It’s that time of year again, the holidays! Time for family, presents, and cheer! So candy those yams, stuff the turkey, pass the pumpkin pie, and…..panic?
Ok…it’s fine, this is fine…I’ll just…tell them I’m not hungry? I feel sick? I already ate?
Year after year these are the thoughts that pass through my mind. Year after year I go into a complete state of panic for 3 months. I’m constantly thinking of how I’m going to survive the next family dinner or company potluck. Trying to summon excuses I can make and reasons I can skip the next event.
Am I really hoping for the flu right now? Yes…yes I am.
ARFID doesn’t take a break for the holidays, it just buckles it’s seatbelt and hits the gas.
The holidays bring family and cheer but for me they also bring a lot of sadness. I’m sad for the person I could be if I wasn’t like this. I’m sad for the person I am, missing out on the joyous occasion.
I think about how much harder it would be if I were dating or married. Having to juggle two peoples schedule of events. Having to make up even more excuses. I think about how it seems pointless to try to date, after all, no one will understand this. And just like that I spiral into the all-consuming thoughts of being alone forever.
Yep, there it is. Just like that the life I dreamed for myself comes crashing down. Cheers.
But just as my life is crumbling before my very eyes I hear a question that snaps me back to reality.
“Why aren’t you eating”
“You haven’t grown out of this yet?”
“If you grew up in my house you wouldn’t be like this”
“You should be grateful for what you have”
Heartbroken. They just don’t understand, and they never will. How do you even answer those questions? They don’t realize that their words will spin me into another round of sobs when I’m alone.
So happy holidays everyone. Remember that you are so much more than the food on your plate. Other people’s judgements can hurt…they cut deep, but they do not define you. You can do this, you can get through this …now I’m just trying to convince myself…
