Ariadneowl

GOD

yuna and david were supposed to go to this game but thought they would have to cancel because they'd already agreed to going out to dinner with some friends who canceled last minute and then david had to work late, so yuna decided to drive up to montreal after all, and SHANE! WHO THOUGHT THIS PLAN WAS ALREADY CANCELED! THUS DIDN'T CHECK HIS PHONE WHEN HE AGREED TO LET ROZANOV COME OVER THE DAY BEFORE THE GAME, WHICH THEY DON'T ALWAYS DO.

which means yuna lets herself into shane's apartment (because why wouldn't she? shane's not texting back, which is strange, but maybe he's sick? it is flu season. and she has his key anyway.) ONLY TO FIND! SHANE AND ILYA ROZANOV SHIRTLESS ON SHANE'S COUCH AND ALMOST GIVING EACH OTHER BLACK EYES WITH THE SPEED WITH WHICH THEY SCRAMBLE OFF OF EACH OTHER.

and like??? really only ONE FUCKING THING they could have been doing!! very obvious what she just interrupted!!!

and oh...OH. all of this talk about how it's complicated and how shane can't openly be with his partner and yeah. yeah she gets it now. (yuna, oh my god). it ALL makes sense now. (yuna, please.) and yeah, kind of a mindfuck that her son's partner is the man?? who is supposed to be his greatest rival?? but she's already had a year of knowing shane was seeing SOMEONE. sooooo uh. hello, i'm yuna, we've met before but not under these circumstances, it's so nice to meet you finally for real, and-

and meanwhile ilya?? no fucking idea what's going on. kind of having a heart attack because jesus FUCK does he have a lot to lose if this gets out, but also?? she's shane's mom?? so she can't out him without outing shane and he's pretty sure she's not going to do that-

and then he registers that shane is Fully Freaking The Fuck Out. like straight up looks like he's about to pass out. and he doesn't know what's going on, but he knows shane looks like there is nothing happening in his head but aol dial-up noises and car wreck noises. and like. listen. ilya is also thrown for a loop, but he's not actually an asshole. he can tell shane is fucking TERRIFIED, so he's going to try and do what he can.

and what's the easiest answer to give when he doesn't know what's happening? agreeing with everything yuna is telling him.

yep. he is indeed shane's partner. he doesn't FULLY know that he understands exactly what that is, but he can figure that out when hollander doesn't actively look like he's going to pass tf out on him.

it's also at this point that yuna clocks back in enough (listen, sue her, okay, she has been DYING to know for a year now, so yeah she got excited and single mind tracked for a bit) to realize that her son and her son's partner are both still shirtless and she CLEARLY just interrupted Adult Alone Time, so she 180s and is like, "i'm going to go get some coffee, honey, you two can...*vague handwave* and oh! actually! your dad might miss the game, but he can still drive up tonight and we can have dinner here and-" and she is full Yuna Hollander Full Steam Ahead.

and then yuna is gone and it's shane and ilya.

and shane just. slooooowly curls up on his knees on the floor because What The Fucking Fuck Just Fucking Happened.

and ilya is also still a little ???? but puts a pin in that to talk hollander down from the ledge because man looks Bad.

and now they've got like. MAYBE 30 minutes to try and come up with a fake ass story for this dinner they're apparently going to have.

AND THEY STILL HAVE TO PLAY A FUCKING GAME BEFORE THEN.

and shane is just, "i know this is so weird. i am so sorry. trust me, i would willingly walk into traffic if i thought that would fix this. please just go along with it and i will explain whatever i can explain later-"

so they end up having dinner and managing to pull this act out of their ASSES. and they nearly fumble when shane starts to call him rozanov, but he can't do that with his partner, can he? that feels weird. so he calls him ilya, and ilya feels a little !!! zip inside him because oh!! that's!! new!! and oddly nice!! so calls him shane back.

so now they've broken the seal on first names. apparently. some fucking how.

and because yuna is yuna and DID HER FUCKING WAITING, she is inviting ilya to come to ottawa for the easter long weekend since they'll have time and it's not a couple's holiday anyway and he won't be going back to russia with such a short turnaround time-

and. listen. does shane feel great about this? no.

but it still feels better than having to look his mother in the face and say his partner is actually just a guy he fucks sometimes with no strings attached (jesus christ, shane.)

and ilya...is kind of just. going along. this is weird and also potentially complicated, but now gets to put his arm around shane? and call him shane? and he gets to pretend to play boyfriends because they have the understanding that This Is Fake? tbh? kind of ideal. the fun of playing boyfriend without having to admit ANYTHING to himself.

like shane isn't actually bold enough to really initiate anything, but ilya (at least from what he would say) has no horse in this race and tbh? kind of fun to play boyfriend. it's SO OBVIOUSLY FAKE OF COURSE, but like. sitting next to shane. and holding his hand. and kissing his cheek. and even putting his arm around him. and doing things like grabbing him a ginger ale if he's already up. it's all of the stupid daydream things he's *thought* about. and now. he gets to do them.

BUT IT'S ALL FAKE. IT'S JUST FOR THE SAKE OF LYING TO YUNA AND DAVID. THAT'S ALL.

and meanwhile shane?? is getting cuddles?? and gets to offer affection in return?? and ilya is attentive and responsive and even texts him often now?? because they need to have their story straight with each other and what's going on?? so they talk pretty often now?? and they've even cooked together a few times because shane panicked a little when trying to come up with Shit Couples Do when talking to his parents about what he and ilya do and just threw out "COOKING" because his parents cook together (meaning yuna gets to watch like it's her personal food network show and play taste tester), and then yuna and david who both know that shane has allergies and is a little particular about things with texture, etc. are just ?? ilya knows how to cook in a way you like??? and shane is just. Yes That Is Absolutely A True Fact About My Relationship With My Very Real Partner Ilya Rozanov.

and yet back to a wall, no way out? rozanov had his back.

and still has his back.

and GOD the guilt of feeling like he's tricking rozanov when roz is already being so kind and doing this INSANE thing with him just so he won't have to admit something to his parents that he doesn't want to. rozanov is over here being the ultimate bro, and shane is the horrible person catching feelings and enjoying lightly snuggling with rozanov on the couch even though it's all a performance and means nothing.

and meanwhile ilya is getting to play happy family and kiss shane affectionately instead of just passionately and get things he wanted but always told himself no to before.

and he just thinks shane is putting up wtih all of this because he's just so golden boy that he doesn't want to admit that he's just fucking ilya casually. like yeah it's a little crazy to be doing this whole pretend boyfriends thing just so his parents won't know he hooks up sometimes, but like. it's shane. this tracks.

which means that ilya is the horrible person taking advantage of this agreement of theirs and playing boyfriend because it feels good and it's fun to be accepted into a family and yuna and david are so welcoming to him. like he is getting this taste of something he wants SO BAD.

and yet it's not his. not really.

and he has to wonder who's eventually going to come along and take this spot from him.

because it's not his.

and there is a moment after they first climb in bed where they're just laying on their backs looking at the ceiling and they both think about the first time they hooked up and glance at each other and just KNOW the other person is thinking the same thing and can't help but laugh. and then that makes it all feel more comfortable because like. they've been a little awkward with each other before. they'll survive. and after that, it gets easier. like turning on their sides and talking until shane (who is usually RELIGIOUS about his sensible bedtime) is yawning more and more until he finally drifts off.

and ilya knows he shouldn't. this isn't what they are.

but he can't help edging close enough to put an arm over him and enjoy the solid warmth of him held close. and he plans to let him go! he does! one little snuggle just to find out what it feels like and then he'll be done!

...but he falls asleep instead.

so shane wakes up snuggled up all cozy and is just MORTIFIED. oh god. he got clingy in his sleep. he knows from when he was a kid that his parents used to tease him about being a barnacle and now he's done it AGAIN oh FUCK this is going to be so awkward now.

and they don't mention it. either of them.

internally they both panicked and just went "okay first time i felt attracted to you-" JUST ASSUMING. PROBABLY THE SAME FOR THE OTHER PERSON.

so ilya gives the date they met in that parking lot, when this beautiful freckled talented player came up and SO obviously flirted with him. ilya was interested immediately because of course he was. (but in a CASUAL way. SO fucking casual guys. SO casual.)

but shane goes with their first time in his apartment. two years of leading up to it. so much anticipation. and the interest was always there because of course it was, but that night he felt WANTED. and safe. and like something clicked into place for him for the first time. and it's SO CASUAL OBVIOUSLY, but he felt SO connected and comfortable and at one with ilya that night that if he had to say when they started, he would pick then.

but now they're just staring at each other like "what do you mean" "what do YOU mean" because APPARENTLY this is something they should have fucking REHEARSED.

WAIT OH G O D

yuna making teasing playful (...but also just so her calendar lines up-) jokes about marriage one day and maybe kids and-

and ilya realizes. yeah. he does want that. it's big enough that the idea of it is fucking TERRIFYING. but also?? he's literally had a test run of this working?? and it DOES?? and it's GOOD??? he gets affection with shane and a family that accepts and wants him there??? and the idea of doing that forever?? pretty fucking sweet.

but also. this is. pretend.

but is it??????

like. shane started this. he's the one who started the lie about the partner, but was it just a lie? or was it wishful thinking? does shane want it, too? he's not a good liar, after all. he CAN'T be this good of an actor. he CAN'T BE. so maybe him leaning into the pda and cheek kisses and teasing IS real.

maybe ilya could have this after all.

but "can't talk openly about his feelings or he'll explode" in chief asks in the MOST roundabout fucking way about if shane has other "partners" he's waiting to bring home. and ilya is still hedging his bets so mentions that david and yuna might be mad at him if word gets out about him being with women, and his friend svetlana has been asking recently why he isn't down to fuck her anymore and-

and shane reads this as, "he wants to know if i can just make someone else take over because he's sick of this ruining his sex life."

so fine. fine.

and it fucking HURTS, okay. it hurts his heart that he got a taste of this and ilya is saying that he doesn't want anymore. and really, what else should he have expected? he asked THE most insane thing of his fuckbuddy. it's little fucking wonder he's tired of it. who wouldn't be?

but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt his feelings.

so shane packs it up to leave and not spend the night for the first time in MONTHS and ilya just ??? what is happening?? and shane is trying SO HARD to keep it together because worse than his fuckbuddy having to say "hey, let me out of this weird ass lie" would be his fuckbuddy saying that and him crying about it. so shane grabs his stuff and is just, "yeah, we should end this. don't worry. i'll tell my parents." because HE THINKS HE'S AGREEING WITH WHAT ILYA JUST SAID.

G O D

shane feeling bad because yuna and david had asked about ilya's family and if they were accepting, and ilya kind of stalled out and blue screened but managed a, "no. is...more complicated." because like. he knows yuna hollander by now. if he doesn't shut it down, she WILL take initiative.

so shane knows by now that ilya doesn't have any family to be open around, and he doesn't want to TAKE THAT FROM HIM

but also ilya has said he doesn't want to be fake dating anymore (shane please), but shane also isn't heartless even if he's hurt, so he pulls the, "don't worry, i told my parents it was amicable and we decided to be friends" via text because he wants ilya to know he's not going to take this from him if he wants it, even if ilya doesn't want anything else with him (shane oh my god)

and i feel like david and yuna would be nice to rose, but i feel like they are also ???? so goddamn confused?????? (and yuna has also been left with too little information and has drawn up an ELABORATE potential theory of rose being a homewrecker that david was woken up at 2 am to hear) and like. rose can pick up that This Energy Is Fucking Off. it was already kind of fast for shane to be bringing her home but also?? athletes tend to be kind of intense anyway?? from what she's heard?? so?? okay?? kind of sweet that he wants to bring her home so fast, really.

except what?? is happening??? why does she feel like she's INTRUDING??

But consider:

The one that ends, "You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman. You are your own voyeur."?

LEVEL 0: People exist

LEVEL 1: "Man" and "Woman" roles are constructed; posed as a strict binary with discrete and disparate traits and roles.

LEVEL 2: Man wields power; Woman relies on Man's approval. One role is perceived and valued as better, stronger, smarter. Requiring Man's approval, Woman cultivates inner "man" in order to see herself from Man's perspective as a tool to better anticipate Man's desires.

LEVEL 3: Man perceives Woman's "inner man"; Man perceives anticipatory and appealing behavior as deceptive and manipulative. The potential ability of Woman to manipulate and deceive Man places Women in a position of power above Man, which Man perceives as a threat. In response, Man cultivates "inner woman": a tool which he uses to perceive the "inner man" who Woman uses to predict and appeal to Man.

LEVEL 4: Man "sees" the caricature of "Man" further distorted by the caricature of his conceptualized "Woman" and feels threatened and inferior, but at the same time trapped by the binary which generates this power struggle. Inside of him is a deceptive and threatening "Woman" who he rejects; inside of HER is the Ultimate Man, who this image of Woman supposedly desires the approval of.

If Woman can predict Man, then Woman is an opponent who leverages power through engagement with Man. The only way for "Man" to escape the Threat that Woman poses is to cease engagement. He retains "victory" (escape from woman) by maintaining distance from Woman, and because explicitly admitting the possibility that Woman could ever hold power over Man is Losing, has no option but to tell himself that this is not Fear of Losing Control, but a natural consequence of Posessing Control.

Man rejects any but the most surface-level engagement with Woman, but because "Hiding From Woman" means "Woman Is Threat", and BELIEVING "Woman Is Threat" is unacceptable, Man attempts to cut Woman from the narrative.

LEVEL 5: Man, possessing the "inner woman"'s "inner man" but determined to escape the influence of "woman", mentally erases "Woman" but retains the caricature's caricature of "inner man", who is desirable to BE.

Man possesses exaggerated image of Man, who now exists solely as the Ultimate Desireable Form. In order to achieve this form, Man must constantly see through his eyes, but in order to remain safe in his position of power over Woman, he must erase any trace of evidence that he is DOING this for Woman.

Man must Be the Ultimate Man, because [redacted], who requires Man's Approval.

My theory is this:

If we construct an environment where the rules are

"There are two parties that cannot survive without assistance from the other"

"One party dominates the other"

"Control is domination", and

"To be dominated threatens your survival",

"You are my soulmate. We are forged together by battle and tears and love. Also my brother's coming along."

"Isn't it weird that your brother in law is always hanging around?"

So currently I answer to my full first name (which I usually introduce myself with) as well as two nicknames/diminutives plus my last name when people mistake it for a first name. There are two or three other nicknames I've also gone by in the past. I'm perfectly fine with this, or neutral at minimum-- I have a common name and have had to be flexible with how I'm distinguished for my whole life. I also don't feel a deep and fundamental connection of my name with my identity, though I think going by another name entirely would confuse me.

A number of friends have been appalled at me being called names I don't say are my name. Which is really weird to me, although I'd go to battle for anyone else who was getting either deadnamed or called something they didn't want. But this perspective seems surprisingly common!

Floral Brocade Silk 3-Piece Ensemble

c. 1860

Discovered last year I couldn’t look at my 2015 MacBook Air without it triggering nausea and migraines, and figured the screen died. Have been getting by on my phone, but concluded I really need a laptop again.

Saved up, realised I could afford a brand new MacBook Neo, and got one.

-And I couldn’t spend more than five minutes looking at the screen without massive eye strain, nausea, vertigo, and if I pushed it, I-need-to-lie-down-in-a-dark-room-for-hours migraines.

Looking up MacBook and Eyestrain explained what is going on. The liquid retina displays that Apple currently has uses Pulse Width Modulation or PWM. In order to give the screens a deeper depth of colour and contrast, PWM flickers between several hundred to thousand times a second.

And there is currently no way to turn it off. There are settings and apps to reduce it, but there is no way to stop the screen from flickering. Checked Apple forums, called Apple Support, and the time I could look at the screen kept shrinking. Got the laptop Tuesday, returned it Friday, today is Sunday and I’m still dealing with a vertigo migraine.

For MacBooks, it seems to vary on the computer model and the software it uses. In retrospect, the issue with my MacBook Air started after a major software update.

And it’s not just an Apple thing. Current Windows and Android screens do the same thing. There’s even a Reddit for people who are sensitive to PWM flickers to help find computers and screens that won’t trigger eyestrain and headaches.

So, yeah. This week has been a learning experience. But for those who are prone to headaches and migraines, this may be something to be aware of, cause I was not.