Started as a way of discussing Supernatural but will also use this as a creative outlet. I just write and draw for fun, but everyone needs a creative outlet! Header image is commission work from the wonderful Emily Muto of my and my friend's original ElfQuest characters. My avatar is also from Emi Muto, of my VtM character Imlie Astir.
Happy Valentine’s Day @official-wayward-herondale! While this isn’t a direct 15x18 fix-it I hope it’s close enough. I enjoyed writing this and I hope you enjoy your day!
Thanks to @fallingstarsdeancas and @acklesology for arranging this gift exchange, I appreciate all the time you two put into this.
@nguyenxtrang you are the absolute best, thanks for beta-ing this story on such short notice!!!
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Some Things I’ll Never Say (But I’ll Show You Anyway) - read it on AO3!
In the beginning, Dean hadn’t coped well at all. He avoided Sam, he resented Jack, and he drank himself into oblivion at every available opportunity. Then Jody showed up with Claire in tow. She just shook her head sadly at Dean and proceeded to shove him towards the shower insisting that he clean himself up. Something about the deep and conflicted pain in Claire’s eyes spurred him into movement.
Dean did as Jody asked and was surprised how much better he felt after washing away days’ worth of sweat and grime. There was still a jagged chasm in his chest, but at least he could breathe without reeking of his own despair. He allowed himself to sink into the sensation of scalding water pounding on his skin, but without the aid of alcohol Dean couldn’t prevent his mind from summoning up the teary blue eyes of his dead best friend to haunt him. Screaming, Dean smashed his fist into the wall until it bled. He sank to the bottom of the tub wishing desperately to just stop hurting.
“Dammit Cas, why? Why did you have to leave me again? Why do I keep having to see you die? Fuck, why is Jack willing to bring back everyone else, but leave his own Dad to rot in the Empty? Do you still hear me when I pray to you, you bastard? Why haven’t you come back to me?” Dean’s rant was lost in the pouring rush of running water.
Eventually the sound of Jody pounding on the door reminded Dean that he was still standing in the shower long after he’d cleaned himself up. Dragging himself into clean clothing, Dean’s anger continued to burn, his frustration at Cas growing and holding the sorrow at bay long enough to listen to Sam, Claire, and Jody as they told him what they’d managed to learn about the Empty.
“What difference does it make that the Empty can’t hold human souls? Cas ain’t human and there’s nothing we can do now that he’s already been taken? Isn’t that what Jack said when he refused to help? That there’s no way to get to Cas now since he made a deal with the Empty in the first place?”
“Will you shut the hell up and listen?” Claire looked supremely unimpressed with Dean’s attitude as she continued talking so he didn’t have a chance to respond. “When I was Castiel’s vessel for a short time I knew what he did, or at least what he noticed at that time. Obviously, angel thoughts aren’t really meant to be understood by us mere mortals, but I do remember you Dean. You, uh, sort of called to Castiel, despite his dickishness at the time. I think he imprinted on you or something?”
“Exactly, remember how he said you shared a profound bond Dean? I think he imbued you with some of his grace when he pulled you out of Hell.” Sam sounded all too chipper considering Dean’s mood, but then Dean recalled the handprint that used to be raised on his arm, and the bloody handprint that echoed that when Cas sacrificed himself to the Empty.
“I mean, sure, I’d buy that, but what does that have to do with saving Cas?” Dean had no idea where this conversation was going, but he was wary of the hope that was starting to build up inside of him.
“Dean, Sam and Claire think they can use the grace in your body to tether your soul to Cas. If he’s intrinsically bound to a human soul - ” Dean jumped in cutting Jody off.
“The Empty can’t keep him!”
“Yeah man, exactly. The only tricky part is distinguishing Cas’ grace from Michael since he would have left a trace behind as well. Cas’ should be more dominant in your system from what Claire remembers though. She said that her Dad didn’t call to Cas, more that she could just tell he was a vessel.” Claire grimaced at Sam’s speech and shrugged off Jody’s consoling shoulder pat. Dean appreciated that Claire was willing to help, despite her complicated past with Castiel.
“Is there any way to pull what’s left of Michael’s grace out of me, like you guys did with Gadreel?” Sam scowled at the suggestion.
“That’s a terrible idea Dean, if we kill you, we can’t do any of this.”
Dean nodded, conceding Sam’s point.
“What about Jack?” Dean’s lips thinned at Jody’s suggestion.
“Yeah right, he already made it clear that he’s perfectly fine letting Cas rot in the Empty.” Dean almost fell out of his chair at the appearance of Jack in the Bunker.
“Dean, I never said I wanted Castiel to ‘rot in the Empty’.” Dean’s heart fluttered at Jack’s air quotes. He missed Cas so badly, but maybe taking out his pain on their kid was a dick move. He was just so much like Cas, it hurt sometimes. “I’m certainly willing to purge you of Michael’s grace, if you’d like me to do so.”
“I’m sorry kid, I keep doing things wrong with you. I know you want him back too.” Jack gave Dean a small smile. “Yeah Jack, I’d really appreciate you getting rid of whatever shit Michael left behind."
---
Purging Michael’s grace hadn’t hurt at all. Pulling bits of Dean’s soul infused with Cas’ grace like it was some sort of spiritual taffy felt like being mauled by a fucking Wendigo. Jack had left after helping with Michael’s grace; he had said they were more likely to succeed without his presence as the Empty was too familiar with him. The more they had surprise on their side, the better.
Sam somehow convinced Rowena to help, which was apparently a good thing. Sam insisted that she had much more experience with manipulating souls (which Dean couldn’t really argue with her resume in that area) and would be their best chance at stretching his soul into the Empty while using the small amount of grace embedded in Dean as a kind of locator spell. The problem was that Dean was having a hard damn time with the sensation of stretching his soul across other planes of existence. Sam had told him that he had to stay conscious because they needed him to pray to Cas. They all hoped Dean’s prayers would help the grace find its original source.
C’mon Cas, please hear me this time. I need you to call your grace back to you. We found a way to get to you, but we need your help. I need you to accept what’s being offered. Please Cas, please come home to us. To me.
Dean’s prayers became more and more desperate. What if Cas refused to accept Dean’s soul? Cas died believing that Dean didn’t love him back, at least not in the same way. What if the self-sacrificing asshole wouldn’t take a bond with Dean’s soul if he didn’t think Dean would ever return his feelings? Dean began to panic as the pain increased.
“Dean?” Sam’s voice barely cut through the fog of pain, but Dean tried to nod in response. “Rowena says that you should be close, that the locator spell is working. Keep trying to reach him, she doesn’t know how long a human soul can infiltrate the Empty and go unnoticed.”
Castiel, Cas, I need you to listen to me. Take my fucking soul already, Rowena can’t keep up this spell forever. Please Cas, I don’t know what’s going through your stubborn angel brain right now, but I swear I want this, I want to bind my soul to your grace. I need you back with me, I need you to stay with me. Come back to me Cas, I refuse to lose you again. I’m begging you Cas, accept my soul, let me bring you home.
Dean felt the pain increase and knew he was on the edge of passing out when he felt a response. A cooling sensation, tingling like when Cas would heal him, rushed through Dean as he felt a wrenching and a flood of what he could only describe as love. The feeling was even more overwhelming than the pain had been, and Dean couldn’t hold on to consciousness any longer.
---
The next thing Dean felt was fingers running through his hair. The sensation was soothing and if Dean was dreaming, he didn’t care to wake up.
“Hello Dean. I know you’re awake.” Dean’s eyes flew open at the deep and beloved voice of his best friend. Greeted by familiar blue eyes, Dean tried to throw his arms around his angel only to fall back onto his pillow light-headed and dizzy. Cas chuckled softly.
“Cas?”
“Please take care Dean, you’ve been through quite an ordeal for a human, and it will take time to recover. Unfortunately, I can’t heal you from the effects of binding your soul to my grace.” Cas’ brows furrowed in concern as he resumed combing his fingers through Dean’s hair.
“Yeah, okay but, you’re really here? It worked?” Dean’s voice was almost a plea, he didn’t think he’d survive losing Cas again, even if this was all some sort of elaborate hallucination.
“I’m really here Dean. Your claim on me supersedes the Empty’s. I’m yours officially now, always, and in whatever way you will have me.” Cas’ smile was too sad, and Dean felt like he was missing something.
“Why aren’t you happy Cas?”
“I’m sorry Dean, I am happy, I just feel like you’ve bound yourself to me when you could have had so much more in your life. I wanted you to have the chance to find all the love you deserve, to find real happiness for once, and now you’re stuck with a tie to me that can never be undone.” Can turned away as he spoke, as if afraid of Dean’s reaction.
“Cas.” Dean pulled on Cas’ sleeve and dragged him down onto the bed. If Dean couldn’t sit up, then the angel could lay down with Dean. “Cas, I’m sorry I didn’t make it clear. When you said there was one thing you wanted that you couldn’t have… you were wrong. You can have me. I’ve been yours for so long now. I’m sorry I never told you, I’m sorry you died thinking I didn’t feel the same way. Dammit Cas, all I’ve ever wanted was for you to stay with me. So please, take me, take all of me, because you can have what you want, and I intend to spend the rest of my life proving that to you.
Cas seemed speechless in light of Dean’s words, but his eyes were brimming with the same love that had sent him to the Empty in the first place. The angel gently rubbed his thumb over Dean’s cheekbone, and leaned in tentatively, as if still expecting a rejection. Dean couldn’t stand it any longer. Maybe he hadn’t found a way to squeeze three little words out, but he could show Cas how he felt. He surged forward to close the gap and melted into Cas’ lips. As he poured every loving feeling he couldn’t put into words into the kiss, Dean knew that he would try every day of the rest of his life to show his angel all the ways he adored and cherished him.
“I’m yours, Cas.” Dean whispered the words in between breathless kisses.
“As I am for you Dean. Forever.”
Against all odds Dean Winchester was now truly saved, and Castiel had found a true home in the arms of the man he loved more than Heaven.
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I am beyond delighted to finally be able to post the art for this year’s Dean/Cas Reverse Bang!
It was an absolute pleasure to work with the ultra-talented @zaffrefic this year, and I think you’ll be very happy to read this wonderfully fluffy canonverse piece; I am in awe: it is super fun, true to character, and just SO sweet! WE ARE BOTH VERY EXCITED!!! Zaffre is a gem, and they were so patient and gracious with me! I LOVE IT WHEN A PLAN COMES TOGETHER! (Spoiler: WINGS!)
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for my mini birthday celebration, prompt: angel!cas <3
also posted on ao3. word count: 1309
It had started as a simple question; Dean’s curiosity getting the better of him as he let his mind wander to how Cas’ angel powers worked. They’d been cooking together, even though Cas rarely ate. The angel claimed he enjoyed spending time with Dean, and something in Dean’s chest had flip-flopped at the thought that Cas did things like this with him even though it had no benefit for Cas himself, merely because he enjoyed Dean’s company.
“What do sensations feel like?” Dean asked, sliding the bowl of mixed spices from Cas’ hands as he added them into the dish.
Cas cocked his head, gazing at Dean with scrunched eyebrows that made Dean want to reach out and feel them against the pads of his fingers. “What do you mean?”
Shaking his head to disrupt the stray thoughts of cupping Cas’ face and tracing each wrinkle and line of stubble, Dean cleared his throat. “I mean… to you. What do sensations feel like to you? How do you interpret taste? Or touch? Or smells?” he asked, motioning to the pan where a warm aroma of paprika and cayenne pepper floated up to infuse the air around them.
Shrugging, Cas gave Dean a puzzled look as if he were searching for the answers within the very fabric of space that separated at the counter. “Different than you do,” Cas said carefully, almost thoughtfully. “Not bad. Just different. We have words in Enochian that capture things similarly to how you feel sensations, but it’s not as visceral as human descriptions.”
“Does that mean you like things that have human sensations? Or are they disconcerting?”
Moving past Dean to pick up the vegetables, Cas let their hands brush as he handed them to Dean. “Sometimes it’s overwhelming. But when it’s something we share… it’s good.”
Pausing his stirring, Dean turned and gave Cas a small smile. “Tell me what you feel?”
Sliding a long slender finger along the rim of the bowl, Cas murmured several words in Enochian- sending a shiver down Dean’s spine- before tilting his head to smile softly at him. “Warmth. Luscious. Soulful.”
There was something about the words that had Dean’s breath catching in his lungs. Swallowing thickly, Dean asked, “Which part are you describing?”
“All of it,” Cas said, eyes flickering across Dean before darting away.
Oh God. Yeah, Dean was so screwed.
~
The second time Dean inquired about sensations, they’d just stopped at a diner on the way home from a hunt the two of them had taken in Oklahoma.
It was late, the moon having replaced the sun hours ago; sending a cascade of silver light across Cas’ face until he was almost glowing in the seat next to Dean. It felt poetic, watching the ethereal energy that seeped from Cas as he quietly munched on the food they were sharing.
“What do you want?” Cas asked, gesturing to the food that was balanced in his lap. “Don’t want it going cold.”
Humming, Dean pointed at the wrapped burger, and when Cas handed it to him he unwrapped it against the steering wheel. He couldn’t stop himself from darting his gaze from the road over to Cas, watching as Cas ate like it was the most captivating sight he’d ever witnessed. And, yeah, it kinda was. Watching Cas experience tastes, blending Angelic thoughts with human sensations was something that left Dean dizzy.
“Can I have a-” Dean trailed off, watching from the driver’s seat as Cas’ plush lips wrapped around the straw dipped in the creamy milkshake. He swallowed thickly as Cas licked his lips absentmindedly to chase the taste of sweetness, flashing Dean a gummy smile as he tilted the cup towards Dean.
“Did you want a sip of this milkshake?” Cas asked.
Dean’s mind had been focused on the fries a moment ago, but now he’d been sidetracked by Cas’ mouth and the idea of tasting the Oreo milkshake on Cas’ lips.
“What does it taste like?” Dean asked, noticing a little too late that his voice had dropped an octave and he desperately needed to clear his throat to shake off the hints of something more lingering beneath the surface.
Closing his eyes, Cas took another sip, a content expression settling across his face. “Light. Like the first peeks of sun in the morning.”
“Is that a good thing?” Dean asked, the comparison slightly obscure and yet completely Cas.
Nodding, Cas took another sip with a pleased smile. “I can catch a lingering hint of sweetness, too.”
There were a lot of things Dean wanted to say to that; most of them about Cas being the sweet one. Instead, he bit down on his tongue and held out his hand with a beckoning motion. “Well, now I’ve gotta try it to see what this first peek of sunshine tastes like.”
The milkshake was good, but something about knowing Cas’ lips had been wrapped around the straw was the real taste that Dean was chasing as he took another sip.
~
Slumping down the couch, Dean let his legs press against Cas’ side as the final scene came to a close and the credits began to roll. It was late, several beers and more popcorn than a human should eat making Dean feel content and carefree.
He blamed that feeling on the words he said as the movie ended. “What does touch feel like to you?” Dean asked.
“Depends what kind of touch,” Cas replied absentmindedly, balancing the empty bowl on the edge of the table as he picked up the remote.
“Like this,” Dean mumbled, pressing his feet against the warmth of Cas’ thigh.
Cas froze for a second, eyes flickering over to Dean before he said quietly, “That’s not fair.”
“Why not?”
Tilting his head, Cas gave him this unreadable expression that made Dean’s heart lurch in his chest. “Because it’s always different with you.”
“Different how?” Dean asked, pushing himself up against the cushions so he could analyze Cas’ face. Did Cas feel it too? This spark between them, indescribable and overwhelming to every sensation?
“Like it’s never enough,” Cas replied, glancing at Dean with a look that struck a chord deep in Dean’s chest.
He knew that feeling all the way to his soul. Deep and aching as he reached out across the space between them to pull Cas closer. “Longing. That’s what the sensation is.”
Cas opened his mouth, about to say something, but Dean shook his head, letting his hand reach up to trail fingertips across the warmth of Cas’ cheek. “What about this? What does this sensation feel like?” Dean murmured.
“Temptation,” Cas replied, eyes fluttering shut as if he couldn’t handle the simple touch.
Leaning in, Dean let his mouth ghost over Cas’, heart leaping against his ribs as he whispered, “What about now?”
Before he could let Cas reply, he pressed their lips together; a butterfly kiss, soft and tender, before he was pulling back, completely breathless.
Reaching out, Cas pulled Dean closer without opening his eyes. “Dean,” he said on an exhale, so softly it almost wasn’t a word.
“Look at me,” Dean said, waiting until Cas’ eyes opened before he kissed him again. Cas kissed him back, lips gentle yet delicious against his own as they moved against each other. “What do you feel now?
“Whole,” Cas said, quickly pressing their lips together again in a chaste kiss. Then another. And another. “Is that how it’s supposed to feel?”
Dean nodded, chasing Cas’ mouth until they were hovering on the brink of a kiss. “Yes, it’s-”
Cas didn’t let him finish before he was drawing him closer until they were tangled together. “New favorite sensation,” Cas said against Dean’s mouth.
Laughing, happy and giddy, Dean chased the enchanting sensation until he’d memorized the way Cas’ mouth tasted. Definitely his new favorite sensation, too.
Here’s my piece for the @destielzine (Endings fix-it zine)!
This is probably the last bit of spn art you’re going to see from me for a very long time, it’s exciting to finally share it as a positive little farewell to spn💘
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I came across a tumblr post about how Felicia Day said in an interview her least favorite episode to film was the one where she died. She detailed that while filming the scene in the bathroom she kept looking to the window and thought "Charlie could fit through that window."
She even measured it, but every time she tried to explain the various plot holes and how Charlie definitely could have made it, she was told "No, [Charlie] has to die."
So, I figured I'd just make a little comic to "fix" this plot hole and give us all a version where Charlie lives at the end.
(Click images for better quality)
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Twitter: @JessiLeighArt
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