The best title ever!

its a palm tree

I hate you

literally anytime i do anything remotely difficult i suddenly feel as though i am frodo baggins collapsed on mount doom. like i’ll be composing an email and suddenly i cant recall the taste of food nor the sound of water and there’s a giant flaming eyeball hindering my vision and i dont even have my gardeners big strong arms to gently cradle me

having one of those executive function days where everything is too many steps

This is actually a really good way of explaining this

🥹🥹🥹

Wario is a vampire’s worst fucking nightmare

be careful what you post online because future employers might see it and want to hang out with you because you’re so cool

these are normal pigeons

yes but they’re great

We invented plates to keep our food off the ground. Then, we invented tables to keep our plates off the ground, which were invented to keep our food off the ground. Then, we used tablecloths to keep our plates off our tables.

Someone should invent a smoke alarm with voice recognition that stops beeping if you shout “It’s only burnt toast!” at it.

Those who are applying to optometry school for the upcoming year will be the Class of “2020”

Birth Certificates are just receipts for human beings.

I want my husband to have this accent

alright, that’s fine, that’s pretty con-fucking-venient