AT: This has been on my mind for a couple weeks now. I’m not a good texter but I want to say that I never thought you were a bad friend, you always showed up when I needed you most (you and kyle last summer and you had work the next day). Throughout the 10+ years, I felt like I was the only one making them majority of the effort, I didn’t mind.. I knew it was imbalanced, but I just wanted to see you guys. Finding out that you guys were playing ulti really hurt me.
All I asked for was meeting up two times a year. Even though I was manipulative (but I didn’t know at that moment, because I was just so hurt - I was just trying to voice how I feel, acting out on my emotions, rather being logical). I realize that I’m not a person that cuts people off. Ive always known that it was hard gather the girls and guys together (you guys are not close)
But in my perspective, I’ve always tried to reach out (even though I felt distant), to maintain it/improve our friendship. Losing Kyle is not that big of a deal for me, because we just reconnected a year ago, but I’ve tried to maintain our relationship over the years. And I really appreciate you and Jen.
I took pictures and shared with you and jen because I thought you would like it/im just thinking about you in that moment (flowers, cats etc).
There’s this Chinese line that I resonated with I want to share it with you.
“The kindness you show others is, in many ways, meant to fulfill something within yourself.
Before you give to someone else, ask yourself: What is the true intention behind my actions? Are you genuinely doing it for their sake, or are you hoping for a certain response in return?
Choosing to be kind is your decision. Whether someone accepts your kindness is theirs.
Stop expecting a particular outcome. Stop becoming attached to the response you hope to receive.
That is where true happiness begins.”
Perhaps what I thought showing you and Jen was my perspective of love, but perhapd it’s not the love that you want/need. It’s like me giving you it apple, but you actually like oranges. But, you’re forced to act thankful because you don’t want to hurt my feelings. (this is just an example, I’m not too sure if that’s how you feel)
For Valentine’s Day, maybe two years ago, I got you guys a basket. But because of my insecurities, I kept on asking ‘do you like it? Etc’ - that is just how I show love, because I didn’t know how to connect with you guys
I enjoy writing letters/and receiving letters. I still read the letter you and Clay got me for Christmas in 2020. Perhaps we have drifted away over the years, but I really appreciate you visiting me in the hospital, checking up on me.
I just want to voice this out
