Damian.

Red Robin: fuck.

-

*Nightwing, on his phone at the meeting table*

Green Lantern: hey, Dick, can you pass me my coffee?

Nightwing: *doesn't glance over*

Green Lantern: Dick.

Green Lantern: Diiiick?

Green Lantern: RICHARD? DICK???

Batman walking in: you called me?

Green Lantern, looking between them: w- oh for fucks sake- WHERE'S BRUCE?

Dick as Batman, shrugging: honestly i didn't even ask- hey, Tim, where's B?

Nightwing: *still doesn't look up*

Red Hood, showing up in the doorway: did you say my name?

Dick as Batman, now also slightly confused: ...oh is Jason me today?

Jason as Nightwing, finally looking up: oh- sorry, what? completely zoned out there.

Tim as Red Hood: yeah man, i'm Jason, Jason's you, and you're B while he's at the dentist.

Dick: ...huh.

Green Lantern: IF YOU CAN'T TELL HOW THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO?!

-

Robin, walking into the room: i'm here, are we starting the meeting soon?

*The rest of the league not giving him a second look*

Superman: ah, hello Damian. yes, sit down, we're starting soon.

Robin:

Robin:

Tim as Robin, angrily: oh fuck off- I AM NOT SHORT ENOUGH TO PASS AS DAMIAN.

The JL:

Damian as Red Robin, walking into the room and muttering under his breath: told you, you loser.

-

bonus:

*Red Hood, pouring himself a coffee in the Watchtower kitchen*

Arsenal, coming up behind him and pinching Hood's ass: hey sexy, you coming to mine after this thing or am i coming to yours? we went to mine last time, but i dunno the weather in Gotham this week, so your choice.

Red Hood:

Red Hood:

Arsenal: what?

Dick as Red Hood: this cannot fucking be how i find out you're fucking my little brother, Roy.

Arsenal:

Arsenal: are you fucking- STOP DOING THIS.

Jason as Batman, walking into the room and looking at them for a second:

Jason as Batman: please tell me-

Dick: you treat my fucking brother with respect, Harper.

Jason as Batman: *loses his shit*

Dick: wait so- things i think you'd be good at?

Tim: all of us. like- i have a theory that Damian would be really good at making topiary animals. i don't know why, i just think he'd smash it.

Dick: oh i get it. i actually- yeah, i could see that with Damian. he's got the steady hands and the artistic talent. i have a- ok, so i have one,

Tim: go.

Dick: i've always had the strong belief that if we were to get Bruce into origami, he'd be a fuckin' paper fiend within a month.

Tim: *wheeze*

Dick: like- do you know what i mean? we'd go down to the Batcave and he'd be mindlessly churning out swans 'n octopus' n shit out of paper while trying to figure out a case.

Tim: *still snickering* i like that. i could see that. like some people knit while they watch TV?

Dick: yeah that's his version of that. i also- for you, i also feel like you would be good at ballroom dancing.

Tim, eager: oh i can actually answer that one,

Dick: yeah?

Tim: yup. *sing-song* answer's no,

Dick: *laughing*

Tim, amused: yeah- yeah my mom also had that belief when i was a kid, and she signed me up for lessons. and let me tell you? *matter of fact* used to get on my instructors last nerve~.

Dick: *gleeful* were you really that bad?

Tim: yeah, that man did not like teaching me. i just kept asking to go to the bathroom and then locking myself in for the entire lesson to look after my nintendogs.

*connecting ping*

Damian: Grayson, Father let me finish early; i'm on my way to you.

Dick: oh sick. hey, Dames, you got any headcanons about skills you think me or Tim would be good at if we tried?

Damian: headcanons? about you two?

Dick: yeah, you know... like, personal ideas or-

Damian: i know what a headcanon is. of course i don't.

Tim: aw, c'mon, not one?

Damian: i hate to break it to you, but you two aren't that interesting to think about. i rarely examine my opinions on anything to do with you unless it is directly relevant to my current life.

*a beat*

Dick: alright, ow, kinda offensive considering i invited you up to Bludhaven for the weekend?

Damian, dryly: yeah, cry about it. that will definitely make you more interesting.

Tim: what the fuck- ok fuck you, and fuck this. what about Jason, do we have any about Jason? i feel like he's the sort of person that would be really good at snowboarding but really shit at skiing.

Dick: oh, honestly? ok i do have one that i've been thinking for a while now actually,

Tim: *prompting hum*

Dick: i've always thought that Jason would be fucking incredible as a Dungeons and Dragons DM.

Tim, curious: ooooooh,

Dick: right? like- he's always been a good storyteller, and as meathead-y as he is he can kinda be a bit of a fantasy nerd. i've always thought that if i could convince him to try a campaign with me then it would be one of the greatest moments of my life.

Tim: fuck, no that's genius. i kinda want this now, do you think we could convince him?

Dick: i've been trying for years, he says he doesn't like DnD.

Damian, bored: he's lying, he plays Dungeons and Dragons all the time.

Dick: ...what?

Damian: yeah. he'd DM for me and some of his friends back in the league every now and then. i had no access to video games and Mother disapproved of other board games, so Jason would cover the DnD textbooks with mathematic book covers, and if anybody walked in on us playing we could just shut our notebooks and claim to be doing math exercises with some dice.

Dick, squeaking indignantly: he told me he had no idea how to play and couldn't be fucked to learn!

Damian, still bored: yeah he's lying because he thinks if any of you were to get involved with one of his campaigns you would be 'insufferable' to play with.

Tim: wait wait wait- so Damian, you grew up as a DnD nerd??!

Damian: why did you think i was so gullible about magic and supernatural stuff back then? my only reference for anything outside of league life was fantasy worlds and spells. when Jason first showed me the All Blades he told me it was because he'd 'acquired a new spell slot'. what reason did i have not to believe him?

Tim: oh my god it all makes so much sense now... oh my god,

Dick: wait. Damian...do you... do you still play with him?

*a beat*

Damian: occasionally.

Dick: HE'S BEEN FUCKING DMING FOR YOU AND CUTTING ME OUT?!?!

Tim: i am so fucking offended right now. who the fuck is he playing with? it can't be just you two,

Damian: no, Thomas also plays. and some of his old league friends.

Dick: are you fucking- he lets Duke play and not us?!?!

Damian: Thomas keeps trying to kill the important NPC's though, so getting through the campaign is slow going.

Dick: i am going to lose my mind-

Damian: Jason says it's a good activity for brothers.

Tim, offended: ok-

Bartholomew

Dolores

Norman

Harold

Magnolia

Names that are normal for babies but weird when you're old:

Maddison

Tanner

Skylar

Mckenzie

Logan

Names that are normal for old people and normal for babies:

Elizabeth

Mary

Michael

Finnegan

Peter

Names that are weird when you're a baby and weird when you're old:

Radish

Kerosene

Australopithecus

Anthill

Hegemony

Names that are weird when you're normal:

Balthazar

Romulus

Clandestia

Persephone

Kremulon

Names that are normal when you're weird:

RAISE THE MINIMUM WAGE!

OF NOT BEING ABLE TO

AFFORD HAPPINESS!

you have to be kinder to people who are slow processors.

you have to be kinder to people who don't understand your jokes.

you have to be kinder to people who forget important dates.

you have to be kinder to people with cognitive decline.

you have to be kinder to people who were always this way, too.

we're looking to create an AI policy, and when we were talking about this, my boss (older millennial) was genuinely shocked to hear that younger people do not (seem) to view AI positively (a la the recent commencement speakers being booed)

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